Is it normal to have self-destructive thoughts because you're a little overweight?

There is no “normal”, but there is also nothing healthy about contemplating suicide (for whatever reason).

Call and talk to someone at 1–800-273-TALK (8255) and speak to your doctor or seek out a therapist to help deal with your self esteem issues.

@syz I really don’t want to die. I have a good life in a lot of ways. It’s true that I’ve suffered a lot in the past few years but I feel as if I have a lot to live for. I feel guilty that my weight being a little less than ideal thanks to winter pudge and a eating a little too much is enough to derail my self-esteem. But honesty, I feel like such a fat piece of crap when I look at my round cheeks, and my cottage cheese ass, and my love handles…

I can’t fit in Banana Republic clothes at my thinnest. I chalk it up to their clothes being suited to a different body type than mine. I weigh the least I have in 5 years but am still 10–20 lbs overweight. Nonetheless, I feel amazing and love myself to pieces.

No, your reaction is not “normal”, but you know that. You need to talk to someone about your body/self image. Pronto.

@Cupcake I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks Banana Republic’s clothing runs a little on the small side. I also notice that their stuff is all very short and that the stores stock petites but not the tall line. I feel like everyone is always talking about the modern phenomenon of “vanity sizing” to accommodate fatties but I feel like the opposite is equally true for many retailers.

I’m hoping I have better luck at Anthropologie later this evening…

I’m wearing four different dress sizes. You can’t let the number on a piece of clothing affect your self esteem because a 12 at one store is not the same as a 12 at another.

If you’re overweight and unhappy about it, take some steps to change that.

@Earthbound_Misfit It’s true. I have some dresses labeled size 10 but mostly 12s and they all fit well. This is the first time in a long time I’ve considered that I might be a 14. And yes, I’m actively taking steps to reduce my weight by 10–15 lbs.

@ucme I’m not feeling jolly today!

You should look at the experience in the dressing room as a blessing and not a moment to feel bad. Size 14 is not horrible but knowing how quickly you went from a 12 to a 14 should give you confidence to reverse that trend. Make some changes in your lifestyle you can commit to such as diet and exercise….pick things you can do every day. Cutting out breads, pastas and sugar in your diet and just walking 30 mins a day will get back in a size 12 in weeks not months. It is a simple formula that less calories in and more exercise you will lose the weight.

@Cruiser That’s true. I do find that when I make appropriate changes, weight melts right off of me. It’s been a tough winter, due to a knee injury but I’m gradually getting more active as the pain subsides so I’m thinking that and continuing the dietary changes will
help me drop a size or two before summer.

My weight has a tremendous effect on my self image and for me it can be as little as being 5 pounds over my “ideal” (for me) weight. (I am rather short.) It’s an issue I struggle with. I had been doing fine since the split but put on a bit in the past few months that is bothering me.

No. To answer the q I’ve never had self-destructive thoughts but if I did it sure wouldn’t involve drifting into a size 14. Only constant, severe pain would cause me to think about “it.”

@Aster I should clarify by saying that I don’t “want” to die, it’s just that when I get over a certain (somewhat arbitrary) weight, I feel as if it’s a personal shortcoming and that I don’t “deserve” to live. I know it’s screwed up and entirely untrue, but when I’m in the moment, it’s hard not to conflate dress size with self-worth.

@janbb I’m glad you’re doing better now. Did you recently go through a breakup or divorce?

@LeavesNoTrace Yeah – my former husband and I separated three years ago and divorced last February. I lost about 10 pounds after he left and kept most of it off until recently. I’ve been doing much better in general but the weight has become a bit of an issue again.

One friend who worked in retail said it wasn’t the big girls who cried in the dressing rooms but the relatively normal-sized girls who got a little bigger.

Its commonly said that the mind is a wonderful servant and a terrible master, and your thoughts are an example of that. But you are neither the thoughts nor the mind, because you can observe both. You come before both. If you seat yourself in that before-ness, then the mind can’t reach you with its taunts—kind of like when you easily disregard the opinion of an idiot and the words don’t affect you. If you stay seated in that long enough, then the mind becomes a servant again.

As long as you give attention and belief to those thoughts, they will keep coming, but without your energy, they will die.

Is your knee better now? I think if you can change your focus away from ‘l’ve put on weight’ to finding ways to get healthy and active, demoralizing events like not fitting into a dress will have less of an emotional effect.

Use your measurements and average weight over a week as your guide rather than dress size. And focus on finding flattering, well fitting clothes until you’re back to your preferred weight. Rather than beating yourself up about BR sizing, focus on what you’ve achieved this week. So hone in on the exercise you did or eating healthy, nutritious food in reasonable portions for the majority of the week. A change in focus will help you to avoid becoming despondent when something like this happens.

Is it normal? No. But I did go through a stage like that when I was pregnant with my first born. I was extremely emotional and I remember one bad day when I found I couldn’t fit into any of my clothes. My hormones had me all twisted up. Could you be suffering through a hormonal issue and that is why you are gaining weight as well? I would see a doctor to determine if the recent weight is a physical health issue. If it is not then I would see a doctor for depression.

As for the Banana republic. There sizes may say 12 but they are probably more a size 9 teen size. I find a lot of their clothes seemed geared to young girls who haven’t blossomed yet. Grown women have curves. So don’t beat yourself up. The higher end stores tend to sell to model type women. Their plus sizes, 12, 14 are a joke, then when they jump between a 14 to a 16, suddenly the size is way bigger, but they don’t usually carry anything higher than a 14 because the 14 is more like a 10. They only want a thin people to shop there and make their clothes look nice so people will ask them where did they get the outfit.

@Pandora It’s true that a lot of retailers have been scaling down their sizes to encourage only the extremely svelte to shop there. But it’s hard to be a size 6 when you’re 6ft tall and it feel like unfair discrimination when (compared to my height), I’m actually smaller than a lot of women. :(

I don’t think I have a hormonal disorder.The 10 pounds I’ve gained are a combination of winter pudge and eating too damned much. I know it’s not the end of the world and I could get back to a size 10 again with a little time and effort but it’s hard to deal with in the moment when I start to spiral about it.

I’m a 26-year-old woman who lives in NYC—surrounded by wealthy, thin, attractive people. It’s hard not to compare yourself to them. What upsets me more than the size of my pants is my reaction to it. My mother (now deceased) was very critical of weight (herself and others) and often would call me out when she thought I was too fat. I fluctuated weight a lot as a teen and yo-yo’ed between a size 6 and a 16, which I know is crazy! When I was on the bigger end of that spectrum, she would relentlessly put me down and call me fat but when I was thin, I felt like I was a “good” daughter again for correctly performing feminity. It sucked. It really f*cking sucked.

In my 20s, I went on to have a short but successful run as a commercial print model but as a size 8 and 6ft tall, I was still bigger than the high-fashion girls because of my hip span. So yeah…me and my body have had a complicated relationship and I’d really like to fix that ASAP.

^ hardly surprising that weight gain affects you emotionally given your family history. I think most people are upset when they gain weight but for you the emotional response is more extreme. Asking this question shows you recognize your response is extreme.