Are there easier ways to help my toddler leave when it's time to go?

We were so lucky that was not a problem with our kids…
From day 1 our rule was, “When it is time to go, it is time to go.” Period. We NEVER said “OK 5 more minutes.” When at Grandma’s house and we said it was time to go, we said our goodbyes, walked to the door, put on our coats first, then helped the kids with theirs and then left. We did not allow an aunt to start any other discussions. “So when will you help me clean my attic?” “What a nice jacket. Where did you get that.” We feigned selected deafness and walked out the door. The kids grew up knowing it was time to go.

They also knew the unprotected wood burning stove was hot. My youngest was a little more precocious and would test things. I actually watched him out of the corner of my eye burn himself but he said nothing. He wouldn’t even cry because he knew. .
Another example… At the time I had a powerful electric fence (a 10 mile weeder) I told the kids “The fence is hot. Don’t touch.” Of course I turned it off when they were outside. .One day I was in the barn and my then late 2 year old came up to me and said “The fence is not hot!” That was when I decided I should leave it on. Sure enough, one day, Pow! I saw it happen. Hard to watch . He involuntarily screamed but didn’t cry. He hung around me in the barn and never said a word about it and neither did I.
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We never had to negotiate..

To me it sounds like you are doing a great job so far. I have seen some parents drag their kids away, kicking and screaming and yelling at them to leave them alone etc. So what you are doing is really great and also teaching her at the same time how it should be done, the right way.

Yes, this is a phase, all normal. My own kids went through this as well, they are older now so they understand if we have to leave, then we have to leave, but they also went through this like your daughter. It does go over though.

The best advice I do have, keep at it, keep doing what you are doing, treating her the way you do without threats etc, this way she will also learn the right way. I would however suggest bringing in a reward maybe, a reward chart also teaches them to do shores like picking up their toys etc. If she comes along when it’s time to leave, give her a star. When she for example have 5 start, she gets a treat, or you can say to her next time at the park we will stay 5 slides longer when we say it’s time to leave.

It sounds a bit like a compromise, which isn’t a good thing, but also not a bad thing in teaching.
Good luck.

I don’t think you will find something that always works, but I’m sure you know that. Here is what has worked for me in the past:

The philosophical approach
Be honest. Adults like to say things like, “It’s time to go.” or “We have to go.” – making it sound as if there is some higher power who demands immediate departure. It is very clear to children that the arbitrary “time to go” is the adult’s idea, but those kinds of phrasings are unnecessarily convoluted and not very personal.

Just as the infamous “questions” which are not questions at all – “Don’t you want to go to bed?” “Would you like to go brush your teeth now?” Unless you’re really asking, questions just serve to make things more complicated.

What has worked well for me is to honestly state the facts. It is not “time to go” – I simply say, “I want to go home now.” Kids want to cooperate, and if their requests don’t get ignored on a regular basis, most will strive to fulfill others’ needs, too.

While doing this, it has helped me to imagine our roles were changed. If I was the child, would saying, “I want to go home now.” be followed by immediate departure? Very unlikely. Most parents take care not to jump to their child’s orders, and for good reason. Frustration tolerance is important.

While knowing this, I’ve seen many parents model the polar opposite of their goal. When you say, “time to go”, you have probably been keeping an eye on the clock for the last ten minutes. You’ve been getting used to the idea of leaving. You want to leave – you haven’t said so, though. By getting impatient if your child doesn’t comply immediately, you are modeling a very low degree of frustration tolerance. General ‘you’, it doesn’t sound as if you get impatient quickly!

The practical approach
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with training a toddler. Teach her a variety of fun games, in a relaxed setting. One idea may be to teach her to run toward you like a certain kind of animal, for example. I know a mum who plays “The Parrot Game” with her son when he gets upset. She will back away and call out: “Hug me like a parrot!” The kid, tear-stained, smiles delightedly – and comes running, “wings” flapping, to give her a big hug.

I have also had children be horses or dogs for hours on end. Instead of saying, “We have to go”, try asking whether your daughter would like to play horses or be a princess. This will probably delight her, because adults do not often come up with a good idea on what to play…and while you’re both “in character”, many confrontations will get side-stepped. Asking a “dog” to go jump in the car is easy. Wave a treat, or put him on a leash. A “princess” will love to enter her unicorn-drawn carriage to go see the Prince of Africa. Even leaving the grocery store is easy when you’re a detective catching a thief, or a pirate looking for the next clue of your treasure hunt.

Lastly, another idea is to tell her, “You be the mum/dad.” Have her get you in the car. Worked wonders for my sister, though our battle field was brushing teeth.

In general
Try not to make it too much of an issue. It sounds like you’re doing a good job, and all this will probably be over sooner than you think. Congrats on the new baby!

I used your ideas of counting down – 5 minutes, 3 minutes etc and also 3 more plays – with my children. I would extend this a little further by ensuring that you have her attention and a verbal agreement so when you say 5 minutes, she has to reply ok. It’s ok for her to negotiate a little at this point but never once you have agreed. If you say 3 more plays, ask her which three things she is going to do and interact with her while she is doing them. Make sure you stick to what you have said and don’t get distracted chatting to someone or playing on your phone!

