(NSFW) What are solutions to my partner's sex drive decrease?

@RedKnight I’m actually dealing with the same issue with my girlfriend. I feel exactly like you do. In my case my girlfriend is dealing with depression. I’m super frustrated as well, but trying to be supportive. It’s been like 5 months since we’ve been intimate. I love her with all of my heart, but I’m terrified that if we get married, I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a marriage devoid of intimacy.

There could be so many reasons that her sex drive decreased that it’s hard to answer your question.

How old is she? Is she taking birth control (it can affect the libido)? Is she under an unusual amount of stress? Is she depressed?

Without knowing more, it’s really hard to try to give you a helpful answer.

@gorillapaws I feel exactly the same! I am definitely in a similar situation.
@DrasticDreamer She is in her 20’s. She is taking birth control and she has been feeling a lot of stress from her current job which has caused some depression. More backstory:
Basically I’ve been trying to identify when all this began to figure out what could be causing it. There are two major things that I think could be the culprit. She started taking a new kind of birth control when our sexual activity decreased. I have asked her to maybe get it switched. She says that she was on a similar birth control even though the name is different. Every time I suggest maybe getting another birth control prescribed she mentions that even though the name is different, all the ingredients for the birth control are the same as her previous one so she doesn’t think that is the reason for her lowered libido.
As far as her current job, she goes back and forth with being stressed and depressed. It seems like every other week she is feeling fulfilled by her job, but then all the other time she complains about being stressed out. Lately, she’s seemed down when hanging out and she always says it’s because of work, but she doesn’t think work is causing the problem since her job has nothing to do with sex. I’ve been trying to cheer her up in that regard too, but since it’s her workplace there isn’t much I can do during the workday.

Okay, thanks for the additional information.

Even if she’s correct about her birth control having the same ingredients, what she might not realize is that the amounts can be very different. It really is worth looking into more, because birth control can cause severe mood changes because of the hormones, and some of them directly relate to levels of sexual desire. So maybe ask her if she knows how many milligrams she’s taking to compare it to her last BC.

If she actually is pretty stressed out by her job, that can absolutely be related to a lower sex drive, and depression, too. Have you considered, or maybe already tried, having a really relaxing, pampering night for her – with no sex expected? Maybe make her dinner, get a movie you know she loves, or one she really wants to see, give her a nice foot massage, etc?

How long, exactly, has it been since you’ve had sex? If she’s saying there’s a chance she might be asexual, even if it seems very unlikely to you, it’s definitely something you still need to take seriously. The only thing you can do in this area is to ask her gentle questions. Because this is something that she will need to figure out, for both of your sake’s, because there are two people in a relationship. And if she never wants sex again, but you do, it’s going to take a ton of work to make the relationship last – unless you’re truly okay with the idea of never having sex again (or under whatever conditions the two of you set together).

Sometimes a change in diet can help. Trying the opposite of what she normally eats could be one way to go. Both onions and garlic help with circulation and that in turn may help increase libido.
Another idea is to have a luxury holiday away from the usual surroundings. Build some memories of good times. Being pampered and well fed will build confidence and in turn libido.

Does she want to want to have sex, or is she just fine with her lack of desire?

Her doctor should run some hormone tests even being in birth control. BUT, first she should switch prescriptions! If this seems to have started with a new prescription why oh why would she not test out the theory?

There are natural supplements she could take to boost things a bit.

Don’t take it lightly and don’t assume that she will just get better. Also, see if you can find out a little more for your info. If she is an abuse victim it could do this also. I have been dealing with this same issue for quite some time in my marriage and frankly you can only go so long even though the love is still there.

First and foremost, thank you all for all the help and input!

@DrasticDreamer Thank you for that information on birth control! That makes me think that could really be the issue even with the same ingredients! I will casually ask her about the amount.

As far as the stress, we’ve had lots of pampering nights with massages and where I cook for her. I even tell her that I don’t want sex so she doesn’t have to feel nervous about an expectation there. I usually say something like “I just want to cuddle tonight” with a smile or I will just bluntly tell her I love her and I don’t want sex and I just want her to relax.

