Why does my spouse often think the worst of me?

It’s hard to say whether this is a general patttern, or only is about the son. Telling your partner how to parent his child is going to cause a lot of resentment.

Hi @hug of war, thanks for the reply. I was not telling him how to raise his adult child. I just reminded him that this scenario has never worked in the past. He does this about other things too not just his son.

Maybe he has bad intentions often and projects it onto you.

Maybe his parents always thought those things about people and he picked up those attitudes.

Maybe you sound like a parent who was always second guessing him.

Maybe ask him why he always thinks the worst of your intentions. You have to ask when you are not having a conflict.

Men generally hate being wrong. Any implication that you think he is making a bad choice you risk him becoming defensive.

Your idea made sense to me.

Hi @JLeslie, I never thought that he could have that guy thing of never wanting to be wrong, but he is a perfectionist, so perhaps that could be part of it. I should try to ask him when he is not upset at me, but it will probably just make him become upset. I will try though, excellent ideas and thoughts. Thank you for your perspective. It helps a lot!

Truly, I just did not want to see him once again being blamed for something that was not even his idea and that is a mutual decision. It saddens me to see him judged as the killjoy when such is not the case.

Thanks again!!!

I had a time when I went through something like that with my husband. It turned out the problem was a friend he road to work with everyday. This person made him think there was motives in everything I suggested. Especially if it was something he didn’t care for. Make sure there isn’t someone in his life that he is confiding in who is making him see things that wasn’t there. I asked him to drop the friendship and he did. And our life got back to where it was. No strife and him knowing that I should be his only sound board. Especially in issues that involve us both and no one else.
So you know. I didn’t really make him drop the friendship. He was starting to see how this person was manipulative and he heard it from several people before me about how that person seems jealous of our life. So I was just the final nail.

@Qipaogirl Is this a pattern only with respect to discussions about his son/children, or does it affect any other aspects of your life together?

Hi @dappled_leaves, thanks for your reply. Yes this circumstance happens with many things. I am definitely a person who has opinions, but I don’t think that people should and must listen to them. What is odd is that I have never wanted anything but the best for all of my family, and I treat everyone in the same manner, yet he seems to need to interpret my behavior as mean spirited.

Tonight, I did not want him to end up being blamed for a mutual decision that was all, and that he can twist that into me not wanting him to talk to his child is crazy.

Do you deal with a similar circumstance?

Hi @Pandora. Wow, Never thought of that. I cannot think of anyone who would be doing that, but you never know. I am glad that your situation resolved itself. Some people do not want other people to be happy, and it sounds like that describes your husband’s friend.

Given he will make these remarks off the cuff, I sadly think that my husband comes up with this stuff on his own.

He does not like that I have opinions in general, so perhaps that is part of it.

Thanks for taking time to share your thoughts and story, and I am glad that you had a happy resolution!

I have been in a relationship like that, and I broke it off with him before it got too serious. There’s an exchange from one of my favourite films, The Philadelphia Story, that goes:

George: If it hadn’t been for that drink last night, all this might not have happened.

Tracy: Apparently nothing did. What made you think it had?

George: Well, it didn’t take much imagination!

Tracy: Not much, perhaps, but just of a certain kind.

George: It seems you didn’t think anything too well of yourself.

Tracy: That’s the odd thing, George. Somehow I would have hoped that you’d think better of me than I did.

And, well… I think that’s how it should be. You’re married, though. That’s a different level of commitment. If this is something you are encountering frequently, I would suggest talking to him about it. If he doesn’t believe he’s doing it, perhaps try some couples counseling.

Maybe he’s just projecting his guilty feelings.
Tell him I said to stop being an asshole.

@dappled_leaves that is a great film, and a great quote! Words to live by, and you are right, you do want those you love to think the best or better of you. I am glad that you put an end to your relationship that was plagued by this circumstance. What do you think caused you ex to behave toward you this way?

I do try to discuss it, and maybe if I can just have the chat not on the heels of a disagreement, I might fare better. He knows he does it, but he tries to justify it which is strange. I love it when people tell you that they “know” what you are thinking! Really???

Thanks again for your time and suggestions, I really appreciate it!

@cheebdragon Thank you for the big smile. I think that this is behavior of the ass“ish” variety as well.

The projection part could be right. I perhaps sometimes say things that do smack a bit of circumstances that he is at pains to acknowledge. This whole circumstance is not new, and he often laments being forced to be the “bad guy” and dislikes it, yet part of him maybe feels that he must continue to occupy this role. My suggesting otherwise could bring guilt.

Thank you,I appreciate the observation!

