What would you do if someone volunteered to have a barbque at your house, then proceeded to take over the kitchen like it was theirs?

Probably let it ride ,but after that I would distance myself from the person as best I could.

I can’t say that’s ever happened to me. Not sure what I’d do if it did. Punch her in the fuckhole maybe.

(As an aside, Cathy Horses For Fluther sounds like the name of an emo band.)

LOL! Oh well @Darth_Algar!

I would like to distance my self completely, but Rick and Jack are tight. If I piss Cathy her off it could end their relationship, so I just hang and try not to find myself alone with her.

I can’t envision someone doing that to me without me saying something to them. I would probably tell her to go sit down and relax. If she didn’t, I would probably be firmer. In other words, you were very patient, it seems like, the way you handled the situation. I don’t think I would be so patient. Husband being friends with the husband is one thing, but “who the fuck do you think you are” is not what I would say but I would be thinking it.

It would be the last time she was allowed in my house.

Edit.

You should have confronted her the moment she touched the butter bowl.
Based on your story, I find her arrogance mind-boggling.
Right from the start.
She calls you and sets the date to the same day she calls.
Does not ask you if you have time.
Forgets the things she said she would. (did she apologise for that?)
Rudely overrides your decision to eat in the living room, instead of asking if you could change it to the table.
Pours out your butter bowl without asking and without permission.
Does not check, or even ask whether the dishes in the machine are dirty.
Dictates to you what salad to use.
All the while expecting you to do the ad for her, free of charge.

I would have told her to sit down, it was my kitchen and I didn’t like others in it. If she continued, I would have said the same thing and guided her out. I would not let her back in the house. She’s got nerve and will do the same again.

What would I do if someone (unpleasant and for whom no love is lost) invited themselves over to dinner at my home and then proceeded to be controlling and unpleasant?

I suppose I’d say a gentle but firm ‘no’ to any future plans involving getting together with her – and make sure my spouse was on-board, too. As it’s his best-friend, I’d suggest they do things together that don’t require you and Mary to be in the same room. (At least as much as possible.)

Well, the only thing I give her quarter on was the fact that she did arrange it, and I’m sure felt a bit improper about it and was trying to make up for it. But, as @ragingloli said, her arrogance and assumptions were a bit mind boggling.

I can’t help but wonder what she would have done/said if I said, “You know Cathy girlfriend, you are cowing me.” Because she was.

@geeky_mama That’s pretty much the arrangement now. I have cautioned Rick that if he leaves me alone with her for more than 10 minutes I will file for divorce (only half joking.) I love Jack and the three of us have a hilarious time when she isn’t around. But…he’s a guy’s guy, and he really doesn’t quite understand the concept that Rick and I like to be together no matter what we have going on.
I do encourage Rick to go on, but most of the times he says no, because he wants me there.

Next time, you should bring the burgers.
And when she starts eating, you should ask “So, how do you like the Horse Burgers?”

I think people are forgetting that her and your husbands are best friends and you don’t want to come between that so you let it ride to protect that,and you should be acknowledged for just that, but you should let your husband know how you feel towards his friends wife,and he should understand that,and out of respect for you not try and do things as couples,he should just enjoy his friend on his own as best he can.

@Dutchess_III – I feel your pain. I just shared a barbecue event at my home with my husband’s ex-wife. Awkward doesn’t begin to cover the half-of-it…and the men (her husband and my husband) seemed oblivious to the horrible tension.

She tried to take over my kitchen during the clean-up (with no idea where anything goes) and I definitely bristled. As politely as I could.

@SQUEEKY2 Thanks. That is the bottom line. I want to preserve the relationship between my husband, Rick, and Jack. But Rick knows. ” I have cautioned Rick that if he leaves me alone with her for more than 10 minutes I will file for divorce (only half joking.)” I just WISH she was more congenial, because we could all go on fishing trips and stuff and it could be fun, because I think the world of Jack. But…I guess the relationship works for him. She cooks and cleans like a maid, and I guess that’s what Jack wants. No conversation, no sharing or exchanging of ideas. In return, she gets to spend his money.

@geeky_mama I don’t blame you! Oh, arg.

It wouldn’t have bothered me one bit

It’s clear that men don’t really “get it” that a woman’s territory is her kitchen and that interference is not welcomed unless specifically asked for.

Perhaps an analogy might be a guy who enjoys working in his garage (or workshop) and has another guy come over and just throw it into disarray, misplacing/rearranging tools and just assuming it’s all right to do so.

It’s good that you made things clear to Rick because I’m sure she will never be welcome in your home (specifically kitchen) ever again. At least that’s what I would do. When dealing with someone with that incredible an amount of chutzpah, banishment is the only solution. It’s obvious she is oblivious to simple common courtesy and good manners. And at this age it’s unlikely she would be amenable to re-education.

The guys can still have their amicable relationship. It simply does not need to include you and her. Rick’s friend married her. It doesn’t mean you have to also.

One more thing – she was going to bring hamburger meat and rolls (a major part of a barbecue) and she did not. I don’t know how she could have overlooked that. I hope she or her hubby paid for it when they went out to pick it up.

