Confronting a roommate about his anger. Is my plan okay?

IMO a note will make the matter worse. Find a time when just the 2 of you can talk and just say to him that you have something you need to discuss with him that is really bothering you and even worrying you. I would then first ask if there is something going on in his life that has change and you can then say you are asking this because you have noticed an increase in his anger and outburst. Then tell him you are worried that he is angry at you for some unknown reason and you would like to talk about.

It is not an increase. It’s been constant. It’s just finally starting to wear me down.

Why do you think a note would make it worse? I am afraid if we do this in person he will react angrily with an outburst, which will piss me off, and then we’ll just have a shouting match.

I think any mention of it in anyway will just piss him off.

Can you replace him?

No, we’re stuck in the apartment together for the rest of the academic year.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the time we are actually good friends. I’m just really tired of him getting pissy about stupid things.

I know the confrontation might suck at first but I’m hoping things would improve after. I just know I’m not content to let it keep going the way it is now.

I think you can send him a note if that is easier for you but I don’t think it will forestall a face to face confrontation once he reads it.

Oh yeah. I want to talk to him in person. I just think it might be better to not have the initial confrontation be face to face? So he can read it and calm down first before we talk.

Can you try to avoid triggers? I know it’s like walking on eggshells…..

That’s exactly the problem. I don’t know what’s going to set him off. I mostly don’t play video games with him anymore because that is very clearly a trigger. But this latest incident just blew my mind. If that pisses him off then I’m going to have to just be silent around him because it seems pretty much anything can. And that’s not comfortable either.

I just want to be comfortable in my own home again…

Thanks everybody, by the way.

Understand where you are coming from.

If this amount of his self worth is tied up in a video game, then you have no business even tiptoeing near the idea of playing the game with him. Clearly the guy has issues as well as switches. If you’re compelled to live with him, tripping the video game switch seems rather pointless. Confronting him about his “problem” will probably get you nowhere. It’s a sure bet that he’s been challenged about his temper in the past.

I don’t think the onus is on me to stop triggering him. It’s his freaking problem and he needs to learn to grow up and manage his anger in a normal way. Anyway, like I said, we don’t really play video games anymore. The most recent incident was triggered by me calling him “Ass McAss.”

I guess I can’t make jokes in my own home either.

Would your roommates be willing to step-up and have some sort of group anger intervention?

Maybe. I need to talk to the other two living in the apartment. I think one of them is upset with both me and the guy right now. First I need to dig myself out of this snow…

The fact is that you SEE the problem. Do you truly believe that you might have the ability to alter this aspect of his behavior? I guess I’m asking why his defect annoys you so?

It’s is hard to be around someone who’s liable to explode at any minute, for no apparent reason. It’s threatening.

I don’t know if I can make a change happen but I feel like I have to try. I don’t want to keep living with him the way it is now.

It annoys me because every time it happens, it turns an enjoyable evening into an unbearably tense and awkward one.

It seems like if you go it alone he will think he is fine and it is you with the problem. If others can back you up maybe he will think that the problem is him. I doubt you will be able to change his behavior alone.

That or you could just let him be a big baby and storm off. As long as he just retreats you could just deal with that. It isn’t your job to protect him from himself or his delicate feelings.

I’ll see what the other girls have to say, thanks, that’s a good point. I suppose worst case I could just stop caring about his feelings when he has these incidents like you say. At least he removes himself when it happens. It’s just so passive aggressive and I have a low tolerance for bullshit.

It sounds like he’s childish or has some kind of emotional problem. Throwing tantrums is something that I don’t expect to see in anybody over the age of 3.

I also don’t think that he is going to change his personality any time soon. He is what he is, for whatever reason.

If it were me, I’d avoid playing video games with him. I might be willing to go to lunch or dinner or coffee or something light hearted, but anything else, I’d avoid him if I could.

Yeah….I think I’ll definitely cease video games completely. Avoidance is tough given that we live together. I can definitely spend more time at my boyfriend’s place but I really enjoy my other two roommates and would be a little bit sad about that. Dunno.

You could, coincidentally, have a video running when he has one of those outbursts…...

You think seeing it would knock a sense of shame into him? Maybe so. I’m thinking just talking about it might do the same. I hope, anyway. I guess that could be a potential future step.

I mean, worst case, I’m only in this apartment for another 5 months or so. It could be worse.

As someone else said, I’m sure others have talked to him before this. He obviously didn’t, or didn’t WANT to, get the message.

