Why would a man verbally abuse his partner when he is confronted?

Some guys think that women positively respond to insults.

For starters he’s toxic, immature, insecure, and a bully. He acts this way because he’s too much of a coward to be honest with you or anyone else, let alone himself.

Time for a new . . .

The more important question is, “Why would a GIRL stay with a guy like this?”
But the answer to why he does this is because you tolerate it.

He is trying to intimidate you into not asking questions about his horrible behaviour. Presumably, you’re not stupid enough to fall for that. Dump his ass.

And you still with him? Today this , tomorrow much much worse. If you have any self-respect and an ounce of dignity, send him off fast! Don’t be a victim.

I just blocked him off everything and said thats it.

But the fact that in his little mind, him thinking he is right and I am a whore bothers me immensely. Like I want to make justice happen by making him understand that he obviously is an abusive little prick who attacks unfairly when confronted rationally.

It’s shame and projection. He’s a scuzbag and he knows it, but can’t admit it to himself, so when something gets him to start to notice, he lashes out instead and dumps all the shame in an emotional outburst on a scapegoat.

He’s in no condition to be in an honest relationship, and you should look at why you’re attracted to him and why you haven’t run screaming. You don’t deserve to be called any of things, and tolerating them is a sign there’s something for you to heal about yourself, with someone else.

Because he is an ass.

It is sad when people are so messed up that they have to project and can’t face their own actions. If it bothers you so much, I wonder who it reminds you of from your path – got any hypocritical parents or family members that that pattern of behavior reminds you of? When have you felt that way before?

@Zaku Perhaps in my last relationship which was very unhealthy because he kept on distancing himself from me and I felt like I had to satisfy him. So the fact that I felt this way for so long in a love relationship, may be affecting this one? Since this guy would be there whenever I call or text, whereas in the last one that was the main issue – to get him to just want me/spend time with me intimately. So in a way the fact that I have that right now makes me oversee the abusive parts, perhaps? Because he can always be there in some way?

It bothers me and I have breakdowns but I always self-blame. I want justice. So unless he realizes his own fault and knows for sure that he is wrong in this situation, I can’t move on from the situation. Me wanting to make justice happen in these relationships is so obsessive it comes in between me and letting go completely. I just want justice and positive change.

This is a serious question to think about. Have you ever had a healthy relationship?

@anniereborn I’ve had two great men in my life but both lasted very shortly. Both were very passionate, loving people who came in my life like soulmates. I was younger though and there was the problem of distance. I was also not very confident in my appearance to make these last. I’ve changed a lot since then though.

@dopeguru Sounds like you are on to something. It sounds like it might be good to work on developing stronger and healthier boundaries in your relationships, as in both cases, when the guy was unhealthy, I think from what you’ve written that you may be tending to relate to it as your problem instead of “oh this guy is too unhealthy to be with; I should find someone healthier”. Again with the previous relationship, I’d look for where these relationship patterns and feelings came from, which may take some time to realize, but it can help get a handle on yourself when you realize where your feelings and patterns come from.

But, great job dumping Mr. Abusive Language!

Another thing this man did is sleep with a random girl the day after I told him I met with my ex boyfriend (we weren’t dating at that point, we were very casually just sleeping together). So he felt very insecure and as a way to prove his manhood and ability to get women, he slept with a random girl right after i told him about my meeting. I found this out months later and felt kind of weird about it because he was the only one I had been sleeping with… Oh well. This is another thing this man is guilty of: ego depending on ability to sexual intercourse/approval? Lame.

He may have been the only one you were sleeping with, but if you were “very casually sleeping together”, there is nothing wrong with him sleeping with someone else.

@anniereborn No there isn’t but he told me he did it because i told him I saw my ex. So thats how he reacts to such situation. He said “You think I can’t get any girl I want?! Ha?! You think Im some baby?!“He would text 100 girls the instance i would be busy or couldn’t reply (this is when we were in fact getting serious and exclusive). You know? So is this because he needs to prove his self-worth through sexual intercourse?