It all started around 8 months ago. Since then she’s tried a couple of times, but I knew she was just doing it for me and I told her not to. I told her that I can feel when she’s just trying to make me happy, but if she isn’t enjoying it too or in the mood then I won’t be happy. So I just told her we should stop until we are both “into” it. Since then I’ve also tried to get her away from the work stress with staycations and vacations. We went to Disney a few months ago and we’ve stayed at a hotel suite twice with kitchens where I cooked for her. It seems like she’s happy when we go on these excursions(still not wanting sex), but after she returns to work for a week things return back to stress and depression.

As far as her being asexual I agree. If she is, I love her and I will stick with her. I will just have to “take care” of myself sexually from now on lol. I do want sex, but I’m willing to forgo it to stay with her.

@Cosmos I’ll try the different foods, but we’ve already been on some vacations and getaways since this started. I mentioned above that she tends to feel relaxed and stress free, but after around a week of going back to work, we go back to the same place we started(stress wise).

@JLeslie She’s told me numerous times that she wants to want sex. I think she gets sad that she doesn’t because she feels like I am unhappy. I’ve told her over and over that I’m fine if we don’t have sex, but even after I say it a million times sincerely I don’t think she truly believes me. However, she’s definitely not fine with her lack of desire. And I agree about the birth control. Whenever I ask about it, she says that it has the same ingredients as her last BC so that can’t be it and that she knows more about BC than me which is true. I just think it’s worth a try to switch or change up.

@ZEPHYRA I will look into that as well!

@ARE_you_kidding_me I promise I don’t take it lightly. I am seriously considering the fact that she may have changed sexually. She’s told me before that when our relationship started she enjoyed sex with me, but couldn’t imagine being with someone else. She said even seeing other attractive guys did nothing for her, but being with me turned her on. That made me think she was under the umbrella of “demisexual” I think it’s called. However, now she thinks that she may be asexual.

Thanks for all the help!

I did what you did and it did not get better, in fact it got worse. You can’t take care of yourself forever and not get depressed, feel unfulfilled etc. The complete lack of intimacy is taking its toll and will likely end my marriage at some point. Don’t let that happen to you. Honestly, once you give it a bit of time consider moving on if there is no improvement.

I have had this problem most of my adult life. Mine is however due to psychological issues from childhood abuse. My first husband left me due to it (other issues were involved too of course, it’s never that simple). My current husband is very understanding. He would love me and want to be with me no matter what. But he knew before we started dating what he could be “in for”.

If she thinks she might be asexual, I would listen, but don’t jump to conclusions about what that might mean for her or try to detect if she is or isn’t.  There are lots of ways to be asexual.  Think of it like the Kinsey scale with 100% heterosexual on one end and 100% homosexual on the other and alot of grey inbetween.  There exists a similar scale for asexuality and if she falls somewhere between the two she might find it useful to identify with some form of asexuality to acknowledge and address facets of her relationship with sex.

It can be difficult to recognize and understand neutral or absent attraction and drives in a culture that still often assumes heterosexuality in the absence of other attraction.  We can only know our own feelings so an asexual person living in a culture that presumes sexuality can mistake a romantic drive or aesthetic attraction for the sexual drives we always hear about.

I can’t know if your girlfriend is asexual, but if it’s something she thinks is a possibility you should respect that and give her the room to figure out what that might mean for her.  Understand that she’ll probably need some time to sort out what is right for her.  If you want to stay with her (and she you) don’t try to force her into a box and accept that what she needs and wants may evolve and that the changes and preferences she may navigate in no way invalidate the authenticity and validity of her past and future preferences.

I wish you both the the best of luck.  Check out AVEN for more information about the diversity of asexuality.

At one point I wondered myself if I might be asexual. I think that I thought if I could identify that way it would almost be a relief from the pressure I put on myself all the time to be sexual. Is she willing to talk to a counselor about it? I re-read your last response. I felt like I was going back in time to my first marriage. That’s pretty much how things went for us and the things we did. In the long run it never helped. We once went almost 2 years without sex. And yes, I wanted to want sex. I just couldn’t.

@RedKnight If the pills are the same hormone levels it shouldn’t matter, although, if they are generic the hormone level can be off by a legal percentage. Did she switch brands for a reason? Or, did the pharmacy just switch them?

