What would you do if "in-laws" are extremely cliquish?

It is understandable how you feel. Some families are more inclusive than others.

If I were in that situation, I would let it pass. Once an official part of the family, if the exclusion continued, then it would be worth taking your cousin’s advice about scheduling a girls’ day function.

As for mentioning it to the SO, I wouldn’t. My brother’s wife did this, and now the brother attempts to manipulate us to do activities that we don’t want to do just so that she feels included. My sister and I like her. Unfortunately, the constant manipulation drives a wedge in the relationship with both of them.

I deal with this all the time, but from the other side. My family is extremely tight, and my mother tends to exclude s/o’s or my stepsister and brother at times. I make sure they feel welcome and I try to counter balance that crap. You might need to discuss this with your bf or someone else in the family so they know what’s going on and how much it hurts to be excluded. It’s nice to be a tight family, but it’s okay to bring in everyone, not just the blood relatives.

@Adirondackwannabe You’re very thoughtful.

It’s just being considerate. I wouldn’t want that done to me if I was the new member of the family. It’s thinking of someone else and taking care of them.

I think you’re in a spot where you can’t invite yourself and just have to hope they will “come around.”

What you can try doing, to see if they get the hint, is next time they talk about an event where the ladies are all going, say “Oh, wow, that sounds like fun!” If they get it, they get it. If they don’t, they don’t.

What is their cultural background? I ask because some nationalities do behave like that especially when the couple is not yet married. They tend to think that marriage puts a stamp on such issues. Could it be the case?

@ZEPHYRA I think we both come very similar background since it’s Southeast Asian. He’s Cambodian and I have Thai/Filipino background. I have a feeling marriage won’t change anything. They don’t even invite the wife married to the uncle.

@ZEPHYRA My mother is your typical WASP, so go figure.

It could be that they won’t officially view you as a member of the family until you guys are married.

But the thing is it seems other non-blood married people are not invited lol.

What?

Lightbulb: Is he very respectful to his parents and won’t contradict them in any way?

I really don’t think marriage will change anything. One of the reasons I say that is because the wife married to the uncle is not even invited. It seems to be a blood thing/grew up together kinda thing. Like I said, it doesn’t even have to be all the time but it’d just be nice to be included sometimes to be felt like part of the family especially after all that I’ve been through and done for them.

@Adirondackwannabe Light bulb? Lol, Well of course he’s respectful as I am with my parents but there’s the occasional arguments and annoyances you get with parents. He’s declined to his family functions if it is inconvenient for me or will accomodate me or check with me first to see if I want to go before he says yes which I think is nice of him. I don’t even ask him to do that. Sometimes family events can be too much so it’s nice for him to be considerate of me.

Laughs, different cultures do things differently, I sometimes forget that and let my ugly American side show. He sounds very considerate. I respect my mother, but when she starts dissing someone all I have to do is look at her and she knows not to do that.

I don’t see why you could not mention this to your boyfriend. Don’t bring it up as a complaint, just a casual observation about how non-family members are not included. See what his reaction is.

@LostInParadise I already think he won’t see it as a big deal the same way with his mom wanting only family dinners.But then I explained that I felt left out and how I felt excluded. When I said something he changed things because he knew it hurt my feelings how things continued. I’m just building up more resentment inside like I’m an outsider or something.

I would bring it up but I guess I won’t really say too much about it unless we get married.

A lot of people believe that choosing to marry or stay married to someone should only be based on how much you love the other person, or how good the other person is. I disagree. I think you should factor in if you will love or tolerate the life you live while with them.

Some folk may try to put blame on your boyfriend for not standing up to his family and forcing them to include and accept you. From what you’ve said, it sounds like he’s doing just about everything he possibly can do without cutting ties with the family over this. This situation is much bigger than him and he can’t fix it. It involves changing the nature and free will of many different individual people.

That doesn’t mean that you have to accept the situation. You deserve to have inlaws that treat you like family. This is not likely to happen in this situation. You are going to have to decide for yourself if you want to choose this as something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life.

If you can’t imagine dealing with this, you may reconsider being with him. This situation isn’t his fault and he’s not a bad person for having his family siuation the way it is. There are many women out there who would have no desire or feel any need to have any sort of relationship with their inlaws. Perhaps he’d be better off with someone who feels this way.

And there’s nothing wrong with you not wanting to have that in your life either. There are plenty of people around that are great potential boyfriends and husbands who don’t come with those family issues.