So why didn’t you drop is ass then?

Is this the same guy you ”didn’t want to get serious with”? If so then what’s the problem with him being on hookup sites?

@dopeguru It’s time to get real. Your radar for finding men is completely broken. You need to spend some time being single (like a year, minimum) and get your head straight. This is going to keep happening to you if you jump from one dickhead to the next.

@gorillapaws Nah. He begged me to get together just recently.

@gorillapaws Really? A year? The thing is it starts with casually sleeping with someone and me saying I don’t want a relationship, then I fantasize being with them and can’t escape the emotions. So no sex as well?

@anniereborn Because I have problems of letting go. I see the best in someone and keep sticking with them thinking they’ll learn and grow out of their horrid behaviors.

I think my main problem comes from being very naive and thinking that people are good and that they can be better easily. I am open to growth and change, so I assume every single person on earth is the same. I guess I should treat the world more cynically.

Because this guy is a sick f*ck, and because you allow him to do it.

He’s not your boyfriend. He’s just some guy you have sex with, and he’s a piece of sh*t. People like this man will treat you as badly as you’ll let them. If you don’t get away from him immediately, this situation is only going to get worse. It’s going to escalate into physical violence if you don’t get away from him now. I don’t know if he has hit you yet, but he sounds like he’s very capable of physical violence. I fear that you are suffering from something similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

You need to walk away from this man and get yourself some help. Please! I’m begging you to get some help!

Here’s how and where to get help:

Go online to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you think he might be monitoring your computer, don’t go online, but call them at 1–800-799–7233 | 1–800-787–3224 (TTY)

Or MentalHealthAmerica.net

Or how to spot a potential abuser, how to leave an abusive relationship, and how to keep yourself safe Read This

This explains Why Some Women Stay in Abusive Relationships @dopeguru, a lot of these things sound exactly like your situation.

This is where you can go online to get immediate access to Medical Care if you are a victim of domestic violence. You don’t need to wait for the usual open enrollment periods, you just need to tell them that you are a survivor of domestic violence (and this includes verbal violence like you have experienced) to get immediate coverage.

Please take this seriously and get some help immediately.

@dopeguru I think the problem is you’re looking for guys you’re interested in sleeping with and then worrying about why they’re not good relationships. When you’re ready to date (and yes I think a year is probably a reasonable time to be single), you should go to a comic convention or a local computer programming meet up or something like that. I guarantee you 9/10 guys there would treat you like gold. They may not be quarterbacks or underwear models, but those are the guys that are going to keep screwing you over.

Because he can! Think of it as a crude way of changing the subject. @Judi said it best. His flaws pale in comparison to your choice to be the victim of them. It’s unsettling that you so casually tolerate the prospect of life as a doormat.

Have some self respect. Walk away.

Complete bluster on his part. Trying to get you to back down. If that doesn’t work, he may either apologise (“It will never happen again”) or complain that you are nagging him and trying to control him. I dated a man like this once…and sent him packing soon after he pulled this on me,

I am going to give you some free relationship advice that I learned from years of agony and heartache.
Never, never, never get into a relationship because of a persons “potential.” If they are not already the person you want them to be move on. It’s not fair to them to expect them to become something they’re not and its not fair to you to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t live up to you’re expectations.
If they’re not already the wonderful amazing person you deserve then they never will be.
After figuring this out I really did marry an amazing man and have been living the life I only dreamed of with him for 25 years. He’s still as perfect as the day I met him.

Men feel the need to assert their dominance, because their imaginary superiority is threatened.

So what should I do now? I wrote him something saying this is it, and explained how I’m not a whore, obviously, and how he is thirsty and can’t be honest with himself. He didn’t reply to me so I don’t know what will happen. If he really loves me as he says he does, why on earth would he curse and abuse me like this? Thats another thing that makes no sense to me. I’d be afraid of losing the person. So now that he lost me (because I won’t ever reply back if he does…) do you think he will understand his shitty behavior?

