How do I tell my overly religious/protective parents that I'm pregnant though I'm unmarried, even though I'm 24?

You are an adult. They can’t stop you or your boyfriend from doing anything.

Now, who do you live with? You say you can’t afford rent. Do you and your boyfriend both work?

We (I) need more specifics.

You are 24 and your BF I assume is close to your age and between the 2 of you, you cannot afford a place of your own? Stop making excuses and spend the next 5 months saving every penny you have and tell the BF to get a better job or start working 2 jobs to support the family is about to have. Downsize your expectations for having a roof over your head and just find a way to make it work. I would also avoid getting married until BF shows a bigger commitment to supporting you and your child.

As long as you have a job and transportation, you can find a plscevto live.

You need to move out as soon as possible. Then you have the luxury of telling them at a time of your choosing instead of when it starts becoming obvious.

Once the child is here, it’s highly likely they’ll change their attitude and accept their grandchild.

Who cares what kind of names they call you. If you aren’t living under their roof, you don’t need to go through the stress of listening to it on a daily basis b

Give us some more info about your job situations, car (even if you need to buy a very used car) and whether you’re located in the US or not and we can give you numerous resources to help in the search for a suitable living situation.

As long as it’s safe, it doesn’t need to be glamorous or expensive. The bottom line is you need to get put from under their roof and be independent of them.

What parents say before something happens, is very different to how they behave when that thing becomes reality. Yes, given the attitudes you’re suggesting here, they’re going to be upset but if they love you, they will find a way to move beyond their disappointment. However, it’s likely to take them some time.

You have to focus on what you and your partner want and how you will manage being pregnant and raising this child. You still live at home. If your parents respond badly, and at least for a time it sounds like they will, you’ll have to move out. How will you manage that? Your problems are bigger than telling your parents. You need to work out how you’re going to provide a home and all the things this baby needs. Accept your parents may be upset and behave as an adult. You need to be responsible for the life you’ve created.

Agree – you and your boyfriend need to move in together and work on how you’re going to care for the baby. Your parents’ attitude is secondary once you are out of the house.

They are very religious, but might force to abort? What religion is that?

You know it’s a boy? Sounds like you are probably past the time of a legal abortion anyway.

Are you going to ask your parents for financial help?

Do you still live with your parents?

Just tell them, unless you think they will kill you or something really crazy. They already dislike your boyfriend. Sounds like possibly they have a point, unless you both decided to get pregnant together? Why are you pregnant?

Most parents, especially religious ones, get all religious about a new life.

“Mummy, Daddy, I am having a baby in June. You will soon be grandparents. I am expecting a boy, and I hope you will love him.”
You are an adult. Don’t cower like a child. Tell them, and wait for tears, cheers, whatever reaction they have.
Oh, and… kootchie kootchie, baby!

since everyone (almost) asked for more details, I’ll just put all as one paragraph instead of just answering individually.

mom and aunt, sorry I forgot to write that. I live with them and do not have my own car. even with the money I do have saved and money I will continue to save, I won’t be able to afford one for a few years. my job recently cut my hours in half and I am still paying my student loans every month, so that eats up a lot of the money I do have. friends and have been helping us with buying stuff I will need, and my godson’s mom has some hand me downs for me as well since her son is much older and does not fit in newborn stuff anymore. I don’t intend on having my parents help financially at all if I can help it. I am getting health insurance through the state now and, if I can help it, I hope to not need any further government assistance.

as far as finding a place around here, finding something under $1,000 is a joke, especially if its going to be an apartment for the three of us and we can;t have room mates because honestly, no one wants a newborn moving in. I live in NY, in case anyone wanted to know that, but not NYC.

If you don’t want to tell them until after the baby’s arrival there’s no law saying you have to. If you’re not living with them, the choice of the timing will be totally yours.

Let’s face it, it will then be too late to try to talk you into an abortion and once that cute baby is here, its not as if they’ll kill him or something ridiculous.

Save yourself a lot of hassle and get out from under their roof. You’ll be surprised at how liberating that will be.

It’s time to grow up. Pretty soon your priorities will no longer be focused upon your parents. Another life will be counting on you to take care of him.

@tinyfaery I live with my mom, aunt, and two dogs. as I said in the additional paragraph, finding anything under a grand around here is impossible. I work but my hours were recently cut, and he is working on getting a stable job while doing his side work as well.

@Cruiser he is 26. I just turned 24 last november, he’ll be 27 in august. the only expectations we have for an apartment is that it’s not in a bad area and that it is something we can afford. other then that, neither of us really care what kind of place we get.

we don’t plan on getting married for a while (though we say we’re engaged, that hasn’t happened yet either)

Are there no cheaper areas in the city you live in? Perhaps you’ll have to move further afield. I don’t really think you can expect your aunt and mother to provide a home for you and your baby and especially if they’re opposed to you being pregnant and having this child.

Your boyfriend will also need to pay child support. Does he not work? Will he be finding work? What are your plans with regards to your relationship with him? You’ve answered some of these questions, but this isn’t your sole responsibility. There are two of you.

@Buttonstc I have a job, but not transportation. we’d have to rely heavily on public transit.

I’m trying to do so but can not find anything affordable in the area.

I highly doubt their acceptance level or anything will change. it will most likely only get worse once the baby is born.

as I said earlier, I’m not looking for anything specific other then the area it’s in and the price as far as an apartment goes.

Try Craigslist to see if you can find a room to rent or an apartment to share with others. Where is your boyfriend living now?

$1,000.00 ?

You need to start getting creative.

And why on earth would you refuse any government assistance ? That’s absolutely ridiculous. Your silly pride needs to take a back seat to your baby’s needs.

If you are eligible for food stamps it would be the height of foolishness to not use them for your child’s nutrition. Get real.

You need to find a solid woman mentor with a good head on her shoulders to advise you because you’re going to need all the practical advice you can get.

Find a women’s organization that helps pregnant unwed mothers. There is help available to you. USE IT.

@Earthbound_Misfit because of how they are, I don’t think their opinions will change very much between then and now. if anything, it will have gotten worse since then.

I have a local friend that said I can move in with her and her boyfriend for the time being if they freak out once I tell them, but I won’t be able to get to school OR work if I do that.
the plan thus far is to get a place near where I work so I can manage to get there before I start maternity leave and after it is over. I looked into several programs from the state to help but every time I reach out (phone and email) I get ignored or told there is a waiting list between 1–2 years long. I’m trying to find more, but so far the only shot I have is with WIC for food.

my friend (mother of my godson) is planning on moving (she lives in MA) and said when/if she does, we can stay with her, but it’s not solid yet.

@janbb we have a plan but executing it is the hard part

@Kairi I would have all the pieces in place and not tell them until you are ready to move. Why subject yourself to their negativity more than you have to? And I agree with @Buttonstc that you should look into whatever resources are available for pregnant women. Look for a woman’s center or social services in your town.

Just read the above. Looks like you got pregnant first and started thinking of the consequences after. Not the first woman to do that but you are in a pickle.

@JLeslie they’re also the people who told my homeless friend to go live in the cold and stop being a bum and judge almost everyone they see. so certain parts of the religious aspect they don’t follow. I was thinking more adoption when I said that, though, sorry ^^”

I am just over 21 weeks or so, if I recall correctly. but yes, I’m a few weeks past the legal abortion limit in my state.

I am not going to ask them for financial help at all if I can help it.

honestly I don’t know what they would do to me and it kicks my anxiety into high gear when I think of it. which makes the baby kick me.

they’d be too busy calling me a whore and telling me I’m going to hell to even think of the baby. I just don’t get why my much younger cousin can have a child with his girlfriend and everyone thinks its adorable, but I have one with my boyfriend and everyone gets disgusted by me and my existence.

@Here2_4 its not so much about growing up and facing it as talking to them about things like the weather terrifies me to the core and kicks my anxiety and depression up sky high

@Buttonstc the way things are going, I’ll be showing way before I find a place. we’ve been looking since we lost our old place last July (way before I got pregnant) and haven’t been able to find anything for just us. most of the ads people either don’t reply or I get a reply saying something like “its already taken, I just haven’t taken down the ad yet sorry”

I want to find a place where he’ll be safe but at this point I feel like I have no choice other then to give him up for adoption like I was given up and that kills me

What about your boyfriend’s parents? Do they know? Can they help?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds as though you do have some other support mechanisms so make sure you draw on them until you can sort things out.

You are going to have a lot of battles to fight as a mother; you have to figure out how you are going to handle it.

See if there is a charitable home for unwed mothers in your area. I know some churches run them.

Yes, I am sorry you are facing this too. Not easy at all.

@Earthbound_Misfit nothing cheaper without having room mates but every one that we contact that involves room mates say the’re not comfortable with the baby. I’m actually looking in the cities nearest where I work (since they have public transit). I live in the suburbs and rent is closer to 2000 here then where I work.
I don’t want them to provide anything. I just want them to love me…

he does little on the side stuff to do for money while he is working on getting a better job, but finding a better job isn’t working out well either. I’m helping look for places too since I’m trained for that kind of thing from school. hopefully that helps. we’re hoping to stay together and raise the baby and marriage is not on either of our minds right now because we have to take care of him first before we can spend money on something like that (even though I’m perfectly fine with just going to the court house)

@janbb he lives with his grandparents in NYC but has to be out soon. we’ve tried craigslist but no luck.

Maybe you can put up a notice where you work? Think of it as a two step process. One is to get you and your belly out of the house; second is to live with the father of the baby. You may have to live separately for a time.

@Buttonstc its not really about refusing gov’t assistance, it’s being told every time I apply that I make too much money to qualify. I’m fine with doing so until we can get on our feet better on our own. I grew up on welfare and I know it isn’t easy and I know the way people react to it saying you’re just lazy moochers (though that is certainly not true. yes, some people do take advantage, but not everyone). he doesn’t want to take it unless absolutely necessary but that’s his own problem.

food stamps itself I can’t get. I can get WIC though so I’m looking more into that.

I don’t ahve any of those in my life, unfortunately.

the only local organizations like that just put you in a homeless shelter (according to their website) and I know how dangerous the one sin the area are because I know people living in them.

@janbb I’ve been trying but I keep getting told I don’t qualify for assistance because I make too much or other such excuses.

@Earthbound_Misfit they don’t know and recently had to move back to their home country because they lost their apartment. also, he wants nothing to do with them and vise versa

I have people on my side with ideas but none that actually work yet

Does your employer know? How long have you worked there? I’m just wondering if they’re likely to allow you to increase your hours and what the chances are of maternity leave and the like.

@janbb as I said early, the only ones in the area put you in the city homeless shelters which are dangerous and almost always full.

I can talk to the weather woman at work (I work at a news station) and see if she knows anywhere to go to since she’s the only one there that knows, as of right now, that I’m pregnant. (I’m security so I work for a different company completely but my work is done at that building). I’m not allowed to put up notices that aren’t sanctioned by the building managers and my supervisor, and/or job related or I get reprimanded.

I don’t mind living separately, but there’s only so long we can manage to do that

@Kairi Join your area freecycle.org group. They are constantly offering up all sorts of baby stuff, furniture, clothes, TV’s all free for the asking you just have to go pick it up. I have a beautiful leather couch in my office and a very nice Baby Grand Piano in my living room thanks to freecylce. Good luck to you and your new baby you sound like a nice lady and should be a great mom.

