How do you quantify your marriage to those who say it was unnecessary?

Sorry, I don’t have to justify if I am married to my partner or not, or what sort of ceremony we chose to have. The “big useless” or “little useless” ceremony, as the case may be, was for me, my husband and our families.

I’m with @Inara27 . None of their business. I’d probably say something like, ‘Well, just as well it wasn’t your time and money we spent then.’ (I should add, though, that I’ve never been in that situation. Never did the big wedding thing but that’s just me. I didn’t live near my family.)

I’d have no need to, such an opinion would come from a person that’s not worth my time or energy.

I don’t. I agree with @Inara27. I don’t need to justify my marriage to anyone. If other people don’t see the value in marriage, that’s their right. However, my marriage isn’t their business and their views won’t affect my choice to marry. The only person whose opinion I care about in relation to our marriage, is my husband’s. Similarly with how a couple choose to celebrate their marriage. Not my business and mine wasn’t theirs.

Rather a silly question for an outsider to ask about my marriage. As others have said, I don’t need to quantify or justify or prove what is at its most basic – a personal decision. And in particular, one that is driven by emotion, not concrete facts.

If someone asked me to quantify something like why I married someone, I would say “you wouldn’t understand if you have to ask”, or something similar.

Tax breaks and not having our kids teased for being bastards on the playground. :P

Otherwise, getting legally married didn’t change much for us.

Otherwise, getting legally married didn’t change much for us.¬
^ Therein lies on of the ”big guns” those who shun marriage like the plaque uses; they know they love each other so why go through will all the hassle and expense. Giving the kid a name is a non-starter these days. There are so many ”baby mamas” and so many ”baby daddies” out there I would guess 4 in 10 children are raised in a house without their father. There is hardly a stigma to it. If you care nothing, or so little, about tax breaks it is no plus to being married even if it is not the main motivation.

I would just say when that person is married 20+ years then they will understand why it’s important. It does make a difference. I’m not saying it’s impossible to have as deep a commitment without the papers, but I think usually people who have been married a long time feel united in a way that would not have been the same if they hadn’t been married.

People can do whatever they want, I’m not trying to preach marriage, I’m just saying most people who aren’t married don’t really know what it is like to be married, especially not long term. The good and the bad.

@JLeslie I disagree, I have been married for many years now; I did not see the importance of having the government and/or the church giving their official stamp to my personal relationship with my wife to begin with and even after all these years I have not yet seen the necessity. Had we not had the little ceremony and paid the fee to get that little piece of paper we would still be together. It is not what they think that binds us but our feelings and respect for each other
We were living together for about three years before it became “official” and we did so mainly because of our respective families outlook and expectations. We were married in the church my wifes family attended and years later I found out that the priest told my M-I-L before the service that he was reluctant to perform the ceremony because he did not believe our marriage would last six months.

@JLeslie I have to agree with @rojo. Getting married didn’t really change our relationship or our commitment to each other.
We were living together for seven years before we got married. Maybe that makes the difference in perspective.

@Hypocrisy_Central I was mostly joking about the bastard thing. We know plenty of couples who never legally got married, but have a family and are committed to each other. Also, just because we didn’t think it was a big deal, doesn’t mean that we shun it. I get that the expense may be a turn off. Otherwise, having a wedding was a lot of fun.

What was more of a turn off was all of the drama that comes with a wedding. But in retrospect, it’s actually a good thing. It helps you weed out all of the crazy people who really aren’t your friends. Weddings can be a good (though admittedly expensive) way to move forward in your life with drama-free people.

Well shit, here I thought I was pretty united with my partner of 10 years, but we don’t have that piece of paper indicating the state’s official sanction of our relationship, so I guess we’re really not united.

@rojo We were living together for about three years before it became “official” and we did so mainly because of our respective families outlook and expectations.
That tangent there is enough for a whole other question, but I am compelled to ask out of curiosity because it somewhat falls into the thought process of those who distain marriage. You were already set up like husband and wife, less the paper, @fluthernutter for 7, if that worked so well, why care what your families thought? Just go ahead and life as married without the sheepskin. If you had to be coerced or prodded to the altar, I can see why the priest felt it would not last, your outward appearance did not speak you were committed.

@fluthernutter.Weddings can be a good (though admittedly expensive) way to move forward in your life with drama-free people.
That is not really a reason to avoid marriage, if one doesn’t care for all the traditional trapping, they can get married in from of the Justice of the Peace at City Hall. There are numerous ways to have ceremony dirt cheap. If you want florist flowers, bakery made cake, professional photogs, etc. then the cost goes up. Most of that can be done between the bride and groom and a few trusted friends.

I’m not saying you can’t have a strong commitment, just as committed without the paper. In fact, I think using the terms wife and husband are actually more binding than the papers. There is significance in those words. I don’t care if people get married by simply declaring themselves married and always presenting themselves as married, marriage and commitment in the end is between the two people, but I think the words matter.

I do think for some people the actual paper matters, and how complicated it can be to legally dissolve a marriage.

I suppose. Though I’ve seen plenty of husbands and wives who are about as committed to each other as one might be to what they’re having for lunch.

@Darth_Algar Sure. It’s about the individuals themselves. I know for me, being married I feel a deeper connection. I didn’t expect it, but that’s what happened.

I once read that Jewish people don’t need to be married by a Rabbi to be seen as married by the religion. That the commitment is between the two people and they can do their own vows and put up their own chuppah in front of witnesses and God and if they create a Jewish home and live as a married couple, they are married. I like that. I don’t know if it’s true, but I like it. It wouldn’t surprise me if it’s true. I figure Jews throughout time have had to do things without being able to enter our temples or necessarily find a Rabbi to perform a ceremony, or even marry in secret without outwardly living our religion.