Not your problem.

@dopeguru “He didn’t reply to me so I don’t know what will happen.”

This makes it sound like you are waiting for him to tell him whether you are still in a relationship or not. Why give him all the control in this situation? Just tell him it’s over, and move on. If you are expecting him to say or do something to instantly become someone who respects and cares for you, you are deluding yourself. He is not that guy, and is not going to reinvent himself for you.

@dappled_leaves You’re right… I changed drastically because someone left me. It took a month but I was way more careful and less selfish in the relationship, and it worked. But I was willing to do that and re-think my actions. I don’t think he is that kind of a person!

Stop looking for someone to make you happy, feel good about yourself, complete your life, feel loved and learn how to do it yourself.

@dopeguru Congrats. You’re gaining. Your earlier answers were so naïve it was scary. Yes cynicism sucks, but then there are people in this world that suck. Learn to weed out the crappy guys a bit earlier and don’t waste your time on them. You can’t change them. You’ll just get hurt by them.

“So what should I do now?” – Have nothing to do with him. No more communication.

”... He didn’t reply to me so I don’t know what will happen.” – Good. No more communication.

“If he really loves me as he says he does, why on earth would he curse and abuse me like this?” – I already answered this. He’s projecting to keep from facing himself, because he’s a screwed up person who abuses people, and only acts nice to hide from the screwed up parts of himself. He does not “really love you” in any redeeming way whatsoever. Get away from him, stay away from him. No more communication with him.

“Thats another thing that makes no sense to me. I’d be afraid of losing the person.” – I’m glad that you are aware that this makes no sense to you, and that you’re wondering why you’re afraid of “losing” this abusive scumbag person. You should stay away from him, away from all scumbags, stop having casual sex, stop getting into romantic relationships, and get good professional help until you do understand why you get into these relationships, why you are afraid of losing relationships with scumbags, and have the skills to avoid and gladly leave all such relationships.

“So now that he lost me (because I won’t ever reply back if he does…) do you think he will understand his shitty behavior?” – No, probably never. Not unless and until he does lots of work with professionals. It will take years, even if we lock him up with psychiatrists right now.

Guys… Theres something major thats bringing me down. My mother finds me guilty because he acted this way. She said, women can’t talk over men, or talk much, they should conform and be quiet. I literally had an emotional meltdown a few minutes ago. She kept saying I am not always right and that he is probably right. She is driving me literally insane and Im in shock. Im guilty for being calm and respectful even when confronting him in his dirt? I’m crying so hard now because this is unbelievable that my own mother is questioning my own self in this situation. Im thinking of even calling him and apologizing and being the quiet, nice girl who never confronts when he is mingling and cheating. My own mother made me feel guilty and now I feel like Im the one to blame! God this is so difficult.

Stop right there! Do not call him. Take a minute to get it together. Your mother is WRONG!

Go back and look at all these answers above. All these people are wrong? I think not. But your mother’s behavior explains a lot. Some cultures don’t treat women as equals. I think they are. You deserve to be treated better than you have been. You deserve a guy that will respect you. Remember that.

Ugh. With a mother like that it is no wonder you get into these patterns in relationships. Please, vow not to discuss your relationship issues with your mom. She is human and obviously has issues of her own. Don’t let her crazy thought patterns poison you. You have a choice. You can change the pattern for yours and your children’s generations.

WTF? The first time some guy calls me a cunt, that’s it – no contact, no calls, no relationship. Walk the fuck away.

@dopeguru Is this a real story, or are you just pulling our legs? If it’s real, it is a horror story! Even if he never disrespected you, or he just all of a sudden he turned a new leaf, ...still.

