Am I obsessing with the idea of being "in love"?

It seems like you only consider him a friend. Love calls many more factor other than a person being nice to the other. Any friend can do that. I think he is very nice to you, but just not enough for you to feel romatically fond of him.

It doesn’t sound like you have what you want in this relationship. I doubt you’ll be able to talk yourself into being happy with it.

You already identified the problem; you will never be happy with him, anything he changes you will just find something else, you have been selfish in the relationship, and there is no ’heat” as you say. The only reason you seem to be still in the relationship is that it is better than being alone, beats BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend), and you have the fear of loss over the desire to gain. You are settling with the comfortable and the nice instead of chucking that to the curve for the passion and heat you do not know if you would find in another, but you would have flushed what you know is a decent man. End this train wreck and go look for Mr. Goodbar and let him go find someone who can see him as a catch of a husband.

Couples that have been together for decades, some might have settled over the span of time because they feel they will not find another, or certainly not another they trust as the one they are with, even if the passion has faded. Others find ways to keep the spark going, if there is an amber, they will find a way to fan it into a roaring flame.

Let the poor guy go asap, so he can move on and find someone that reciprocates his feelings. It’‘s not your fault you don’t feel more passion but if you let this quasi relationship go on one more week you are using this guy for your own benefit and that makes you incredibly selfish and self centered. Break up with him NOW, and then stay the hell away so he can heal and move on, do not toy with his emotions.

I am not sure what is going on here, but I am not convinced that you are normal.
You may be the problem, not your boyfriend.

@josie thank you for your response, I never said he was a problem to begin with. I was just expressing my feelings in the relationship and looking for opinions.

“How have I never been in love with someone I’ve been with for 2 years?!”

Because that’s not how it works. Love isn’t an automatic time limit reaction thing. Neither is falling in love, which is the passionate early stage, that’s probably really not going to show up later.

“I often find myself picking stuff out about him that annoy me such as (clothing, his weight, his friends, job etc)”

Are you sure those are things that would make you be passionately in love with someone, ever, even if they were all perfect? Seems to me like the positive version of that list would sound more like a social status checklist, or at least that the list is about something other than lack of passion or love, and more about things you find distasteful or annoying.

So I’d drop all of that, but THIS:

“Basically I’ve been selfish throughout our relationship, I’ve been with him for so long because I feel secure, I love his personality, I want to get married one day and he wants that in the future too, I feel comfortable around him, I know he knows me better than I know myself (I..I..I I’ve been selfish and I’ve only been thinking about myself throughout our relationship, and I feel horrible) Lately, it seems like everything he does annoys me. The way he talks, looks, everything! It makes me feel like a horrible person because it isn’t fair to him, he is a great person and I feel like I’m being distant towards him. We’ve taken two breaks during our relationship because I wasn’t sure about how I felt towards him, and each time he would tear up, and express his love towards me and it would break my heart to see him hurt and I would get back with him right away, but it was never what I wanted.”

That rings really true and looks like a very clear summary of the whole thing. Ask yourself what it would take for you to honestly just share exactly that information with him. That’s what I’d suggest you do, but even if you can’t get yourself to do that, reflect on what keeps you from being honest with him about this core truth. I don’t think you’re not really that confused about him and the relationship – this above bold section looks like it to me.

You could add that you wish this were not the whole truth, and that if you could magically change it and make it so you are crazy in love with him, you would. But it doesn’t work that way.

And, he’s probably a great guy, who would be better off making someone else happy who will be in love with him, and be honest with him. By not facing and sharing the above truth, you’re taking the possibility of a great relationship away from both of you. I doubt that he would want you to be with him and be unhappy and be not telling him the whole truth about how you feel (though of course it will hurt and be upsetting to hear it). Hiding that you’re unhappy doesn’t work.

“Am I obsessed with the idea of being in love? and its all fake, there is no such thing as butterflies, or being excited to see your partner as you get older? I look at married couples and can’t help to wonder if they’re both in love and happy, or are they just content and comfortable with one another? Is personality and getting along really enough to be with someone? I don’t feel that spark that I crave with my boyfriend.”

These are good questions. No, you’re not obsessed, though our culture has a happily-ever-after myth that isn’t framed very realistically and confuses people and can mess up relationships. However love definitely is out there (just not exactly as Hollywood or Disney tend to show it in simple romantic comedies). There are definitely butterflies. Butterflies specifically tend to be an early stage, but it is quite possible to still be very into your partner after decades of marriage, and there are many pleasures of a good long-term relationship which end up feeling better than the butterflies, but in different ways. You can definitely still be excited (if somewhat differently) to be with a long-term partner. But it’s not guaranteed, and almost certainly won’t be if you stick with the way you’re handling this relationship (especially not sharing your actual feelings). Many married people do settle into something they’re not very happy about in some ways, or in many ways. A good long-term relationship takes a lot of work both on oneself and on the relationship. It can be the best part of your life, or the worst – it’s up to you and your partner to put the work in, and find help when you need it, and sometimes it makes sense to leave. If it’s only personality, then you have good friend material, or maybe not even that if he’s in love with you and you’ve been avoiding telling him you’re not.

I would suggest doing some work on yourself to know yourself better, with professionals, and see a good relationship counselor if you think there’s any hope for the relationship. I’d tell him what you wrote in that bold paragraph above, and let him choose what he wants with that full information too. After all, imagine you were in love with someone you were with, and he was only staying with you for the same reasons – you’d want to know, not be strung along in a hopeless effort to spare your feelings, no? Then I’d do more work and not be in a relationship for a bit, and when feeling recovered from that relationship and like I knew myself, then I’d hold out for the butterflies with someone healthy.

I think you are obsessing with the idea of being in love a little. I mean, butterflies and sparks are normal, but just because it didn’t happen for you doesn’t mean that your relationship is in jeopardy. But I will add this little tidbit… It seems like you’re unhappy with your boyfriend for unfair reasons. Maybe you need to be single for a while and fulfill your fantasies. It’s one thing to stay with someone because they make you feel nice, but if you’re not just as passionate about them, something is missing. Never settle for anyone. If you feel like there are other opportunities out there for you, go for it. But if you really love the way being with your guy makes you feel, try to explain to him what you don’t like or simply accept that he is flawed. Hope this helps.