I’m not sure if this has been said above but also having a motivation to leave is good – when we get home we are going to have hot chocolate; grandma will soon be there; we are going to play with your new game; etc. Make sure that these things happen.

Also set a time limit when you arrive, especially if you just have a short time doing a fun thing.

There is no easy one-size-fits-all solution here, as it’s a pretty normal “problem” (if we choose to look at it that way). And it sounds like you’re already doing plenty of things that will make this easier for you and your wife (congratulations!).

The only thing I can add is that consistency is critical. If the 2 minute warning is sometimes really 5 minutes or 10 minutes, that can be confusing. Additionally, I found that providing some empowerment through choices made almost everything go smoother. “Do you want to leave now or in 2 minutes?” “Do you want to help me carry this bag or our lunch?” “On the way home, would you rather go to the market first or the library?” It seemed to have the effect of placing them right in the middle of the whole “machine”. They would act (somewhat) less like some unfair forces were tearing them away from their current fun, and more an active agent in their own life.

My middle kid really always went for the transitional object. As long as he got to carry something that was important to him to the next task, he was fine. When it was time to leave the house, he would have an option to bring something. If we were at the beach, bringing a shell or rock he found would be the motivator (“Time to go. Which rock or shell would you like to bring?”).

Also, don’t forget to meet them where they are developmentally. This will pass, and there will be new challenges. And don’t forget to savor this particular challenge. You’ll probably miss it. I know that I do. :(

I like the combination of fair warning and once the time is up it’s up and that’s it.

I also really like the transitional item that @hominid suggests as a possible solution. Gives the kid a feeling of more control probably.

@hominid I don’t recall giving our kids the choice about what we will do later. I would say things like “We are heading home now.” or “We are going to the grocery store first then home.” or “Wasn’t that fun?” “What did you like best about…”
While in the car I did not play the radio. I did not listen to news. The kids did not have devices. They looked out the window and/or we talked on the way to and from destinations.

Maybe that’s why neither one is a dancer. :-)

Toddlers are, basically, alien chameleons. This phase will pass, yes, but it’s a bear while it’s happening. The fact that there’s a baby on the way may be playing into this, as well.
I would tell my kids that if they didn’t cooperate, we wouldn’t go back there the next time. That seemed to be pretty effective. I would remind them the next day (if they hadn’t cooperated) why we weren’t doing it. Kids are smart. They get it.

There are good suggestions here, but keep in mind that sometimes you may just have to grab up the kicking and screaming toddler against their will and go on with your day. Don’t feel bad (easy to say, harder to do, I know) because real life sometimes intervenes at an inconvenient moment. She will get over this! :-)

@LuckyGuy when I was a kid we didn’t have a bunch of stuff in the car either. Long trips were the only exception, but even then there wasn’t much.

Driving from home to dance class was just a drive. We looked out the window, talked, and sometimes sang along with the radio.

One of the hardest things to do is not get tied up in long good byes with family and friends. The kids quickly learned when we said that it was time to go, we went. None of this putting away toys or dishes, or shoveling the driveway, or entertaining one more topic of discussion. All that is done first, then good bye hugs, then my coat and boots went on, then theirs, then out the door. Bam!
It is not fair to have them stand around in a snowsuit while I put on my winter things. And it is really not fair to even acknowledge an “Oh I just remembered..” question from SIL.like “How do I depreciate the hot water heater in my double house?” as we are going out the door. I just ignored it and continued talking with the kids about the ride home as if it never happened. (I still do.)
They learned and, IMHO, turned out really well.

If you delay – even once – from that day forward the kids will think there is a chance. Make sure to be consistent to a fault. My idiot nephew bought some vending machine crap for his 3 year olds as he was leaving WalMart once. Years later they would still whine about getting something.when they passed it.

Here’s another free lesson while the kids are still young: “Nope! We don’t drink soda or eat popcorn at the movies. We are healthy and can go 90 minutes without sticking something in our mouths.” It made trips to the movies so much more pleasant – and cheaper. No spilled drinks, no messy clothes, no distractions, no waiting on line, and best of all, as adults, the kids are not conditioned to be eaters at the movies.

Teach them while they are young.

I don’t know, @LuckyGuy. That kind of behaviour strikes me as very rude – ignoring people talking to you as you’re leaving? Doesn’t that just teach the kids terrible manners, and disrespect for others?

@dappled_leaves Nope. Not at all. She was simply being manipulative and I would not stand for it – nor call attention to it in front of the kids. When I have my coat on and am putting on their boots that is not the time to start any discussion other than “Drive safely” or “Have a good trip.” Sometimes she’d start in with “Nice coats,... boots,..., hats,..etc. where did you get those? ” Note, these are the same coats, hats, boots, etc the boys wore when they came into the house. but she would not bring it up then. I would just answer “Thank you” and they learned to do the same.
When visiting there was always ample time to discuss things but she’d regularly play that game as we were leaving. And I would not play.
My kids benefited.