If she wants to want to have sex that’s a good thing even though it’s frustrating for everyone.

Has she discussed it with her doctor?

@anniereborn I’m really sorry to hear that and I am glad your current husband is understanding! I guess my question to you would be how do you handle having a non-sexual relationship? My plan was to just “take care” of myself, but as @ARE_you_kidding_me that may not be the best solution. How do you both handle sexuality in the relationship? The thing about it is that I do love her no matter what and I am willing to forgo sex for her as difficult as it may be. We’ve talked about a counselor, but I don’t think she is very open to talking to one. I will say it is difficult because of the evolution of sexuality in our relationship, but I’m willing to adapt for her.

@fundevogel I definitely want to give her space, but she has expressed to me that she wants to want sex. She wants a solution which is why I’m trying to help in any way I can. If she said that she lacked desire and she just didn’t want sex ever I would respect that and wouldn’t push the envelope or try to find a solution because there may not be one. I really appreciate your help and I will check out the website and try to get her to take a look. I think the main thing for now is that since she wants to want it, I want to help her. I do feel a little selfish in hoping that one of the aforementioned things helps her regain her libido. However, if nothing works and she is asexual then I will have to accept that.

@JLeslie I think she switched brands because of the price. I think before she was on a specific brand and now she is on a generic pill. It’s either that or vice versa. I will ask her later on today after work, but I know she either went one way or the other to a generic brand because I think it is a lot cheaper. She also has a different gyno that prescribed the new BC. She hasn’t discussed it with a doctor or counselor yet. We’ve talked about it, but she seems uncomfortable with talking about it to people outside of me.

Thanks for all the help!

I know she seem reluctant but I would start with changing the BC pill either back to her original and see what happens. If her libido increases again then fine, if not, well at least you have eliminated one possible cause and can keep looking for the right one.

Would you consider her sex drive to have been at a normal (for lack of a better term) level up until eight months ago? I ask because it would seem strange to me that someone would go from a sexually active participant who enjoyed sex to one who does not thing of it at all and gives serious consideration to the possibility of being asexual and yet doesn’t think this is an odd ocurrence.

Do you guys also think that it could still be stress from work based on my previous responses?
I can’t lie…I am hoping the BC or stress is the problem, but regardless I’m in it for the long run.

@rojo We thought the same thing as well. There was actually a period of time between the old BC and new BC. Here is the sexual timeline:
Old BC = Normal Sex Drive(We were having sex regularly and in lots of different places)
Off BC(She went off for a while because she was transitioning to a new OB/GYN)= Lower Sex Drive
New BC = No Sex Drive

That is kind of how it went.

@RedKnight: I think a good question for you is are you ok going long term into the future without any intimacy? It doesn’t seem like there’s any intimate contact in the near future and possibly in the far off future, as well. I can’t imagine that being ok for the majority of people.

@jca I think as someone who is sexual, I can’t honestly say that I would be 100% alright into the far, far future on this course. I know that I would be alright for years at least. I think the main thing is that with this “pillar” of our relationship gone, it just means the others need to stand tall. I don’t put heavy emphasis on sex in a relationship. I think about it this way. If there are 50 different pillars that hold up our relationship and represent a different aspect, sex may be one or two. The structure easily stands with 48/49, but if another 10 were to go down then the whole structure may very well collapse. It’s a terrible analogy I know, but that’s how I think about it. I think as long as all the other pillars stand strong, then I can deal with not having sex as part of the relationship forever. However, if 10 years down the line another 10 things go down as well, I don’t think I’d be able to stay alright. I hope that makes sense and doesn’t sound foolish.

I think you need to double check that it’s really the same pill.

I think she should just stop taking birth control for a month or two and really test the idea.

Does she take antidepressants? A lot of people have decreased libido and even inability to orgasm on some of those drugs.

Is she exhausted? That will kill your libido. Any other GYN problems she might be having? Pain in the area, that sort of thing?

Does she get little to no sun? I’d check her vitamin D if she has little to no tan lines (doesn’t matter what color skin she has) and also check her iron. Her doctor might have done that already.

I tend to think it’s physical not psychological. I think she would know if something was psychologically affecting her if she had a strong sex drive before and now she doesn’t.

