I am sorry that you feel such hurt and pain. Speaking only from my own history and understanding, I can tell you that we sometimes decide someone is our intended mate, and we cannot bear the thought of their loss. Years ago I was in a similar situation, and the hurt went both ways. He threw the first dagger (not literally) and then I threw a couple of my own figurative daggers. There would be these brief reunions where all would be wonderful, but they never lasted for more than a brief time. All of the same problems resurfaced. I can tell you to this day years later, I still hold those wonderful memories, and can see them as though they happened only moments ago, but the rational part of me recalls all the pain as well. So, all is in its proper perspective.
I have always wanted that perfect, wonderful, sensitive man, and I found him. However, neither he nor anyone else can be those things all of the time. We just hurt each other. It is part of life.
These hurts used to devastate me, but awhile ago, not too long ago, I realized that I needed to love myself, and treat myself the way that I wanted to be treated. I worked out all of my own stuff, and then started taking care of myself by doing small things like taking a few moments to read, which I love no matter how busy the day, taking time to take better care of my physical being and the like through grooming, exercise and diet. I stopped relying solely on receiving love and good things from external sources, and found that I was less looking for my spouse to take care of me, do nice things for me and make me feel good. He does those things, but I do them as well, so I am not reliant on him to make me feel good, I am reliant on myself.
This was along hard battle for me because I always dreamed of the perfect man who would love, adore and intuitively know what I needed. The one who knows best how to make you happy is you! Once you can do that you can see people and situations for what they are both the good and the bad. I wrote to let you know that I know your pain, and you have both my sympathy and very best wishes.
I also want you to have hope and know that once you love yourself and take care of yourself, as if by magic others almost want to take better care of you themselves. The silly tension and arguments disappear, and life feels much better. Then you can find the love that you desire.