Yeah probably. I can’t know for sure how much he’s been talked to about this though and want to just at least try a conversation before entertaining more extreme measures. But I will absolutely do something else if there’s no change after a conversation.

Maybe there is something bothering him just now, something he is worried about, exams, money, relationships it could be anything or I could be wrong and it’s just his personality. How well do you know him? Is there anyone he might confide in you could speak to about it? I don’t think a note under the door is a good idea.

This is our second year living together and this is not a change in behavior from him.

Don’t bother – just avoid as much as possible, but also try not to tease him, since you know now that he is ultra-sensitive. I have people that I don’t like and I say hi to them, maybe how was your weekend or something light, and then I do what they call “keep it moving.”

I just want there to be some solution that doesn’t involve me having to tiptoe around my own home. It doesn’t seem fair that I’M the one who has to adjust my behavior when HE’S the one with the problem.

Would the others consider kicking him out?

It seems like if you don’t play video games with him then it’s not that bad. I am not saying tiptoe, I’m saying avoid when possible.

Does he get pissy about doing chores and stuff?

We really can’t kick him out. We live on campus and changing housing during the academic year is nearly impossible. I don’t think the others want him gone and I’m also not to the point of wanting him gone.

It’s usually not too bad if we don’t play games but whatever happened Monday night was weird and I hope not something that continues…

He’s alright about chores. I remember it being more of a problem last year. He would sometimes sigh really loudly while doing the dishes like he wanted someone to jump in and offer to do them in his stead. He’s just really passive aggressive about things in general. Earlier this year I know he complained to one of my other roommates that he felt like he was doing all the chores (which was not true) and so far this semester I’ve been doing most of the chores because I have a really easy courseload and I wanted to help make everybody’s lives easier. It feels like shit to be doing favors for everybody all the time and then get treated like this.

Is there agreement among the other roommates that he’s being a jerk?

I’m not sure. I’ve tried to have a chat with them about it but I think in general they feel bad about any kind of “gossipy” behavior so they weren’t really open to it. One of my roommates knew him a year or so before I did and just emphasized that he’s a lot better about anger now than he used to be. So she’s pretty satisfied with the present just comparing it to the past I guess.

I might talk to them first before this confrontation but I kind of just want to handle it on my own because I think they’re a little pissed at both of us for our spat the other night.

I was thinking if you all presented a united front and confronted him it might go better. You against him probably leaves more chance for continued conflict. He sounds like a spoiled baby.

I think the guy could be dangerous and you should not confront him alone. All the roommates and maybe their boyfriends/girlfriends, whatever, should be there.

Also, I am doubting that he can change just by being talked to. I would think about asking him to leave.

I never understand why people feel the need to use such a complicated route in solving issues like this. You’re all adults, so talk it through together until an amicable solution is reached.
Leaving bits of notes comes across as extremely passive & may encourage the hostile behaviour, empowering the selfish bastard.

We’re all adults but he’s acting like a child and might blow up the instant I say anything.

The one thing I’m 100% sure of is that we will not be able to kick him out. If I absolutely I have to I can probably unofficially move in with my boyfriend though.

I think, regardless of how you do it (note, or face to face), you should start with something positive. Like “Most of the time we get along really well and I enjoy your company and value your friendship…” (if it’s true, anyway), because a lot of the time, people with anger issues are disarmed by kindness. Many people with severe anger problems have grown up in homes that had really crappy communication, or the people were put down a lot and so don’t even feel “safe” – even when people are obviously joking with them.

Situations like these are usually resolved just by talking them through.
Talking does wonders, opens up issues, clears the air.
He might even express remorse or at least a degree of shame for his petulance.
Only one way to find out.

I think that everyone confronting him is a terrible idea. Nobody wants to be double-teamed (or triple-teamed). That confrontation is going to combust.

Exactly how civilized is he? Do you have conversations with him and can he think logically?
I know that you’re pissed off about this situation but anger won’t solve it, especially considering how volatile he is. I think you should definitely talk about it in person in a positive tone. If you’re daring enough, you could start of by saying that you felt bad about the note you left (whether or not you actually did feel bad) and that you wrote it because you don’t like when he’s angry. See how that unfolds. Make sure he’s in a good mood, too. There’s not much you can do about him anyway, so anything’s worth a try.

Well as I have said I am planning to talk to him. The note idea was just to start the dialogue. Just in case he gets angry and blows up at the start, so he can calm down before we chat. But I’m leaning more and more towards just talking about it, now. It’s what I would usually do, but I’ve never had to deal with someone with frightening anger before.

