If your pet had a Twitter account what would it post?

sadfijl79qw4rejn,rea4q3jn,klj”

Have I drawn my manditory 2 qts of blood from my humans today? (Vanta, my black cat.)

2 bites out of my food bowl wasting away

I’d like a piece of Kim Kardashian’s ass (literally.)

Broken world record. Ate twenty times more than yesterday. Oh and pushed lady of the house off bed as I stretched to make myself comfy. Preparing for treat/snack wipeout tomorrow.

I like the implication that Jesus could have entered Jerusalem on a cheetah but chose not to out of modesty #sarcasticpooch

My cat would think Twitter is about birds and open an account immediately.

I luv u, I do, I do, gotta nap, no – no, look out the window first, ooh CARS, yaay.
#lazy_day #furry_fun #woof

from my Maltese

Rabbits make dog treats with their butts! It’s a wonderful world!

@hominid just left the house to put something in the car. When he returns, I am going to greet him as though he has been gone for a week.

So horny! Get that buck over here already!

“100,000 years of linguistic development and Twitter is destroying it 140 characters at a time. You humans are idiots.”

#Just scared the shit out of my human. I was hiding in the bathroom when she came in, shut the door and took a shower. I started knocking stuff over. She thought she was in “Psycho”

@Dutchess_III That tweet would be: I was hiding in the bathroom when she came in, shut the door and took a shower. I started knocking stuff over. She thought she was in “Psych

;-)

LOL! (I don’t do Twitter!)

My cat is no longer with me, but if he were, his twitters (twitterings?) during his first months with me would have looked like this:

DAY 35 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 36 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 37 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 38 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 39 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo”. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 40 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies”. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 41 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Source

Why do I always have to share everything with hundreds of my grumpy neighbors? They are all takers and kindness can’t repay anything! I can never get enough to eat, and meal is always the same round red things. Not to mention I may get raped at night by one of those dicks and give birth to something doesn’t look like me at all. I just want a place where I’m completely alone!

Guess whose post it is :P

My ten-year-old Labrador:
“I have now been good for ten f***ing years. That’s it. Raiding fridge and hunting squirrels today.”
#senilestubbornness

The Maltese Mix:
“I just saw a guy. The world’s scary. It’s mine, though…hey! Kid! Touch my toy, and you’re dead!”

#worlddomination #control #squeakytoysftw

My one-day-old puppy:

“Nom, nom, nom.”

#mummy

So the cat next door today. I yelled at her through the gate and she blew me off. #snob

My human seems to dislike it every time I use my outside voice. #silenced

She also seems to lack the ability to read my mind. Such a simple creature. #neanderthals, evolution stalled

My humans disappears for what seems for days sometimes. Maybe if I show the full power of my appreciation when she, or he returns they will take me with them. #scared and lonely

I hide my ability to poo or pee from my humans so they will let me out more often.#pooing like a ninja

I ask to go out the back door, then run around the house and yell to come in the front door. #stupid human tricks.