Will you help me help this kid?

Precisely what kind of tutoring have you been asked to do? How often do you meet?

^ English – as well as maths, if necessary. As to what the lesson consists of, that is up to me.

We meet once a week, for an hour.

I’m guessing you know more about this from a instinctive and academic standpoint than most folks, so all I can offer are some ideas that may spark a plan, and thank you for taking an interest.

- what makes her comfortable? Where does she go or what does she do to get away from things? Do that with her, make it clear that it’s your choice to be there rather than what you have to do.
– be honest with her that you’re going to be around for a while, would like to see her succeed, and need her help. After making it clear, let it settle in so your special focus on her doesn’t become the main thing until she decides she wants that. I guess I’m just trying to say don’t try so hard that it becomes awkward in the same way you wouldn’t pursue an adult friend or even romantic interest without some reciprocation. She has to buy in at some point.
– invite her to something that might make you a real person in her eyes, even if she doesn’t want to go with you, you’ve expressed you’re interested in more than her academic progress
– it’s hard to be angry with a really good cookie/cupcake/pie in front of you. Again, not always appropriate, but an idea.

Good luck.

@longgone there is no more detail?

The lesson is up to you? When I tutored in math I helped the student work on their homework, and then also did additional problems with them they were not assigned. I can’t imagine just randomly picking what to go over. When I was in high school I helped an elementary school teacher by being responsible for one of her spelling groups. We went over what the specific lesson plan was. I’m curious how you decide what to teach?

I think if you have so much flexibility, maybe let her decide what to go over? Give her more control. Maybe she can pick what she wants to learn in English, something she is very interested in. If she likes animals, then all the animals and describing them eating, grazing, growline, etc. If she likes fashion then she can learn not only the obvious like dress, skirt, and shirt; but also, hem, rise, cotton, sew, stitch, bell bottoms, a-line skirt, bishop sleeve, etc. Deocorating, gardening, history, geography, music, cooking, anything. Maybe you can learn along with her? She can show you something she is very interested in and you can both find out the English words (if you don’t know them) and then write sentences that make sense with the subject matter. You might be learning new vocabulary and (this is the best part) maybe she teaches you about a subject you dio’t know much about. I know for me I speak Spanish pretty well, and I know a lot of fashion words, because I worked in the industry, but the vocabulary for some topics I don’t know much at all.

Does she want better grades? Or, could she care less about grades?

Also, do you think it’s personal? She just doesn’t have rapport with you? I don’t think you can easily overcome that.

Did her parents hire you?

Has she experienced betrayal (or what she perceives as betrayal)? I’m reading between the lines here but your mention that she’s angry and doesn’t want to work with you suggests she’s protecting her emotions and is actually quite vulnerable.

I would simply focus on the task at hand, tutoring her in maths and English. Just try to subtly let her know that you aren’t going anywhere. You’re not planning to desert her, even if she’d rather you did. If she is vulnerable, she needs to learn to trust you and the only way for that to happen is for you to not give up on her and to take the time to let her start to feel safe with you.

It’s lovely that you care enough to make this investment.

First you have to remind yourself you will not save or fix every kid on your own. This child sounds as they do not trust adults and that in my experience puts you in a disadvantage position. When you are in the presence of this child they are expecting you to want to help them and then critique their problems….I have seen in some situations that is the LAST thing this child wants or needs.

If you are ever going to get through to them you will have to earn their trust first and foremost and I think the easiest way to do this is to listen. Unfocus on why they are there with you and draw more attention to what they like…what makes them happy, what makes them sad. Find out their favorite singer/musician….favorite thing to do. Ask what someone/anyone doesn’t understand about them. Kids are their worst critics/judge and jury and at the outset avoiding the obvious reasons for their troubles and taking a detour around them will afford them the relief from the non-stop mental battle that has been waging in their heads.

