How do I cope with a partner who has relationship OCD?

I’m just being honest when i tell you I would not be able to cope with this.

I was in a close platonic relationship with a guy for over two years who was mentally ill and ran hot and cold. Eventually, he abruptly broke off the relationship without really communicating with me. It crushed me. I would advise you to break it off if you can do it to avoid pain down the road.

The lying and lack of trust would be bad enough, but the abuse to your self esteem is worse. I have to trust my partner totally, and a partner should take care of the other partner, not tear them down. This doesn’t sound like anything I could handle for long.

I think you know what you need to do, but you’re afraid to do it.
6 months is nothing against a lifetime of being unsure in a relationship. It sounds cold-hearted to say “avoid those damaged goods”... but hell with it – make the hard right over the easy wrong. You can still be a good friend to this person without the weight of being in a relationship with them.

Wow, I had never heard of ROCD. Not sure I could handle being on either side of this. From his point of view he will never be sure of you and y’alls relationship and even though you are not the one with ROCD you will always have the same uneasy thoughts and feelings. Only difference is that you can be certain that at times there is no love and no relationship.
It might be time to call it over and get on with your life.

He has voices in his head telling him how “they” feel about you? He sounds schizophrenic to me. I’d get out.

First, please know that it is not you. Your partner has a problem. It would be a very difficult thing to talk about, and that is why he was not honest with you at first.

I would think that you might benefit from a group for partners of people with ROCD. You could find out if there such a group by asking his therapist.

After that, I think that you need to evaluate the relationship that you have with this man and make decisions about going forward or not based on the relationship and not his condition.
Do you love him? Is he loving toward you? Is your sex life good? Is he a kind, intelligent person that you love spending time with?

Decide based on his actions and your interactions not on his obsessive thoughts.

I read your link. The OP’s BF differs in that there seem to be multiple personalities at work or something. “They told me that they constantly have a voice in their head telling them to leave me.”
Maybe she didn’t mean literally what she wrote, but it sure doesn’t sound like, “He told me that he constantly has a voice in his head telling him to leave me.” <<That matches more with the information you provided in your link.

@Dutchess_III Just as a point of clarification, the OP uses “they” all the way through their post rather than “he” or “she.”

@Dutchess_III There you go: diagnosing psychiatric disorders again. Just because you are not familiar with OCD, which you obviously aren’t, doesn’t mean the OP’s partner has a wrong diagnosis. What you’re are leaving out of the equation is that the information in the question is coming to us secondhand—from someone who has not experienced it.

I know many people with OCD. Here is a question and answer (from an expert) that may explain the difference between OCD and psychosis to you. Please read up on conditions (at the least) before spouting off terms like schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder. As you will see in the link I gave, a professional does not try to disagnose over the internet (so who are you to?).

@Dutchess_III Also, schizophrenics may hear voices. But it’s different than multiple personality disorder.

@Dutchess_III, @janbb was onto something in noticing I used “they” throughout my post—my partner is genderqueer (as am I for that matter) and uses they and them pronouns, which are gender neutral. I understand how that could have been misinterpreted, but main point: my partner has thoughts in my partner’s head which are telling my partner to break up with me. I’m using they in the singular. Hope that clears stuff up.

Maybe couples counseling would help. Also, just a thought, keeping in mind that every relationship goes at its own pace, but – six months doesn’t seem like too long to reveal something as hard to reveal as ROCD. Plus I’d venture to guess that it takes a decent amount of time to come to care about someone else enough to have ROCD thoughts and symptoms crop up, and that your partner’s condition would not rear its ugly head unless they felt the relationship with you is serious, or getting more serious.

I definitely suggest therapy or couple’s counseling. It might be the only way you can make it through. I don’t suggest simply bailing out on the relationship, because people with those kind of problems are definitely still worthy of love… but, your partner has to be willing to help themselves for the sake of their mental health and also for the sake of your relationship. I think the only time I’d be willing to tell you to consider bailing out is if he doesn’t seem interested in working on anything with a professional.

@rory, first, I’m sorry you’re both struggling with this. It sounds truly awful and I can only imagine the pain you’re both experiencing as you work through this.

I don’t know anything about this condition – beyond what you’ve explained here – but my question would be how well can it be controlled with medication or therapy? The answer to this question would guide any decisions I made from this point.

Obviously you love and care about your partner or you wouldn’t be prepared to invest the time and emotion to try to work things out. I also think that your partner being honest about what they’re going through and their feelings is testament to their commitment to you. If they truly didn’t care, they’re unlikely to bother going to the trouble of explaining what’s happening with them.

I hope medication or therapy can help and perhaps getting some therapy yourself to help you deal with the emotional challenge of managing this problem wouldn’t be a bad idea. If you feel the relationship is worth the investment.

I have not yet read the other comments, will do so after posting.

I would break up with this person immediately. I’ve never heard of this “condition” before so I don’t know whether it’s a real medical/psychiatric condition, or whether it’s just a person who can’t decide whether or not they like you enough.

It wouldn’t matter to me which it was. I’d need to leave and move on, immediately. Life is too short to put up with this kind of crap, and it is crap, but it doesn’t need to be your crap.

If this person needs to get psychiatric help, then so be it, but you shouldn’t have to bear any of the crappy treatment that will keep coming at you from this person if, or if they don’t, get treatment.

Please don’t buy into this person saying they’re “being honest with you” crap either. Lots of times people will say they are “just being honest” so they can drop a load of crap on you and then blame you, and try to make you feel guilty, or feel like the bad guy/girl, when you say you feel like you’ve been crapped on.

You have been crapped on. This person doesn’t seem to love you. Whether or not that’s because they just don’t love you (for whatever reason) or they have some sort of a psychological problem that makes them un-able to love you, they still don’t love you. Move on, and quickly, before you waste any more of your precious time.

[Mod says] This thread is in General. Please keep responses helpful and on-topic.

Dear Rory, I’ve found your question while I was looking for information about how I myself should cope with my boyfriend’s Rocd.
My story is very similar to yours, so I perfectly understand how you feel. It always hurts knowing that the person you love keeps doubting about you. As you, I really love my boyfriend, he’s a wonderful guy and he is always loving and gentle with me… but I know he always questions if he loves me, if he’s attracted to me, if he wants to stay in this relationship. He and your boyfriend are the first victim of this situation; but we are victims too, and it’s difficult to always support them.
Are you still in this relationship? If yes, is there a way we can message privately about this? I would like to talk to someone in this situation..

I hope to hear from you soon… Best wishes,
Catherine

Is it too late for a private conversation? My Bf has OCD relationship and I don´t know what to do. He just started with this a week ago. I am thinking about the future implications and I not sure if I want to cope with this. We have been together for 5 months. I am afraid things will get worse.

Got to wonder about something like this that just “starts”. What was going on before? Repression? Control? What changed or is this just an excuse to do what you want to do anyway?