What causes passive-aggressiveness?

Being in love with self-pity.

I think it is mostly learned while we grow up. Either it is a copied behavior, meaning a parent models the behavior, or a reaction to a very aggressive parent.

It can be learned later on though. I have very little passive aggressiveness in me, I think it is a horrible communication style. However, I know I am somewhat passive aggressive, or I’d say less confrontational, with my husband’s family, and even my husband in certain things. It’s a result of “you get what you give.” After years dealing with them I basically adapted to their style when dealing with them, because they simply can’t handle real communication. Luckily, this is far and few between with my husband, but it does happen. I have to say that becoming more passive aggressive with them is a result if me simply not caring as much. It’s where my mind had to go to stifle. I can’t help but wonder if people who tend to be very passive aggressive are less attached to people. I’m not assuming they are, but it feels that way to me.

My downfall personally is I’m a little too aggressive, too much temper, raise my voice a little too easily. I’m better about that with my husband than with my family, but I still could work on it more. I still think it’s the better if the two though. At least while yelling we are still figuring out some sort of understanding and resolution, but it’s not a great way to go about it. In fact, when dealing with someone who is passive aggressive once you raise your voice the whole thing gets worse. It’s unbelievably frustrating.

I know! But I’d rather not say.

I don’t know, but dammit, I really don’t care!!!

Seriously, as I understand it, passive-aggressiveness is a learned behavior, not a biologically (or genetically) created behavior. As I understand the topic, it is learned as a reaction to external stimuli, often when a child.

The child (or maybe adult) is restricted or unable to show his anger (perhaps to a teacher or a parent) and bottles it up inside. At some point his/her mind processes that frustration and builds up a defense mechanism, which is passive-aggressiveness. That allows the person to express his/her saved-up anger and frustration and lash out at others.

It seems that allowing people (kids) to express themselves as kids reduces that passive-aggressiveness later in their lives.

Passive-aggressiveness is a form of communication, so it is learned. The reason for adopting it is different.

Everyone has a degree of a characteristic called Command. Those who have a higher degree of it are willing to confront. Those on the bottom scale avoid confrontation at all costs. The people in the middle are the ones who desire to share their opinion but fear backlash. Thus they learn to use a passive-aggressive approach in order to state their opinion; a sugar-coated sarcastic method. It’s manipulation.

Well, both aggression and insecurity are traits which even young children seem to exhibit, as well as many if not most animals. So yes, I do think some of us are prone to act passive-aggressively from birth. The exact way we do this, then, is probably learned.

It serves the purpose of protecting one’s own interests, while keeping risks low. Yes, it is irritating and not a helpful way of communicating. Personally, I try to remind myself that if I were the person who is annoying me, I would act just like them. They are shaped by genetic make-up and experiences, just like I am. If I am not prone to being passive-aggressive, that’s not exactly anything to be proud of. It’s just who I am.

Not saying I am not likely to react passive-aggressively – in fact, I’ve never thought about it.

A bad choice of action

You haven’t seen passive-aggressive until you’ve lived in Seattle!

I’m inclined to think it’s as cultural as a Bostonian’s “Pahk da cah” accent. We are all reflections of where/how we grew up.

I don’t know what passive aggressive is. Can someone please explain to me?

Oh, for example, my ex was passive aggressive. If he was the tiniest bit on the outs with me, and we were in the car, and I asked him a yes/no question, he wouldn’t answer. When I repeated myself he’d yell, “I SAID YES!!” When, in fact, he hadn’t said anything at all.

@Dutchess_lll I don’t get it.

@talljasperman Here is an article that describes passive-aggressiveness behavior and gives examples.

@Pied_Pfeffer sounds like the person is scared of the person who they are being aggressive to. Thanks for the article.

@talljasperman You are welcome. “Scared” probably isn’t the right descriptor. People who are afraid of someone often take the passive route.

When I joined a dept. at work, I had no idea that there were internal issues at play. Someone outside of the dept. was brought in to conduct a team-building exercise. One of the tasks was to give an example of what each team member liked about all of their co-workers and what they didn’t. One employee said of another, “I like it when Chris is teaching off-site.” That is being passive-aggressive. It was a backhanded compliment.

Not enough sex. If I don’t get laid in a while I get pissy. Fuck off bitch.~

I think it has to do with self image. I am calm and reasonable, you on the other hand are nasty and aggressive and I will prove it to you.

Anger issues

It’s definitely learned. An ex of mine was extremely passive-aggressive and I knew through personal stories that he grew up in a house where his dad was the absolute boss. Everything was expected to be calm and ordered and the kids weren’t really allowed to express themselves much. There was no overt anger, no overt joy, nothing. And so, as a coping mechanism (or something) I believed that he developed passive-aggressive behavior because in his household, it was the only “acceptable” way to show that you were bothered at all.

All I know is that the behavior makes me want to punch people in the face. Which is, you have to admit, pretty funny. In a dark way…

@DrasticDreamer Laughs, well I guess that isn’t passive. Did you throw hard punches?

@flutherother That is definitely part of the schtick with my Inlaws. It just incites more anger in the person who wants to discuss things and society rewards the passive aggressive person.

Traditionally passive-ggressive behavior is specifically agreeing to do something and then not doing it.

You ask your teen-aged son to take out the garbage; he agrees but then doesn’t do it.

I’m too non-confrontational to directly tell someone what’s bothering me. So I use this to hope they get the hint.

I like DrasticDreamers answer. I wasn’t really “allowed” to talk back to my mother, so I acted out via passive aggressive behavior.

I don’t think that’s really passive “aggressive” @Blackberry. Just passive. Passive aggressive people are that way in order to manipulate people, not just give them a hint.

Oh I see, sweet so I’m not a douche lol.

No! You are not a douche!

Well, I just broke up with my boyfriend. And I wasn’t passive aggressive about it. He was, however, showing signs of being very passive aggressive and I could not stand it. Not after having to deal with it in a marriage for 10 years. Also, I saved him from a fate worse than death. I hope he sees that soon. I can’t stand quiet and pouty. Also, any man who comes with a ring on the second date is mental.

@Adirondackwannabe Nah, but I thought about it. lol

And yeah, @Blackberry, @Dutchess_III is right. Not every passive-aggressive person is fully aware of their behavior, but it’s usually used as a tool to make the other person involved feel angry, bad, or whatever else, so that the passive-aggressive person gets the upper hand. It’s basically a really sneaky way of being aggressive.

Yes, it is @DrasticDreamer.

Right. Aggressive is aggressive, whether it is passive or not. The passive aggressive person usually does not understand this at all. They are sure they are calm, cool, collected, mature, and better than people who “can’t control themselves.”