What is the most sensationalist way you can come up with to describe a minor injury (see details)

”Owwwwwww this pain in my neck is fucking killing me!!”
My MIL is staying over tonight & she’s cooking dinner.

I’m not feeling very witty today, but I’ve often referred to a lady’s time of the month as ‘haemorrhaging’.

I bent my finger backwards, and burst a sack of synovial fluid.

Yeah, I just cracked my knuckles.

I just fucking stole Oscar Pistoriousessessesssesss prosthetic limb!!
Oh dear, it appears I have a mild case of athlete’s foot.

I am recovering from a severe electrical shock and near trampling.
Breezy conditions and static electricity caused a grave moment of trauma to myself and one of the horses yesterday resulting in not only being electrocuted but nearly trampled to death when removing a static horse blanket from “Cool.”
Zap! She lost her cool and jumped sideways, spun around and then, it took me 5 minutes to calm her down before she let me touch her again and finish removing her jacket.

Wind and static are not conducive to handling horses.

Every time my ex pulled a muscle he would insist that he had actually ripped it.

IBS attack, disembowelment.

Split my flesh open on a blade of wood.
Papercuts suck.

Lard, I think I see the devil a-comin’ for me! He’s got a noose and a hammer.
I’ve got a hangnail

I burnt Ray Rice’s dinner.

black eye

Slightly nicked by a shotgun blast.

I fell down stairs and broke my back.

(Tiny fracture in one of my sacral vertebrae, right down at the bottom). Though to be fair, the shock and bruising to my spinal cord did actually paralyse me for three of the most terrifying hours of my life.