How do you teach internal control?
I’ve never had to consciously teach it. My kids just developed it as they grew. The pros say it should start developing around the age of 4 or 5. However, I watch a 7 year old after school who doesn’t seem to even have a glimmer of it yet. He’s a real attention seeker and often copies what his 14 month old sister does, hoping to get the same reaction from me that his sister got. Of course, that doesn’t happen.
Today I turned on the vacuum cleaner and the baby ran away, squealing and flapping her arms. Then her brother ran away, flapping his arms and squealing.
So I sat him down and I said, “Hey…there is something inside of you that tells you right from wrong. Everybody has it. You need to start listening to that, because some times there won’t be any one around to tell you right from wrong, and you have to decide for yourself. Now, if you listen carefully would that little voice tell you that running away from the vacuum cleaner was right, wrong, or silly.”
He thought for a moment and said, “Silly.”
At that point I praised him.
Is this even going to work? Any other ideas? Should I give it a name, like a shorter version of his name so I can say, “What does Bob say?” Although something is telling me that’s not a good idea…
This ones for you JCA!
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I dare myself not to fart while practising yoga.
It would probably be up to his parents to address this.
Yes, but I’m pretty influential in his life. They tell me he is different (not as attention seeking) when he comes back from my house so I try to keep them in the loop as to what I do.
Another thing to learn early is the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment.
“The Stanford marshmallow experiment[1] was a series of studies on delayed gratification in the late 1960s and early 1970s led by psychologist Walter Mischel, then a professor at Stanford University. In these studies, a child was offered a choice between one small reward provided immediately or two small rewards if they waited for a short period, approximately 15 minutes, during which the tester left the room and then returned. (The reward was sometimes a marshmallow, but often a cookie or a pretzel.) In follow-up studies, the researchers found that children who were able to wait longer for the preferred rewards tended to have better life outcomes, as measured by SAT scores,[2] educational attainment,[3] body mass index (BMI),[4] and other life measures.[5]”
Offer 1 treat now or two later. Wait 5 minutes and see what happens. Self control can be taught and pays off throughout later life.
I remember seeing that experiment on a documentary once. Very interesting.
Hmmm. I wonder if I could put that into play somehow in this situation….he loves olives. I could use olives.
Absolutely you could apply it. You would be teaching him the benefits of self control.
Actually, I think that test would be more one of testing intelligence so I think he’d pass with flying colors (we’ll find out.)
His problem seems to be more one of understanding what is appropriate and what isn’t.
I knew my goal was to have my kids eventually react to internal control but I never really felt I needed to explain what internal control was.
It is not just intelligence. The child has to actually wait. I saw some videos on this
The child was aware of the benefit but could not control himself. He ate the marshmallow knowing he would get only one.
I saw the videos too. They were interesting. I’ll let you know how my experiment turns out!
Like me, my kids waited. They saved their Halloween candy and enjoyed it a little at a time rather than pigging out and getting sick. As adults they still are savers and research or delay purchases. They know about compound interest and understand the trap of credit.
My work is done. :-)
Experiment has commenced.
I’m using the last of some assorted Christmas chocolates. I put one in front of him (he’s doing his home work) and told him he could eat it if he wanted, but if he waited for me to come back into the kitchen he could have all the candy what was left (about 3 pieces.)
The first thing he wanted to do was put the one piece I put in front of him out of sight!
I think he was a little old for this, tho. If I remember the kids they used were in the 4 to 5 age range. He’s 7.
@LuckyGuy I’ve seen that same experiment cited as an argument for self-discipline being very much something we are born with – or not.
@longgone I’ve seen that argument too. But, the authors have added a caveat. They say if we are not self-taught we can and should be taught.
Still working on it. The whole “experiment” with the child was really a joke. I didn’t have the type of set up they had in the original. He had other things he could do, rather than just sit at a table in an empty room. Plus food doesn’t have a really strong draw for him.
Anyway, as I said, his biggest problem is understanding what is appropriate. He doesn’t have that inner voice that guides him, and that’s what I’m trying to work on.
LOL! NO! I’m afraid I’d electrocute him it in a fit of anger!
With “100 levels of shock and 100 levels of vibration” I’m sure there’s a perfect combination.
I don’t think I would teach ‘internal’ control, if it means some voice or conscience they should listen to. I teach kids the exact same things I teach people my own age, and I speak to them in almost the same manner with the same words. I think that’s why kids love me, though I can’t say I am very fond of them.
I would teach what I call discipline, which encompasses the concept of self control, but I do not agree with the simplicity or ease of ‘right and wrong’. I would explain causes and effects of behaviors and actions, so they will be aware of them before they make decisions.
My child is not doing wrong stealing cookies from the cookie jar, he is doing something that will cause effects, some of which will be consequences for his actions. Next time he has the opportunity to steal the cookie, he will consider those effects and weigh them accordingly before choosing.
Self control is a matter of deciding actions based on perceptions of effects. The immediate desire is always considered, since it’s the motive (i.e. the cookie). It’s the other effects that need to be taught, and I would press the limits of my child’s understandings of long term effects (i.e. a person who steals is someone to fear stealing your belongings, do you want to be someone feared for such, and how will people respond to such a person, so on and so forth).
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