Those of you with adult children, how did you teach your kids to be healthy, happy adults?

I don’t think you can teach your children to avoid unscrupulous, mean, lying or narcissistic people. All we can do is try to raise people who have healthy self-esteem and can accept when they make mistakes and learn from them.

My children have met and been involved with people who’ve turned out to be unhealthy relationship material (as friends or lovers). However, I think because they do have good self-esteem and are very grounded, they have been able to recognise those traits in people and move away. It didn’t always happen as fast as I’d have liked, but they haven’t stayed in unhealthy relationships.

If we’re reasonable emotionally intelligent and self-aware, we will learn from our own mistakes. So far I’ve been impressed by my childrens’ ability to both have the confidence to refuse situations they don’t want to be in, and so far I think, to learn from poor relationships. I don’t think as a parent I can hope for much better than that and I don’t think I can do more than just be there if they need guidance or help.

I’ve had my own share of poor relationship experiences and I think how I’ve handled those situations has served as positive model for my daughters. They have said they think I’m strong and wise (I don’t necessarily think this myself). Their unwillingness to cop rubbish behaviour from men sometimes makes me wonder how they have grown into such strong, confident women! I don’t believe my own self-esteem was as healthy at their ages.

My kid is only 10, but I’m hoping his experience with his father and some of the bullies at his school is going to help him identify harmful people to avoid in the future. Also, the positive examples provided by some of his teachers and his social worker and my boyfriend are the type of men he has already told me that he admires and appreciates. The fact that his father is not on that list gives me hope. (tragically)

I have two adult children (32 and 34).

The short simple answer is “by example”. They didn’t see me doing stupid stuff. They saw a loving and caring parent who created a household where they were playing a part. They saw that I gave them responsibility and let them fly with their own wings.

Sure, there were some tough patches when they were teens, and every now and then one or the other of them makes some not-too-smart decisions, but by and large, they have turned into good adults.

Teach by example. If you do stupid things, they will too.

What @elbanditoroso says. Treat them as you want others to treat them, and they won’t settle for less later on. They’ll have bumps along the way, because they are individual humans and have their own minds, but ultimately the lead-by-example tenet is a good one.

I think there is a lot of dumb luck involved. Also, you can’t discount their innate personalities. I always said that I won’t take credit for their successes or blame for their failures.
Although no one is perfect, my daughters seem to have settled in pretty well and chosen wisely with their spouses. My son will forever have drama in his life. I still wish I could be the mommy that swoops in and fixes everything, but doing that to much when he was younger probably contributed to his problems more than it helped, but also might have kept him out of jail.
He’s hanging on right now, but his relationship is pretty much a mess, and he see’s a counselor several times a week. (Hey, at least he’s going!)
The cool thing about my daughters is that they are pretty darned wise and now I can go to THEM for advice!

Model being a healthy happy adult, best you can.

The best success I have seen, and experienced, has been parents being good people and doing a good job in relationships with each other, AND with the children. Particularly, treating the children as full and separate human beings, who deserve respect and honesty and consistent supportive behavior. My parents NEVER said to me, “Because I’m the adult”, “Don’t talk back”, or other dominating power plays. Instead they explained why the rules were rules, and why it was a good thing to be good to people and not to be jerks to them – so they didn’t need to do power plays. I respected them and cared about their opinions of me. The adults who didn’t do that, I disrespected and abhorred.

Don’t hide from them information about crappy ways people behave towards each other. The place where modelling gets screwed up, is when adults cover up for other adults, including not telling the kids that their family members (even parents) have histories of abuse. Not telling the kids Dad was abused and that’s why he does what he does, is how the cycle of abuse passes from generation to generation.

When they’re ready for it, give them some information and/or stories about crappy behavior / relationships.

My daughter is now 27, she will be 28 in Nov.
I taught her to be kind, polite, honest, love nature, animals, art, humor, to follow her own path, not be swayed by others opinions, but really….as far as relationships and other pursuits, she has made some really good decisions all on her own. She is very independent, knows what she likes, wants, and has no problem moving on from a relationship or job if it is no longer working for her. She is WAY more secure than I was at her age.

I took my parenting role very seriously and between my contributions and her own unique personality it seems to be a winning combo. I’m lucky and I’m very proud of her. Now, if she would only quit telling ME what to to do it would all be great. lol

@Coloma, if the day ever comes when I’m am old widow woman I KNOW my oldest daughter will try to run my life! She’s already talking about building a little mother in law cottage in her back yard so she can keep an eye on me. She doesn’t realize my husband has sworn to live to 120. He’ll probably have 2 or 3 more wives after I’m gone!

@Judi Don’t you just love role reversal and we’re not even that old yet. haha
“Mom, I think you should” ...fill in the blanks buy a new car, move, take more classes, cut your hair, join a book club…WTF…I am just fine my darling and I’ll do as I damn well please. lol

^^ At least she’s not telling you that you spend too much time with your jacuzzi jets. You know what I mean : P

@Kardamom Haha..I was annoyed at the book club suggestion, seriously, why not a sewing circle of Bunko group. Gah….50 thumbs down to all 3.
Talk about stereotyped old folks…Ooooh it’s bunko night I think I’ll bring a nice jello mold. lol

In addition to showing by example, I think we have to teach our children not to be unscrupulous, mean, lying, or narcissistic people…and tell them why. My hope is that if they understand why they don’t want to be that kind of person, they’ll understand why they don’t want that kind of person in their lives.

PS: Pointing out this behavior, in our children or in others, definitely starts in childhood.

Hi Auggie! It’s so nice to see you : ) I wish some of the newer young ‘uns could follow your fine example.

@everybody, thanks for your thoughtful answers.

We simply treated our kids like healthy adults. In the country, this is the way kids are raised- have you ever been on a farm or a ranch, and seen the way rural kids are treated? They have actual conversations with adults, they aren’t talked down to. They are given jobs with serious responsibilities at very young ages- I had to feed and water 30 horses every day. beginning at 7 years old. I was also responsible for observing the horses and reporting anything unusual- a horse could easily have died if I wasn’t doing my job. I was driving tractors and trucks with large stock trailers all over the ranch at 8 or 9— depending on when I could reach the controls- and this, too, is common in rural areas. Kids are treated like adults and expected to act like adults. Certainly they will go out on Friday night as teenagers and do stupid things, maybe get brought home by the sheriff, but they are kids! Work is taken seriously, however, and no matter how hung over Mr Party time was, he was up with the sun doing his chores, or his troubles were doubled!
City kids whine about taking the garbage to the curb once a week and cleaning their own rooms! The thought of my parents giving me an allowance for cleaning up after myself is hilarious. I can’t even picture my father’s face if I had asked for such a thing…!
But you don’t need a ranch or a farm- just talk across to your kids, not down. Tell them things- talk about your own childhood, times you broke the rules, times you smoked pot or got drunk or had sex. They ARE going to do some or all of these things- at least give them the benefit of your experiences. Talk to your daughters about lousy boyfriends you had, how all they wanted was sex but they said “I love you” so you believed them…lay it all out there. What good is your life experience if you don’t share it with your children?
Your kids will meet bad people, they will be in bad relationships, etc etc etc…you need to give them the strength to leave those relationships, the self confidence to tell that abusive boss to kiss their ass, the integrity to say NO, regardless of peer pressure.
That’s all you can do. But it is enough.