When someone says single parent, specifically unwed moms raising their children, what pops into your head?
Asked by
JLeslie (
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June 10th, 2015
from iPhone
Do you think moms of all ages? Do you think teenagers? Do you think a woman who planned her baby? Do you think divorced mother?
Or, do you not go to one specific idea at all? Does single parent have a negative connotation to you?
When people are critical of children born to unwed parents do you think they are talking about unwed parents who are well into adulthood and can take on the responsibility of being a parent very well?
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28 Answers
If you had said “child” I would have thought of a teenager raising her “result” of a wild night. But you said “children”, so I think of either a divorced mother or a woman having been conned by some man.
I have great admiration for both kinds of mother. One has to act as both a father and a mother of the children, and the other bravely keeps the children and raises them properly despite being looked down on by the whole society. They both deserve more than what they have.
As a single parent myself, I don’t have that much of an image. But I recognize men and women who are doing the best they can to make sure their kids are happy, safe, educated, and healthy.
When I worked in CPS, we dealt with mostly single parents (mostly moms) and all of the stereotypes frequently associated with the term. Poverty, public assistance, bad decisions, etc.
I am a single parent. Single parenthood is more common now. Many celebrities are single parents which is what I think is removing the stigma attached to it.
I immediately feel intense admiration for any person of any age or gender who takes on such an awesome responsibility…
and to be perfectly frank, a great sigh of relief that the person is not myself.
I think of an overworked woman (non-age specific) who is constantly tired and a little jaded. She juggles as best she can, but inevitably balls get dropped, and she blames herself each time she falls short.
I think of a child wondering where their father is, why he isn’t there, and being entirely uncomfortable with men and masculinity.
I think of a man who loves his child, but never gets to see them. He works himself into the ground to make child support payments, but his confused child doesn’t realise, let alone appreciate his efforts.
Of course there are many potential scenarios. That’s just what I think of before I hear any details.
The first thought that came to mind was of young females knocked up and shuttled off to some some discreet facility run by nuns from days of yore.
It’s a powerful and serious pairing of words which evoke a near automatic response in my head. It’s curious that it works that way, but things like combat veteran or thermonuclear war, such pairs announce “there is no levity to follow” There is a visceral reaction for me, rational or not (it’s automatic). My reflex to “single parent” is “uphill struggle” or “tough odds”.
The image that first pops into my head is of a young female, making the best of the situation, trying to work and provide a home life for herself and the child. Then the added difficulties such a situation bring with it and the emotional turmoil for both the parent and the child that results. The connotations are not negative, more sorrow for what they are dealing with tinged with the hope that they have a good support system of friends and family.
@ everyone who thinks there is no levity in being a single mom…. I just want to say, my kid and I laugh a hundred times more now than before. I had been an ‘unofficial’ single mom for 9 years and making official has made it SOOOO much better.
Also, I bet everyone here who thinks it is such a hard struggle could do something for a single mom they know to make it a bit easier on her. Watch the kid so she can go get her hair done or buy her a petrol gift card if she has a car. The one I appreciate every time is a neighbour who sees me walking to the bus pulls over and offers a lift instead to save me a bit of time.
The appreciation that my kids are being brought up within a stable mum & dad relationship.
It has nowhere near the stigma that existed when I was growing up. The few I was familiar with when I was a boy seemed to be widows.
As a bachelor in my 20’s and 30’s (roughly 1970’s and 1980’s) a lot of women I met were single moms. That just seemed to be a fact of life, that if I met a woman, there was a good chance that she is a mom.
When I was very young, the “unwed mother” designation meant a “bad” girl who was too selfish to give up the child for adoption. My mother was very harsh in her opinions of such things.
Now, because it is such a prevalent thing, from teenaged girls to widows to divorcees to professional women who choose anonymous sperm donors, I no longer have anything pop into my head. The single father is a much much rarer thing, so I assume widower first, then any one of a few other tragic stories.
I guess my mind goes in a lot of different directions since I have been all kinds of single moms.
I was 19 and unmarried when my oldest was born and the father was out of our lives.
I was married to a different man when she was 2 and quickly had 2 more children. it was a rocky marriage and we were separated a couple of times and that made me a single mom a few times.
My husband died and I was a widow mother in my late 20’s and that made me a single mother again.
