Why would a person continually try to take a dig at someone with every interaction they have?

I would guess because they are afraid of being direct either because they think it isn’t nice to not be, or because they are hoping the person will get a clue.

It’s fairly passive aggressive behavior.

I think a lot of people who are passive aggressive (if that is the case here) are convinced they are better people because they rarely yell and are convinced how they behave is civilized. They seem to not realize just his hostile their behavior is.

I was thinking of a family member when I asked this. She can be passive agressive. GA @JLeslie

That is how they express their romantic interest.

Fluther would not be the same without you, Loli. :)

Insecurity?
A subtle way of showing a mild dislike?
They just don’t know how to be nice?

Yes, passive aggressive. Translation too chicken s—t to be direct or speak up so have to toss out sarcastic zingers often under their breath or mumbled so you can’t quite make out exactly what they are saying but you know it’s a zinger. haha
They also tend to be prone to petty jealousies and highly, but subtlety, competitive.
. Gah..I loathe PA people.

They also are prone to not being direct about anything, for example instead of ASKING someone directly about something they will always say ” did anyone take out the trash yet?”

Horrible to be around these types.

When someone does it to me, I take it as they disagree with something I’m doing, but believe it’s my right to make my own mistakes. Then they don’t know how to put away their own thoughts to the side once they decide not to press their opinion further.

In those terms it’s easier for me to consider what they have to say, see if I agree, and if not, just chalk it up to a bit of social awkwardness rather than outright malice. It’s usually people who care enough to worry about you, but just disagree in some way. Not enough people in the world care, so I try to look at the good there.

Looking at it that way also (hopefully) keeps me from doing it to other people. Say what you need to say, discuss if needed, and move on.

That is a good way to look at it, @funkdaddy. I think I’ll try this.

They are miserable people and want everyone else to feel as miserable as they.

Because they’re lacking something somewhere.

I’d say it’s insecurity. You asked why they do this, so while their behaviour might be passive aggressive, the real question is why they feel the need to dig at the other person. I’d say the digger, the person taking the shots, feels threatened or intimidated by the person they attack. If they’re not coming out directly, I’d say they don’t have the confidence to take the person on directly. I’d say they feel inadequate and their inadequacy is compounded by their inability to directly confront their feelings or the person they’re attacking.

@Earthbound_Misfit Yes, I was going to mention those issues too. Well said.

@Earthbound_Misfit I agree. How people treat others is a direct extension of how they feel about themselves. Putting other people down is the equivalent of violently insecure.

I think it can be insecurity, but not always. Passive aggressive is a style of dealing with anger or even sometimes dealing with disappointment. It is a sucky way to go about it in my opinion. I think people who use passive aggressive behavior as their most used way of dealing are doomed to have fairly shitty relationships. Basically, no real communication to resolve things.

Insecure people also use aggressive aggressive behavior. Quick to temper, yelling, at it’s worst demonstrated in some sort of physical way.

Families tend to pass on their style and coping mechanisms for dealing with disappointment and conflict to their children. Often it is cultural or a family thing that was either modeled or taught. People do break away from it though.

@JLeslie Good answer.

A festering grudge. I actually found myself doing this whenever I spoke to my ex. So I stopped speaking to him.

When I meet people like this I assume that the person is really insecure and frightened of other people’s reactions. It’s hard to put yourself out there for others to judge.

My sister is like what you describe and I learned so much about her and her ways when I realized she is scared shitless of people. Inside she is experiencing tremendous fear of putting herself out there to be judged. It’s her coping mechanism for having to communicate with others and it helped her navigate my father’s violent tendencies. Sad. She rarely leaves her house and suffers from crippling depression.

On the very rare occasion that we meet, she always has to try to out do me in some way. I am her opposite so I try to let her know she has more to offer than knowing she weighs less than I do or that her teeth are whiter than mine. She makes me sad. Behind the digs and so called passive aggressive behavior I try to see the fear that causes this, in my sister and others. Sometimes the best way to understand another’s behavior is to look at the motivation.

We are all so eager to judge people on the surface qualities that we assume we are reading correctly. Maybe we are the assholes seeing everybody through our own prejudices and letting people suffer in fear and self-loathing.

@tinyfaery “Maybe we are the assholes seeing everybody through our own prejudices”….

Wise words, are able to see yourself in that sentiment?

Are you?

A little understanding goes a long way. I know I’ve been that asshole before. I do think we get what we give at times.

Great answers everyone. Thank you.

Some people don’t have filters. Some people think they are great because they say exactly what they want, whenever they want, without caring about the way what they say might hurt someone else’s feelings. These people say they are “no nonsense types” or “tell it like it is types.” They never learned to be polite or tactful, and they likely do not have much empathy for others.

There are times for telling it like it is and there are other times when it’s better to be kind. People don’t always have to say whatever pops into their heads. The person you are describing probably feels very prideful about telling the “truth” (whatever that means) regardless of who it harms. Try to avoid those people as much as possible.

Well said @Kardamom. good to see you answering questions again. :)

I haven’t left. I’ve just been super busy these last few months. I had a day free and I decided to come on and check in with everyone. So nice to talk to everybody : )

@tinyfaery Well played, ducked the hypocrisy admirably.

You too. Good job.

Is this thread disintegrating into a thread of miserable people taking digs at each other? Shall I pass out the weapons now?

They already have weapons. Wings vs brownies.

carry on