We’re pretty casual around here and my (good) friends are, too.. If the group will be 4 people we eat in the kitchen. If 6 we eat on the porch. if more, we eat at the picnic table. In our circle it is totally normal for one of the guests to pick up the dishes, rinse and put them in the sink. That is as far as it goes That gives the host a little extra time to visit.
Putting dishes away, changing the room, tossing food, is over the line. But you knew that already.
Let’s see.. politics? religion? food? demeanor? I would avoid this woman. You don’t need the stress. Hubby can have his own friends, as can you. This clearly is not a couple you need to befriend.

Thinking back on the butter thing….we bought a brand new, cheapo paint brush (like $.45) for a basting brush. It’s never been used to anything else, and certainly not for painting. She threw that brush in the sink with unmistakeable contempt. I probably should have at least asked her why she did that, but I didn’t. Things had been spiraling out of control before that.
Her house is always spotless. You take off your shoes when you go in. Very prim, very proper….and ain’t it always the ones who espouse a certain way of living who bust their own rules the hardest?

@Dutchess_III
”Things had been spiraling out of control before that.”
It started with you just saying “OK” to her inviting herself over on such short notice.
You should not just say “yes” to everything.

If it had been anyone besides her I would have said something. But in this case there was something more important than my feelings at stake. It was frustrating, to say the least, but I lived.

It just shocked me, really.

I always wonder, with people like that, if they have a lot of friends or if most people find them hard to tolerate.

Her husband said she has lost so many close friends since Obama was elected. If you say anything nice about him, you are kicked out of her life. You are dead to her. That’s what her husband said, anyway.

As for me, I can’t fathom being actual friends with her. I can’t fathom being married to her. But…she’s been married twice, so I guess there are people in this world who can handle it.

My friend had asked where the cheese was, and I pointed her toward the drawer in the fridge where I keep cheese.

Just now went to rearrange some stuff, and she’d put the cheese back in the fridge, on the bottom shelf, and didn’t even zip seal it.

I don’t mind if someone says they are going to help put together a meal and comes into my house and makes themselves at home cooking and preparing a dish, but I expect them to coordinate with me regarding where we sit and not to simply override me on food and condiments I want to put out. Throwing out the melted butter is ridiculous! Adding dirty dishes to my clean dishwasher? That would annoy me. None of it would make me so angry that I would be huffing and puffing, but I would not have her over to cook again.

I see her as controlling, lacking social skills, lacking respect, and quite possibly she thinks she is being incredibly helpful.

I think she was a bit drunk too. Wine. But the wine just emboldens her natural tendencies.

I was going to ask if she drinks and forgot too. The chick has no sense of boundaries.

I know. But woe unto anyone who oversteps her boundaries!

Hang up a picture of Obama. She will never visit again.

LOL!! She’d probably torch my house!

Okay @Dutchess_III, here is my question. What happened to your backbone? I know you have one based upon other posts. You also have a sense of humor. Surely you can combine the two to stand your ground while keeping it lighthearted. You are also a parent and grandparent, plus an educator, so there must be some skill in you regarding addressing unacceptable behavior without demeaning the person.

If “Mary” is going to continue to be a person in your life, these types of incidents need to be addressed when they arise. Otherwise, every interaction will result in ongoing frustration, which will probably be vented to your loved ones (Rick and us :) ), which won’t change the situation.

What have you got to lose, other than your sanity? Certainly not a friend. At worst, Rick can still be buddies with Jack and forego your company while they do whatever. At best, the four of you can hang out with Mary learning to respect your opinions and space. And who knows? Maybe she will start to consider those of others whom she has also offended.

@Pied_Pfeffer I’m not gonna make you go read all the posts, so I will summarize:

She really isn’t a person in my life. That particular incident just came about because I had offered to do some computer work for her, and she just got a not-bad idea to combine it into a cook out. It turned into one of WTH for me because she had been drinking and became overbearing. I think, in her mind, that since she offered up my house, her taking over and doing it all kind of made up for it. It really didn’t of course, as you can see by the details.

I tolerate her when I have to be around her, I tuck in my “backbone,” because I can see things getting very ugly, very quickly, if I’m not very careful. If I alienate her I’m pretty sure she has the bitch balls to make her husband’s life hell if he keeps wanting to hang out with Rick, and it’s his best friend. They’ve known each other for years (read “decades”,) just reconnected about 4 years ago, when we ran into him at a grocery store. Neither of them are getting any younger. In fact, his friend just had the last treatment for a cancer scare today. For a while there we didn’t think he was going to live another 6 months. :( But things are looking good now.

I think I should have said something about the butter and the basting brush….but, as I said, she was pretty drunk so that might not have gone very well.

I think that if I had been the one to do the inviting, it might not have turned out that way.

So….we just drop in now and then (and to her credit she has no problem with that) and hang around for an hour or so, then leave.

We invite them out to the lake, where they hang out for a couple of hours, then they leave. It’s tolerable.

I wish we could all four hang out, like go to Missouri for fishing and stuff, because I just love Jack, and we three together just crack each other up. I’d love to rent a cabin, whatever, but there is no way in hell it’s gonna happen!

Friend, I know you have it in you to talk to “Mary”, even it is the next day when she is sober. Just tell her what you have shared with us in a non-offensive way. Pose it in a question that attempts to avoid the use of “you”, “but”, “no” and “actually”. Try it out on us. We are here to help.

Thanks @Pied_Pfeffer. If I actually considered her a friend, or we were closer, or more was at stake, I would. I’ll just let it go, and beware if it happens again!