I personally know that there are many ways someone can become a single parent. (Or unwed mother) Some may only see my first example.
When I hear that is goes in descending order:
1. Young woman under 20 who ended up with a rug rat(s) as a byproduct of letting some guy between her and her Calvins.
2. A woman over 20 but under 35 who ended up with a rug rat(s) as a byproduct of letting some guy between her and her Calvins.
3. Any woman who rented a relationship with some douche who did not step up to the plate to father the fruits of his pleasure.
4. Grandparents who got stuck with the rug rat(s) the young mother produced but wasn’t in shape to take care of or did not want to take care of while they get on their back again to stick grams with another one.
5. Divorced women.
6. Widowed women.
Oh, @Hypocrisy_Central, what a shame that none of your scenarios include joy. I know a number of women who chose single motherhood, whether becoming pregnant by accident or intent.
^ Who says that the women who ended up divorced or widowed had no joy when they had the kids? Joy is never forever.
@Hypocrisy_Central ’ Who says that the women who ended up divorced or widowed had no joy when they had the kids? Joy is never forever.’ WHAT?
I think of my aunt, who raised two children while working and putting herself through college and then building a career for herself after her husband decided to fuck off out of their lives right after the second was born.
“Single parent” could apply to anyone of reproductive age. I don’t have a mental image associated with that phrase.
The first thing that pops into my head is “miserable hardship mixed in with unbelievable love.”
Thanks everyone!
I don’t think I ever use the term “single mom” except when discussing the topic. In my head, single mom is not synonymous with divorced or widowed mom I tend to go to very young a mom who had their child out of wedlock. I do wonder about their specific situation if they are very young. Is the family helping? Are they able to pursue their education and their career. Everyone talks a lot about the baby being raised by a young mom, but I think a lot about the young mom and if she can accomplish the things she would have if she didn’t have the baby.
I never really thought of it as having a stigma being an unwed mom, except young unwed moms (teenagers and 20 year olds) with 2 or more children I admit to shaking my head a little. One child I just think it can happen to any girl and I don’t judge, unless they purposely got pregnant, then I have to wonder a little what is going on in their life to think that is an answer.
I also don’t think in terms of single moms (I’m using the broad definition now of any unwed including never married, divorced, and widowed mother) as having a much harder time of it. I have a few friends who have it easier being divorced moms than when they were married moms. They make decision about parenting without having to consult with their husband, they don’t have to cater to a man who just added more burden to their day, and they feel free after being in oppressive marriages. I’m not saying that’s most husband’s, I’m just saying I know women in that situation.
My first answer was in response to the term “unwed mom”. I don’t recall ever hearing that term used before except in literature or a movie that is a period piece.
As for the term “single mom” or even “single parent” (as mentioned in the OP), I don’t have any preconceived notion, other than that they are the guardian of at least one child and want to specify that they aren’t in a committed relationship.
The SO has two nieces and one nephew who are technically single parents if that status means that the parent isn’t married. Yet all three have been in loving relationships since long before the baby was conceived. They all live with their partner. I doubt that any of them would use the term “single parent” on the foundation of not having a legal marriage document.
Then there are other situations: a male friend who is raising his daughter without the help of his ex-wife, a friend who is raising his two (adopted) daughters alone after his wife died of cancer last year, a friend who adopted a baby when she was in her late 30s and is single, a friend who’s fiance broke it off a week before their wedding, a cousin who has five children by three different men (one out of wedlock) and is twice divorced.
All of these people may or may not describe themselves as a “single parent”. Because of them, I’ve learned not to speculate or jump to any conclusions based upon how someone chooses to describe him or herself.
@Pied_Pfeffer is right…I haven’t heard the term “Unwed mother” in decades. It’s “single moms.”
I too tend to think, right off the cuff, of a young single women who either chose to go through with an “accidental” pregnancy or a younger women who is divorced. Of course there are many scenarios but ” young, unmarried” comes to mind first, probably because it is a stereotyped version. I also agree with @canidmajor in the sense that there are plenty of women that choose motherhood minus a partner.
There are no guarantees, I was married for 6 years before conceiving my daughter and in many ways was a single parent with a husband that traveled a lot and was, in many ways uninterested in our daughter.
I chose to divorce when she was 15 and in retrospect, had I known what I was getting myself into I would have chosen single parenting over a devolving relationship.
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