My mom made me so upset Ive been crying for hours now. I need to relax. I feel guilty and I feel like calling him. I know you are telling me no but its my mother who is talking to me about it and telling me i was wrong to confront him in his dirt.

@flo really??? am i not guilty then?

Get therapy for you and if she would go your “whacked” mother.

Don’t be a “door mat” or a whore. Just because your mother is bullying you into relationships with losers.

You and your mom need therapy. I say that respectfully and not in a demeaning way at all. You are a good person and deserve to be treated with love and respect (all people do). This guy is a piece of shit. Run away, get help, avoid men until you’ve got your head on straight, or this will keep happening.

@dopeguru Can we do this in a couple of steps? First do you agree this guy treated you like shit?

Well, the good news is you know where your messed-up relationship material comes from: your parents. True for most people, but she’s given you a refresher dose, which is useful because it lets you see where it comes from. But you should really get with trained people (e.g. good psychiatrist) and work through this with them. The origin and main issues will be with your parents – the scum you’ve been dating are just side-effects of your parental relationships.

And no, you’re not “guilty” and your mom is a projecting nutcase who needs more therapy than you do.

@dopeguru Talk to me. I don’t bite. Much. :)

Do you have a mental illness?

@dopeguru _”@flo really??? am i not guilty then?” Having fun, are you?

@flo Its hard to know it myself when he treats me like I am.

Your mom is telling you to be accepting of a man who cheats on you and calls you names? That’s not very motherly behavior from a mother.

What is the female equivalent term to “Uncle Tom”?

It’s easy for him to treat you that way because you’re too impatient and/or too ignorant to stop opening your legs long enough to figure out who the fuck you even are as a person. You are nothing more than an easy target for anyone who wants to use and abuse you.

@cheebdragon Replace “legs” with “heart” and I agree with you completely.

Just because she’s an easy target for anyone to abuse, doesn’t mean that they should.

That includes you, @cheebdragon.
Sheesh.

Yeah dudes, go easier on her. She doesn’t know better.

“She doesn’t know better” excuse ran out about 6–7 similar questions back. I guarantee that at least 35–50 people have told her that she needs to stop dating and work on herself. Yet she continues to make the same mistakes and then complains about how its not working out for her. I have no sympathy for that level of intelligence.

@cheebdragon Yeah. Her questions make me want to bang my head against something. But I don’t think being a jerk about it is necessary or helpful.

Well I’m not going to lie to her, and what good is it going to do if everyone treats her with kid gloves?....that’s not how the world works for adults.

@cheebdragon Insulting someone is likely to send them back the other way.

@dopeguru “Its hard to know it myself”
It’s hard to know? You told us the story, you wrote more than once, that you “want justice”. You’re having fun getting people to waste their time.

@anniereborn Her mom and boyfriend seem to prove otherwise.

@dopeguru If you “want justice” as you say, you’re never going to be able to hold these people accountable unless they actually commit a crime. So forget that part. But true justice will be you taking charge of yourself and not allowing these folks to abuse you anymore.

It isn’t always smart to ask total strangers what’s the right thing to do, but in this case, we’ve all told you the same thing. Girlfriend, you need to get out of there and not turn back. Get yourself in counseling. Don’t have anything to do with dating for at least a year and pour yourself into therapy or something that will help you get your mind in the right place. I know how bad it can be. I did it and so can you. (LOSING YOUR SANITY OVER THIS WILL NEVER GET YOU JUSTICE!).

Stop looking to these people to make any sense. They haven’t got any, but they’re having a ball making you crazy. Yes, there really is such a thing as “crazy-making”, also known as gas lighting”. It’s a form of brainwashing and your mom and your boyfriend are perfect examples. Here’s a link but there are lots of others. Do an internet search for crazymaking or gaslighting and/or narcissist.
http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/11/15/crazymaking-behavior-narcissist

http://thenarcissisticlife.com/dating-a-narcissist/

Or you could watch the movie Gaslight