For much of my life I was told I was stupid and bad. How can I stop believing it?

Also, lately I’ve been very sensitive to disrespect, “slights” or other types of psychic injuries. I know that it’s just part of life, but it’s hard for me to deal with criticism without being angry at myself or angry at the other person.

I get catcalled a lot in my neighborhood which makes me feel disrespected and unsafe. One of my clients didn’t like something I wrote for her (a rare occurrence) which made me feel like a failure and like I shouldn’t be in my industry. My boyfriend’s friends are mostly doctors and lawyers and don’t respect me because I’m young and female and “hot” so tend to talk over me when I’m trying to contribute to a conversation. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t win and would be better off somewhere…not here. But I don’t know where…

You have basically answered the question yourself! Since you are fully aware of what\who brought you here, then you are ready to throw it all behind you! First off, have you considered distancing yourself from the familiar and starting off somewhere else far from it all? A clean slate, away from anything that reminds you of the past. That could have a cleansing effect on you. Please be aware of the kind of man you attract. I realize you are intelligent enough to see this for yourself. Abusive and toxic relationships will only send your psychology further down, you know that obviously. So, if for any reason you feel something is not quite right, even the slightest detail, then RUN!

You do not need anyone to tell you who you are and what you are capable of, you know very well that your value is high. You have been through hell and back yet you sound balanced and ambitious and highly aware of what sick circumstances led to your low-self esteem. So, the last thing you need is toxic people around you. Being free of such individuals means you will be able to work on rebuilding your cracked confidence. Realize that you have made it and needn’t prove anything to anyone. You have done more than others with help and support will ever manage. If needed get medication if you feel depressed. Go to a professional and ask for medical\counseling help. All the best!

Well you do realize that the low self esteem thing is irrational. The very composition of your question demonstrates writing skills beyond those of 90% of the population, and you’re pretty enough to get work as a model. So you’re smart, pretty , young and talented. What’s left?

Oh yeah! There’s “RICH”

NYC 24 hour Samaritans confidential crisis hot line;

http://samaritansnyc.org/24-hour-crisis-hotline/

Dial it now, please.

Or this one; http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Thanks @ZEPHYRA . Sometimes typing/talking things out can be helpful just to get kind get thoughts organized. I’ve lived abroad 2x right before and after my mother’s death and am not sure I want the full experience of an expatriation with the culture shock, and the eventual repatriation, etc. Also, just to clarify, my current partner is not abusive and is kind, generous and thoughtful. However, my last two relationships before were not so good and I feel some of the aftershocks of the emotional and sexual trauma I faced.

@gailcalled Thanks for the resources but I’m in no danger of shuffling off this mortal coil.

Choose who you will listen to. A holes are very good at that, but the actual decent people often must be urged. Listen to your own heart. Listen to the people who lend some good to your life. Are you satisfied that you are all you want to be? If not, improve what you can. However, being imperfect does not mean you are a loser.
Don’t try to be what others want you to be. They don’t have to spend as much time with you as you do. Make the person happy who will be with you every last moment until you die, yourself.

@LeavesNoTrace:

Phone number one is for all kinds of crises.

Why do I feel so shitty and why can’t I stop crying? I’d hate for it to be because I’m just crazy but there’s got to be some way to break the cycle too…

Part of the issue is too, that in spite of everything I’ve been through I don’t feel entitled to a crisis. My friends have told me that they even wish they were me…and I do feel fortunate. Fortunate to have good friends (though most of them live around the country), live in an amazing city, to have a funny, kind partner and the potential for the future.

But sometimes at the age of 26, I feel like I’m older on the inside and have a deep sadness for the past. Also the most traumatic thing recently was losing a job that I actually really cared about due to shitty office politics, antiquated expectations of gender roles, and my boss trying to say that it was “poor performance” when my performance reviews had been above average and there was no email trail of dropped balls, etc.

It was a hard thing to go through but now that employer is my client and while I’m happy it worked out in some way…although it’s a bittersweet victory that came with a lot of stress. Nearly fourth months after this ordeal, I still have a lot of anger and resentment for the CEO and co-founder who initially tried to smear me to my colleagues. Yeah…complicated but just…ugh.

First, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Second, it’s hardly surprising you lack self-esteem given your past. I can’t recall whether you’ve had or are having counselling. I seem to recall you did get some counselling after your mum died. If you aren’t seeing someone, think about organising to meet with a counsellor. It can really help to have an objective, sounding board to help us learn to understand and accept our past and to move on.