@Earthbound_Misfit they don’t know yet but I’m hoping to go to the office tomorrow after class and talk to them about it since I have to get new uniform pants too (was going to do so today but the storm hit)
I’ve worked there about a year and a half (will be about two years in June, actually).
it took them four months of me begging them to change my schedule because I was working two 16.5 hour shifts in a row (they have terrible timing) so getting more hours will take a while as well. I’m not above getting a temporary second part-time job if I have to do so instead of just adding hours

@Cruiser I’ve never heard of them before, but thank you, I will give it a try.

tahnk you, I appreciate that ^^

*thank

Here is a list of shelters for unwed pregnant women run by religious organizations in New York state. There may be one near you. They seem to be religiously oriented and anti-abortion but not just homeless shelters.

The best would be to gather some money and be able to move out, but I am not seeing that happen. I think you should tell your parents. You need a back up plan for the day you tell them. A place to go for a few weeks if they kick you out. A woman’s shelter might be relatively safe if there is one where you live. Or, maybe the Catholic church has somewhere you can go? Or, some other church.

Do your parents expect you to live at home until you are married? Or, are they already annoyed you are still at home? Where do they stand on all of that?

If the worst they do is call you a whore, well, you already think they think that, so try not to let what names they call you bother you. You don’t actually think they believe you are still a virgin do you? You are dating a guy they don’t like and you think they imagine you don’t have sex with him? That would be some really naive parents.

Parents surprise kids all the time. I realize you are an adult, but I’m just goung to say many times parents give the impression they will be horrible, angry and punitive. They tell kids not to get pregnant and not to drink or do drugs. Kids are sure if they get caught it will all be horrific. But, a lot of the time parents rally around their children and are not angry they are afraid. Afraid you might have hurt your future or made you path in life more difficult. Their rules are to protect usually, not to control.

@Kairi: What county do you live in? I am familiar with resources for Social Services in local counties because I work in that field.

I am going to bed now and will respond more in the morning, but an option for you is to go into a regular shelter (in the county I work in, they’re just like apartments or hotel rooms) and then you will be high up on the list for Section 8, which the shelter staff will help you apply for. Section 8 will not take more than ⅓ of your income for an apartment. I can help you if you answer the question about what county you work in. I’ll address this more in the morning, as I said I am going to bed now.

@janbb thank you for the link! only one of them is anywhere near where I live but I’ll contact them shortly. thank you!

@JLeslie if I need to go somewhere for a few weeks, my friend and her bf have an extra room in their apartment I can use for short term, if need be anyway. they live pretty close by and if I give him some gas money, he can take me to the only local bus stop or to school/work or whatnot.

they want me to stay home and never leave until they die. my mother seriously said that and told me if I do leave after they die, I have to dig up the dog we buried in the back yard and bring her with me wherever I go. you can’t make up this craziness, I swear.

no, they think I broke up with him because they said if I want to be with him, I have to get out and never come back. as far as Ik they still think I’m a virgin, yeah.

normally when I get into a bad spot, they do help, but then they shelter me further and restrict my movements more.

@jca I live in Saratoga County, but if I move I’d have to live in Albany County.
I’d love to find a shelter like that if possible. there was one up in Saratoga but they were full last I knew and had no rooms to put people in (in their place or otherwise) I can imagine it’s worse now with winter.

I’m not sure I qualify for section 8, since I don’t have proof of income for my hours changing and using the last two paychecks makes it look like I make significantly more then I actually do no. I can try to go to the local Captain office and see if they have any resources or ideas for me, too. I used to intern there.

thank you very much for your help. night! you cna private message me if you’d like instead of replying here

Sounds like your boyfriend needs to man-up and marry you. If he has no traceable income, then you immediately become the sole provider – in the government’s eye – for a family of three. That will make you all eligible for food and housing assistance.

To me it looks like adoption or immediate marriage. I would marry, keep it a secret from your mom, and apply for benefits. When you get them, make an exit plan and tell the family at the same time you tell them you’re moving.

I don’t see how you can earn too much to be eligible for benefits, live at home, and have virtually no savings?

@ibstubro he wants to do so but that also costs money that we don’t have, even if its just in the court house.
they’d find out somehow. I have family that spies on me for them and reports anything they don’t like.

I have some savings but its admittedly not a lot. that old apartment we had took a huge chunk out of the savings I did have, since my hours were cut once when we started living there, then went back up but no enough to help us keep it.

they say I earn too much because of my previous hours. if I wait a month and get proof of my new hours and income, then they may not say that. but like I said, it will take a month. I went from working 37 hours a week to 16 a week.

You need to move out of your parents home. That will lower the amount of input they can offer.
Your BF needs to help support you, even if he is working 2 jobs. That would actually help rehabilitate him in your parents eyes.
Marriage is also a good idea, but you should be sure this is the right guy for you. If he isn’t, why are you having a child together?
Lastly, recognize that your parents love you, and want you to be happy.

If you’re moving straight from your parent’s place, it’s doubtful that you’ll be able to get a traditional apartment right away. There are hurdles like proving your income and credit history. You could probably rent a basement apartment in someone’s house, though. Places like that are under the “rooms and shared” section of craigslist. They usually cost around ⅔ to ¾ as much as a conventional apartment.

If your boyfriend can’t help you financially, he doesn’t need to be living with you. Based on your situation, living together and in an apartment is something you want, not something you need.

I looked through your other questions for background on this and it looks like you’re in Albany. In that same section of craigslist, there are single bedrooms for rent in the $300–400 range. Even working part time, you can afford something like that. Renting a bedroom in a small city is so easy. If you don’t have any savings, ask friends if you can borrow the money, or ask for an advance on your paycheck.

If your hours have been cut, start looking for another job. In the mean time, offer to cover shifts for your co-workers, and try to take on more responsibility over there.

The city seems to have a bus line, so you should look for a place to live on public transit. Or ask all of your co-workers if you can carpool with any of them. Or even look for a place to live that is in walking distance from your work.

Getting a car is easier than you think. I also thought it would take years and years to save up for a car. In fact, you can just apply for a car loan at your bank. You can either ask in person or apply online.

After reading a few of your other questions, it seems like you have a self-defeating attitude. Every time someone tried to help you or give you advice, you had reasons why it wouldn’t work. If you spend all your energy looking for problems and not solutions, nothing will ever change.

This thread and your other questions are full of useful, well-meaning advice. Now it’s time to take a first step, in real life.

Straight talk here. You are doing nothing but making excuses. You are an adult. Fuck your parents. They don’t seem to give a fuck about you so why should you care about anything they say or think. From the age of 17 I have been living on my own and supporting myself. You do what you have to do, for your sake and your baby’s. Get 3 jobs. Walk, run, bike or bus it wherever you need to go. Consider moving to a more affordable place. Dumpster dive. Consider shelters or other relatives and friends.

Just do it. The most they can do is “disown you”, and from what it sounds like that could be a blessing.

Just to give you an example about the car situation. My first car was a real sorry looking piece of crap but it was mechanically sound and it really didn’t cost a lot.

But boy did it make my life so much easier in a thousand different ways. I had never realized how much of my time was wasted in waiting around for public transportation.

Plus if you get an older car, you’re only required to carry liability insurance so your costs are much lower.

I didn’t realize you were that far from NYC but if you’re near Albany you’re basically in upstate NY. I used to live in NY And went to college in Plattsburgh.

There are lots of used cars up there which are the worse for wear, cosmetically speaking due to all the rock salt in the roads that they put down in wintertime. Lots of rust and corrosion which looks kind of crappy but may have a well running car hidden underneath.

You would be amazed at how much your options open up in terms of jobs, living situations etc. with a car. You can go anywhere that is financially feasible. You should seriously look into getting a good cheap car and then see how many more living situations are accessible. Same for jobs.

I would never consider living in upstate NY without a car. NYC is survivable without a car but anything in the suburbs is one HUGE pain in so many ways.

Seriously look into this. You’ll be glad you did.

Hopefully, @jca will have good advice for your county or surrounding county. Probably counties to the west would be cheaper to live in. I’m just guessing based on what little I know about that area. I did a quick search and there are some studios and one bedrooms for less than $1,000 in your county, but obviously I don’t know where some of the specific cities are, or the specific neighborhoods. I hope you aren’t only looking at 2 bedroom apartments? You and your boyfriend can live in a studio if you need to. Especially for a year while you get started.

Saratoga Springs has a ton of money floating around during racing season, and is beautiful. I would think getting a job as a waiter makes good money there. I realize it isn’t season now, but it will be warming up in a few months. Securing a job now might be a good idea.

If you both make an average of $10 an hour full time you should be able to easily afford a small apartment. You should be working and saving. You still might pass for not pregnant right now, once you look pregnant it will be harder to find a job. From tomorrow forward your job is finding a job, same for your boyfriend. Go to a temp agency, apply in restaurants, apply at the mall. Is there a mall near you? Walgreens, supermarkets, Home Depot, come on, you both can get more work. This is your primary focus, not whether you tell your parents this week. Getting a job is more important than anything right now. You can save for the next 4 months before the baby is born. If you are an average weight girl it will become almost impossible to hide the pregnancy soon. Winter clothing helps you out a little. I can usually tell when a girl is pregnant by the second month if I see her every day. Pregnancy boobs, hair and skin.

I think you have forced the issue by getting pregnant. Now you have to do something, you left yourself no choice. Now, your parents will know for sure you are still with your boyfriend and you will probably finally get out of their house, or you will continue to be dependent on them with even more dependency now.

I really don’t believe your parents think you are a virgin. Stop thinking that. They are going to be upset you’re pregnant, because they think this guy is bad for you and because you let yourself get pregnant. You’re hoping they throw you out I think, because in your mind you can’t get out otherwise. If you wind up on the street you will blame them. Being on the street pregnant or with a child is not an option.

@Kairi: You say “I live in Saratoga County but if I move I’d have to live in Albany County.” If you apply for social services, they’re typically not going to allow you to show up in the county of your choice to receive benefits. If that were the case, I would advise you to move to Westchester County and apply for benefits there, since they have so many services and resources. They will tell you go right back where you came from and apply there.

As far as the baby goes, you are 24 years old. You are under no obligation to be led around by your parents and made to put the baby up for adoption or anything like that. I am not sure why at 24 years old you feel submissive to parents when the only thing they have over you is your shelter. You’re not going to allow your crazy parents to “make” you do something you are going to regret for the rest of your life.

It seems like if you are looking to provide your boyfriend with shelter, you’re taking on an extra burden. You have your baby to worry about. Your boyfriend, who is going to get kicked out of his grandparents’ house in NYC, will be coming along with you, it seems, but not able to pull his weight financially. Many places and people will be willing to put up a pregnant woman or woman with a baby but not the “third wheel” especially one who is working at some bullshit jobs. What your boyfriend should be doing right now is busting his ass to get some money up for you and the baby.

What you need to plan to do, if you are going to stay in Saratoga County, is look to apply for every single thing you can apply for. Don’t be too proud, don’t go on who has turned you down in the past, don’t go on what you assume they are going to do when they look at your paycheck, that your hours went down, they’re going to go by this week or my reduction in hours or whatever. You just go and apply and don’t make assumptions about what they will figure out.

When you go to Social Services, you are not going to only talk to people about financial services, you are going to ask for a caseworker and explain your situation to them. Explain to them that you absolutely, posi-tutely cannot stay with your parents because you will definitely get kicked out. No if’s and’s or but. Make it clear you will be sleeping outside in the winter with a baby. That is, of course, not going to happen but that is what you are going to say. Tell them you have no friends that will take you in and you want resources for you and your child.

