How can she resolve this conflict with a neatnik?

I think if she really loves him she has to change. That sounds sexist but I think the person who is a staunch neatnik probably cannot overlook a mess. Either that or they just hang out at his house. Maybe they can’t live together but can still be partners?

The wonderful writer, Carolyn Heilbrun, found one solution that she describes in her book, The Last Gift of Time: Life Beyond Sixty.

Never mind needing a room of one’s own, live in separate domiciles, as the Heilbruns did.

At the age of 68, she purchased a converted barn to use by herself, as she wanted a private place.

As an aside, I doubt I will ever want to live with someone again.

Nothing. They are too set in their ways. They may as well break up now, because they’re going to crash and burn eventually,.

She will never be able to conform to what he wants. No matter how hard she might try to be neat enough for him, she will never satisfy his need for “neat”. She simply doesn’t even see the details that he worries about.
Your language would indicate that you take his “side” in this, perhaps your perception of your “close friend” is not a very generous one.
I see no solution here, beyond continuing to date. This couple probably can’t live together successfully.

There is only a problem when one either or both the neat-nick of the slob has a problem with each other’s behavior. Opposites sometimes attract.

I don’t consider myself a neat-nick but I’ll bet that my past woman friend would tell you that I am. She was an absolute slob and claimed to like it that way after she got comfortable with me. But it drove her nuts when I just did simple things like make the bed or straighten up the house. She told me that I was trying to change her which was not my intention at all. She even started intentionally messing things up right after I put them in order. She had some very nice qualities and I was more than willing to overlook her messiness. But she could not stand it when I would do simple house cleaning. So she dumped me. Looking back I suppose she did us both a favor. HA!

@gondwanalon boy; did she screw up. She could easily have had you doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and yard work. Best of luck to her with her new live=in slob. SMH

Hmm, quite a serious conflict, not to be swept under the carpet.

I think this combination is a disaster. I had a friend a few years ago who was dating a neatnik and she is a slob, and they were going to move in together. She said to me, “it’s a good thing, because it forces me to be neater.” I wanted to blurt out, “you will be miserable! Break it off now.” I held my tongue. I hope I was wrong. I did say a that it would be hard for me to live with someone so extreme.

I’m no longer in touch with her, except Facebook friends, but she is rarely on FB. We only saw each other at events and get togethers. We weren’t good enough friends that we did stuff together just us. Now I wonder if they stayed together?

@JLeslie: you have me curious now, too.

I’m going to look at her Facebook page. Thing is, I don’t remember the guys name. I’d have to ask a mutual friend to know.

You probably cannot, he will not tolerate her behavior. I learned a long time ago you cannot change the spots on a leopard. Her actions will probably not be accepted by the neatnik.

@JLeslie, she’s never on FB and rarely seen. She’s too busy cleaning and tidying!

I think this coupling is a recipe for disaster @Aster. There are some changes we can make in our lives, but if she is naturally easy going and untidy, as @canidmajor suggests, she probably won’t even see mess that glares out to him.

On the flipside, while he might try to be more relaxed and not get upset that she’s left a towel hanging over the bath, it will grate with him. They’re at different ends of a spectrum and I can’t see how they can easily meet in the middle. As @JLeslie suggests, she/he will just be miserable trying to conform to the other’s needs.

My aunt was far from a slob, but having raised several kids [largely] by herself and always being a renter, she knew how to look beyond a mess.

When she was in her late 60’s her HS school sweetheart came calling. His wife had recently died after a long illness. They had a whirlwind, married and she cashed out her apartment to move in with him. What did it last? A month or two? She couldn’t do anything right. He was a neatnik and everything had to be ‘just so’. When she left him, she ended up having to move in with her daughter. What a mess. Old dogs.

Nothing. can be done, people don;y change.
Leopards don’t change their spots. While I am not a total neatnik I also cannot stand sloppy types. I do not like messes, clutter, and crap everywhere, surface clutter etc.

The dusting a vacuuming can wait but no cluttery, hoarder stuff for me. gah!
The sloppy/tidy conundrum is a deal breaker more often than not.
I have friends that are having marital issues over her clutter and lack of organization. I love them both but she is a total slob.

Piles of stuff everywhere, just too much shit that never gets organized. They make boatloads of money but she saves every little thing, forever.
He is not happy with her crap strewn everywhere, I don’t blame him. Opposites attract is not a good thing, not at all.

I went to her Facebook page to see if she had anything filled in for relationship status. She doesn’t. This morning she had commented on a photo I just changed. First comment in a year probably. Facebook is so tricky – scary – I guess once I went to her profile page the algorithms sent my recent updates to her newsfeed.