Kids that shut down are often misperceiving external emotions and signals from peers or parents. You will have to gently peel back the layers of these emotions that have and are overwhelming this child. For the record I am not an expert in this field…I am merely a parent who has had to learn, understand and help my son to overcome similar if not a worse situation. Good luck

Ask her about her goals in life. Also ask her why she doesn’t want your help. Not just because but a real answer. Then show her how English skills can either help her get there (and give examples) or how they can hold her back. Just be blunt and matter of fact. Teens are often looking for someone who will treat them like an adult. She may feel stupid for needing a tutor. Point out to her that even geniuses need help from time to time in areas that are not their specialty. There is no shame in getting help but plenty shame in resisting help. She would go to a doctor if she is sick, or have someone make a meal she desires because she doesn’t know how to make it herself, or ask an adult for help if someone might injure her. So this is no different. Tell her about times you needed assistance learning something or how you had to struggle for hours sometimes to learn a certain topic.

I think some people resist learning because either they think it is a waste of time and has no direct influence in their future, or resist because they feel dumb and fear being made fun of, or seen as weak. Explain that a truly dumb person is the person who doesn’t understand what they are truly capable of doing and throws in the towel without giving it 100 percent.

I helped a kid once who was always tossed to the side and told he was dumb. I helped him to understand that he needed to take baby steps and learn the basic so he could learn the harder stuff. Its like climbing stairs. You can try to jump up 8 steps at a time, but you are likely to fall down and give up, or you can take one step at a time and before you know it, you reached the 100th floor. It’s time consuming and tiring but you won’t break your neck trying to get there. Some topics are simply harder for some people than others.

Also, any chance she is dyslexic and may hate reading and writing because it is twice as hard and confusing.

Have her help you. Find something you know for certain she can do well. Say for instance, she sketches beautifully. Tell her you got a nifty denim jacket at the thrift store, but you want it to have a real cool image on the back, and could she help you with that?
Choose something you know will appeal to her. At that age, kids want to believe they are not mere mortals, and needing a tutor to some is equal to needing major plastic surgery on their face.
If you need her for something, something real, it can become more of an exchange than a grown up “fixing” a kid.

I find the key to getting through to children with emotional defence systems like that is to shock them. They may see you as just another adult, and therefore part of the pattern of disappointment that they’re so used to. You need to present yourself as someone different to those they have known, and it generally takes an incisive event to break the assumptions they have about you.

How you do this depends on your personality. Humour is brilliant. If you can get a sullen kid to crack a smile, and they know you’ve seen it, they will start to open up. Expressing an element of their thoughts out loud, and agreeing with it, can also help build a bond. When I tutored maths, I had a student that really didn’t enjoy it. So I did a whole class where the maths was used to describe a story of two tanks trying to judge angle to shoot at each other. Maybe you can do the same using sports statistics in player auctions or the probabilities in a rugby player’s mind defending against an overlap. Or maybe you can teach her to count cards.

I also like the suggestion above of talking about goals. Children in general don’t think very far ahead. My younger cousin hated school, I suspect because it was the same attitudes the cool kids had, and so didn’t do very well. But as soon as she decided she wanted to be a lawyer, her efforts drastically increased.

You have to create a personal connection. That does not mean that you become good buddies, but you have to be able to communicate freely. What are the student’s interests? What are her favorite subjects? Does she enjoy reading? If you can’t relate at this level, then tutoring is a lost cause.

Once you set up a personal connection, create context to what the student is learning. If she has a writing assignment, have her talk about what she might write. Work together to create an outline. If she has to read a book, talk about the book in general terms. If it is a work of literature, provide a historical perspective.

Tutoring math to a resistant student is more difficult. One angle is to provide historical context. I do not understand why this never seems to be done in schools. You can explain that decimal number notation was created in India in the 7th century and transmitted to Europe by way of the Arabs, hence the name Arabic numerals. If she is learning about logarithms, explain how they were originally introduced to simplify multiplication. You can also try recreational math problems. In my experience, a lot of students take to these. I know of teachers who use them as a reward for completing assignments.

Thanks, jellies!

Here is what I’ve learned:

- make sure she knows I really am interested in not just her academic success, but her.
– be honest with her, and make clear that I will stick around for a while
– try to make her comfortable. Along with cookies, I will probably turn on some music.
– give her a chance to pick what she’s learning I’ve been doing that, and it works to some extent.
– listen, preferably without pursuing an agenda
– talk to her to create a personal connection
– try to find some way to let her help me
– if possible, shock her (i.e., with humour)
– expect this to take a while

I will probably try all of these, as well as a few things I learned from a book I’ve been reading.