You do need a car, like someone said above, especially up there (“upstate”) but having a car that is old and breaking down all the time is not helpful either.

@filmfann‘s question about why you had a baby with this guy is not the issue right now, as you can’t undo what’s been done already. You’re going to have the baby and provide for it. As far as your boyfriend goes, he does seem to be baggage right now as I’m hearing a lot about what he is going to do but not about what he is doing . People talk a lot of shit (I’m referring to your boyfriend) but he needs to put his money where his mouth is and come up with a plan, resources, whatever, or he’s useless in this situation.

I am going to get you links for Saratoga County later. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and it is now 5 and I’m hoping to get back to sleep for an hour or two before work today.

Link #1. You’re going to go in there and talk to Preventive Services and you’re going to apply for SNAP. You said somewhere above you already have health insurance from state, so I assume you either already receive Medicaid or have something else. Otherwise you’re going to go to Medicaid also.

Saratoga County Department of Social Services:
http://www.saratogacountyny.gov/departments/social-services/

Link #2: Section 8 assistance in Saratoga County. Do not take “no” for an answer. Even if they tell you that you are going to be on waiting lists for 2 years, you need to get the application in and be on the fucking list. So tell them “That’s fine” and fill out whatever forms you need to fill out:

http://www.gosection8.com/public-housing-authority/Saratoga-NY/

Here’s more info about Section 8:

http://www.vethelpny.org/housing-services/info-for-applicants/

Say “I’m pregnant.”

I’m not Catholic and I’m not religious, but this agency is very helpful to people who want to keep their babies and not get abortions. Catholic Charities – go there and talk to someone about your situation.

http://www.ccrcda.org/saratoga.htm

Do everything @jca said. This is a gift to have someone who knows the system at your disposal.

Seconding that having @jca here for advice is a gift. Good luck with this!

FYI, @Kairi, Preventive Services is for parents whose children are at risk of foster care. When you go there, you’re going to talk to a caseworker about your situation and they’re going to provide you with resources (i.e. referrals to agencies and help with other departments in Social Services) that may be able to help you. They should also ask you if you want to have a case with them, and you should. They will help you in an ongoing manner, and can really be helpful. If they’re not helpful, you can close your case. Preventive Services can work closely with CPS, which can be intimidating to some people, but they can help you and you should talk to them about what they can do. Right now you need all the help you can get, and you need to be resourceful and they are a resource.

Your eyes are already open and you know what to expect already so go into it with your head up and announce it forthrightly. Don’t beat around the bush, just say it and be done with it.

Don’t put up with any negativity. You do not need to be a punching bag and certainly don’t need the grief so if they start into wailing and gnashing their teeth just tell them you will be happy to talk to them after they have had a chance to process the information, and leave. Don’t go away mad, but get out and let them come to grips with it in their own way and on their own time.

Please keep us updated on your progress. You’re in a tough situation and we’re all pulling for you! As you can see, you can get a lot of good support here.

What reasons do they give for “hating” your BF?

Also, how can you have been raised without a father, yet have “parents”?

@Kairi They’re telling you that in your current situation (childless) you don’t qualify. Usually healthy young people with no children don’t qualify. Govt benefits are for the support of the children, more than the adults.

@Dutchess_III The OP has stated that she lives with her adoptive mother and aunt. But I agree, saying parents is misleading.

Is there any possibility you’re hoping your parents will invite you, your boyfriend and the baby to move in and help out?

@Kairi: You need to ask if you move out of your parents’ house and are then homeless, would you qualify? Then be prepared to put yourself in a local shelter. That will also speed your way to a Section 8 voucher.

@filmfann honestly, there isn’t anything he can do to win him any points with them. they hate him and always will.

they act more like they want to control me and keep me stuck here then want what’s best for me. I just feel like there are certain things I can do that will stop them from loving me, and this is one of them.

I’m not sure on the marriage part yet but only because of the money aspect of it. it costs 40 bucks just to file at the court house, let alone everything else, and right now our money needs to go towards the baby and not us.

@Haleth I’ve tried that section and the rent is still too high for me to afford (700–800 is what I’m normally finding there). I’ve tried for just a room but most people have either ignored me or said no because of the baby and not wanting to deal with that.
I’m actually going to talk to my boss about it tomorrow. I tried today but he wasn’t in the office, so I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to do that. as a security guard, I work alone at my site, so carpooling isn’t possible.

I don’t mean to be negative and just shoot everything down, but I’ve always gone by trying to look at both sides of things so I make better informed decisions before I do something I regret (like that old apartment I had. that was a nightmare)

@Buttonstc I’ve tried to find a car that at least runs and isn’t crippled by engine failure (a lot of low priced listings I’ve found are for parts and not actual cars) but I still can’t find anything I’ll be able to afford.
there is one bus that is in the suburbs that goes up to Albany, but it stops running after noon on the dot. (I don’t understand why they do it that way. I think its particularly useless and a waste of their money to run it so little)

@JLeslie actually, I’m only really looking at studios and one bedrooms. I don’t need anything high end, just safe and livable. I have to read jca’s comments and reply to those two, but from what I saw skimming through first, there is a ton of good advice there. I have m security license so I could actually be a guard up at the concert hall in Saratoga (SPAC) once the season for that comes around, as well.

I make 10.30 an hour now but its only 16 hours a week. I’m going to look into the work study program at school again and hope I’m not rejected for making too much currently. I was a teaching assistant when I last went to school, but I’ve been asked to be a tutor before too (can only do one at a time. work study or tutor). it doesn’t make much at all (min wage I think), but it’s worth it.
Idk what he can get for work (mostly minimum wage with his qualifications but that’s better then nothing) but I’m working on finding more employment fitting around my school schedule.

I don’t want to be thrown out, but I’m at a point where it feels like they’ve just been waiting for an excuse to do so and this is just what they’ve been waiting for to happen so they can do it.

@rojo I’m too afraid to just say it.

@Dutchess_III I call my mom and aunt my parents because I was raised by both of them.

they say he’s lazy, useless,my mom accuses him of being gay all the time (apparently that’s a bad thing to her Idk), they blame his ex stealing his stuff and fleeing to Vegas on him saying he could have prevented it when she shows all the signs of a sociopath and is continuing to harass us both online, they got mad that he showed up at their place unannounced to see me because he was devastated by what the ex did to him and wanted to be near me because he trusts me, they don’t like him because we got into a fight once or twice (verbal anyway)

@Aster there’s no possibility of that ever happening, especially concerning him or his offspring (our child is his only child) so no I’m not hoping that. the whole “you should tell your parents because it won’t be as bad as you think” idea comes from my best friend.

@jca I have no idea where Westchester county is. but I was told that if I get benefits while living in one county but eventually down the road get my own place and move, they can transfer my case that way (they did that with my boyfriend’s health insurance when he went from Albany county to Saratoga county) but I’m not sure how accurate that is.

I am absolutely petrified of my parents. I can’t even breathe without them getting pissed off or telling me I’m doing it wrong.

the reason he wants to live with me is more to be with me and the baby and add some extra income so we can afford a place, but yes, I see what you mean.

I don’t really care where I work as long as it doesn’t interfere too much with school.

I’ll see what I can do when I call tomorrow to make an appointment. if you don’t have an appointment and don’t show up at 8 AM, its not likely you’ll get seen that day.

I’ve told him that he’s being useless and he needs to do something and I mean anything to help. yes, he’s helping look online for things but that’s not much help other then that because it never goes anywhere.

there is a case open for me with medicaid (planned parenthood got it started for me) but I don’t have the insurance for sure yet.

last time I tried to contact the about it and they said there was a waiting list, they told me not to bother and hung up on me.

I’m not religious either, but I’ve looked into them and from what I’ve read, I don’t qualify for help from them but I’ll try it again anyway.

I don’t trust CPS for the life of me due to their reputation for screwing up, but I understand what you mean. I’ve never heard of preventative services before.

from what I’ve been told, the local shelters are full.

Thank you very much for all your help! I’ll make calls tomorrow between classes

Your parents sound abusive. Regardless of the baby, nobody should render you speechless through fear. I don’t care who they are or what they’ve done for you or how old or young you are. For you to be so afraid of them is unacceptable and you need to get out of there.

@Earthbound_Misfit I’ve been trying to for a while. the last apartment we had fell through and drained all our funds so I had no choice but to move back home or I would have just looked for a new place. and now I feel stuck

So, did you get pregnant on purpose?

Westchester county is south of you, next to NYC. Towns and cities like Yonkers, Rye, Scarsdale, Sleepy Hollow are all in Westchester and places you might have heard of.

@Kairi You’ve mentioned school several times. Is there a counselor or career services there that might help you through this thicket? You certainly sound bright and like you are trying to improve your life.

You really need to get far away from parents who terrify you; you have enough on your plate already.

@Kairi: If your parents don’t physically abuse you, which I assume they don’t, then let them be mad but just try to ignore them. In the meantime, you have a home with them. Home is important with a baby.

In the county I work in, if you have a child and you are offered shelter and you choose not to take it, they will take the baby and put it in foster care. As it was told to me “You can sleep on the railroad tracks if you want to, but if you have a baby, you need to be in a shelter.”

When you say“I have no idea where Westchester county is. but I was told that if I get benefits while living in one county but eventually down the road get my own place and move, they can transfer my case that way” you are correct. However, if you don’t have benefits and you show up in a new county, and say “I just moved here, I want to apply” then they will tell you go right back to where you came from and apply there. Otherwise, everyone without jobs would all move to counties where they pay well.

Honestly, listening to you talk about your boyfriend, it seems like he is useless (your words) and more of a hindrance than a help. He’s looking for jobs online? What kind of work does he do? The way to get jobs is usually not online, except in exceptional cases.

Medicaid, Catholic Charities, etc. YOU NEED TO GO THERE. Don’t just call. Go there and speak to someone. You need to be a strong advocate for the baby. Don’t get the runaround from receptionists who may view you as “work.” Show up, ask for a caseworker and state your case. If you don’t become strong and start to fight, you’re going to end up at the bottom of the heap.

You said “They tell me they have a waiting list but not to bother and they hung up on me” that’s an example of how these places may look at you as “work.” You need to GO THERE and GET ON THE WAITING LIST.

When you go to these places, write down the names and dates of who you spoke to. Be prepared to contact your local politician if you have to. Tell these places you will be contacting higher ups if necessary.

Stop having an attitude of “I can’t, they won’t” because that will get you nowhere.

What does he do for a living? What is there about him that makes your parents think he is lazy and useless? And how can he be gay if you’re his pregnant girlfriend?

Wait! He’s gay?

She said her Mom accuses him of being gay, not that he is gay. Critical thinking, people, critical thinking!

The whole sentence was ”...my mom accuses him of being gay all the time (apparently that’s a bad thing to her Idk)” Her saying “apparently that’s a bad thing to her,” implies that he is gay.

So why do they think he’s gay?

^ ‘Her saying “apparently that’s a bad thing to her,” implies that he is gay.’

The OP could also be clarifying that her mother’s derogative use of the term “gay” does not reflect her own opinion.

True, but it was ambiguous. IS he gay?

Oy. Some people don’t want help. They just want to complain.

@jca I cant physically get there because I start classes early in the morning every day and if I don’t get there by 8am, I’m out of luck. I figured making an appointment would help

@jleslie no, not on purpose
oh ok. Ik where it is now. Thanks

@janbb there isn’t a counselor at school that I know of, but I can talk to different teachers if I need help but they can’t really do much if its not academics.

