I lost my best friend when I was eight. Everyone always says, “It can’t happen to me,” until you wake up one day and everything changes. We were outside burning insects with a magnifying glass when his grandma called us in for lunch. She gave us two choices: hotdogs or spicy sausages. I pushed his grandma aside so I could grab the first spicy sausage, expecting my friend to fight me for it. To my surprise, he was standing in line behind his five sisters waiting for a hotdog. I asked him why he didn’t want a spicy sausage, and he said that he didn’t like spicy food. I finished my lunch, played with his Lionel Train Set, and went home, never to talk to him again – but not before I smashed his glasses.
It was a difficult time for both of us, because I didn’t have any other friends who had a Lionel Train Set, and he didn’t have another pair of reading glasses, but I learned something that day: You don’t have to lose your friends if they don’t like what you like. At least not always. It’s not easy, but it’s possible to convert hot-sauce heretics and bring them back to the dark side.
When I first started in the news business, I had a co-worker who said she didn’t like spicy food, so she would always order some bland alfredo dish, then get up to wash her hands after she placed her order. One day when she got up to go to the restroom, her food came, and I decided to put some hot sauce on her plate to make a believer out of her. When she finally returned, I watched anxiously as she chewed her first bite. In the middle of chewing, she clasped her throat and looked up at me with tears in her eyes. Her face became red, and she tried to thank me, but she couldn’t say the words: “Did you…did…did…you put…hot s—...I can’t eat….” I cut her off and told her she didn’t have to thank me. Her tears were enough. She enjoyed the hot sauce so much that her face became swollen with pent-up elation. Her nose started running and I couldn’t tell for sure, but I think her nipples were becoming hard, which only turned me on more. She was gasping for air, sweating bullets, and moaning, so I finally put it all together: she was having an orgasm! Some guy sitting at the table next to me took notice. He got up, wrapped his arms around her stomach, and started thrusting. I wasn’t going to let that son of a bitch put the moves on her, so I sucker punched him right in the nose. He went down like Monica Lewinski, and all the excitement made my co-worker pass out.
She didn’t come back to work the next day, or ever again. I think she got a transfer. One caveat with this method is that not every attempt will be successful.
Anyway, to answer your question: I suppose you could say that I’m a natural at annoying people.
~Bill O’Reilly, FOX News.
Notice:
Any resemblance to persons living or dead should be plainly apparent to them and those who know them, especially if the author has been kind enough to have provided their real names and, in some cases, their phone numbers. All events described herein actually happened, though on occasion the author has taken certain, very small, liberties with chronology, facts, and whatever because this is satire .
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