@flo What else would you like to know?

@JLeslie It varies. With some kids, I will work on homework assignments. With others, I will find out which lessons are coming up, and then work on these. I tend to make up my own exercise sheets, because that enables me to create exercises suited to each kid. Most of my students love jokes and mnemonics, which I will incorporate. One kid loves to draw, so she gets to draw the translations when learning new words…you get the picture.
Yes, her parents hired me. It may well be personal, but as of now, she does not know me, really. And no, she doesn’t care about her grades, at all. Or so she says.

@Earthbound_Misfit Yes, there’s been betrayal.

@Pandora I don’t think she’s dyslexic, but she might be. Will try to find out!

@all This has really been very helpful. Thanks, again – and please add any more thoughts you may have!

@longgone It sounds like you are a wonderful tutor. I wonder why she doesn’t care about her grades? In America in some schools getting good grades is considered uncool.

It’s okay now the other jellies asked you specific questions, and you answered them.

@JLeslie I think she has simply given up. Which is something I hope to rectify. Also… thank you, that’s a nice thing to say! :]

@longgone Has she been tested for ADD and things like dyslexia and dyscalcula?

@JLeslie Not yet, no.

@longgone Was she able to do math when she was younger? She’s awfully old to not have been tested if she has had problems for many years. If she actually has a real brain wire problem she needs specialized tutoring. Also, poor kid, if she does have any of these things of course she is frustrated and hard to work with. She literally can’t do the work well and probably feels horrible about it. We don’t know yet if that is the problem, but certainly it must be found out. The government doesn’t offer the testing for students suspected to have a problem?

Sometimes, if you are able, it helps to get out of the classroom or library or official tutoring venue and try another spot. I worked with an elderly Russian woman for several years, working on her English. We tried a lot of things. Once I took her to Target’s to try on and shop for jeans. Another time I drove her to a doctor’s appointment and then for ice cream.

I don’t know whether you would have that kind of flexibility with a traditional student or not.

Is it possible that this child does has undiagnosed learning disabilities?

Re: Learning disabilities; I’ll look into it, though there is not a lot that would change even if she were suffering from a condition. She already goes to a school dealing targeted at, for lack of a better word, “challenging” children, so her teachers would know, I’d hope.

@gailcalled I like that idea. At this point, I doubt she’d agree to go with me – but it’s something to keep in mind for later on!

Fingers crossed. I’m up in five minutes!

@longgone What is her diagnosis? If she as at a school like that I assume she has some sort of diagnosis.

^ Turns out she has, but I’m uncomfortable disclosing it here.

For what it’s worth, the lesson went a little better today. I’m concentrating on establishing a connection, ignoring the lesson plan for now. I managed to give her some things to think about, and I got some eye contact as a reward!

Thank you, jellies! :]

That’s great! Here’s hoping it gets better and better.

…and today, we actually got some work done without any trouble!

I’m expecting some setbacks along the way, but we’re on the right track. This thread is an example of why I love Fluther, by the way. Sometimes, a couple of wise words and a little moral support from the collective is all it takes :]

Wunderbar! As my grandfather would say. :)

That really is good news. Give yourself some credit for your patience, persistence and communication and teaching skills.

^ Thanks! :]

Back here to say: Today, we did fractions. She asked questions, responded civilly to my own, and actively helped plan our next session! She still looks stressed and won’t smile, but…huge progress! :)

This will be my last post on this, don’t worry, but I have to share one more new development:

Today, my brooding rebel spoke to her mum. She suggested to double our time, meeting up twice a week instead of once!

I’m thrilled, of course. Thanks for persuading me to keep trying!

That is quite a milestone. I don’t think it is much of an exaggeration to suggest that you may have turned this girl’s life around. She has gone from being a reluctant learner to an enthusiastic one. If things keep going at this rate, you may find yourself out of a job, which ironically is the ultimate goal of a good teacher.

^ Well…I’m not sure I could have managed turning her life around, by doing as little as I have. I’m incredibly happy about her increased enthusiasm, though, and if I’ve somehow managed to even slightly shift her opinion on learning, that’s fantastic! Also, thank you for the praise!