@jca he does online searches to see who is hiring and then goes from there.

@dutchess_III he had his own little business selling collectibles and stuff of the like but 95% of his stuff was stolen. As of now he’s doing odd jobs for people in addition to looking for real work.
idk why they think some of the things he does other then having been given misinformation by the ex that stole his stuff and fled

For everyone, I’ll rephrase. My mom THINKS he is gay because, as he admits, he has feminine tendancies. Also because he is skinny and has long hair. What I meant was I don’t see why anyone being gay is a big deal but it is to my mother.

@jca I have a home with them but only until they find out. Then I will no longer have a place of residence unless my friend can still help

@Kairi The thing about pregnancy, as you must well know, is that it can only be kept secret for a certain amount of time so you have to get things figured out fast.

Is your schooling a top priority right now or can it wait in favor of a better job/more money?

@Kairi: If you want help from an agency, you have to seek it. You need to either take off school or work and maybe try to get a ride from someone. You’re going to be up the creek without a paddle if you keep making excuses.

I am really not comprehending the “I can’t” attitude. This is a baby we’re talking about and you are responsible for it.

@janbb I’m not showing all that much anyway at this point but I’m working on getting the things I need to help em gain the weight we need (baby and me)

@jca I talked to someone at school today and she got me in contact with the dean, who helped me get into contact with the counselor I didn’t even know our school had, and he’s going to help me set a plan together and get in contact and to/from the correct agencies in the area (both counties).

I can drive myself up since my parents let me use the car. its just that leaving too early in the morn will get them suspicious. the dean said that I won’t get penalized if I miss a certain amount of days (if its four you lose your aid or something along those lines) since he knows about the situation more now that we sat down and had time to chat between classes earlier so they’ll make an exception for me. they also said they might be able to get a case worker of some kind to come to school to meet with me for convenience purposes.

thank you very much for your help. I’ll keep you and everyone else posted on how things go.

@janbb I missed part of your comment, sorry.

with my degree, I can’t get a better job until I get a higher one (I have an associates right now and even that doesn’t help get a well paying job beyond what I have right now). this is the only semester I have classes on campus, since the rest are offered only online or at night so I’m going to do online later on.

@Kairi: It definitely takes a village to raise a child. Take all the help you can get. Excellent!

@Kairi: One more word of advice: According to your previous question, your boyfriend is not liked by not only your parents but his parents and also your friends. You may want to take a long, hard look at him and his potential as a mate and father.

http://www.fluther.com/163071/need-a-place-to-go-asap/

@Kairi Just as a little aside, it was I who suggested you be in touch with people at school and see if there are resources there that could help you. I’m glad you found some.

And it is great that you are going to school and that that will help you. You’re just going to have to be very smart about time management with a baby coming; they take not only money but time.

If your boyfriend is a drag and not a help, consider lessening his involvement in your life other than financially.

@jca we’ve been discussing it (several friends and I anyway) and decided that it would be nice if he wants to be a part of his son’s life, but I’m putting my son first. yes, a father being present is important in a child’s life (as everyone here by now knows I do not have one, myself). but honestly if its just me raising him, I don’t have a problem with that either. he and I have our own stuff to work out and until he gets a more suitable job and starts helping more, I’m not going to be concerned or get my hopes up. he has to prove to me that he can be a logical, capable, willing adult before he can even try to be a father. I dont want him walking out and coming back, walking out and coming back, cuz that’s not healthy for anyone especially my son (I’ve seen a there/not there father situation with several friends and it makes me kind of sick. be there 100% or don’t be there at all, I feel). I understand entirely what you’re saying and I’m prepared to go on with or without him.

@janbb did the tag not go through? sorry, I was on my cell when I replied last and it doesn’t always work well. I just happened to be talking to the librarian about my situation cuz she’s one of the few that knows I’m pregnant, and she had a bit of an ‘aha’ moment and that’s what got the ball rolling. I was actually thinking of talking to that exact dean next week after my class got out (it was a late class when this happened so I didn’t know if he was around or not still), but it happened earlier then I expected.

luckily for me the program I am in is relatively easy for a bachelor’s program, so it doesn’t require much time anyway and I can just do what I have to do first (not to mention they don’t hold classes at all on Fridays with my school so that gives me a full day to deal with schoolwork later on. also after the first semester, they lighten the load to 2–3 classes anyway so that’s a big help. plus my cousin just joined the program and is in 2–3 out of my 4 classes, so we ahve each other to lean on for schoolwork)

as for the bf, like I said to jca, I’m willing to do what I need to do and if its on my own then so be it. he needs to get his stuff together before anything.

If you are lucky he will shape up and be a dad, or just be a total deadbeat and not bother you with raising the baby. What usually happens is something in the middle where you have to deal with him ongoing even if you want to be done with him and think he is bad for the child. You are now permanently attached to him via your baby.

The state will require he pay child support. He might never pay, but the state will require it.

@JLeslie they can also terminate his parental rights if he agrees to it and is a threat of any kind, from what I know. I don’t mind dealing with him myself, but I don’t want my son to get hurt by his dad walking in and out. I don’t want him growing up thinking that daddy leaves because of him or because he does something wrong when nothing is his fault whatsoever.

he can’t pay until he gets a job but I know there is something they can do concerning deducting assets or something along those lines if he isn’t working?

In most states he has no rights if you aren’t married. He would have to fight for the right to see his child. I’m not sure about NY law though. I know that’s the law in MI and TN.

After this baby, get on birth control or it will happen again.

@JLeslie I’m not sure either but no, we’re not married.

@Dutchess_III I already have a plan set up for it. had to go through a few diff types before I could find one that wouldn’t mess me up internally. a lot of my friends have had internal bleeding and other such issues from birth control

So you were on birth control when you got pregnant?

Internal bleeding from birth control? Birth control pills? Nope. Sorry that’s bullshit. Or, do you mean an IUD?

Are you trusting friends from your super-religious circle? They are unreliable.

Thanks for calling BS, @JLeslie.

Way more risk of bleeding and life threatening problems with pregnancy than birth control.

@Dutchess_III no I wasn’t at the time

@JLeslie I’d have to ask specifically what ones they used, but I know most of my friends had to be taken off it because of bleeding issues. one of them had an IUD yes

So why did you quit taking birth control if you were sexually active?

@Dutchess_III : Does it matter? This is General and it really doesn’t address her specific issue now.

@Kairi Maybe you men they were having break through bleeding. That’s quite common, especially with these newer low dose pills doctors start women out on.

@canidmajor Kind of it does matter that the OP have accurate information for the future. I has a friend in high school who got an abortion when she became pregnant, because her very religious parents would have freaked out she was having sex. Her religious friends told her the abortion would ruin her and she wouldn’t be able to ever have children. What happened? She became accidentally pregnant again believing she could no longer get pregnant. This was a couple of years later. She had been abstinent a while after the abortion. Wound up in a shot gun wedding. Flipping mess from the misinformation she was given.

Pres. Reagan wanted Surgeon General Koop to say abortions cause harm to a lot of women physically and he refused to lie. Reagan wanted to please his religious right wingers in the party.

@JLeslie ‘internal” was the term they used but that’s probably because they didn’t remember the exact words. but even midol can cause internal bleeding. you have to be careful with any medicine with the side effects, not to mention how they interact with other medications.

I don’t listen to religious groups personally, mostly because when I used to go to church they’d have people come in to talk about abortions and how horrible they are and all that and when I talked to my doctor, she explained the process and it was VERY different then what they were feeding us in church. scare tactics, really, though that’s true of any group. either way, I’d listen to a doctor over my friends. its terrible that she got caught in that kind of situation, though, all from misinformation people were feeding her. :/

@Dutchess_III I was never on it because if I was even just for the effect it has on acne (a friend of mine in high school took it for that), my parents would freak out and assume I’m having sex and restrict my movements completely.

@Dutchess_III not to mention the only birth control doctors would give me was the pill and I can’t swallow pills due to my acid reflux. it landed me in the hospital once for choking on chewed up cereal

Midil can cause internal bleeding for a very specific reason. The BC pill does not have those qualities. Ibuprofen, which is in Midol irritates the stomach lining and can cause ulcers and bleeding ulcers. The pill doesn’t do any of that.

I can’t swallow pills easily either, but the pill is very small and you can take it with food.

I’m not trying to talk you into the pill, there are other birth controls obviously.

Don’t listen to anyone who says you can’t get pregnant while breast feeding. The rule is, if you’re not preventing pregnancy you’re trying.

@JLeslie I take ibuprofin (used to, as the doctors had me stop once I they found out I’m pregnant) and I never had an issue with internal bleeding from it.

I can’t even take it in food. it’s still too big for me to take. but I’m going to go with a different option once the doctors and I figure out what will work best.

Oh, I’ve heard that one before. never thought it made sense, honestly

@Kairi: So, have you told your mother and aunt yet?

@gailcalled no, I don’t know if/when I will. probably not until after I’ve moved out so they can’t do anything other then get pissed off and not talk to me

This is really confusing. Why would they even have to know you were using birth control? I mean, you can quietly get that shot that lasts 3 months. Even if you were taking the pill, they wouldn’t be that hard to hide. You could leave them at work or someplace.

They might take it better than you think. After all, it is their grandchild…...

What does birth control have to do with the main issue, that of telling her mother and aunt she is pregnant?

Well, we aren’t making any more head way there so why not figure out how to prevent it from happening again in the future?

Because that’s not the question, or even the main issue. The issue is communication in a difficult situation, not whether or not something might happen in the future that is not about communicating with the mother and aunt.
That’s why.
General question, after all.

The OP isn’t going to tell her parents from what she has said. The original question is basically moot.

If some jellies can help her avoid some future pitfalls what’s the harm? The advice to talk to someone at her school and where to go and what to say to social services isn’t really about telling her parents either.

The OP herself vented about a bunch of relationship stuff and financial worries in her original details.

She needs some advice and direction so she doesn’t keep sabotaging herself.

Move to Social or ask a separate question is standard protocol.

(Moot?)

@Kairi: I don’t understand why you keep saying things like “my parents would freak out and assume I’m having sex and restrict my movements completely.” You’re 24 years old. You’re not in a prison. What can they actually do to you to restrict your movements? Lock you up?

Moot:

adjective

1. open to discussion or debate; debatable; doubtful: a moot point.

2. of little or no practical value or meaning; purely academic.

3. Chiefly Law. not actual; theoretical; hypothetical.

verb (used with object)

4.to present or introduce (any point, subject, project, etc.) for discussion.

5. to reduce or remove the practical significance of; make purely theoretical or academic.

6. Archaic. to argue (a case), especially in a mock court.

I just received a message that a lot of comments are off topic and that this question may be removed shortly. I’m not sure which posts they are talking about specifically, but I just thought I’d let everyone know it may vanish or switch to being a social question some time soon

@Dutchess_III they’d find out one way or another. these are the people that stalked out my work for a month o find out where I was living because I did not want them to know because they’d show up and start trouble to get us kicked out and thus force me to come home since I had nowhere else to go.

the moment they hear it, they’ll throw a fit. and as soon as I say his name, they’ll throw an even bigger fit. there’s no acceptance about it with them :/

@canidmajor right. I just got a message from a mod about that but I have no idea how to switch sections with the questions so this may just be taken down by mods.