Thanks so much for all the amazing input, guys.

@dxs thanks for your input too. Most of the time we are good friends. He is very oversensitive, obviously. I know I need to try to keep an even head when I approach him about this. It will be hard though. I’m tired of being made to feel like a villain over the tiniest things. I haven’t actually left the note yet either, btw.

@Mariah My sister is also overly sensitive (and can even be very rude without even realizing it), so I know how impossible it can feel to deal with people like that. I wish you luck, though! Let us know how it goes. If it works, maybe I’ll try the same approach with my sister. :-/

Everyone has different triggers, maybe his anger only manifests itself through gaming.
Plenty of people rant, especially online gamers, but are otherwise perfectly well mannered & charming individuals.
Given the circumstances provided, i’d be very surprised if he reacted angrily & if he does, well then he deserves nothing but disdain, needs the chance to prove himself first though.

Monday night’s trigger was from me calling him “Ass McAss” which is one of the few times I can recall him getting this angry over something non gaming related. We’ll see. Thanks.

@ucme It depends on who you’re dealing with. If they’re a grown up (which this guy isn’t) you may be able to just talk. Immature, insecure people tend to get angry when they’re called out.

@Dutchess_III As @Mariah just said, “we’ll see”

Is he aware that he gets actively angry? Could he perhaps believe that this is normal behavior? For example, I have an acquaintance who behaved very much like this, but had no idea how he was reacting to things until someone videotaped him in the throes of a tantrum. Actually seeing himself behave in that manner shocked and appalled him, he worked to curb those impulses.

I like the idea of the initial contact about this being a note, as a note won’t get sidetracked if he gets angry. And yes, unfortunately, the burden does seem to be on you to somehow deal with this (however you choose to) because no one else seems to be stepping up.

Good luck, I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

@canidmajor Thanks. My impression right now is that he actually thinks going to his room is a graceful way to handle the problem. According to one of my other roomies, he used to be worse. She says that about three years ago, she was playing card games with him in her room and she won, and he accused her of cheating and apparently spent a few good minutes going around her room and like shaking the furniture(? I think that’s what she said) before cooling off. So she’s just glad that he’s graduated to slamming his own door and disappearing for the rest of the night. I’m also glad that he’s better than he once was….but I’m still not at all content with the way things are. It’s obviously just awkward as fuck, especially when we have other guests over and he does that. Sometimes he does that when his own guests are over and then we have to entertain his friends for the rest of the night while he mopes in his room.

^—- to add onto what I just said, I think that particular roommate would prefer I just lie down and accept his behavior / try to avoid provoking him. When I tried to talk to her about this incident, she just said “you have to remember that [roommate] is very sensitive and might not take things the way you intend.”

A note will be easier for you, but he’ll see it as passive-aggressive, and it will just feed the problem. However, recognize that doing it in person also has the potential to tick him off. I mean, the guy has an anger problem – there’s no win here. You probably cannot avoid a conflict whatever you do. Just brace yourself and face it head on.

Next, what do you actually want from this interaction? Do you think it’s likely he (a) is capable of controlling his behaviour and (b) willing to change his behaviour for you? I suspect neither is true. So, while I agree with you that “clearing the air” is a good idea so that he can’t pretend he doesn’t know how you feel, I wouldn’t expect too much.

My best advice is to do your time until you can find a better living situation, and take that opportunity. Don’t expect your roommates to change; this very rarely happens.

Yeah I’m not sure what I’m expecting. I do believe he is capable of controlling his behavior because all adults are in control of their own behavior. But he has to want to.

I doubt this will be enough to make him want to, but maybe acknowledging it finally will give me something healthy to do next time it happens. It will be much better if I can say “remember we talked about this, please calm down,” rather than reacting the way I’ve been which has been basically astonished frustration, as you can probably tell from my original post.

@Mariah “all adults are in control of their own behavior”

Hmm. I wouldn’t be so sure about that. :/

I would also feel it necessary to have the conversation, if only for my own peace of mind.

I’m sure. Barring perhaps severe mental illness or drug addiction. Anyone who says otherwise is just refusing to take responsibility for their actions.

I don’t want to get too sidetracked, but I don’t think it requires severe mental illness to not recognize certain kinds of behavioural patterns. Some people simply don’t know themselves as well as they should.

Whether people are aware of the patterns or not, they are still choosing in the moment to go slam a door versus keep themselves in check. Interesting discussion though, thanks :)

Back at you. :)

Too much drama. Don’t engage.

