How do I get over this painful memory?
Asked by
kimchi (
1442
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April 18th, 2015
My grandpa passed away when I was very little—about 4 or 5. I miss him so much. I wish I was a better granddaughter to him when I was little because I would always ignore him or think he is scary (due to diabetes, he had one leg). He was in the hospital numerous times and I did not pay attention to him. As a result, now, I want to turn back time and punch myself and beg him for forgiveness. I hate myself so, so much because of this, and cry myself to sleep every time I think about it. I disgust myself and I wish I knew better. How do I ever get to “regain” myself?
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8 Answers
Learn more about him from your living relatives, ask questions about their favorite and least favorite memories of him, ask if you can see any pictures they have of him, or maybe if he had any possessions that you could keep, like a tie, handkerchief, or a watch….it might help you feel closer to him.
I remember being scared by my great grandparents occasionally when I was little. My grandpa on my dads side was over 6’5” and by the time I was of age to start remembering things, he had Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. I was a lot closer with my Grandpa on my moms side, He died when I was around 6 or 7 but I remember he would let me play with his hair and brush it in different directions or crazy hairstyles, lol. I named my son after him (Monroe).
Obviously you are a sensitive soul. Given your age at the time it was normal for his presence to intimidate you. I am sure your grandpa was aware that you were too little to understand. Let it go, it was not your fault. He is at peace, so you make peace with yourself.
As a therapeutic practice you can imagine being with him and say all the things you feel went unsaid at that time.
Also, think about the other people in your life, especially parents and siblings, and examine if there are any things you would wish you had said if they unexpectedly disappeared from your life. Say those things now.
Write him a letter. Say everything you feel you need to say. Ask for forgiveness then bury it in the ground. I would do this every year on the anniversary of his death until you know that you’re forgiven.
Forgive yourself. I know he did. He understood.
You were just a child. Children aren’t sensitive about those sorts of things yet. I’m sure he didn’t hold it against you and you shouldn’t either.
In your dreams and prayer at night tell him that you are sorry and that you miss him. He will hear you.
It taught you to be a comapassionate person and that is why that event occurred in your life.
We are all learning and teaching as we grow through life.
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