This was my problem for around 8 years, I don’t know why it started and I don’t know why it suddenly stopped, it still remains a complete mystery to me 26 years on. I’m sorry I’m unable to be helpful and I don’t know what to suggest but I wish you both all the best.

You need to take it one item at a time. Change A, see what happens, Change B see what happens. Etc.

Of course, this will only work if she also sees it as a problem that needs solving..

@RedKnight Celebacy, that’s what I’m living right now. I still adore my wife and love her but my needs are not getting met. It’s a tough situation to be in so I feel for you. I have not gone outside the relationship and have no plans on doing so. I’m going to leave before that happens if necessary because cheating is just not something I’m going to consider. I’m not giving up just yet though because there are other redeeming qualities to our marriage as it’s not just about intimacy. I though it was stress for her too, she was on BC also but that was not the issue. It was past abuse and from what I am seeing with her it’s a problem that just gets progressively worse. Everything was fine at first with us also. Stress was always the excuse she sold herself but make no mistake, it was the abuse that caused this. She is in counseling and has been for a year without any noticeable improvement. I have an anxiety disorder myself so we understand each other in that respect but it’s a codependency that’s probably not the best thing.

@JLeslie I agree. After talking with her some more, it is definitely a different pill. The reason she doesn’t want to stop taking it is because she says that it helps decrease the pain of her cramps. She said that was another reason she switched BC brands because the other one was causing some other problems, but it seems like even though this new one is helping with her cramps it may be killing her libido.
She isn’t taking antidepressants or having any pain in that area, but she does have little to no tan lines. She is at work for most of the day and so she’s usually tired after that, but nothing too out of the ordinary.
@Adagio Thank you for sharing your story. Do you have any idea what could have caused it or the change back at all? If it’s truly a mystery then we could be dealing with the same type of thing.
@rojo I think that is the best thing to do by isolating variables! I think the main problem right now is that although the current BC may be killing her libido, it is way better than other BC’s she has taken at decreasing her cramping. She wants both and just yesterday said that she wants to solve this.
@ARE_you_kidding_me I wish you both the best! I am the same in that I wouldn’t ever go outside of our relationship. Even just the thought causes an extreme feeling of guilt. I agree in that intimacy is only one component of a relationship and there are so many more. Thank you for all of your input!

@ARE_you_kidding_me Does she know that your needs aren’t being met? She might be willing to explore alternative forms of sexual intimacy if she knows you need that. And for the record, non monogamy doesn’t have to be cheating. It sort of blows my mind that we expect one person to fill all of our needs, it’s an extraordinary demand. If this really isn’t a need she can meet, but the two of you still have a meaningful relationship in other ways it isn’t wrong to consider other ways you can meet your sexual needs while respecting her and the relationship you have.

At risk of serious rocking the boat : asexual polyamory is a thing.

Ok, so the different pill now became a much higher possibility.

Also, about the vitamin D, I think she probably is deficient even if it has nothing to do with her libido. I think that because almost everyone without a tan is deficiient. Some people are symptomatic when they need D and some not so much. I have very bad muscle pain, weakness, cramping and overall have less stregnth.

@fundevogel Agreed. That’s exactly why I said ”... unless you’re truly okay with the idea of never having sex again (or under whatever conditions the two of you set together).”

So, @RedKnight, if she does end up being asexual and decides she doesn’t want to or won’t participate in sex anymore, it definitely doesn’t have to mean no sex for you ever again. Just a potential talking point for the two of you.

Gawd, I have had GYN problems for years that keep me from having and enjoying sex, and I just cannot even fathom choosing feeling sexless to save myself from cramps once a month.

I agree with @JLeslie. I’d rather want sex, need sex and enjoy sex and deal with once a month cramps instead of being cramps free and sexless.

Thanks so much everyone! I’ve talked to her about the pill so we are going to go that route. Hopefully it will be soon and I can update on how it turns out.
@DrasticDreamer What talking points exactly?
@JLeslie She really wants both. Apparently the older pill was causing spotting as well. She really wants to want sex, but she still hates the cramps.
@jca She wants the best of both worlds so I hope that exists.