It does sound like childish and attention-seeking behaviour. I can understand why you want to write a note and normally I’d suggest this but in this case, I do think he’s going to view it as passive-aggressive. I can totally understand how irritating his behaviour is, but I think you should deal with it as you would a two-year old tantrum. Ignore it. Don’t pander to his silliness. If he wants to tear off to his room in a tiff, so be it. Carry on with your game and leave the silly boy to it.

Oh, I thought of something whilst taking a shower last night. You’re a female, he’s a male. Maybe he’s one of those throwbacks who can’t handle a woman beating him, a MAN! in any kind of competition. Does he get angry when other males beat him?

He gets angry when anyone beats him at video games.

Well, it does sound like the competition is his trigger. Rather than confront him about his anger in general, maybe you could just say you don’t want to play games with him again because he gets so mad when he loses.

Yeah, unfortunately I’ve already mostly stopped playing games with him and shit’s still going on. I’m more upset about Monday’s trigger (“Ass McAss”) because I can handle not playing games with him, but I really can’t handle being made to feel like I can’t joke or be myself in my home.

He’s a dick!

Lol I’m frustrated but he’s still my buddy….he’s a dick about certain things but I really connect with him in other ways. I dunno. It’s been a long time since I last felt that our relationship was really healthy. Moving away at the end of the year will probably be more of a relief than sad.

Jesus fuck that went horribly

I talked to him face to face. He said I was “bullying him” and being “self-righteous and arrogant” and he was “removing himself from the situation.”

I literally called him “Ass McAss.”

He barely listened to a word I had to say and basically just thinks he’s the persecuted protagonist of some bullshit story.

Fuck this.

Oh, dear. It’s a bad sign when someone doesn’t even think about what you’ve said before they go on the attack. Maybe he’ll at least think about it? Or am I being horribly naive about the kind of person he is @Mariah?

I think I’ve been naive about the kind of person he is.

I want to move out…

Would moving in with your bf be feasible?

did you say that you can unofficially bunk with your boyfriend for awhile? will that help while you make other arrangements?

I can definitely stay with him more often. I can’t officially move out though. I’m stuck here till June.

or what @Brian1946 said? :-)

In that case, I’d be bunking with him real often…except that he’d probably rather bunk with you. ;-p

Oh man. I am sorry…...

Not much to do now except stay out of his way as much as you can.

@Mariah Screw him. I have no tolerance for idiots like that. I’d pick up a few pacifiers and leave them around the place.

Bummer! Well pat yourself on the back for trying. I’ve had roommates who I wasn’t on a talking basis with, too, so I know how that feels. What a shitty situation.

I’ve had plenty of roommates I wasn’t on a talking basis with, none who were formerly best friends of mine though. This is a bitch. Thanks all.

That sucks, @Mariah. I don’t think any different action on your part could have led to a different outcome. The guy is just a dick.

Came home for the first time in awhile today and got a treat – only my other two roomies are around. We chatted. They don’t think I’m a complete innocent in this situation but they also think his assholeness has been out of proportion. They agree the situation as it stands now isn’t working at all – they miss having me around and feel that I shouldn’t feel unwelcome in the living space.

I’m not too optimistic in the outcome of anything that we could possibly do, but we don’t think doing nothing is really an option. The best solution we’ve found is to maybe get our RA to mediate a discussion. Having an objective third party present should hopefully keep this one from devolving into name calling. I just want to get to a point where I’m allowed to exist around him. We don’t have to be friends.

So, that’s probably going to happen sometime. I’ll keep y’all updated.

Thanks for the update, @Mariah.

It’s actually rather impressive that you have managed to assemble 4 people capable of coexisting in a household with as little friction as you have described. Though I remain cynical about your chances of altering your room mate’s behavior through logical discussion, I agree that the 3 of you confronting him in the presence of the RA should force him to confront the gravity of the issue. My guess is that he will be both shocked and hurt by your reactions to his tantrums. I’m wondering what sort of behavior will be substituted when deprived of his customary method of venting?

I tried to tell him during our very unproductive talk the other day that if I’m doing something that pisses him off he can simply tell me and I will stop. No need to storm out of the room. He was not receptive to that at all at the time though.

That’s why I find that a note before a face to face works pretty well. It’s not passive aggressive, as some suggest, it allows you to form your thoughts and sentences well, without interruption, and allows the other person’s emotional response to happen before the rational one, without trouble being caused.

