How can I stop comparing myself with others?

There is an old saying about this: don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.

Easy to say, but how to do it? One way is to take the time to truly know another person. Have you ever had a good intense conversation with your cousin? Find out what really distresses her? Once you find out what her inner demons are, you will understand that she is no better off than you are. And if everything seems to be perfect for her, you may find her very shallow.

And it might come down to you learning that while she may be pretty, she is not a pretty person. She might be callous or uncaring. But you won’t know unless you take the time to really get to know her. And get to know yourself and your own strengths.

Ok – you are not as beautiful as your cousin. And one guy was an ass. What else do you bring to the table? What are your positive attributes? What do you have that others don’t?

I am single and I have a close friend who is too. I wouldn’t call her beautiful but she is a guy magnet and can flirt and laugh and be open. I am ok looking but not beautiful and more of a judger and an introvert so I don’t have guys coming up to me in bars in droves. Does it bother me? Not overly because I wouldn’t want most of the guys in bars. I’ll attract a partner based on my wits and intelligence and humor. And looking o.k. enough….

You can drive yourself crazy comparing to someone else and I can understand how it hurts to be compared all the time to her. Try to get yourself into other circles, to clubs or a school where no-one knows her and discover who you are and how you can be your own best – and attractive self. It may sound glib, but I don’t mean it be. I go out with my friend and just watch in amusement as the bees flock around her.

But if you can’t get better on her own, do get some short term counseling to help you out. Low self-esteem is not fun to live with; I did it for many years.

You are unique, you are special, you are you.
You are your constant companion, learn to embrace these facts & everything will fall into place :)

Thank you all for taking the time to answer 

@Zenvelo Yes but sometime she is very quiet so even though I feel like I know her 85 percent, it stills feel like nothing at times. I really don’t think she’s shallow, but don’t show much interest at times and that can be hard to deal with.

@janbb I bring a lot to the table, I’m funny and very intelligent but in this society nobody cares all they want is a trophy girl, the prettiest, the most beautiful even if they themselves aren’t looking their “best”.

The thing is that we are always together, I always sleep at her house and she comes to my house. I didn’t want to have to get to this because we get along pretty well, but this is heavily weighting on me and causes blockages also. I didn’t want to have to get to this I wanted to be strong enough to overcome the situation.

@ucme It’s really hard to change one’s mind when it’s been a way for so long (15 years and more)

@Inconito101 It never left, you just got distracted.

What do you mean!? @ucme

@Inconito101 If the people you know ” all they want is a trophy girl, the prettiest, the most beautiful even if they themselves aren’t looking their “best”.” then perhaps you need to change who you are trying to be attractive to. Find people who value you more than just looks.

I suggest you learn to love yourself, to care for yourself, and not base your self esteem on what others say. No one will ove you until you can love yourself.

Try this exercise everyday for the next 30 days: Stand in front of a mirror, look at yourself in your eyes, and say “I love you” continually for 5 minutes. And look at yourself the whole time.

I bet you are not as “ugly” as you say you are. Most people I know who describe themselves as “ugly” really are “prettier” than they think of themselves. Having a guy use you and then express his desire for your cousin has to hurt down to the bone, having said that, you need to take stock of yourself….the good things inside you and I am sure you have physical qualities that again are not “ugly”. Remind yourself of your inner beauty and get some new friends that will not judge you by your looks or dare to compare you to other people.

You don’t have to be a beauty queen to love yourself for who you are. Plus the pretty girls your age, many will be a lot less pretty in a few short years. I think nothing on a girl looks more attractive than confidence and good posture. Stand and walk tall and stop comparing yourself to your cousin.

@Inconito101 Your mind hasn’t been away, you just allowed yourself to focus on negative thoughts, refocus on what’s best for you.

@zenvelo I should change my surroundings but it’s hard to know people’s true intentions even when you ask them and they tell you, we can never know if it’s true. I’m trying to let it affect me less but it’s so hard when people are constantly adding their 2 cents. Every day I get anxious about this whole situation  I hate looking in the mirror because when I do I end up staring at me for too long never for the right reasons, but I will try, thank you ! 

@Cruiser When you say take stock, do you mean I have to re-evaluate the situation ? I been re evaluation for more than a year to see where I went wrong and all. I know I should of listened to my intuition. I also don’t want to talk to anyone anymore. I feel so humiliated I can’t even look at myself I get anxious. I keep trying to work on my confidence, hopefully I can see a light close. But I keep hearing be patient with yourself but for how long ? I just don’t want to live in this society anymore it’s too much for me.