@JLeslie that’s basically the main point here. not to mention the fact that I’m afraid just in general and don’t really have anyone on my end to turn to that I can trust to not tell my parents or ruin things for me. mostly because I’m just so used to being spied on and stalked for them to get information about me

@jca take the keys away since its not my car and in the suburbs you can’t really go anywhere without a car without walking on the highways and that’s illegal. plus drive me everywhere, decide when I can go out and when I can’t and force me to stay home, call the police on me if I go off without permission, call the police on me if I use the car at all to leave…there’s a lot they can to do me to restrict my movements. I know it sounds like silly paranoia, but this is all stuff they HAVE done before (minus calling the police) so I’m very hesitant to disobey.

@Kairi, if your question is moved, it won’t disappear. It will just be under the Social rather than the General heading. General questions require people to specifically answer the question posed. Under Social the conversation can meander more. So you’ll still have all the responses here. The Q will just physically be located under the Social rather than General tab.

@Earthbound_Misfit the message I got from the mod said they’d delete it if I didn’t want to move it. I replied and asked them to move it since I can’t do so myself. I didn’t think this would meander off topic at all when I first posted but after furhter looking through it, I can see how it has

I can’t see why they’d delete your question. That would be ridiculous. Perhaps this is just a miscommunication. Regardless, if you really don’t want the question moved (and it’s fine for it to move and it’s what I’d do in your situation), they would just go through this thread and moderate out any off-topic posts (such as this one and the posts that don’t relate to you speaking to your parents). Those off-topic posts would be deleted.

Just tell them to move it @Kairi. I would think the discussion that has veered off-topic is still of value to you so it would be good if you can refer to the ideas in those posts.

[mod says] Moved to Social with OP’s permission.

They meant if you didn’t move it to social they would delete the off topic answers. It has been moved, so you’re all set.

Just plan everything out, and one day you will disappear from the house. Call them that night or leave a note in a very obvious place so they don’t worry or call the police.

@Earthbound_Misfit @JLeslie the way they put it sounded like it was the entire thing but you’re right @JLeslie , it prob was just the ones they thought were off topic. but I didn’t want anything they thought was off topic that I felt was on topic to get deleted too, if that makes any sense?

well, everyone, things just took a turn for the worse. while I was in a store with my aunt, she noticed I looked fat. without my permission, she lifted up my shirt to look at my stomach, then asked if I was pregnant. I had to say no because we were in a public area and I was afraid. then she pulled open my top and looked down at my shirt to check out my chest and commented that it was bigger. she then forced me to call my primary doctor and ask them for an appointment to get a pregnancy test on Monday. an appointment she is going to escort me to and refuse to leave until they tell her the answer specifically. I’m really, truly scared. I emailed my counselor begging for help but I’m not sure they’ll get it in time. with the upcoming snowfall on Monday, I won’t be allowed to drive to school and have to miss my class, so the chances of me getting to anyone there for help if it does snow are very slim to none.

I don’t know what to do. I’m too scared to go to the doctor’s, let alone go home with her and be in the car alone with her as well as home alone with both of them (mom and aunt). she also wants it done ASAP. from how she said it, it sounds like she is making me do it quickly so she can force me to get an abortion. I am scared out of my mind and I do not know what to do.

Yes, this situation sucks. But this is ridiculous. You are an adult. No one can force you to have an abortion that you don’t want.

Period.

The doctor can’t tell her anything by law or he can lose his license!

Of course she can tell you are pregnant, that’s what I said above. Pregnancy usually looks pregnant; not fat. She already “knows” and hasn’t done anything horrible to you yet. How she treated you in public was horrible, but you know what I mean.

You tell the doctor you don’t give permission for your aunt to know any if your medical information. Absolutely nothing.

I’m shocked she isn’t making you pee on a stick. If you’re showing an at home pregnancy will work in seconds.

You do need to go to the doctor if you haven’t been yet. You need to take pregnancy vitamins and eventually have some tests run.

You can’t go on like this.

I think you need to either ask them what if you are pregnant, and see what they say, or make your plan to escape sooner rather than later. Even if the doctor protects you, you are going to look more and more pregnant fast.

I thought we agreed you are past abortion possibilities. I can’t remember what you said at the top about how pregnant you are. Maybe I am thinking if a different Q.

You give them power they don’t have. They can’t force you to have an abortion. Plus, they are religious, it makes no sense.

As I think about this more, are you months pregnant and have never been checked by a doctor? Please tell me that isn’t the case.

You can’t be forced to have an abortion. You can’t be forced to allow them to have access to your medical records.

Can’t you go live temporarily with your boyfriend’s family in NYC?

You are 24 years old. You are not an infant, at the mercy of these people. You are an adult. They can yell and scream but if they try to harm you, call the police.

It is way past time for you to tell them you are pregnant. There’s no point in going through the charade of a doctor’s appointment except for medical care. This question has been going on for weeks now. It’s time for you to act.

Your aunt knows you are pregnant as it’s obvious when she looks at your body. @janbb is right – it’s just a charade at this point. If I were you, I’d call a friend to be there with you when you have this discussion with your family. The friend has to be prepared to call the police if necessary or take you away (via car) if necessary too. It would help if you arrange with a friend to be able to stay at their place for a few days if necessary.

I wish I could tell you to come to the County I work for but there’s no guarantee they’ll let you stay and hook you up with financial assistance. The County I work for is about two hours south of you and we have a lot of resources.

@fluthernutter I know they can’t but they’re sure as heck gonna try

@JLeslie yeah she said that no one gains fat in just one place. which is a bit of bull itself, I think but not the point. I said to her “if I was, you’d kill me” and she said “you got that right”.

my aunt will be there in the room with me when they do the exam. I can’t get around it cuz my doctor never listens to me since I’m just a kid to all of them.

yes, I am past it but there are things they can do to force a miscarriage anyway, as far as I know.

I’ve tried making a plan but with no car, its virtually impossible. if I can get dropped off at school one day then I can go with my counselor down to DSS for emergency help, but I can’t get anyone to get me a ride. I’ve been asking around.

I have been seen by doctors, yes, and now that I have insurance, I can go more frequently. I’m hoping insurance can cover older bills I have since there’s a $400 bill going to collections that I can’t afford to pay and they want it in full. but that’s another topic.

they may be religious but sometimes that doesn’t matter entirely. people do sometimes pick and choose what parts they follow and what ones they don’t

@Kairi Do they physically hurt you?

@longgone my mom hit me once but apologized for it, and once she threw a steak at the wall because I didn’t want to eat it since it was still pink. (she says that gives it “flavor” and that I’m full of it)

@jca they’ll pretend to be me to get access to the records so I think I can try and set up a password with the doctors so that they know it’s me? (they’ve done this before, calling as me to get a result or to talk to a doc and set up an appointment for me)

he’s getting kicked out in a couple weeks so I can’t stay with them either, though its a good idea. plus I’ll lose my job if I do and I can’t take care of a child with no money.

I know I’m an adult but that does NOT matter to them. as long as I live here, and even when I don’t, they still see me as a child and treat me like one.

my friend said if they freak out I can stay with her, but I can not have her involved because the last time someone tried to help me, they forced her out of my life and refuse to let me talk to her or her anywhere near the house, and as long as I’m stuck living here, I won’t have any support at all. also, I only have one or two friends that drive but they’ll just make the situation worse.
I’m willing to call the police myself if I have the chance. maybe if they found out while I’m at the doctor’s office, I’ll be safer.

my counselor’s working to get both me and my boyfriend in touch with different resources to help us. I sent him a message about what’s going on because I couldn’t call (I was home and my parents listen in on every all I have, even if I’m on my cell phone. my mom just came in and stood there and listened to me for 10 mins talking to my classmate on the phone about a homework assignment)

It sounds to me like they are not physically abusive, so I think just tell them.

My mom would say she was going to kill me if I got pregnant in your situation to, but it would mean nothing. When I was a teen I knew if I got pregnant she would drag me straight to the abortion line (I’ve said it on Q’s before this, I am not just saying it, I am dead serious she said these things) but in the end she could not have forced me. Your parents might be way more strict and verbally abusive than mine, it does sound that way, but also New Yorkers tend to talk like that.

You’re wrong about gaining weight, pregnant looks pregnant most of the time. You’re basically trying to say they can’t be sure, because some people gain weight in their stomach and breasts and aren’t pregnant, but here’s the thing, you are! They are right.

I definitely blame your parents for being so strict that you find refuge with a guy who is not great for you and that you have so much fear about talking to them. However, I can’t figure out if you are making it all worse in your head like so many children do, even adult children.

So far, you have proven them right. You dated a guy that wasn’t great for you. You wound up pregnant. You are lying to them about something that at this point there is basically no way to lie about it.

You have the power. I say go to them, tell them your pregnant, tell them you really want the baby and hope they will be supportive, because you want your baby to know their family. Even if that is a lie, you are better asking for their help than fighting with them. Tell them you started finding out what help you can get from social services.

Do you really think they are going to try to harm you to kill the fetus? I just can’t see that happening.

Sorry, but she lifted up your shirt and looked down your shirt? She’s a freak!

Wait….they’re uber religious but you think they want you to have an abortion?

Cancel the appointment she made, and make your own with a different doctor. You gotta break away from this. It’s not healthy.

If it were my daughter or niece I wouldn’t be lifting her clothes, but I most certainly would tell her point blank she looks pregnant and is going to the doctor. No, I would go to the drug store next stop and make her pee on the stick.

She’s 24 years old @JLeslie. At that age she’s an adult so while parents might strongly suggest she takes a pregnancy test, parents can’t make her do anything.

I say again, these people seem emotionally abusive to me and the OP should get away from them.

@Kairi: The more I read the things you write, the more it baffles me. You are 24 years old. You write “my aunt will be there in the room with me when they do the exam. I can’t get around it cuz my doctor never listens to me since I’m just a kid to all of them.” WTF? Your aunt has no legal right to be in the room if you don’t want her there, and the doctor needs to listen to you or you can sue the shit out of him. You are acting like an infant and letting them treat you like an infant. I really don’t get it. In the work I did with Child Protective Services, I never saw a case like what you talk about – a 24 year old woman who is infantilized by her family and allows it to occur.

^ Totally agree @jca.

I know she’s an adult, but she still is acting submissive to her parents. I’m just saying that’s what I would do if my kid was under 18. If I could get away with it when she was over 18 I would. It sounds like the OP’s mother can get away with it, because it doesn’t sound like the OP is going to stand up for herself.

All she has to do is tell the doctor I want to be alone and the mother/aunt is out of the room. I do understand the OP feels powerless, she has been abused to some extent, and she is dependent for now, until she finds another option.

I still wonder how bad the parents really are. Sorry to question it, but children often worry about their parents being angry when it is rather unwarranted. I don’t know what to think.

I don’t know what to think either. She almost talks like she’s 16 instead of 24. So much of this is contradictory.

@Kairi I think you need a therapist’s help. You need someone to teach you how you how to establish boundaries. Everyone needs to learn this, and your parents obviously messed up there. They managed to make you feel powerless, and that’s wrong. You have just as much power as your aunt or mom have – you just need to get out of their home.

@Kairi: @longgone makes an excellent point. You seem to feel powerless and helpless. At the very least, even without assuming what you feel, you act powerless and helpless. You are legally an adult and old enough to take charge of your situation. You are pregnant and the baby is going to be totally your responsibility. I think @JLeslie is correct – if you are showing, you are beyond the point where an abortion would be done, typically. Don’t be led by the hand to the doctor and allow your aunt in the room. There are laws that are in your favor and you need to stand up for yourself.

