How does one cope with the decline of an aging parent?

I’m so sorry. I know exactly what you are going through. My mother was in the same situation in 2013.

I hated seeing my mother in pain and unable to speak or take care of herself. I don’t know how I drove home safely after my visits because I often ended up bawling on the drive home.

You just cope because your other choices are not going to give you the quality time you need with your mom right now. Sit and hold her hand and treasure the moment. Remind yourself of her good days. Cry when you need to.

(hugs)

@jonsblond gave the best answer and really all you can do. Spend time and talk to her about your favorite times with her when you were little. Most of all think of all the things you want to say to her while she can still hear you.

I have no advice, this just makes me realize that I’m glad my mom went out like she did. Sudden, still living. I wish yours could have had the same.

With difficulty. My mother was extremely active, traveled, drove, had a more active social calendar than I did right up until she was 85. Then she was hospitalized for a month with pneumonia. She was never the same again after that.

She lived four more years increasingly confined and limited. Though she continued to get some joy out of life, she was bitter at her loss of freedom and the indignities of old age. She was not always nice about it either. It was very hard on her caretakers. It kind of poisoned my relationship with her for more than a year.

But when she finally died, I missed her horribly and I always will. I was depressed for more than a year after she passed. I can only advise being kind to your mom, telling her you love her often, asking her if there is anything she wants or that you can do.

Eventually, your memories of the good times together, the fun, the laughter, the adventures will triumph over your memories of how she was at the end.

Take care of yourself through this time. Talk to people. Share your feelings.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, pray that she will fall asleep permanently soon. It is the only way you will feel at peace inside knowing she will no longer be suffering or depending on others. I honestly do not mean this in a heartless way, but I think the time has come for her to free herself from her tangled existence. I wish you strength and courage.

I went through a similar situation with my mom. That last month was the hardest for her and for me and my brothers. We were with her around the clock and as @ZEPHYRA said, I wished she could be out of her pain. It happened in 2011 and I still miss her and think of her every single day.
You cope any way you can. If you need to cry, just let it out. But try to be strong when you are with your mom and try not to let her see you cry.

There is no easy way to cope with the decline of a parent. Just make sure that you tell her that you love her, hug her and kiss her forehead or cheek. That is all you can do, just love her and show it. You are going through an agonizing time and I truly feel for you. It is so hard, so hard. I remember the same feelings when my Dad declined and died. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Learn to accept that death is a certainty for everyone.

@kritiper Death isn’t what is hurting so much. It is seeing her her dead inside while her body lives.

Thank you everyone for your support and answers. Most of these things I generally do already, but there are some I’d like to do or do more of.
@ZEPHYRA No need to worry that I will take things the wrong way. I already do pray for that.

(The lift you are referring to is a Hoyer lift and affords more dignity to sufferers of severe neurological diseases such as ALS, than other much nastier methods of urinating and defecating.)

Watching anyone, beloved or not, have a long, difficult, and undignified end-of-life is very hard. But It might be any one of us one of these days. Dementia, Alzheimer’s, cancer, chronic pain, and stroke ofter happens due simply to the luck of the draw. Suffering is an equal opportunity employer. You wake up one morning and suddenly you are “it.” The guy firing a gun into a crowd might hit you in the spine or the brain.

How would you like your caregivers and close family to treat you?

If you need help in dealing with the images and the feelings, find a therapist.

Does your mother have an DNR in place? Paperwork done for health care proxy?

That was rather condescending.

Not meant to be. I have watched aging family members suffer terribly with ALS, Parkinson’s, Dementia, advanced cancer and in two cases, suicide. There are no quick fixes.

@gailcalled Why does it matter what the exact lift is called? Thank you for not being helpful. My mother has been in a nursing home for 7 years. Yes, all those things are in place and have been since the get go.
And if you’d like to help me pay for a therapist I’d be more than happy to go.

Speaking only from my own experience. I am glad your mother has everything in place.

@gailcalled

Of course you don’t mane to be condescending. People rarely mean to be. But you are being kinda patronizing towards @anniereborn. And getting hung up on the machinery used doesn’t really address the point of her post, which is about her mother’s loss of self, loss of dignity and declining quality of life.

How does one cope? That is a very difficult question for me. How I might have coped with my mother for three years in nursing homes had possibly do with having to keep it together emotionally . You see, the last year my parents shared a room in a nursing home. Mom was paralyzed on one side while dad, after her death, took us to court claiming we had spent all of his money. it was so exhausting, so overwhelming that I credit my husband for just being there by my side. We had been married eight years when mother passed away. I had just left her and gotten home when they called. They (or dad) insisted I come visit seven days a week but had to stop at the grocery store first since they had a miniature refrigerator in their room. He was so hateful and accusatory he also began calling us at least six times a day. No way would he have taken us to court had mother been alive. The head nurse lay in wait as she planned the whole thing out like a Satanic vulture. He lost the case and we took him two hundred miles away without notifying them and put him in a brand new place. It was a major nightmare. I miss both of them regardless but it has taken many years for me to forgive him. So how did I cope? As best I could. And you know what was amazing? His company paid for his care . I don’t think they do that anymore and it goes without saying what a blessing that was! So I did the bookkeeping, the shopping, the daily visits and you know what? I may have been too exhausted to feel much of anything. I just wanted to survive and squeeze any small bit of happiness from life as I possibly could.
I think you should post about it on here more often. If it helps you at all. Tell her, “I love you” at least once per visit. I wish I had.

@Aster That sounds like a particularly grueling ordeal. I’m sorry that happened to you.

Thank you.

@anniereborn More proof that life is a bitch, and then you die.