Is this a good opening to a short story?
Peter Bumby had just turned thirteen. He was quite tall for his age and well-built. He had short blond hair and blue eyes. This morning he was wearing a clean white shirt tucked in and his navy school tie with yellow stripes was neatly tied. Instead of his usual navy school ones, today he wore a new pair of smart grey flannel trousers, fastened with a black belt. His black shoes were well-polished.
As he was walking to school a girl in his class came up behind him. She was slightly shorter than he was and had long dark hair. Her name was Rachel Pearson. She was wearing a white blouse and a navy skirt.
‘Good morning, Mr Bumby,’ she said. Peter blushed.
‘Good morning, Miss Pearson,’ he replied.
‘You look very smart today,’ she said.
‘Thank you,’ he replied. He hadn’t overcome his uneasiness, knowing that she was looking at him admiringly, as if trying to work out what was different about him.
‘Mr Bumby,’ she said, ‘have you got some new trousers on?’
‘Yes, Miss Pearson,’ Peter replied.
‘They’re lovely,’ Rachel said. ‘I think they suit you.’
‘Thank you,’ said Peter. ‘I got them for my birthday.’
‘Your birthday?’
‘At the weekend.’
‘I didn’t know.’
Peter was at a loss for what to say. He and Rachel were friends, but he didn’t know her all that well. The trousers had been part of a suit his parents had bought him for his birthday. He hadn’t had occasion to wear it yet, but decided to wear the trousers to school for a change, as boys were allowed to wear grey as well as navy, though very few did. He hadn’t really expected anyone to notice. No-one else seemed to for the rest of the day. He didn’t really think about Rachel again, until he was at home in the evening, when an envelope was posted through the front door. While he was watching television in the front room with his younger sister Louise, their mother came in and handed Peter the envelope.
‘There’s a card come for you,’ she said to him. It was addressed to ‘Mr Peter Bumby.’
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4 Answers
Welcome to Fluther.
Whether or not you have a good opening for a story of any kind always depends upon the rest of the story.
Instead of offering criticism, I will offer some advice instead. In order to really be called “short” stories, they have to leave out a lot of the explicit exposition that you have led with here: “the boy had just turned thirteen”; “he looked thus-and-such”; “this morning he was wearing this and that”. (One word of encouragement here: You did say “this morning he was …”. That’s good. That’s exposition that also moves the story along. Now we know that the story is set in “a morning” without having to waste another expository sentence saying “it is morning where he is”.)
Here is an example of how one might lead into the story, combining description and action in an effort to move the story along quickly:
Peter was very conscious of the grey flannel of his long trouser legs swishing as he strode along the walk, with the morning sun in his eyes. [Unless the fact that his eyes are blue and his hair is short and blond matter to the plot, why mention them?] Since the trousers were new – a thirteenth birthday present only a few days old – he was, in fact, so conscious only of them that he jumped uneasily when he heard Rachel Pearson call out cheerfully [assumed] from behind him, “Good morning, Mr. Brumby.”
et cetera You can work in the details of his careful grooming and school uniform later: the pressed white shirt, tie, black belt and polished shoes if they matter to the story.
I’m not suggesting that you go with that opening. In fact, I re-wrote it about ten times – literally – as I composed that single paragraph. It’s still awful (my example), and I wouldn’t go with it myself, but it’s a start.
Combine narrative and description as much as you can. Demonstrate character and description by narrating the action, don’t just say “he was this” or “he did that”. Let the dialog and action expose the characters. Sometimes you can even let the dialog expose the action.
The art to telling short stories is knowing not what to put in, but what to leave out.
Oh, and the other advice is to keep writing, and always keep editing. Be ruthless. It’s okay to fall in love with a particular turn of phrase, or a scene in a story, but don’t fall in love with whole paragraphs. Vanishingly few things that we do in life are perfect. It is unlikely in the extreme that whole pages of prose are so perfect that they can’t be written better. That generally applies at the sentence level as well.
So far I like it. I like stories that are very descriptive, so I can see the characters and the scene my mind’s eye. What seems to be missing, though, are commas in their proper places.
Maybe we can get one of the librarians to come on here and tell you where they should go.
Also, I would use the term navy blue, as opposed to just navy, because the term navy suggests that he might be a sailor, rather than a student, where as navy blue, suggests the color, which seems important, because the young lady notices the color difference. I know he’s a student, but I think you should use the full term navy blue.
So far, though, I like the style of writing.
I think for more dramatic effect you might start with the letter coming through the door and then back up to what happened earlier in the day. I also agree with @CWOTUS that less description and more action would be catchier.
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