@LuckyGuy Ah, so you’re talking about how you interacted with only one specific person, not everyone? I thought it was more general advice.

I don’t think of it as modeling disrespect. I believe it is a matter of modeling self-respect and the setting of boundaries. When I tell my children that we are leaving in 2 minutes, and an adult decides it’s the right time to hold us all up – if I engage them, I am telling my kids that I really didn’t mean 2 minutes. I only mean “2 minutes unless someone wants to talk to me about something”.

@hominid That is a better word: “boundaries”. If it is time to go, we’ve said good byes, I’m dressed and they are getting dressed, nobody has the right to derail the process and confuse them. Don’t bring up any other discussion or ask the kids about school as we are out the door. There was plenty of time to talk about it earlier.
If it is really important call me when I get home in 30 minutes.

She’d also pull the “Oh, before you go, can you help me with XYZ.” XYZ could have been done hours ago but she’d wait. My answer was always “Sorry. We’re leaving now. I’ll get it next time.” She learned.

@LuckyGuy My Mom always did that too; a thousand new requests when it was time to go.

@janbb Did you fall for it? I wouldn’t give an inch – even if I had the time and was willing.

It was manipulation, plain and simple. I would not let my kids get sucked into it.

Early on I started giving my kids 5 minute notice. I’d just say, “Five minutes!” and in 5 minutes we left. It just gave them some time to acclimate to the disappointment. They’d groan when I said “five minutes!” but I don’t recall having any problems when it was time to go. I never fell for “Just one more 5 minutes?” Never.

Maybe just some notice would help? But overall, it sounds like you’re doing fine. Poor wife, though.

@janbb and @LuckyGuy my husband’s family, and my husband, are SO BAD about that. From the time Rick says, “Well, you ready to go?” to the time we get out the door averages about 45 minutes. Big Fat Greek Goodbyes Suck.

Every kid is different, so it’s hard to say what will work for your little one.

What I found helpful for us was giving them a warning for them to anticipate us leaving. The whole you have 5 minutes thing—but in a neutral position. As in, I wasn’t moving towards the door yet. When it was time to go, it was time to go. My movement towards the door was the non-negotiable signal that time was up.

When I used to give them the five minutes heads up while standing by the door, I noticed they were more likely to drag it out.

And like @hominid already mentioned, a transitional object is also super helpful.

We also employ the @LuckyGuy method. Out the door is out the door regardless of toys or other adults. It is a bit rude. But so is derailing a parent from trying to get a kid out the door without an incident. For the most part, I don’t think the people we personally deal with are being manipulative. They’re just oblivious.

PS CONGRATULATIONS!!

Just a quick thank you and update. You all really helped.

What’s ended up helping was a combination of a few ideas.

- I started trying @longgone‘s suggestion about saying what you actually need instead of a consistent nicety. “I’m hungry and want to go home, do you want some lunch/dinner/snack with me?” instead of “it’s time to go home”, sometimes it works directly, sometimes not, but I feel like it opens conversation and I feel better saying it.
– We practiced quite a bit. We’d practice “leaving” when we were just going to the living room, or after a bath. Basically we walked through whatever we need to do to be “ready” and then she would hold my hand to leave. It’s similar to what they do at school, so I think that helped.
– She seems to develop these little routines at different places, and if we go through the routine all is well, if not, she feels like I’m robbing her of something. At the playground she has to go down the big slide one last time, then she has to go through the sandbox, then she has to empty her shoes. Then she’ll walk right over and take my hand. So if I can start the process a little earlier, we can do all that, and life is good.
– I just had to eventually realize that (at least for me) starting the process early really helps me keep from being stressed out and it goes better.

Thanks again for taking the time.

Thanks for the update @funkdaddy. I’m glad things are going better for you.

I’m not any kind of expert, just done a lot of reading, but I would say at this stage it is normal for a toddler to behave in this way. I would be concerned however in a year or so if she is still very insistent on the routines and if they are multiplying rather than lessening. I would be thinking about talking to her doctor about these concerns. Does that make sense?

@Stinley – Sure, and thank you. The little routines made me go back and look at signs of autism, but she really doesn’t show many of the others. She’s really social, seeks out new friends when we’re out, plays a lot of imaginative games, and has always been really verbal. But it’s definitely something we’ll keep an eye on.

I think to her the routines are more like the little routines we do everywhere else. Before bed, we take a bath, read some stories, and then talk for a little bit. I think it’s that and a way for her to have a little control over the situation. Like the end result is the same, but she gets to choose the details, if that makes sense.

Was there something else to keep an eye out for with the patterns?

@funkdaddy It sounds like she’s doing fine to me.

@janbb Yes, me too.

I am perhaps projecting slightly as I have worries about my younger daughter who is nearly nine now. One of the things I have been reading is that girls who are mildly autistic and who don’t have academic learning difficulties are very hard to spot compared to boys because their social skills tend to be better. The symptoms manifest more as puberty approaches. This is an article I read recently.