Third, I’m going to mention imposter syndrome. Women are particularly prone to undervaluing and appreciating their talents. No matter how much success they have, they feel they’re a fraud and have somehow managed to succeed because of some fluke rather than because they’re talented at their work/craft and deserve their success as much as anyone else. Look it up and think about whether you might have these tendencies. I feel if you can understand why you react as you do, then you can start to reprogram those reactions.

In terms of your business. Well done on being proactive and setting up a freelance business. I think you know that when you write for a living there are always going to be people who don’t like your work. It doesn’t mean your work is crap. It could mean they don’t know what they want or need. So when you get negative feedback, spend some time evaluating whether it’s justified. What can you take from that feedback and what should you file under T for Trash? Certainly, you need to develop an asbestos skin in terms of nasty critiques. Some people seem to get off on being rude and critical. When you get feedback, good or bad, put it to one side until you can objectively evaluate it.

Do think about talking to a counsellor and try not to allow external influences to demoralise you. As that old saying goes… this too will pass. Be strong and thankful for the opportunities you’re creating in your new business and the stability in your current relationship. You have a lot of good in your life from what you’ve written here.

For much of my life I was told I was stupid and bad. How can I stop believing it?

What you have been doing has been unsuccessful. I repeat…call the NYC crisis hotline to break the cycle.

See a therapist and/or hypnotist. The former may only want to talk about it while the latter may do you some good. The therapist may also be the hypnotist, so start somewhere. Think positive. Say “I can!” not “I can’t.” It’s a tough row to hoe and I know what you mean.

Thanks for sharing your story. Your talent for writing is quite apparent. One thing that you might want to work on is the attitude of you boyfriend’s friends. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about it? Obviously, you don’t want to do anything to jeopardize your relationship, but that kind of treatment can get under your skin. There must be some way to get them to take you seriously without offending anyone.

@gailcalled I wouldn’t really call this a “crisis” per se…but I’d like to get control before I feel any worse. The feelings kind of come and go but the wrongful termination a few months back brought back a lot of past traumas and feelings of being slighted throughout my life. But I can assure you, I’m not a danger to myself or others.

@Earthbound_Misfit I think you’re onto something with the “imposter syndrome”—a phenomenon I’ve read about and sometimes wondered was the cause of some of my frustration. Sometimes because of my gender/age/appearance, I feel that people are quick to discredit me or act as though anything I achieve is fruit of the poison tree or ill-gotten gains. I’m also shy and introverted in professional situations and especially authority figures, which can be challenging in many career fields where people are quick to trample others.

@LostInParadise I’ve spoken to my boyfriend about it and he says that his friend’s behavior is inappropriate and next time he sees it, he’ll subtly cue them by saying something like “I think LeavesNoTrace was trying to say something and I’d like to hear it…” and encourage them to listen to me more. Thankfully he’s not chauvinistic or a “mansplainer” which is one of the reasons I like him so much and I’m glad he’s on my side.

I haven’t read answers above.

I think you are depressed right now. My guess is the job loss is affecting you more than you might realize even though they have asked you back to work. Maybe you are questioning how you handle a difficult situation? On eggshells about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time? Possibly, that triggers feelings in you that relate back to childhood?

I’m making a lot of guesses and projecting a little bit. I think eggshells might be a normal state for you. Similar to don’t anger your raging patents, don’t anger your abusive SO’s. Don’t anger your boss. Triggers that might undermine your self esteem and feelings of security.

Most people set up their childhood over and over again. They have relationships with people who are a combination of their parents, and that feels normal to them even if they dislike it. It can be difficult to overcome.

It sounds to me like you are doing very well. Better relationship and now making your own way being self employed. I think they are just growing pains and you are doing a fantastic job. I wish you could feel proud, accomplished, and most of all happy about everything you have done.

You are young, and the 20’s are the time of a lot of emotional times for many people. That cliche of finding yourself, paying your dues at work, transitioning from adolescence to adulthood. You are in the throws of one of the hardest times for most people.

You probably hear a lot of people say they didn’t really feel like adults until their 30’s. A lot of women say they feel most comfortable and confident when they finally get to their 40’s. It’s because so many people go through turmoil, self doubt, and just basic deciding for themselves who they are and what they want their life to be.

Don’t be too hard in yourself. I think therapy could help you work through things. I definitely feel things will only get better, because you are so self aware and want to improve.

@JLeslie Thanks so much.

Sadly losing my full-time position also meant losing my health insurance and I’m currently shopping around for coverage options. Hopefully, once I’m covered, I can find a therapist who can help me make some breakthroughs. The past few years have been exciting but very difficult, and I’m hoping that by making sense of my life, I can gain some perspective and start to heal from some of the past traumas. In the meantime, I’m very lucky to have a supportive partner and friends who understand what I’ve been through and see me for who I am.