What's your rate on ways to find "the one"?

Get involved with volunteer groups, go to enjoy and give your time.

Take every oppotunity you have to get to know people. For example when you are at a workplace you treat people around you well and try to understand them. You will find out who is the best for you.

When I relax, get laid back and mellow, it finds me. I’ve never been successful in hitting on people. But when I let them come to me it works. As to a soulmate, those are few and far apart. You might never find “the one”. But you might find someone you can love, and that’s usually good enough.

Make friends. Friendship can become the basis for a long-term love relationship.

I would say that if you’re committed to finding “the one” rather than someone, I would suggest not dating for a while, doing all the personal work you need on yourself so that you can know and be yourself. Then, get a good answer for what your “one” might be like or not be like. Then continue not dating anyone that doesn’t seem to qualify, figure out who you want to be who would attract and be a good match for your “one”, and enjoy your life and cultivate yourself. Continue to hold out for what you really want.

Difficulties include:

* You’ll probably be attracted to others first, and/or get involved with and attached to these others, making you unavailable and focused on others.

* It’s fairly intangible and highly changeable what your “one” really is.

* Just “finding the one” is almost always an inaccurate model for what’s going on in someone’s romantic orientation. It can be a distracting myth. Most people have needs and desires and healing they don’t realize they crave, all of which can have them be very attracted to relationships that will tend to be temporary. That’s natural and can be good, and being focused on “finding the one” can mess with relationships. It might be easiest to get to your “one” by first finding healing with others and then evolving out of those relationships as someone who’s ready for a more healthy more lasting relationship. Though there are other ways to heal, too.

In general though, I recommend that if you really feel called to be with someone, that you at least speak out about it. But if you’re not ready for a healthy relationship, and/or tend to get attracted to unhealthy people/relationships, then you might benefit from an ally who can filter your attractions for you.

As with shopping for anything else, the larger the pool of candidates, the more likelihood of a suitable match. There is a reason why gregarious people with sparkling personalities are rarely found asking these questions. It’s always the shy, hide in the house introverts eternally “puzzled” with “why am I lonely? ” These poor souls are the natural prey of every scam from useless self help books to ripoff online dating sites. In the end, if you want to meet Mr. Or Ms. Right, there is no getting around the obvious and time tested solution of circulating among potential prospects. Bite the bullet and get out there!

Do NOT date a co-worker.

As for the rest, it’ll happen when you least expect it. I certainly didn’t expect to find my second husband at a lawn mower repair shop.

@Dutchess_lll Awwwww that sounds awfully romantic!
Advice taken, but for a held-back-person like I am, it’s probably a little hard to meet many people out of work in the future lol.

@Zaku Exactly! I’m doing the not-dating-doing-personal-work thing right now.

@stanleybmanly That’s a very true and interesting perspective

There are lots of “ones”, it’s just a matter of finding them. There is no such thing as a soul mate. Be clear on the qualities you wish to attract and make sure you have those same qualities and then just get out there and be open. You never know where someone interesting might show up.

Oh no. It was not romantic. Little ramshackle, stucco building, greasy and hot and dirty, and tools and mower parts everywhere.

I agree that finding “the one” is a tall order. But that thing about finding yourself before looking is in my opinion a mistake. I don’t even want to count how startlingly often I have seen the most wonderful and apparently ideal man or woman paired with captain or Madame Insufferable. It drives me crazy that brazen oafish men wind up walking away with the demure and quiet gems, or the pushy shrew landing the shy guy with the heart of gold. No, my advice is get out there and make a fool of yourself if necessary. The good men & women are out there, but the tragedy for the shy ones is that their mutual silence results in their falling prey to the self absorbed loudmouths and ogres whose only talents lie in brazen unmerited self confidence.

You can work toward being your best self, and get out there to meet people at the same time. Adding new activities to your life covers both. Think of a couple hobbies, good causes, or activities that you’re interested in. It can be things that you’re into or things that are totally new. Then find and join a few things, and start going regularly. You can sharpen a skill you’ve always had, or take a crash course in something totally new. (I just saw an ad for sailing lessons in my area, it sounds awesome.) You could do volunteering, intramural sports, go on a trip for solo travelers, meetups, take a cooking class, go mountain climbing, whatever. Open mic nights, toastmasters, and improv are supposed to be great for shyness.

This will do two things for you. You’ll be out there meeting more people, which will bring more friends into your life and increase your chances of meeting the right one. And it will make your life richer and more interesting. You’ll gain confidence and become a more well-rounded person. It will give you lots of cool new stuff to talk about when you meet all these new people, and you’ll be able to find more common ground.

Don’t be afraid to start conversations with people or exchange contact info. Not all of them will work out, but the more you do it the easier it becomes. And while you’re at it, read a lot and learn new things! Don’t let your mind stagnate; feed it a healthy and varied diet.

A good start is to pick one thing and start going regularly. And if you have a choice between doing something at home or doing it outside, try to go out. Like- you could sit at home fluthering on your couch, or you could do it in a coffeehouse. Go for walks by yourself, go to museums and galleries by yourself, whatever. The root of all that stuff is 1) show up, and 2) take action.