I wouldn’t go to the doctor with my aunt if I were you. What is the point? You know you’re pregnant. Why be in the middle of drama and upsetness in front of other people? Stress is not good for the baby and it’s not good for you, either. .

I’d rather be at the doctor when they find out. That is how petrified of my parents I am. It’s safer at the doctor then with just us or a friend with us. My friends can get hurt just as easily as I can.

@jleslie About gaining weight, I meant in general. Because long before I got pregnant, when I gained weight, it was ONLY in my stomach area. I used to be over weight as a kid so that’s probably why but I’m not sure.

I’m not trying to make it worse but my anxiety and depression don’t help it and sometimes I just can’t fight those thoughts. Because I’m pregnant I can’t go on medication for it, that I know of.

The moment I say I’m pregnant, they’ll start yelling and screaming and I won’t be able to get another word in edge wise. That’s how it always is when they or they and I fight. One person yells and everyone else has to shut up and deal with it cuz we’re automatically wrong with anything we say.

Yes I really think they are going to try to do that. Or my cousin will when he finds out. He threatened to “smack” my mom around when she annoyed him the other day.

I don’t think she thought about a regular one. Probably doesn’t believe they work or that I’d try to cheat it or something.

Even if I tell them, she’ll stand right outside the door listening in and eavesdropping.

Certain friends of mine and my boyfriend all think they’ll react negatively. One started giving me links of how to get an order or protection.

@dutchess_iii

Yes she did that in the store. Whenever they yell at me, it’s always in front of someone. It’s humiliating.

Why else would she want it “asap” if not to make sure it’s not to late to get an abortion?

The doc wasn’t open so no appointment was made. She’s having me call Monday while she’s there so she can make sure I make it and am not lying about it. Her words, not mine.

“I’d rather be at the doctor when they find out. ” BUT THEY ALREADY KNOW!

Aren’t most religious people anti-abortion?

Why would she make you go to the doctor and not just buy a pregnancy test?

I actually agree it might be better to have the doctor there when she officially finds out, but eventually you will need to go home.

The best way to not have to go home with them if you are truly afraid is to disappear without telling them you are going to. Go to a friends house. You can call them, tell them your ok, and just leave it at that for a few weeks while you get yourself together.

They do know already. They think you don’t know probably.

@jca it’s not that I want it to happen or allow it to. Try living in my personal hell day after day since I was a kid. It’s not possible. They were like this even before my boyfriend came into the picture. And if I don’t date who they want, they make me choose between them and who I’m with. And I have no choice but to choose them because I have nowhere to go.

I do feel powerless and helpless but I can’t get help simply for the fact that I can’t afford it, insurance refused to cover it, and no one ever believes me, even professionals. Like the doctor, for example. The only people that actually listen to anything I have to say are the people at school but once I go home, I’m completely on my own with no support. My friends that said they were going to help me have all dropped out of the picture because they’re tired of dealing with me. In the end, everyone betrays me. My ex best friend and her boyfriend, my family, my friends…I’m always alone in the end…
the only friend that has stuck be me is one who went through the same thing when she was pregnant (she has anxiety and depression too but is now back on her meds and doing much better) but she’s in a different state

every time I rely on the law, I get shut down. The cops even told me to go away and they couldn’t help and that it was all in my head when someone called and threatened to slice my throat open.

I’ve tried standing up for myself but I always get shot down and I just give up completely. Nothing I try to do ever goes right or works out and I always get let down or betrayed or I just fail.

If that whole fiasco with that old apartment taught me anything, it’s that I am not capable of taking care of myself and am bound to fail no matter what I do.

@dutchess_iii they have suspicions but don’t know for sure.

Most are but like I said before, people can pick and choose which parts they follow and which ones they don’t

@jleslie so they know I won’t be able to fake the test probably.

If I can find anyone to help me I would, but I’ll probably just end up going to the nearby homeless shelter

@longgone I don’t have anywhere to go so I’m stuck. I have no money and I can’t get state help other then insurance because I need a job to get the housing but I’ll be on maternity leave soon and since I live in Saratoga county, I can’t get housing anywhere else, so I’ll lose my job anyway.

My parents have no boundaries themselves. Coming in and out of my room without asking and calling me a brat if I ask them not to or to shut the door cuz my mom’s room is freezing, not covering up with towels after a shower…stuff like that

It sounds to me like they don’t trust your judgment, so they will take you to the doctor, because pregnant women should go to the doctor. They might want you to get an abortion, I’m not doubting you on that, but if you’re not getting one, you need to go to the doctor, and as far as they know you haven’t been to one.

Are you taking prenatal vitamins?

Are you just going to act like you didn’t know you were pregnant and act just as shocked as them? Or, tell them you were afraid to tell them once you all are in front of the doctor? They are either pissed you lied, or pissed you couldn’t figure out your preggers. I guess you can say you have had some bleeding if you want to lie. Honestly, I don’t know how any woman can’t know she’s pregnant, especially by the second month, but some women seem not to know.

Did you try Catholic charities? I would go to them in a heartbeat and I’m Jewish and an atheist.

@jleslie it could be but from the tone of her voice, it was a more negative reaction. Besides they tend to be more focused on what they want and what’s best for them or what they would do then what’s best for me and what I want to do. Like my mom trying to make me take her for a haircut before school when the hairdresser doesn’t open until after school starts so I can’t.

I have them and take them yes.

Idk what I’m going to do. Even if I say I didn’t know, they’d refuse to believe me just cuz everything out of my mouth is a lie to them even if it isn’t. Like when I found out my friend and I were cousins and my mom flipped out and said he’s a liar and using me for a joke just cuz she didn’t recognize his last name (even tho he’s adopted so…)

I had no-little weight gain, never threw up, never had any other typical symptoms other then no period and trouble eating but the doc was convinced it was just constipation and stress.

I’ve looked I to them but the most they’ll do is throw me in the homeless shelter downtown, which is not a safe area. I know someone living there now.

The doc was convinced it was constipation? What idiot doctor is that? Most doctors ask girls/women 3 times in a single visit if they could be pregnant. You can’t tell me your breasts didn’t grow, even if your stomach barely did. Plus, you said you missed a period. That’s a pretty big symptom.

All I know is your aunt could tell you are pregnant.

If you tell a few lies the trust goes out the window and they won’t believe anything. You’re in a tough spot, because very strict parents create an environment where kids are more likely to lie, understandably, and then the parents get even more crazy strict. It’s a vicious cycle.

@jleslie

Yeah cuz they didn’t think I was pregnant and all other tests they did were negative. I had a stomach issue where all solid food caused me severe pain so I could only eat jello, I’ve cream, and apple sauce. So I guess I can see where she got that from. They have gotten bigger now but the change from the start was subtle so it wasn’t noticeable. The weight gain and no period was probably all I had that was obvious, considering me mom asks me twice a day if I got it yet. Even before I got pregnant when I’ve skipped them before.

And then they blame the kids for lying and say they’re completely innocent and never did anything wrong.

I really have no more ideas on what should be done here.

I cannot imagine a doctor not thinking a 20 something might be pregnant. That’s just ridiculous. He didn’t ask if you could be pregnant? He didn’t ask you?

Let us know what happens Monday when you go to the doctor.

@jleslie she. And I said no because I didn’t think there was a chance. She prob should have done a test anyway but didn’t. Ironically, she’s the only doctor there to actually listen to me and what I had to say.

It prob won’t be Monday because we are stuck in the middle of nonstop snow and are being told to keep off the roads, but I’ll let you guys know what happened whenever it does. Probably Wednesday because it’s my only other short day where I have time for an appointment

That makes more sense now. I thought you were saying she didn’t even suspect or ask about pregnancy.

I’m not sure why you thought it was impossible. I thought you weren’t using birth control, and you said you missed a period. I don’t get it.

@Kairi: Good luck. Stay strong. Stand up for yourself and your baby. Remember when you’re going through this that a bunch of strangers on Fluther are all rooting for you. :)

@jleslie sorry I wasn’t clear.

Doctors told my bf he can’t have kids so that’s why but guess we learned doctors can be morons sometimes. Which gives my one friend hope since she was told she can’t have kids either

@jca thank you, I’ll do my best. Someone decided to involve my male childhood best friend so I have his support now, which helps since my parents love him to death…

I’ll remember that indeed? :)

Idk why that was a question but ok…oops lol

@Kairi I’m very glad you have found someone to help you now.

@janbb thank you. he’s at leas calm and reassuring and doesn’t get fed up with me after two seconds of talking to me like my other friends do, so that’s helpful.

on a general update, they made me an appointment but it won’t be until February 23rd because that’s the first day my doctor had an opening this month that was after my aunt got out of work since she HAS to go for whatever reason though I’m kicking her out of the room when they do their exam and whatnot.

I have a meeting tomorrow with Planned Parenthood to work out a plan in case I do get kicked out and need somewhere to go, as well as to set up some more doctor appointments, possibly parenting classes, and other things that I need, including a counselor. they said that they see cases like mine all the time and have a plan that is proven to help, so that it helpful. my counselor tried to get me in touch with someone form the Planned Parenthood closer to my school for housing help, but she isn’t returning my calls or picking up the phone for either of us, so this is done through the one in my county. I had meetings today to talk with the librarian and another teacher at my school that I know very well just to chat and I’m going to see her tomorrow too, as well as an appointment with the school counselor next week.

also, my aunt went through the list of every one of my male friends to try and figure out who the father was, and included my boyfriend’s name. I just told her no to the ones she did mention and told her that I’m not telling her who because, honestly, it isn’t totally their business. yes it’s good for them to know, but I don’t have any legal obligation to do so.

my aunt said if I am, we’ll figure out what to do do but warned me that I would be “ruining my life” if I had a child because I couldn’t do school anymore (though everything after this semester is online anyway so I can do it from home). my mother, however, said that if I am, we’ll have to start filing paperwork now to adopt “it” out. her words, not mine.

I’ve been talking with my guy friend about things since he’s known my parents since we were kids and it’s helped me calm down.

I also got approved to do work study at school in both the library and academics department (it was funny to see the dean and librarian arguing over who got to have me work with them). I’m approved for 20 hours a week at 8.75 an hour, which will help me a LOT. also did my taxes today and am getting a refund this year and do not owe the government any money like I did last year, so that is all going into my savings though some of it is going to be used for baby stuff. my aunt is paying my student loans for me now because my income is so low and I am helping her when I can, so I don’t have to worry about that extra expense.

my boyfriend himself is working out a plan of action that he needs to follow as well so that he can be there for us (the baby and me). he’s coming up for valentine’s day and we’re going to spend Friday night together since I work most of Saturday and can’t do much beyond an early lunch. He has made it very clear that he loves and misses both our son and I and can’t wait to see either of us again, as well as made it clear that despite what anyone would assume from him, he IS actually excited and can’t wait.

hopefully we will be able to get a place together and live together some time soon so that we can raise our child without worrying about the lack of space in my parents’ place (its a single-wide trailer with two bedrooms built on the back end of it, so you can imagine how small it is) or anything else that would come with me still living at home and him being stuck in the city or wherever else he would end up. he has been doing some small jobs in the city (like helping friends move, picking up things in the stores for people, etc) and is saving up the money he gets from doing that, so he is also starting some kind of savings fund.

things are starting to look up quite a bit but I am still terrified of what is going to happen when my parents find out everything. as you can tell, my aunt is willing to work it out but my mother wants it her way or no way and fighting with her is pointless because of how she is (she has a “touch” of dementia as they put it among other things that come from being 73).

thank you all for your help, best wishes, and support. I’ll update tomorrow if anything new comes up!

