What does one do when a grown child starts insisting that certain things happened in their child hood that didn't happen?

Well, we know that our memories are fiction. So, if it makes you feel any better, let go of the idea that one of you is right.

If it doesn’t matter who’s right, what can be done right now to address your daughter’s concern about what she interpreted as a beating? I’m no expert, but I’m guessing being honest and not defensive might be a good start. Maybe stress to her how bad you feel even imagining doing something like that. And while you don’t remember it, you trust her and you are sorry.

It’s just so weird, @hominid. So weird.
I have a sister who has a bunch of false memories, too.

First of all, I would talk to your daughter and ask her not to reveal private issues on FB unless she has cleared them with you. Then I would sit with her and discuss her memory with her – when and why does she think that happened. Was she very afraid of you in childhood? I have been having some painful talks about the past too with an adult child and I have found that as much as I can just listen and wait before reacting, it is very helpful in moving the conversation along.

Was she very afraid of who?

Yeah, sorry I just edited that to make it clear.

No, she wasn’t afraid of me. They rarely got spanked, and then only in the most serious of circumstances and never after the age of about 3. I probably yelled too much, but I tried not to. She has some emotional issues that manifested themselves at a really early age.

It is just so weird. I had a friend who was a hard core Christian, who would probably beat her kids if they questioned God, but I was never that fanatical.

@Dutchess_III I’m not asking you for the facts, I’m suggesting you ask her about her feelings.

(And by the way, I empathize with how uncomfortable this must be for you.)

Kind of afraid to go there. She’s volatile and very touchy.

Accept that anyone’s memories can be false, including yours. I’ve realized that I had created false memories on a couple of occasions, and I’m now a lot less adamant about remembering the past.

You already have some great advice, in my opinion:
@hominid “Maybe stress to her how bad you feel even imagining doing something like that. And while you don’t remember it, you trust her and you are sorry.”

@janbb “First of all, I would talk to your daughter and ask her not to reveal private issues on FB unless” [you’ve talked about it privately first].

What does one do when an adult starts denying certain things that you know happened in your childhood?

@Dutchess_III: “I have a sister who has a bunch of false memories, too.”

It still seems like you are rejecting the possibility that your memory is at fault here in this disagreement. Scientifically, we know that you’re as likely to be mistaken as she is. That is just a fact. The pesky things about memories and why they are not to be depended on is that we are entirely convinced that they are a recording of the past. They are not. Not even close. It’s completely human to be convinced that our memories reflect reality. The fact that you do says nothing about the accuracy of your memory.

Other than the rejection of our modern understanding of memory, what is it about your daughter’s claim that you object to? This may be more important. It likely feels like an accusation, and it is hurtful, right? It seems that your daughter is also feeling some pain. But in your daughter’s case, it’s the memory that is painful. Any additional pain that may result from this would be a result of your current response to her. Why not act on what you can control right now, and respond to her with empathy and compassion?

@Darth_Algar I’m not saying that I would never smack her. I could accept that I had smacked her at some point and forgot. I’m saying I would never smack her under those conditions. That’s how I know beyond a doubt it didn’t happened. I raised my kids to question everything, including God. I would not have become angry with her over something like that.

@Dutchess_III I always get a bit (to say the least) frustrated with you when you ask questions because you seem much more interested in defending and restating your own preconceived verities rather than listening to and taking in what others are suggesting to you. There doesn’t seem much point to the discussion.

@Dutchess_III

Right. You know that would never have happened. Just as she knows that it did. You are so certain that her memory and point of view is false here, but seem absolutely unwilling to consider that yours might be as well. Unless you’re willing to consider the possibility then I don’t see that there’s anything to be done here.

I was wondering more about the psychology behind it.

I’m saying my faith in God was never so absolute and demanding that I didn’t allow questioning.

I think it’s likely that your daughter was questioning the existence of God at a time when you became angry and smacked her, @Dutchess_III, and she came to equate the two. Eventually it melded into one – false – memory in her mind. That’s just as real of a memory for her now as any other. Again:
“Maybe stress to her how bad you feel even imagining doing something like that. And while you don’t remember it, you trust her and you are sorry.” (@hominid)

Take a look at this.

NPR recently had a great story on this topic.

I would listen to what she has to say. I’d say there’s a 25% chance that you are correct, 25% chance that she is correct, and 50% chance that the reality is somewhere in between. Like we like to say, there are 3 sides to the story: two sides and the truth. Talk to her but don’t be hostile or defensive. Be open to listening to her and accepting that maybe there’s some validity to what she is saying.

Kick them out and tell them never to come back!

If you never smacked her under any circumstance, I would be puzzled.

But you say that you have smacked her under different circumstances.

I would read this not as a false memorry of a smacking. But a simple misinterpretation of the reason behind a smacking.

Does that make sense?

I have a sister who totally forgot an entire floor of one of our childhood homes. She didn’t believe me at first until I asked her where she slept in this memory of hers. Oh yeah. The non-existent floor.

We all have our own little realities. Hers includes a beating. Sounds like a guilty conscience to me. She probably felt like she deserved one and manufactured it in her head to assuage her guilt.

@fluthernutter: It sounds like the daughter is referring to more than just a smack.

It can be a really difficult situation. The thing about situations like this is if the person with the false memory feels they were traumatized by the event the way they remember it, the memory is etched pretty deep usually.

I would ask her about the details of the situation as she remembers it. What happened leading up to it, what was said. You might start to remember a different situation that is exactly what she remembers except for the topic. Then you will have the opportunity to straighten it out, or at least offer up where you think she is mixing memories.

Or, she might be right about what was said and fine, but misunderstood your intention and you can explain better what was in your head during the situation.

It’s very tricky, especially when someone doesn’t understand how memory plays tricks on us all the time.