How do you politely inquire about someone to a third party if there is a possibility that they have died?
Asked by
rojo (
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April 16th, 2015
About 18 months ago I was in contact with a woman in her 80’s regarding family history. We passed dozens of emails back and forth for a while but then both got involved with other projects. I had not heard from nor tried to contact her in over a year. Attempts to contact over the past month using both email addresses she used in the past have been unsuccessful. While not in ill health, she was getting on in years and there is always the possibility she had passed away. I ran a quick email search for obits in her town to no avail, fortunately.
I have the email addresses of a couple of relatives that were also involved (her passing on information to all of us) and am considering contacting them.
I feel like the guy pulling the cart full of plague victims in The Holy Grail was probably a little too blunt in asking “Is ‘E dead?” so just how do I inquire as the the well-being of my original contact without just coming out and asking if she has died?
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10 Answers
Write to one or a few of them and tell them you haven’t been able to contact E for a while and do they know if everything is ok with her. Not awkward at all put that way.
Write to the relatives and say you had tried to contact her, and you were wondering how she was.
(Death is not the only option here.)
@marinelife that was one of the options I had considered, I was having trouble figuring out how to phrase it; it always seemed to be a little awkward. (I hope she is well? Nope, she’s dead. Is everything all right with her? Nope, she’s gone.) Don’t know, hopefully I am worrying about nothing.
@rojo You could ask if she’s on the right side of the grass.
@rojo It’s awkward because you are assuming the answer but it’s a valid question. If she is dead, they know and will realize that you hadn’t heard. It’s not tactless at all.
@Adirondackwannabe – poor taste, but I laughed.
@rojo, yes, contact the others—I’d consider that a nice gesture, either way it turns out.
Thanks @janbb thanks, makes me feel better about it.
Thanks to all, I will let you know how it turns out.
Just to follow up. I contacted a relative who had similar interests. Mentioned that I had tried to reach her without success and asked if they had any news regarding her welfare. Said person replied that they had not but would contact her by email and find out.
I got a reply back the same day stating that she was not ignoring my messages but was having health problems that she was dealing with and would be in touch later.
So, my concerns were unfounded.
Thanks to all who answered with suggestions.
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