Kairi

@Kairi so glad you are getting help from PP, the teachers and a librarian. Things are looking up! Good work!

@janbb thanks! they’re mostly the same people I’ve been talking with about this from the start. almost everyone in academics where I’ll be working seems to know (the receptionist who went to school with me there before, the dean’s who I talked to before that recommended the counselor, the counselor, etc). and of course my cousin is on campus and in two of my classes so I can talk to him but he has his own issues so we only talk minor things (he’s a foster parent and having issues with one of the children) but its better then nothing

Give your mother time. It sounds as though you’ve been catastrophizing to at least some degree. Your mother may not change her mind but so far, the sky has not fallen in and your family now know about your pregnancy. Plus, you have some excellent support from academics and support staff and a friend to help you through this.

It sounds as though things are much better than you had originally expected. From what you’ve said, nobody has thrown you out on the street. Time is a great healer but you do need to start standing up for yourself. You give your family too much power. Only you can change that. If you’re going to be responsible for this child, you need to act like an adult and take ownership of your own decisions and to let your family know that’s what you’ll be doing.

@Earthbound_Misfit they sort of know but I haven’t outright said it yet. my mother IS putting up a fight now, though, and tried to worm her way into coming to the appointment too but she can’t drive so she’s not going to show up, thankfully. if I hadn’t made the decision to go back to school a few months ago, I wouldn’t have that support system at all (my mother also thought going back to school was a stupid idea because she doesn’t understand how the degree will help me but that’s another story).

nobody has, no, but I’m waiting for my mom to tell me either the baby or them, like how she told me either my boyfriend or them when he was at our house last. my aunt is more negotiable, I guess you’d say, then my mother is? but she still thinks it would be a mistake. I didn’t bother to point out that the majority of my graduating class has a kid or more then one, and my nephew has a baby and they’re all doing just fine, but I don’t see how I’d be “ruining my life” if I can still do the things I need to do (school and work) and just go about them in a different way. honestly I hate online classes but it’s the way the program is anyway so it’s either that or night school and I’d rather do it online anyway.

as far as my family goes, I have written a long detailed letter about what I plan to do and how I plan to do it. it’s a lot easier for me to express myself through writing then verbally, but I don’t have to have them read it because I can just read it out loud myself. just easier way for me to get things done.

are either of them happy with me? not really. are they disgusted that I’m not a virgin? not that they’re willing to say aloud but you can tell. but in time I guess they’ll just have to accept it.

I’m glad so much is falling into place! Sounds like you have a good plan.

For me, if my mom said, “you’re ruining your life,” I wouldn’t take it as she won’t love the baby, or any such thing. I would just take it as that is how my mother talks, everything is a catastrophe. But, that’s my mom.

She would be worried about how difficult it is to take care of an infant, finish school, and work to support myself. It’s a fact that babies born into poverty tend to grow up and then live in poverty themselves, and babies born out if wedlock tend to have more struggles. Not that I think you should get married, that is not what that statistic means. So, you have difficulties ahead most likely, but many people have overcome such challenges and you can too.

Also, tons of loving, wonderful parents want their pregnant teenagers to give up their babies to adoptive parents. I’m not saying your mom isn’t a pain in the neck, I believe you she can be awful, but you might be making it more awful than it is.

Sounds like they made you an appointment with your doctor because you’re pregnant, not to find out you’re pregnant.

Your boyfriend or them, and your baby or them, are two totally different things. They were worried he would get you pregnant, or not be good for you in the long run. The baby will be a different story.

What made the doctors think your BF couldn’t have children?

@Dutchess_III I honestly have no idea, but clearly they were incorrect

A lot of men confuse difficulty with having children with not being able to have children.

Also, a lot of men lie.

How would a young man know he is infertile?

@JLeslie somewhat a good plan. I’ll know more after my appointment today.

my aunt just likes to try to scare me into doing what she wants. they both do.

if we ever do get married, it won’t be for a long time down the road. I have other things I need to be saving my money for then to file paperwork at the courthouse, you know? I get where she’s coming from, but as far as school goes, I can talk to my adviser to figure a way to make it work while putting as little strain on myself and the baby as possible.

she can be a royal pain, yes, and some of the things she says you just have to let roll off your back, but telling me that I HAVE to give up my child for adoption? that’s stepping out of line, even for her. yes, I’m adopted and whatnot but that doesn’t mean I’d want that for my child.

as far as they’re concerned, the baby won’t be good for me in the long run either, but I get what you mean. and I don’t really want to hear from them that I’m “too young”. there are plenty of people my age doing just fine raising kids, and even people younger having them even if it IS a struggle.

as far as the doctors go, they flat out said no children but clearly they were wrong. a lot of people are surprised. possible he’s a liar, yes, so I’d have to talk to the doctor myself. maybe we were just more compatible then what they thought or something, I’m not sure. I don’t really know the science behind this stuff. ^^”

It’s just very odd, because most young unmarried men haven’t ejaculated into a cup to have it analyzed, ya know? Unless they have a specific genetic disease or have gone through medical treatment that can cause fertility problems. Most young men haven’t had anything below the waist ever evaluated for anything.

@JLeslie Yeah, it rather sounds like the sort of thing a young man would say to get out of having to use condoms.

Exactly.

Exactly @JLeslie and @dappled_leaves.

And, of course she is trying to scare you, she is trying to protect you and is worried you are not scared enough. But, young people don’t scare easy, so her methods aren’t working.

I wish she had told you the only person you can trust not to get pregnant is yourself, but she went with the abstinence line. Also, not a great choice.

The positive is this baby seems to be motivating you to get some more independence.

@Dutchess_III @JLeslie @dappled_leaves his ex made him get the testing done so I don’t know for certain what happened as this was a while ago. things could have changed since then or something. but that’s likely as well

@JLeslie on the contrary, my parents terrify me quite easily so she can try if she wants but my mind is made up.

yeah they went more of the “its a sin don’t do it” angle and well, that does as much as telling me to talk to god when I come to THEM about a problem because I want THEIR advice, you know what I mean?

yes he really is

General Update!

I met with Planned Parenthood and they found me doctors that also do parenting classes so that’s a plus. I also got information for various resources for WIC, housing, emergency shelter, to try and get my boyfriend up here, as well as some extra dietary stuff with a week by week update of what the baby (generally speaking) is doing in there. my friend went with me since we had other things to do today too, so that was nice. I have a contact in a different Planned Parenthood building to contact tomorrow or as soon as I can, so I’ll get to work on that shortly too

I sense a Fluther Baby Shower coming in the future…... :)

I am so glad to hear of you making plans to GET OUT. Really. If you’re living with them when you have the baby, I guarantee they will take over the baby, and make you feel like a shitty parent.

Yes – it all sounds great. And I agree that living apart from them as soon as possible will help you and may rebalance the relationship in the future. You are becoming a stronger, more capable person.

Keep in touch with your Moms here!

Re: update
Yay!

sorry I haven’t been on lately, everyone! been swamped between school, work, valentine’s day, and personal business. not much to update with, anyway ^^”

@jca funny you mention that XD one of my friends got a hold of a church group she knows to see if they’ll host the shower for me since there’s NO room at my parents house for that. plus my dogs will bark every two seconds if people are around

@janbb I feel like getting out and proving myself capable of taking care of not only myself but he baby will help them see me as more of an adult. but until then, it’s going to be stress city of them trying to force their choices on me and failing

@Dutchess_III or do/say things to get him taken from us at the very least. besides, the father can’t be here at all with them around because of their little threat to get a restraining order if he ever comes around and he really does want to be involved. though he wasn’t sure about being there for the baby being born because he didn’t want to see anything and I told him to get over it and just stay away from down there, if you get what I mean. I also told him I have to break his hand so he better be there XD

one quick little update. my friend and her fiance are looking for a place now because its trouble at their home as well,and we were discussing the four (five of us as of June) living together. only issue is she has a cat and I have a dog but we can manage it. her boyfriend also works near where I do and wants to live in the same area, so it works quite well.

Where do you work? I mean, what do you do?

I’m the weekend security guard for a news station but I’m also a librarian at school and work on the desk in the administration office of school as well. that starts this week on my breaks between classes and on Mon/Wed. it will end once the semester does, so I don’t have to worry about maternity leave or being terminated or anything. it helps because it pays me weekly where my other job is biweekly and that’s a huge pain.

I recently learned that librarians make a helluva lot of money! Is that my any chance your major?

@Dutchess_III They don’t.

And @Kairi Working in a library doesn’t make you a librarian. You need a professional degree for that. You’re a library clerk or student helper which is great.

It’s right up there with teachers. My point is, if she likes the work, she can get a degree and make a living with it.

http://www.publiclibraries.com/blog/average-librarian-salary/

http://www.payscale.com/research/US/All_K-12_Teachers/Salary

@Dutchess_III well its only work study so I don’t make that much an hour. but no, my original major for associates is criminal justice. for bachelor’s I’m business with a minor in criminal justice. the head librarian is the one that has been helping me. she knew I needed hours cuz I’m broke most of the time

@janbb *librarian’s assistant was what I meant, thanks for the correction ^^”

You sound much more confident already. Good for you, keep it up! :)

@longgone yeah that confidence just ran out the window bur thank you, I will try

My aunt asked me if a jacket in the closet was mine and I said yes. She didn’t get why because it’s an XL and I’m not in XL anymore. I reminded her that I used to be over weight years ago. Her response was “you better not be pregnant when we go to the doctor on Monday”. It set me right off and I’m currently having a major panic attack but I can’t go anywhere because I have to take my mom to her appointment, and I can’t call anyone because she’ll just listen in on my call. I want to cancel the appointment Monday since my insurance won’t kick in until March and I can’t afford to go out of pocket, but if I cancel, they’ll flip out on me for doing so. I feel stuck again. If I don’t go, they’ll flip out on me. If I do go, they’ll get the result and flip out. I’m afraid they won’t love me anymore. I feel so alone and frightened and I don’t know what to do. I’m trying deep breathing stuff for now to calm down but it’s not really working all that well.

@Kairi You have no idea how badly I want to go to your house.

I hope that didn’t sound creepy.

You really need to learn how to emotionally detach. You’re an adult. You’re a mother. Tell yourself… “I am an adult. I am a mother. I am safe. I can provide. This will all work out.” and repeat it a million times until you can stand up straight and look yourself in the mirror and be OK.

You don’t have to have a confrontation with them… but you could if you wanted.

You need to realize that you are in control of your life.

Because you are in control of your life.

Why do you have to pay for an appointment she is making you have? You already know you’re pregnant. You’re already hooked into Planned Parenthood. This whole charade is so silly.

Seriously. I’ve been sitting on my hands for your whole question. I really want to drive to your house and have a sit down with you, your mom and your aunt.

I had a kid at 16… am now in my 30s with a husband, a teenager and two little kids. I have a Master’s degree. I have worked for the same company for almost 15 years. I own a house. I have my shit together. Finally. You can too. Feel free to PM me.

Take control of yourself. You’re a mom now.

The whole thing with the doctor giving them the test results is also bad news, @Kairi. That’s also relevant. You don’t have to bring anybody with you and you are not authorizing the results to go to anybody else.

Let them flip out. Let them act as if they don’t love you anymore. Their definition of love is that of bullying, bossing and intimidating. With friends like that…

Stop giving them so much control. Unless you change your behavior, why should they?

