Do you think it's OK to "make" toddlers give a hello hug to a visiting family member when they show up, even if they don't want to?

And why wouldn’t the kid want to??
I wish some wouldn’t our niece and her husband always want their kids to give hello and good-by hugs even if they are sicker than shit,and how do you say no to a little one giving a good-by hug, coughing ,sneezing,and snot a muck?

They just don’t feel like it at the moment? Or they have never met this particular relative? There can be lots of reason, the biggest one is that they’re toddlers. Who knows why they’d feel reserved? But they do, sometimes.

@Dutchess_III is it ok to make an adult hug a sick toddler who isn’t their own?
How do you politely decline a hug from a toddler who is sick with the flu, or a bad cold, sorry to ask but really want to know.

No. I think that kind of thing is disrespectful to the child, as well as potentially dangerous.

I once had a dog, so I know loads about this subject.

Not at all. The message is that they don’t have control over their own bodies.

LOL!

This isn’t about toddlers giving hugs. This is about toddlers who don’t want to give hugs. You’re derailing already! Go ask your own question!

@longgone I agree completely. A couple of times when I’ve gone to visit my daughter, the ones with the twins, her boyfriend, who has no children of his own, has tried to force the boy twin to hug me when he didn’t want to. He commanded him to “Go give gramma a hug!”
I said, “No, no! They need to know that they have control over who they come in physical contact with, and how.”

As to the twins, the girl has no reservations. She can’t get to me fast enough! But the boy made an association with me when he was about a year old that when he saw me it meant his mom was leaving! So he was reserved, for a long, long time. But he came around. That’s an example of why a kid wouldn’t want to @SQUEEKY2

Another example @SQUEEKY2: My mom came to visit once. She lived 3000 miles away so we didn’t see her very often. She was here when my daughter was born, but this was 3 years later so my daughter had no idea who she was, and didn’t want to hug her. Mom’s, like, old country and probably felt that all this “pandering” to children is nonsense! Anyway, she swooped in and picked the three year old up for a big hug, and my daughter started crying and fighting to get down. Mom was really upset. I was upset with Mom.

I don’t think any kid should be forced to give anyone a hug if they absolutely don’t want to, I wasn’t trying to be a smart ass by asking how to decline a hug from a sick kid,I just really want to know how, without upsetting the kid or offending the parents.

Well, you could talk to the parents ahead of time?

Or, you could let the kid hug your legs and just bend over far enough to pat him or her on the back.

Definitely not, I don’t believe anyone, child or adult, should be coerced into hugging another person, be they family, friend or stranger. Hugs are for giving of one’s own free will, any other type of hug is not a hug in my book.

Also, @SQUEEKY2, I’m not worried about little kid germs. They’re all the same germs we already got as a kid.

ANYwho, this is about forcing a kid to show “affection.” If it’s forced, it’s not affection.

You should teach kids to greet visitors, look them in the eye, and say “Hi”. Maybe not hugs, that depends on your milieu. A handshake is good.

Don’t raise your kids to be mopes.

I agree with the consensus. Kids should not be compelled to either give or receive hugs. I have vivid memories of what I then considered repulsive adults grabbing me up and slobbering on me. As a result, to this day I don’t initiate hugs with anyone other than the wife, though I am now polite enough to hug back rather than kick and scream.

@jaytkay, we’re talking about kids aged 1 to 3. I don’t think that age would see the value in making eye contact. They’re observing, and learning, how to greet people from your behavior. My almost two year old granddaughter waves good by and chirps, “See ya!” as she’s being carried away. So cute.
They’ll learn handshakes eventually, if they see you shaking hands.

If you discouraged a kid from hugging someone they want to hug, you’d be raising them to be mopes

I don’t believe I have ever told my daughter to hug anybody. She’s capable of saying goodbye in a way that she determines. I may tell her to say goodbye, but whatever she says or does is up to her. She will hear me say things like “thank you for having us, we had a great time.” If she wants to hug, wave, smile, whatever, that’s up to her. I don’t hug everyone, I don’t kiss everyone and I don’t expect her to, either.

@Dutchess_III I’m going to reserve my thoughts for a while. Really?

I’m going to reserve my thoughts for a while. Really?

I assumed that was simply a plan to ask for opinions without steering the answers.

Exactly @jaytkay. Although I am pleasantly surprised that no one jumped on me because they jumped to the conclusion that I agree with forcing a kid to show affection!

@jaytkay Exactly, but that didn’t happen. She started on her opinion on the 6th answer.

It’s just where the thread lead.

No it’s not okay. The child may feel uncomfortable with that person or maybe they’re reserved and don’t like personal displays of affection.

My step-mother used to always make us hug her brother and to sit on his knee. As a child he made me feel icky. I didn’t know why. Later, my older sister said she had been forced to sit on his knee and he had an erection. She was old enough to recognise what was happening.

So, if kids say they don’t want to hug someone, I would never, ever force them. Perhaps their experience is not mine and perhaps their instincts are at play.

It’s sort of like forcing children to apologize. I’m curious to see if everyone has similar responses to that emotion. I don’t think it’s right to force children into express themselves in ways they do not want to do. Instead, explaining to them why you feel that way and relating it to something in their life is a better step, and maybe they’ll come to realize its significance. In fact, some children just haven’t reached this stage of moral development yet. It will inevitably come over time unless you child is psychopathic. Even then forceful emotions won’t help.
I remember so much as a kid not feeling sorry for things because I felt it wasn’t fair (and rightfully so), yet forcing to say that s word. I was using the crayon first when she took it from me!

No, I don’t think we should force children (toddlers or older children) to give hugs hello or goodbye. I will tell my children if someone arrived or is leaving and they can greet/farewell the person however they wish.

No. I think it’s awful.

@dxs Apologizing is completely different to me.

To me, it wouldn’t even be a question. “Making” a child do something that has nothing to do with their personal safety or health (i.e. wearing a coat in the cold weather, sitting in a child seat) makes zero sense.

No, I don’t think it’s right because it is forcing the child to do a somewhat intimate and personal action. These should always be voluntary

My sister and I had a conversation about this recently. This stuff is her job. She suggested teaching the child to blow a kiss to the adult wanting the hug, if the child didn’t want to hug the adult.

My autistic nephew (21 today!) has just started to give hugs willingly. Best hugs ever. I used to pat him on the shoulder as a greeting and he started letting me hug him. At Christmas I was helping him cook and he just gave me a hug to say thanks

@jca You made an important distinction. There are times we have to make our kids do something they don’t want to do, for their safety. As you said, this isn’t for their safety. It is, as @Stinley said, something somewhat intimate and personal.

I don’t think we should ever force a toddler to do something intimate like hugging or kissing. They have a lot more sense than we give them credit for. Play off their signs.

But boy, when they can’t wait to hug you, it’s the best feeling in the world!

Yes that is special. When you have their trust and affection and they come to you like that it is special. Laughs, it can also be dangerous. My nephew would hurl himself off furniture, expecting me to catch him. I haven’t missed yet.

The other day we went to visit my son. They have 3 kids. The current youngest, Zoey, is the one who sits on my dog. Anyway, they were all downstairs when we arrived. Rick went down stairs a few seconds before me. When Zoey saw him she started running to him, with her arms up. But then, I came around the corner! LOL! Instant, albeit slight, trajectory change and she charged right past him and into my arms. :D