I have had some success in the past with this method.

I guess maybe that ship has sailed in this case, but keep it in mind for the future.

I suggest you go talk to your RA about this asap. I don’t know how your RA is, but I had roommate problems while under an RA, and my roommates talked about it with her (our RA) first and that led to my RA being totally biased towards them. She didn’t even ask for my side. Don’t let this happen. Of course, you’re on the majority’s side, though.

When we talked face to face things got heated and the discussion was a lot meaner than it needed to be. I’ve written down my thoughts for when we talk with the RA to avoid exactly that.

Gonna talk to her soon. I do not think he will be going to her, but thanks for the advice.

Well there’s solid entertainment guaranteed whenever irrational behavior is confronted with logical argument. It cracks me up that you told him “that if I’m doing something that pisses him off he can simply tell me and I will stop” His reaction is exactly what you should expect for bringing it up. You KNOW what’s pissing him off. YOU beat him in a video game. So YOU can either let him win, or refuse to play with him. His hostile reaction over something so petty has no rational defense, and anyone who has advanced to university levels is certainly cognizant of this. Sure, the combined weight of the 3 residents plus the RA might bully him into repressing his anger, but it seems to me that if the only thing required for the 4 of you to make it through the current term is to avoid playing games with him, it’s a small enough sacrifice to keep the peace. After all, if participation in a video game amounts to a challenge of “show me your warts”, what satisfaction can you derive in setting him off?

To backup @stanleybmanly, I repeat: If it were me, I’d avoid playing video games with him. I might be willing to go to lunch or dinner or coffee or something light hearted, but anything else, I’d avoid him if I could.

@stanleybmanly @jca Did I miss something here? It’s my impression that his behaviour is not solely connected to video games. He flew off the handle when she tried to address his anger – they weren’t playing a game at the time.

It sounds to me like he can’t handle any kind of criticism or ego bruising. How is @Mariah supposed to predict what interaction will result in a blow out? Maybe she’ll ask him to pick up his dirty socks, and he’ll interpret this as a dig at his cleanliness. There’s no way she can control how he acts, and she shouldn’t be expected to. That’s his responsibility.

@stanleybmanly You have missed some of the context – please stop. I do not play video games with him anymore. The latest incident was unrelated to video games.

So it turns out he is a prick, should be easy to burst his bubble then.

Unbelievably, we have made up.

I went to the RA today and gave her some context but not too much because I wanted her to remain objective for mediating. She and I talked over some strategies for approach and then I went to my roomie’s door and asked him if he would do a mediated discussion with me. He was really cold and not into it at first but we got him talking and then once he was talking he spent awhile just trying to demonize me, I felt, but finally, finally, after some really insightful questions from the RA, we both aired concerns, both realized there had been some major misunderstandings on the night of the fight and many other nights, and we both acknowledged this would be a stupid fucking incident to lose our friendship over. We both acknowledged things we need to do differently from here on out.

I realize now that he is 100% aware of his anger issues, and that he has been making steady progress on them for years. I can’t expect him to reach perfection over night. He is at least not punching walls like he used to do. I can deal with some storming out of the room (though he is at least now aware that that irritates the hell out of me). I’m just glad to know that he is aware that he is an ass when he’s mad.

Overall I would have preferred to have had the talk include less demonizing of me but I’ll take what I can get – we’re friends again, that’s more than I dreamed of 24 hours ago.

We’re going to let this one incident go and we know what we both need to do differently if something shitty does go down again.

I owe that RA a cake or some shit.

^^she’d probably prefer a cake.

Oh you.

I’m glad things are working out!

God’s in His heaven. Nice goin!

Adults talking + considered debate = mutually beneficial results. #textbook

It’s cool that Auggie got into the situation! ;)

I had not seen this thread when I responded to the other one. I believe you are correct, the drinking was an unrelated element of the event, and it should not have been the focus of the responses.

So. Though I don’t go in for much pop psychology, I’ve seen enough of this “type” to have read a little bit about “fragile ego” in the past. Reading this account of events – and reading between the lines about what life has been like with this person – took me in a different direction this time. Read this and see if it resonates. Unfortunately, it doesn’t give many clues about how to help the person out of this kind of mindset; that’s an existential thing that the person himself will have to deal with. You may not like the advice about how you should handle yourself with respect to this person, either – this “type of person” I should say – but there it is, anyway. It may give you a bit more understanding of what’s going on inside his head (which even he won’t know about himself).