Would you both be ok with her “taking care of yo” manually or orally even if she is not aroused? Could she do that in a loving way? Intercourse isn’t the only option.

Ok, now I know for sure it’s a different pill. She was spotting and they upped her hormone or they gave her a pill that increases hormone in the middle of the month. If I were you I’d be pissed. She lied to you.

If she was given some sort if triphasal pill, or isn’t letting herself get a period for three months, there are other options. I felt horrible on the varying hormone pills. Doctors are extremely reluctant to give higher dose constant hormone pills, which would take care of her spotting. That might be what’s going on in her case. Do you know the name of her pill?

She should not be dealing with spotting.

@JLeslie That is not always the case. That can happen on any pill. It depends on how your body reacts. How is she lying?

@anniereborn She told him it was the same pill at first and that was a lie.

I’m not saying she will react to a specific pill the way I did, everyone’s body is different. I’m saying she knew very well she changed pills. She was spotting, and this new dictor told her a different pill should help with her spotting and also her cramps, so she switched. That seems pretty obvious now. Why didn’t she tell the OP that to begin with? It sounds like the OP had to have three different conversations with her just to get to the facts. Why?

Whether or not she’d be willing to have sex with you, for your sake. Or if not, what other things (like @janbb suggested) that she might still be willing to help you with. Or if all kinds of sex and sexual options are off of the table for her, there’s also the possibility of continuing the relationship even if you seek physical pleasure elsewhere – with her knowledge and acceptance, of course. Or you do what you’re already planning, which is to sacrifice it all for the sake of your relationship in general. None of the possible options are more right or wrong than the others – it’s just all about whatever boundaries the two of you set together.

@DrasticDreamer Hope you disn’t mind me repeating you then.

@janbb That’s true. If some of these things don’t work out that is a conversation I will have with her.
@JLeslie After you connected the dots there I did get angry. I confronted her about that and she just said that she told me that because she honestly didn’t think it was the BC (because of her lowered drive between Old and New BC) and that she didn’t want me to be upset if she tried changing and it didn’t work. I’ll let that fly for now lol, but her explanation did seem kind of ambiguous to me. I’m kind of in the dark here on BC in general so I think that’s why that flew over my head initially. That is true I’ve had lots of conversations with her about it lately. It’s because besides what its name suggests, I didn’t really know much about BC and its effects. She said that she is going to talk to her doctor and get it changed soon(next time she gets paid and makes an appointment). She also told me the other reason she hasn’t done it or gone to the doctor: Since she got a new OB/GYN she doesn’t feel comfortable talking with them about all the sexual stuff. I also think when she finds one that she is comfortable with, it will help. I will also ask her the name of the pill and the old pill. I feel foolish for being in the dark on this until now.
@DrasticDreamer That’s very true. I want to try some other things before having that conversation with her though. I already know she may not be open to some of those things, but I will talk to her and appreciate your advice!

@fundevogel On occasion alternatives are administered but it’s frankly not the same. There is just no substitute for the real thing where all of the pheromones are flying and any motion or touch is reciprocated with feedback. The endorphins and other chemistry during the simultaneous act of giving and receiving just don’t exist when it is a chore for one of the participants.

@ARE_you_kidding_me I see what you mean.

@fundevogel No, not at all – was just letting you know we were thinking similarly.

@RedKnight Okay, well, I hope it all works out for you.

@RedKnight We still don’t know for sure it’s the pill, but it’s certainly worth considering. How about you pay for her doctor appointment and even half the expense of the pills? Are you using condoms in conjunction with the pills? If not, then she is bearing the entire burden if paying to make sure you don’t wind up with a baby that would cost you thousands if dollars for the rest of your life and possibly be tied to your girlfriend who at this point doesn’t sound to me like you would be sure you would want to be with the rest of your life. Her communication skills need some work.

I do think in the end it’s her body and she certainly shouldn’t be bullied or coerced into doing anything she doesn’t want to concerning what she puts in it, or does with it. But, she isn’t going to figure out what is going in with her body, in relationships, anywhere, if she holds back information, because she thinks the information doesn’t matter.

Maybe she thought you were dwelling on it only for selfish reasons? Because you want to have sex? I’m not accusing you of that, I’m just saying she might have perceived it that way and been angry or annoyed? I’m totally guessing what might be in her head.

