How can I support her choices?

Is it possible that there’s more to the issue than she is telling you or that you understand, (in other words, two sides to the story, actually three sides) and so you are misunderstanding?

You are losing respect for her because she sees ”we” in the marriage instead if ”mine” and *his” as you see hers, and his? Did you help her buy any of that stuff? Do you own any of it with her? If you believe she is giving up so much, why don’t you do whatever, make whatever sacrifices you have to make to buy the house from under her and keep it in the family so if one day he passes before her, you can present it back to her. It is her stuff, she bought it, and if she wants to jettison it for the man of which she is one flesh with, I have to take my hat off to her, and she is not even my mother. People have given up less, and it was for people they weren’t married to. I think it is a bold statement of her commitment to love and the marriage.

Her choice is hers alone, just like yours is. She has to accept the consequences as would you. You don’t have to support the decision but that doesn’t stop you from supporting her.

However, you don’t have to listen to her complain about her choices and the consequences of those choices. If and when she comes to you with her issues and complaints remind her that she made the choice and you refuse to support or deal with her consequences.

It doesn’t seem like wanting a garage is all that extreme. I get the impression that the dream house is a rental. If not they could add a garage, it’s not that expensive.

I’d go with @Jaxk on this. Build a workshop, garage. A lot less headaches than those associated with moving. If he won’t even give it any consideration perhaps there is more to it.

Sounds like he wants a man cave.

When they first moved in together, she gave up 80% of her items because he didn’t like anything antique and she had been collecting antiques for a few decades because that’s what she liked. Their entire relationship has been that way ever since.
If he complains about anything (there isn’t much he doesn’t complain about), she will go out of her way to change things, even when it financially fucks her over.
I suggested that they build a garage on the side of the house, or rent a storage unit down the street, she agreed it would be a good idea but when she presented the idea to him he said “but I want property too”.
I have yet to see him give up or compromise on anything, it’s always her that gives in and goes above and beyond. No one in the family likes him anymore because they’ve seen what she goes through to keep him happy.

She paid $8,000 for a custom backyard bar/grill that he wanted…..it’s been used 4x in the 3 years since it was built.

She sounds co-dependent and lacking in self esteem to cater to the husbands every whim when there is no reciprocity. Nothing you can do other than let her know you don’t want to listen to her complaining about her sacrifices when she is allowing herself to be led to the slaughter.
Oh man..I am so glad I am no longer married and having to deal with power struggles and sacrifices. haha

When I was a teen, my mom married my stepfather. At the time, I was resentful that she, a professional woman with a Master’s Degree, behaved in a way that I considered somewhat submissive and subservient. Now, over 30 years later, they’re still together, he has a great education and career of his own, she’s still passive but a bit bolder, and my attitude is, “it’s not my relationship and apparently it works for them” so it no longer bothers me.

@cheebdragon I suggested that they build a garage on the side of the house, or rent a storage unit down the street, she agreed it would be a good idea but when she presented the idea to him he said “but I want property too”.
If he did not have property when she met him, she should have taken the time to determine his cajones were tied up in the acreage he owned, then figured a way to get him his ”cajones” while still keeping what she had if he wasn’t budging.

I have yet to see him give up or compromise on anything, it’s always her that gives in and goes above and beyond.
In all fairness, your information comes by what you see or what is filtered through her. He may have given up stuff, you just wasn’t witness to it, and have not observed it.

You are just going to have to change your expectations regarding respect for your mother. There is nothing you can do about her decisions. My sister, who has been like a mother to me, married a wanker from hell that sounds a lot like this man. He is also judgemental, stone deaf, and rude. She drinks a lot and is addicted to rx painkillers. I have decided that I love and respect her even though she has to kiss this insufferable pig’s arse on a daily basis. she’s going to retire soon and I can’t imagine her having to spend all day with him.

She is your mom, and you love her. Presumably, she loves your stepfather. If she has considered this decision, then you should support it. You don’t have to like it, just support it. Just as you would want her to support decisions that you make about your own life that she may not like.

You ever consider that she gives in because she’s tired of her creation and it gives her a perfect excuse to start over. Plenty of times I do things and get it exactly as I wanted and then after a few years I grow bored with it. So she figures he lives there too and deserves to have a thing or two. Maybe everyone can start bothering him to to hurry up and get the garage so they can bring their car over to have him work on it. The more enthusiastic everyone seems to use his garage the less likely he will want to actually build it. No one likes forced labor or moochers. So he will find excuses not to build it.

As for losing respect for your mom. What she does or doesn’t do has nothing to do with you. Your relationship is separate and I always feel its disrespectful when a child decides they know what is best for their mom. Love her and support her and be her friend, but don’t step into the role of disapproving parent. It will only ruin your relationship. You can try to assist her but don’t try to control her life. She raised you and loved you all these years. Love her back and give her as shoulder to lean on. Like she did for you all these years.

You’re sounding as if you wish you could change the entire dynamics of THEIR relationship. As much as you might want to and think she will be better off, the plain fact is that this is the way it’s been with the two of them for years and years. You can’t change that.

IF she gets fed up with his selfishness and decides to make a stand, that’s one thing.

But she isn’t doing that. Basically she’s just bitching about it. If she ever decides she wants to change that, then by all means, offer your support. But she is the only one who can do that.

If you’re tired pf fistening to her complain about it while doing nothing about it then tell her so. But that’s about all you can do.

Realistically, this is apparently how their relationship works. And the bottom line is that it is THEIR relationship, as difficult as that is to observe.

She gets treated like a doormat and she won’t say shit about it to him out of fear that he will leave.
I don’t care what she does with her money as long as it makes her happy but the amount of debt she has taken on to satisfy his every whim is not making her happy, it’s stressing her the fuck out.
It’s not even so much about the fact that he wants to move, it’s that even though he knows she has MS and he knows that she can barely see enough to drive 4–5days a week (In all honesty the DMV would most likely consider her legally blind if they knew how bad her vision gets), instead of looking for a home closer to her job, he wants to move 10–20 miles farther away, meaning she would have to drive almost 200 miles everyday to get to work and back.

She’s my mom and I’ll always love her, but I refuse to watch her life be dictated by a guy because she’s afraid to say no. She can do what she wants but I don’t want to hear shit about it.

@cheebdragon The frustration that you are experiencing is understandable. Many children who care about a parent’s well-being have been through similar circumstances. What most discover is that it is beyond their control as long as the parent is of sound mind.

For whatever reason, your mother has chosen to stay with him yet use you to complain about her concerns. It isn’t fair to you. The next time she attempts this, why not ask her if she just wants to vent or problem-solve? If it’s the former, either sit back and tune it out or deny the request.

I’m so sorry @cheebdragon. :( What would happen if you refuse to listen to her any more? What would she do?