@cupcake not creepy at all lol
I don’t feel safe. At all. It’s going to be a confrontation no matter what I do or how I go about it. I have most things together as far as work and school goes. It’s just my personal and family lives that are completely screwed up. I feel like there’s no way to break he cycle because no matter what I do, I’ll lose everyone I care about

@jca I’m not given a choice. They have to go cuz they don’t trust me to tell them. They have to be in the room cuz they don’t trust me to tell them

@gailcalled idk how to stop them from having control. I don’t want them to abandon me like my birth mother did…

I would stop this charade of the doctor’s visit and just tell them you’re pregnant but I haven’t walked a mile in your shoes.

@Cupcake is probably a great person to PM with.

@janbb it’s safer if the doc is there. They can’t hurt me in front of her

Didn’t you have another place to live? You have to get out. And if they ever put their hands on you, press assault charges easier said than done, I know.

I just thought of something…..go talk to a battered women’s association. They can get your out.

@dutchess_iii I did but had to leave cuz I’m poor and I can’t afford another place.

I don’t think they’d consider me battered

Then what did you mean by ”They can’t hurt me in front of her”?

@Kairi You’ve hit the nail on the head with your fear of abandonment.

You really have to sort this out. Either they are abusive and you (and baby) need to be elsewhere, or your interpretations and fears are not grounded.

We have no way of knowing.

And why shouldn’t your aunt or mother pay for this doctor’s visit if they are insisting on it? What is the support you get from them or what is the fear that makes it so hard to break away?

@dappled_leaves I’m afraid they might hurt me but because they never have before, I don’t think I’m technically considered battered

@Cupcake well my birth parents abandoned me, my best friend abandoned me, my cousin betrayed me…how can I trust my parents or any of my other so called friends to not do the same?

its probably a mix of both, honestly, but my friend reacting by making me feel worse is not helping me

You need to abandon them!

@janbb I have insurance but like I said, ti won’t kick in until the first. they won’t pay either. my parents, I mean.

if I break away, I’ll be alone and have no support and no friends and no family. I’ll lose my job because I have no one to help me watch the baby and the government probably won’t help me at all since they tend to take a VERY long time to make a decision in cases like this. my boyfriend won’t be able to come here because its too expensive, and I’ll probably just end up in a homeless shelter but I’m afraid if I do my baby and I will get hurt because the shelters around here are NOT all that safe . I’m just afraid my entire life will fall apart and I’ll have no choice but to give up custody of my son and once that happens, I’ll honestly probably end up dying in the end from the stress and regret and shame I’d feel for not being able to take care of my child.

he should be my number one priority but as of right now I have so much more to worry about that it will slowly kill us both. there’s only so much support my connections at school can give me, and all that will be gone once the semester is over and I’m no longer a student.

@Dutchess_III if I do that, I have nowhere to go

You will qualify for assisted housing and food stamps and child care, perhaps even cash assistance.

When you say they’ll hurt you, what do you mean? Have they hurt you before? What do you think they’ll do?

I just want to clarify that if you have been threatened or intimidated, you should qualify for residence in a domestic violence shelter.

Tell your parents you are pregnant. I understand you have a fear if abandonment, understandable, but here’s the thing: you are pregnant. If they are going to kick you out and cut you off for being pregnant then the deal is done already. I don’t think they will, but I really can’t know.

If you go to the doctor as your parents are dictating, then when you get there tell the receptionist you do not agree to pay for the visit. Insist it is in writing that you do not agree and get a copy. They need to get your mom to sign on the dotted line for the cost or you don’t meet with the doctor. Honestly, it makes no sense to go to another doctor.

@Kairi: Would you be willing to go to another county if you could enter a domestic violence shelter there?

@JLeslie And she should make her wishes about the results clear at the same time.

I want to add that avoidance is one of the biggest causes of anxiety. Dealing with things head on will lower your anxiety in the long run. As it is now you are living with anticipatory anxiety, the worst kind, the fear of what might happen. You keep worrying about how your parents will react, and you feel sure it will be the worst. What if it is? You have all these people at work and at school who want to help you. You have jellies here who hope only the best for you. You aren’t alone.

Plus, you are able to handle this yourself. You are creating your family. You are going to have a new baby, someone to love and nurture and start a new chapter in your life. Also, ou can always work on building strong friendships. If your boyfriend winds up being a great SO and dad, then great. If not, there will be someone else eventually if that’s what you want.

Yes I agree wholeheartedly with @JLeslie. I have learned fairly late in life that the best way to cope with anxiety is to deal with the situation that is making you anxious.

General update. My friends that were going to move in with us have decided they can’t afford it so there goes that option

@dutchess_iii that’s if I can get anyone to help me without making me go on a waiting list for who knows how long

@jca idk what they’ll do but they’ll prob try to kill the baby or force me to miscarry.
Intimidated yes but like everyone else in my personal life, they may just tell me it’s unfounded and all in my head. If the police can do it when I say ik just who it is that threatened to kill me, then how can I trust other agencies won’t do the same?

As for going to another county, I don’t have a way to do so. No personal car and I can’t afford a bus trip.

@jleslie no one at work wants to get involved. I’m just there to do my job and get out. They don’t care about anything else.

I can’t tell my parents myself. Just being near them makes me want to panic and get the heck out of there. I can’t have a conversation with either of them without them assuming things and cutting me off before I finish.

But I feel alone. I feel like everyone just wants me to go away and leave them alone. I’m afraid to even talk to my closest friends anymore

If I do, they’ll just go through insurance anyway.

As far as my bf goes, I’m just going to break it off. We have everything in the world against us so there’s no point in stressing by trying to stay together when it would save us both a lot of trouble to just go our separate ways. But no, I don’t really want anyone other then him. If he leaves, I have no issue being alone. I’m better off that way anyway if I have the baby cuz it’s too much stress to do what I need to do AND have a guy on the side to worry about.

@jleslie @janbb dealing with the situation will only make me more anxious because I’ll be looking over my shoulder the whole time being afraid of retaliation

@JLeslie sorry if those last posts dint tag you. Didn’t realize I had to capitalize both letters on mobile

*didnt

@Kairi You are in denial. This baby is coming. Whether you tell anyone tomorrow or next week or next month, you cannot keep them from knowing. Do you want to deal with this while you can still stand on your own two feet and walk out the door? Or do you want to wait longer and have to deal with it while you have a hard time getting around?

It is too late now to choose an “I won’t tell them” option. You threw away that option when you decided to keep your baby. You need to tell them. Do it.

@dappled_leaves I CANT tell them. No way, no how. I’ll end up dying if they find out…

@Kairi It’s not that you can’t tell them. It’s that you don’t want to.

What is the alternative for you? What happens if you don’t tell them? Do you actually believe they will not recognize you are pregnant when you reach 8 or 9 months? Do you think that they will not notice when there is a baby in their house?

@dappled_leaves not that i wont, but i cant. I physically can not force myself to say it. I can not even talk to them about the weather without panicking, let alone this.

I’ll find somewhere else to go long before that happens

@Kairi: I can talk to some people about you entering a DV shelter, but you would have to be willing to leave your home, your job and your school in order to do so. I would pick you up but it’s a 5 hour round trip from where I live to where you live (I just googled it). If you are willing to leave your home, your job and your school to relocate, please let me know and I’ll see if I can make arrangements.

@Kari I thought you said your job was giving you more hours to help?

If the doctor gets money from your insurance so what. I’m saying you are going to write down that you are not responsible for paying anything out of your pocket. No copay, no deductible money, nothing. You could just go to the doctor’s office today and take care of it without your parents there. You need to sign a document also saying you don’t release your records to anyone nor give permission to share your medical information with anyone and get a copy for yourself. If the receptionist says not to worry, you insist you want it put in writing. They likely have a document where you fill in who you are willing to release your medical records too, and you can write on that document “I do not give permission to anyone” and draw a line across any extra spaces so a name can’t be written in after the fact. If the receptionist gives you are hard time you tell her you aren’t leaving until you get what you want. If she still gives you a hard time you insist on speaking with the office manager or doctor. If that front person still gives you a hard time you tell her she will have to call the police if she wants to remove you.

If eventually you need to tell them you could see if there is a counselor at school and tell your parents with her present. Maybe tell your parents you need them to come to school for an appointment about your schoolwork or some lie. Maybe tell them you want your relationship to be better with them and you think an appointment with the counselor might help. The counselor will tell them how harmful their scary talk is to you. If they don’t mean it, the counselor can explain that you are not like them, and that you are frightened all the time. If they are serious, she can help you get out of there.

If you really think they will harm you then you need a plan to disappear. I think that’s where you are at. Obviously, you are terrified of them. @jca gave you an incredible offer if nothing works out in your county. It sounds to me, unless I’m missing something, that you can try a women’s shelter in your county still if you prefer. You are battered by your parents and have nowhere to go. Also, maybe Catholic charities has a place, I don’t think you tried that yet, but I might have missed it in the details. Back in the day the Catholics used to house pregnant girls as a regular thing. Maybe they still have some of those dormitories.

@Kairi My little sister is adopted and has reactive attachment disorder. My son’s father is a rapist. My father moved out when I was in kindergarten. I get abandonment.

Unhealthy (but normal) response to abandonment: insecure attachment, fear, external locus of control

Healthy: Confidence, independence, resiliance

It’s time to stop making excuses. I get that you feel trapped. But you have to make a plan and follow it through.

Your baby will not be aborted or put up for adoption unless that is what you want. Stop giving away your power. You are a mother now.

I had a brother who died when I was four and I was sexually abused for many years. I get it too. The time to grow up and take charge is now.

This is insane.

@Dutchess_III It is. Her specific question is “How can I tell them?” and she refuses to hear anything that involves actually telling them. Meanwhile, the shape of her own body has already told them, and will continue to tell them more and more loudly. The entire situation is absurd.

I think someone is playing head games here. That this whole absurd situation is entirely fantasy.

idk what they’ll do but they’ll prob try to kill the baby or force me to miscarry.

This is where I bow out.

@Kairi: To say that they may kill the baby or force you to miscarry is a bit drastic, don’t you think?

Somebody’s fucking with us @jca. I’m out too.

I was going to give an update but I think its best I just delete this question entirely within the next few days and say forget it. thank you all for your time but telling someone that has high anxiety issues and depression that they are “playing with you” and “playing head games” and stuff of the like isn’t helping the situation at all. I’ve been having real panic attacks since I found out and been very afraid of my own parents who won’t even so much as LOOK at me anymore. Honestly, I feel like talking on here has just made the entire situation worse. I appreciate everyone’s assistance and attempts to help. as of now, I am terminating this question within a few days and probably my entire account as well. I feel bullied and rather mistreated from all the harsh words. until you have walked a day in my shoes and lived the life that I have lived, you have no right to judge or criticize me or tell me that it’s all in my head or that I’m insane or making it up or whatnot. Everything I have said is my own personal feelings and to be attacked for doing such is slightly offensive. I’m not trying to preach and I know that I have brought this on myself by asking this question at all, but in my time of need, I turned to the community for help. and instead what I got was feeling worse about everything and being bullied. now that I know what I am going to do and what I have to do, I will no longer be needing any help.

thank you for all your time and attempts and I am sorry to say have to say thank you and goodbye for the last time.

@Kairi: Not everyone was mean to you and not everyone said bullying things. Please stay. You got a lot of support up there. Hell, if you weren’t 5 hours away round trip I’d have gone and picked you up myself.

Agree with @jca.

By the way the train or bus can take you to @jca‘s county. She is just a little over an hour below Poughkeepsie.