@Inconito101 Changing ones mind of years of domestication is really hard. See on one side you working on yourself internally and on the other side you keep having experiences that keeps affecting you in all dimensions. I just want to stay in my corner until inside is all fixed then deal with the outside _. It’s crazy how we always go straight in negative thinking and I’m trying to switch it, very hard work out :/

Sometimes you have to change the milieu you’re in to change. Leaving my marriage – although initially devastating has really helped my self-esteem. I think not hanging out so much with your cousin and maybe finding clubs or schools that interest you will help you find less shallow people. They are definitely out there. Don’t underestimate the value of new positive experiences to help you improve your self-esteem.

@Inconito101 I did mean for you to take stock or inventory of all the good qualities you have and include the things you like to do especially things you are passionate about. Include everything no matter how little. You can then build confidence in yourself by acknowledging these good qualities of you and your life. You write here as though you are a compassionate person and IMO that is a great quality to have.

You could also do some new activities that will get you out with like minded people, take a martial arts class as that will surely build confidence and perhaps volunteer at a food bank, shelter or hospital.

Think of someone you admire and compare yourself with them, not with someone you think is beautiful. As a beautiful woman called Maram Al Masri once said:

“Isn’t it the other that gives me this beauty?”. An external virtue that doesn’t exist in itself, surely not the property of the one who carries it. “I’m nothing without the gaze of the other.”

Sweetie, work on yourself, your progress and your peace of mind. As you get older you will see that it is not a competition. Nobody cares who is smarter, brighter, prettier etc. Make the best of what is on your tray and to h#*% with others. Do not waste time and precious energy on comparing, you will get sick and become bitter. Move on down your path not looking left, right or back. Please, don’t do this to yourself, you will cry over wasted years later. Sorry for the lecture, just real life experience!

So many fabulous and thoughtful answers above mine. I hope you’re reading and believing what they all said. I think this is a great question. I’ve read similar books and advice to those you mention but yes, how do we stop those thoughts?

I think an important element is to try to focus on issues and events outside of us. That internal monologue that points out your cousin is prettier or that girl is smarter is our ego, and our insecurity speaking. So we need to train ourselves to be aware of when our ego is speaking. I don’t think our egos are terribly perceptive. They’re opinionated but that opinion is often skewed. If you can learn to identify when that insecure part of your ego is speaking, you can change the topic of conversation. When that voice says ‘my cousin is so beautiful’ counter with ‘yes but l’m funny’. Change the message to a positive of your own.

Also, do speak to your cousin and ask her what makes her feel insecure. I bet she has a whole list of her own. I always looked at my older and younger sisters and thought how beautiful they were. Then my older sister told me how jealous she was of my beautiful hair. Later my younger sister told me how in awe she’d been of me her older, beautiful and strong sister. We really have little idea of how others are perceiving us and especially if we let our own internal monologue run the show.

As to men wanting the prettiest rather than the funniest and cleverest girl, that’s not been my experience. First, pretty is subjective and one man’s pretty is not the same as the next. Plus pretty is nice to look at but a smart funny woman is great to be with. Develop your confidence and boys will be attracted to you.

^^ I agree and while my friend that I mentioned above is nice-looking, I think it is the tinkle in her laugh and her open manner that draws people to her. I can’t do that that way but I have learned from watching her.

@Inconito101 Of course it’s hard, fighting for something that’s worth the effort (you) always is, that’s what makes it so rewarding in the end.

@janbb Yes you are probably right

@Inconito Thank you for the tip I will try to work on that, I have previously tried to list my passion but It was desert in my mind, I do have to work on myself a lot.

@flutherother Ok I will 

@Zephyra No thank you! I have to hear this, It’s really what I’d like to do but it’s so hard 

@Earthbound_Misfit Thank you for the tips! One thing she had told me is that she feel anxious when people put her on the spot ( for example, every time we go out at some point someone will say wow you are extremely beautiful and then everyone will look at her and confirm. That’s what make her feel insecure and anxious. But to be honest I would rather feel anxious about that than about how ugly I look and who’s about to compare us next…
I gave her most of my make up because everything looks nicer on her. One day I did my make up and she asked me to do the exact same for her. It was so nice on her and so basic an disgusting on me, It hurt 

I saw this on Facebook today and thought of this question and wanted to share:
“your value does not decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.”
Yes, it’s kind of cheesy but I wanted to share it with you.

Thank you :) @chyna