I know when I had a lot of GYN trouble I felt horrible guilt that I couldn’t have sex. Mine was different. I was in a lot of pain. I gave a bunch of blow jobs to try and satisfy him (for years) but I was even more miserable doing that. I won’t go into the whole story, but sex troubles wreak havoc on relationships. It is one of the greatest disappointments of my life. I think I am more upset about it than him. The dynamic is strange. For whatever reason he accepts this is the health issue we have to deal with and I still resist it and feel like I should be able to get better. I have been married over 20 years, we have dealt with the situation that was dealt to us, but if changing a BC pill or a little pain once a month could fix everything I would be so incredibly thankful.

You both are in your twenties I think you said, so she is young and probably really did think it wasn’t the pill. Didn’t understand it might be. Unfortunately, as we get older we begin to understand how imperfect doctors, pharmaceuticals, even lab results can be.

@JLeslie I actually offered, but I don’t think she wants that. She believes in being independent and lots of times she wants to do things on her own. She feels like if I’m paying she’s too dependent and isn’t doing things on her own. I think at its core, she is just embarrassed to bring it up with a doctor that she doesn’t know very well. She’s only been to the new OB/GYN one or two times. Also, we definitely make sure to stay protected. I do want to be with her and envision us getting married. Even still, we are definitely not planning or ready for children anytime in the near future.

Also, I definitely agree with you. It’s her body and I don’t want to pressure her either. The only reason I’m being so involved is because she’s expressed to me multiple time that she wants to want sex. She has cried about it because she says she wants her body to be the way it used to and she is afraid that she won’t be the same. That is why I really want to help. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to have sex, but I put her feelings before my sexual desire. I want her to be happy because if we are having sex and she isn’t happy then it’s still meaningless to me.
I can see that too. I hope she doesn’t think that. :/ I’ve tried to convey that I’ll be happy and won’t leave her even if we don’t have sex. I want her to be at ease and not feel pressured. That’s also why I told her I don’t want to have sex until she wants to. I don’t want to do it until she’s into it because I can tell when she’s not and it makes me disgusted with myself. Similar to @ARE_you_kidding_me if one person isn’t into it, then the experience is not the same. If she’s not into it, I just feel like I’m forcing myself on her or being selfish and that makes me feel bad.

Your story really helps shed light on everything too. She doesn’t do oral, but even still I wouldn’t want her to in this state for that very reason. I wouldn’t want her to feel guilty or bad or unsatisfied. Also, I’d feel bad because of the entire situation and not being able to satisfy her. I too am hoping that one of those changes will solve the problem, but I am willing to work with whatever happens because I do love her. I wouldn’t break up over sex.

We are in our twenties. I can also agree that all those things can definitely be imperfect.

With all that said, I do understand that sex is still a big factor in relationships. I understand, like you said, that sex troubles can wreak havoc…I’m just really hoping things turn out well. I don’t want you all to think I’m some sex-crazed maniac just wanting to get in her pants. I really do care about her state of mind and her feeling better emotionally. Yes, I do like sex, but I really just want her to be happy and not feel sad anymore. It just happens to be that what’s causing her emotional strain and trouble is sex related. Sorry about rambling. I hope all of that makes sense…

@RedKnight You sound like a lovely and loving person. She is lucky to have such a great guy on her team.

@RedKnight You sound like a great guy.

I don’t really understand being embarrassed or afraid of telling a doctor what’s going on, but I know some people are like that. I would say if she currently has a male doctor, maybe she would be more comfortable with a female? I’m not saying female doctors are better or necessarily more understanding, I’m only thinking about your gf’s comfort level to tell all.

“Similar to @ARE_you_kidding_me if one person isn’t into it, then the experience is not the same. If she’s not into it, I just feel like I’m forcing myself on her or being selfish and that makes me feel bad.”

Yep, that’s exactly how it feels. Especially when it also stirs up her past shit.

@janbb @JLeslie Thank you so much for saying that! Also, she hasn’t gone to the doctor yet, but is taking time off the pill until she does go in for a change. We will see what happens! Thank you all so much for your kind words and all of your help.