@JLeslie I do think for some people the actual paper matters, and how complicated it can be to legally dissolve a marriage.
Is it not an outwardly declaration to everyone does have a union? If you have a ring and so does he, any person with an ounce of scruples will not be hitting in him or you because there is nothing to gain. If you knew a good friend who was a realtor and he/she sold you a home. You gave the money, they gave you the keys. You know you bought it, they now they sold it to you, gave you a bill of sale. Even if you could do anything you wanted with it, you would still want the title that says you have it, even though in your heart and mind you do have it.

@Hypocrisy_Central

I had nothing against marriage as the union of two people if that is what you want to call making a life together, I simply did not care whether I had the written approval of the church or government for what I did; but go ahead and call it what you like; your approval or disapproval matters not.

Why care? Well, it cost me nothing, or little to nothing. It did not make a rats ass to me but it made two sets of parents happy so why should I not do so? My wife considered herself a Cradle Catholic, at the time, and wanted her parents to be happy. Subsequently she has decided that because her beliefs and that of the church were diametrically opposed on so many issues she can no longer abide by the tenets of the Catholic faith.

If either of us want to leave do you seriously think that that little scrap of paper will hold us together or alter the way we feel?

The priest and I did not get along. Our relationship had been tense from the time we met. He was pissed from the beginning because I was not of the same faith (or any faith for that matter) and that, to him, was wrong. I was happy to let him live the way he chose but he did not feel I was entitled to the same courtesy.

He was also unhappy because, in his opinion, I did not take the Catholic marriage prep class seriously. From my perspective, it was geared toward 17/18 year old kids who had decided to get married on a whim, not a couple in their mid twenties who had been living together for several years; and I was having to make a trip up to his town every week to talk about crap that we had already discussed without his assistance so yes, there was some animosity on my part.

Rightly or wrongly, I take great comfort in knowing that he was full of shit in his belief about our commitment as a couple.

@rojo [.. I simply did not care whether I had the written approval of the church or government for what I did; but go ahead and call it what you like; your approval or disapproval matters not.
You are putting more in it than there is. I am just finding it curious, in one breath you say you care not what the government or the church think as to how and if you love your wife 0r have proof thereof, yet because of complaining parents you do a basic capitulation and bite the bullet and go to the alter. I am wondering if you would have made that sort of change if relatives disapproved of how you cared for you lawn, raised children, maintained your home, that you would eventually do it their way to silence their criticism.

@Hypocrisy_Central I don’t know if you are using “the ring” as just a symbolic saying, or if you are being literal, but for me the ring is completely unnecessary, especially an expensive engagement ring. I rarely notice if someone is wearing a ring. I love my wedding band, and that it matches my husband’s (his idea) and years later we bought new rings matching (I don’t think they look like wedding bands though) but I would probably wear a ring just for fashion anyway. I didn’t want my husband to spend money in a diamond engagement ring and our wedding bands are just gold, I think they cost $125 each. I like the bands for the symbolism between us, not to inform other people I’m married. I can tell someone I’m married if I need to.

I don’t think I dwelled on the outward declaration to everyone as much as I was dwelling in what the words mean to the individuals themselves. When I say my husband it means something to me. Although, I will agree that some parts of society treat married couples differently than non-married couples. I don’t. If my niece brings her boyfriend to dinner I treat him exactly the same as if he is a spouse. It could be their second date, I don’t care, he is with her and that’s all that matters. I know some family’s don’t include BF and GF’s in family events, and I think that’s awful.

@JLeslie I like the bands for the symbolism between us, not to inform other people I’m married.
I would not say that was the goal of the ring, but it is a pleasant byproduct, because some people would rather be left alone, as mentioned in another thread, the ring is a preemptive strike against being hit on by someone who has you in their sights.

I don’t think I dwelled on the outward declaration to everyone as much as I was dwelling in what the words mean to the individuals themselves
That is one of the greatest things to have that reminder whenever you look at it on your finger the commitment and love your spouse has for you.

@Hypocrisy_Central “Is it not an outwardly declaration to everyone does have a union? If you have a ring and so does he, any person with an ounce of scruples will not be hitting in him or you because there is nothing to gain. If you knew a good friend who was a realtor and he/she sold you a home. You gave the money, they gave you the keys. You know you bought it, they now they sold it to you, gave you a bill of sale. Even if you could do anything you wanted with it, you would still want the title that says you have it, even though in your heart and mind you do have it.”

If you view your spouse like property then perhaps that analogy works.

I don’t understand what you don’t understand. I did not care so whether or not it happened was of no consequence to me but I had the opportunity to make four other people happy at little expense to myself so why wouldn’t I do so? I suppose I don’t interpret it as a capitulation but as a a gift to my parents and my in-laws. Your viewing of it as such probably has to do with your incorrect assumption that they complained or demanded it and they did neither.

I really don’t understand focusing on the rings in any way shape or form. My favorite ring from my husband is not an engagement ring nor a wedding band. That ring is not a reminder of our marriage, but a reminder of an unexpected, spontaneous moment in a jewelry store. My wedding band has tons of sentimental value, but I only wear it about 20–30% of the time.

Men will get the message I can’t be picked up with or without a ring on my finger. Unless their assholes who are pushy and don’t take no for an answer. Those guys won’t care whether I am married or not anyway.

As far as flirting, I’m fine talking to other men. It’s not like I want them to stay away like I have the plague. I guess men wanting the fair warning of a ring don’t want to waste their time if they just want a hook up. I would hope having a conversation with me isn’t wasting anyone’s time.

I’m rarely in situations where it’s just a big pickup scene, so none of it really matters. I’m almost always out with my husband anyway.