He is projecting all the negativity he feels onto you..so unfair, it’s like that saying we hurt the ones nearest to us..well he is venting/throwing all of what’s going on with him out on you which is not a good thing. I always believe communication is key, so tell him how this is making you feel once that is out in the open he’ll have no excuse to say “I didn’t know” BUT if he then continues to make you feel bad by his actions then it’s time as much as you love him to have a serious think about where you truly stand in this relationship, because frankly if the one who’s supposed to love you Only thinks bad things about you tell me where is the love?...don’t make excuses for his bad behavior love is a beautiful thing to share it shouldn’t hurt ask yourself truthfully is this love that he’s giving/that you’re feeling i’m sure you already know the answer. Good Luck.

Sounds like a few things might be going on at the same time.

As a few folks have mentioned, giving advice about parenting can be highly loaded, whether or not it’s reasonable advice.
It also sounds like in the case of his son and ex what he needs more of is plain sympathy than a solution. This phenomenon happens more often when women are telling men about some problematic situation and men habitually try to ‘solve’ the problem and what the woman wanted was someone to listen and just be supportive, but the same thing happens the other way around, too. If his ex is either looney or hostile enough to suggest the travel thing without any means to back it up he’s has an unsolvable battle on his hands – probably why he divorced her. This is understandably a HOT SPOT for him… so just let him talk, and let him know you’re there for him. At the end of the day it’s his business, not yours.

In my experience perfectionists are usually terribly insecure and themselves hate advice. I find it hard to be patient with people like that because they’re unfair – when you do something it’s “obvious” you should have known better or obvious you were scheming to hurt him but when he does something well it’s obvious there a “reason”. Bullshit. That’s a kind of bullying.
Oddly the only method I found that works with perfectionists is to exaggerate their petty accomplishments and also trumpet your own so it trivializes the genius all around and puts you both on the same footing. This can be work for someone who isn’t used to trumpeting their own petty accomplishments or for someone who isn’t naturally competitive but it can help.

His response to question your motives when you’re trying to help is the more troubling in my mind. He should trust you, even if he doesn’t agree with you.
There are training programs for couples to learn methods of communication during conflict that teach folks to stick to point while being harmless. It can be the best investment you ever made if both parties are willing to learn and willing to behave differently under stress than they did in the past. It’s not hard but unless there is a commitment to do that, by both parties, it can’t work. Without that sort of agreement about boundaries and cooperation, people hurt each other during fights and issues don’t get resolved.

@Safie , wow you hit the nail squarely on the head! If someone loves you, there should be actual love. He does offer that, but when he is stressed it is as if I become his enemy. No, I do not excuse the behavior, and I have vowed to discuss this with him when we are not in the midst of tension over this. I noticed that he will often remark upon some random thing that happened years ago and use it as justification which does not acknowledge that people both grow and change. I thank you for sharing your wisdom with me! It is much appreciated!

@dabbler, you are probably utterly correct that I should just stay out of trying to solve the problem he was with his ex and son. I just feel sad to see him go down a road and get pulled into the same role of being the villain. Perhaps, holding my tongue is just best. It is not always such an easy thing to do when you fear a bad outcome, but perhaps it is best.

It is an interesting perspective that the perfectionist is not going to want to take advice. I feel silly for not thinking of that before, but it makes a lot of sense. He does not really like to be questioned unless asked, and he does not like acknowledging that things might not go well or that things have not gone well in the past, and I did both of those things by reminding him that past calls of this sort had been dismal failures and that I questioned his belief that this call would somehow be different.

Agreed, it bother me that he questions my motives as well. Of course he does not have to agree with me, but I am bothered by my intent being questioned as there has never been one instance of me being self serving at his or anyone else’s expense. Are you familiar with any programs that deal with this? Maybe some simple tools would be a help!

Dabbler, thanks so much for your sagacity and wisdom. I don;t feel better about what happened, but I do feel that I understand a bit better why it happens. Now to find a solution!

If you were a fly on the wall at my boyfriends house you would hear all about how I don’t do anything or clean anything (Iike I don’t have enough to clean at my own house so I should clean his house too?!?) and yet somehow I’m always moving something and never putting it back. Some people just like to bitch about things every once in awhile. I just ignore it and agree at the end of every other sentence. “You’re right, I don’t give a fuck”.

I know he will read this one day, lmfao, love you babe!

@cheebdragon smiling, thank you! Why do they expect us to clean up their messes, and yes somehow the messes do end up becoming our doing. I remember once putting an empty glass down on a table that already had a multitude of empty glasses on it, and the man said “aww you’re making a mess of the place.” Really????? I will have to try ignoring. Perhaps it will lessen the behavior! More good advice and a hearty chuckle, thank you!