Whatever you decide, base your decision on the fact that the siuation will never change for the better. If you decide that you can live with that, marry your boyfriend and accept the family as a bunch of clannish cold fishes who will never accept you. Let other things in your life make you happy. Don’t rely on any goodwill from them.

The worst thing you can do is make a decision with the hope or belief that things will change once you get married. Then you will be stuck in a family situation that you don’t like and feel resentment and anger against your husband for “being responsible” for the situation. Which isn’t fair to him.

I’m not saying to go dump him. I’m not saying to suck it up and learn to live with it. Either choice could work out in the long run if you commit to the choice and accept the outcome of choosing one over the other.

But you WILL have to make this choice, because things will not change.

We currently live with his sisters
We’re working on a plan to move out next year.
I sometimes see them even when my boyfriend is out of town.

How is it that you sometimes see the people you and your boyfriend live with?

I’m including other relatives

I think inviting them to a girls thing could be a good idea like your cousin suggested.

However, if things don’t change, and they are like this even with older Inlaws who have been married to the family for years, my suggestion is to decide for yourself that they suck about this and be a little pissed off rather than hurt. I don’t mean pissed off forever; but if they were in your high school and not soon to be family, they would be labeled mean girls. They exclude people, and are not your close best friends, they are family by marriage. I’m telling you, once you don’t care about their attention you will be free. It can be difficult to get to that place mentally. It’s like a grieving process.

It’s just being considerate. I wouldn’t want that done to me if I was the new member of the family. It’s thinking of someone else and taking care of them.

@jleslie I agree. I have to learn not to give a crap. It’s hard though. Maybe eventually I will learn.

Unfortunately I think you are forced to accept the setup as it stands. If you think about it, it’s impossible to believe that in a cabal this size not a single soul is aware of the awkward rudeness involved with your exclusion. Either one of the membership has an ironclad grip on the admissions process, or the entire bunch is too rude to be bothered with. In the first case, if the group is cowed by a iron willed dictator, you’re once again better off outside.

Just wondering, how would they deal if you have a child? Would it change if you were married and had that child? Would they invite the child and not you? Etc.

Try asking bf and other family members about this dynamic. Let us know the results. It would give you better understanding of the situation.

Apologies, @chelle21689. I didn’t realize you were asking about Asian culture, so I know nothing.

@snowberry I wonder that all the time. Like if I had a child would they then start including me just because I bore someone blood related to them. If they do, what would you think of that? Out of curiosity. Would that be a good thing?

Last night his sisters, a boyfriend, my boyfriend went out for dinner. I mentioned that it’s been a while since we went out to dinner together. She said nicely that maybe I should plan more. So maybe she’s waiting for me to do the planning. Like my cousin said…I need to take initiative? Although I’m not usually the type to plan. My cousin once complained that she did all the planning so I don’t know. Not saying this really excuses their behavior but possibly what I would need to do to start some where.

@chelle21689 Sure. Plan something. You certainly don’t have anything to lose, and you might discover a new dynamic to the family rules of “how it’s done”.

I’m guessing this behavior of your bf ‘s relatives is NOT normal for their culture. It doesn’t make sense at any level.

As for bearing a child, it wouldn’t do to ask. It would send the wrong message. But planning a get-together is a good start.

I remember a story on npr where an Iranian American woman talked about the fact that her paternal grandmother never really accepted her or her mother as her family. She accepted the woman’s brother as her grandson, though. I thought it sounded like an awful situation.

@chelle21689 It took me years to get to the point I didn’t give a crap. Eventually, my SIL was relentless in being horrible (it was similar to your situation, like a withholding of love) that she wore me down enough (after years of tears) that I got to the point of fuck her. It was liberating.

I really thought I would be family with my SO’s family. I was actually married in this case, but my experience in high school was my boyfriend’s family accepted me like a family member. Then I also started to realize my husband’s family does the same shit to each other and aren’t worth trusting 100%. Sad to say. I won’t bore you with examples. I don’t know if that applies to your situation. I can tell you it took me years to know all of the crap they were capable of past and present.

It’s a power trip in my situation I think. The women in the my husband’s family like to be the queen bee with all the drones being controlled by them.

I hope your situation is different. Set up some sort if get together, give it the valiant effort at least a couple times and see if they start inviting you.

@JLeslie examples won’t bore me and thank you for advice