How do I tell my mom I was raped?
My cousin raped me when I was 8. I think he was about 13 or 14 that time. He told me we’re going to play a game. I didn’t know what was happening because I was a kid.
I never knew that I was raped until I turned 10. We were being taught about the reproductive systems in class and how do people make babies. I was confused, I wasn’t sure what happened to me.
One time in recess, my friend asked me if I was a virgin. I didn’t know what it means so I asked her. That was the time I figured out I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I didn’t know what to tell her so I just told her that I was a virgin.
Every time I take a shower, no matter how much I scrub my skin, no matter how much I wash my body, I still felt dirty. I felt dirty for being raped. I never told anyone about it, not even my mom or a friend. I was scared they wouldn’t believe me. I didn’t know what to do so I just kept it to myself.
After 10 years, I forgave him. I learned how to love myself, I learned a lot. We didn’t see or talked to each other at all.
I’m turning 20 now, but before I have my birthday in 4 days, I want to be open to my mother and tell her about it. But how do I do it? I don’t know if she’ll understand me. My parents are very religious and strict. I don’t know how my mom will react.
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11 Answers
Would I be wrong to suggest maybe talk to a counselor first? I’m in way over my head here but I expect she isn’t going to take it well if you just came out with it. You can tell me off if you want.
I strongly urge you to seek counseling and/or find a support group before you attempt the conversation. I had a similar situation in my life, and the “big reveal” to the family had repercussions that have lasted decades.
My heart aches for you; and please know that you have no responsibility to anyone other than yourself. Take very good care of yourself and get a supportive professional to help you find your beauty. What was taken from you is much more than your virginity.
You have taken a good first step in reaching out to an anonymous community; take the next step and find a real-life support system.
I agree with counseling, honey. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Be very sure that you are prepared for any response from your mother. She may be horrified and supportive, although the way to she may not believe you.
Just be sure that you can accept her response no matter what.
If you are still feeling dirty (You should not. You were an innocent child who was violated.), you may want to continue your healing by reading a book called Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse.
What happened was not your fault. I’m very sorry that that happened to you.
Take care.
Could you perhaps tell having someone with you for ethical support? Best friend, sibling, anyone you can trust. Her reaction might be tamed if you have someone with you. OR, I would write a letter telling her everything including how I feel. Since she is religious, mention in writing how you hope the Lord will help you and her get through this. Focus on your inner pain and she may see things from a different perspective.
Good on you for getting through it all alone. Courage, you have finished with the worst of it.
That’s a very good idea, to write a letter. That way you can edit and get it just right. Maybe your counselor can help you.
Sorry, that was supposed to read “all the way” not although.
You don’t have to. You do have to tell a counselor though.
If you really want to tell her just tell her. Just beware she might want to do something about it. Will you be ok with that? I can’t imagine religion being a big part of what will affect her response. Unless she is some extreme fanatic, she isn’t going to think of it in terms of religion, she will just be worried about what you went through and that you have kept it to yourself all this time. I think most moms would feel badly that they didn’t have the opportunity to help and share the burden all those years.
If you feel very affected by the incident see a counselor. If you feel like it’s long ago and behind you, you might not need to.
As far as I’m concerned you were still a virgin even after that rape if you prefer to think it doesn’t count in terms of virginity. It’s up to you of course. Rape is nothing like having consenting sex for the first time. You were a small child, you didn’t even really know what was happening.
I’m really sorry you went through such a thing. It’s understandable and common to have a lot of feelings surrounding it many years later. It can affect your life more than people realize. Don’t feel like you have to be affected though. There is a huge push today to tell girls they should be traumatized and full of sadness and hate, but that does not have to be the case. Feel what you feel, be in touch with what your needs, and what you need to do to feel well.
I am an evangelical Christian. What JLeslie said is exactly right.
I also strongly recommend counseling. Go for one time at least. You might learn something valuable.
You say your parents are very religious, then go to their territory; the Bible. Sit down and read with them the account of King David’s kids Tamar and Amnon in 2 Samuel 13:1–21. That can open up the discussion along the lines of Anmon her half-brother forcing him on her, and what if she was tricked and did not know what Amnon was doing to her. You can then progress to saying you feel you have a connection with her because of what happened. If you truly got passed it, and after they hear it they are terribly upset, you can ask them what would Christ do, have mercy and forgiveness leaving Him to dispense justice, or seek to take vengeance themselves. If they follow Christ as strong as you say, they know what the right answer is.
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