What does "marriage" mean to you, and what's the moment(if there is one) you think would make you decide you want to marry the person?

It’s unbeLIEvable.

First of all I’m sorry for your family issue. It isn’t nice knowing that parents are going to divorce. I don’t think I can give you any advice so all I can do is to give you this and hope it will help somehow.

To answer the question: When two people are in love, they try to show their best parts to each other, and they can mostly see the good side of each other. And because they are in love, they long to be with each other for as long as possible. Marriage is the solution for this wish.

The after they get marriage, all the not-so-nice things about them begin to unfold. Each realizes that the person they love isn’t like what they imagine. Moreover because they are together for do long the feeling begins to subside. They need more effort to keep the relationship going. Some manage to do that, others get into too much conflicts that they don’t think they can take it anymore. And then a divorce.

As for myself, I’m not interested in romantic affair, let alone marriage, so I don’t know what would make me want to marry anyone. There is no time for my marriage. Maybe oneday I’ll meet someone suitable, but from now on I only want to be single for the rest of my life.

Mimishu you are great and always there for me, thanks.
And sorry I didn’t say it right, it’s complicated but they have been keeping it a secret that they do not love each other for several years and I don’t think they are done with that and would get divorced right now, they don’t even know that I know at this point.
I’m there for you, too, and I support you do whatever is right for you. And from my perspective, I’d like to believe that maybe one day you’ll meet the suitable one, too, and maybe you guys can still fall in love like hell with each other after finding a lot of things about each other that are not the best or even the good part :)

Here’s the problem, @wsxwh111 – the feelings that a couple has for each other change. Sometimes daily, sometimes monthly, sometimes never. And this is because people change and grow and experience.

The moment of marriage (which is supposed to be happy) is just one moment – a snapshot – out of a million possible moments. Life is dynamic; it changes, and so does that snapshot.

An old friend (who I should have married) once said – relationships are similar to two cargo ships that are crossing the Atlantic Ocean. If you are lucky, they will travel in parallel for the whole trip and both arrive safely.

But sometimes one ship or another moves to a different destination,

@elbanditoroso Thank you. Very wise metaphor. Is that why they all use “ship” for relationship?

@wsxwh111 I guess your parents don’t want you to know because they don’t want to break your heart, and they still have their responsibility for you. They know if they divorce you will be the one who suffers the most so they have to keep on.

And thanks for the wish. I was just trying to help :)

What my idea of a marriage, and what it really turns out to be, are two different things.
I’ve been married twice. My first husband just went off the deep end when his mother died, which to me is ridiculous behavior for a 30 something adult. It hurts, and you miss them, but you don’t trash your whole life because of it, which is what he did.
He started becoming abusive and he started going out on me.
I suppose I should have stuck it out, for the kids, but it got to the point that I was so angry and so unhappy all the time, I couldn’t see a future full of anything but misery.
We were married 10 years.

I was a bit wiser with my second marriage, and since we had dated for 4 years before we got married, there weren’t many surprises. He did try to start telling me how a wife should, and should not act, as though I had become some sort of property just because we got married, but I soon relieved him of that idea. We have been married 9 years.

I’m a women in her mid-50’s that divorced 12 years ago after 22 years in a marriage, 26 years total in the relationship. I will never marry again, no thanks. haha
People change and grow, or, as is often the case, don’t grow, so much over the years and I honestly think that the concept of “forever” in a relationship, especially when you are very young, is unrealistic. People that marry again in their later years, 40–50-60+ will probably end up together until death do they part but few that marry in their 20’s will achieve that milestone, or, gravestone. lol

There are no guarantees that any relationship/marriage will last but I would caution to not rush into anything. Date and spend a lot of time together for at least several years and live together first because that is a huge step in really getting to know the quirks and habits of another.
Divorce is never easy but much preferable to staying in a dead, dying, or otherwise unrewarding marriage. True love always means wanting whats best for the other person even if that means that you are not a part of their life anymore.

You need to understand your parents are people first, and were individuals before they had you and you need to be supportive of their choices and learn to know them as people now not just as your parents.

From what I’ve witnessed, every marriage is different. Top line statistics, such as “divorced” or “still married” don’t paint the real picture. What holds them together or breaks them apart is as individualistic as each human’s personality.

From your comments, it sounds as if you reached the same conclusion I did. After realizing that not all people marry and can still be happy, that finding the right person can come about at a later time in life than expected, and that some successful marriages are unconventional, it was just a matter of planning to take care of myself and just see what happens.

An aunt once told me that I will never marry because I was holding out for someone like my father. The comment was dismissed. As much as loved Dad, his personality wasn’t my type. It wasn’t until the age of 45 that I met my soulmate. I wasn’t looking. The meeting was purely accidental.

Now I understand what the aunt may have meant. My parents loved and respected each other. They understood and encouraged each other to stretch in order to achieve their abilities, even if the owner couldn’t see it. Together, they set goals, tightened their belts when needed, and worked through any setbacks as a team. These are the qualities of a successful marriage that my partner and I share.

There is still work to be done, as there is in any relationship. We talk about the realities of curve balls being thrown our way. Several have been, and we’ve survived the storms thus far. There is always the chance that a break-up could occur for various reasons unbeknownst to us, but we both feel that we are mature and rational enough to work through them.

I can’t say it any better than Pied Pfeffer. It’s a two way street and both parties have to work at it. And people change over time. We don’t all age at the same rate. It maybe better to try something else for your parents. It doesn’t have to be final. A trial separation might be a good break for them.

You just don’t want to go another day without them in your life,been married 26years and love it, it’s been rough at times but what in life hasn’t.
And we only dated for 3 months how about that?
But I did know her for years before that but we never dated.

People change and grow and being married you have to deal with your own and each other’s changes. Sometimes it’s possible and sometimes it isn’t. When you get married it’s hard to know the twists your life will take over the next 5,10,30 years and sometimes a marriage doesn’t survive the twists.

There is also the problem that some things don’t change, they get enhanced. The stubborn ways of your spouse become more stubborn. The passive aggressiveness gets worse or the hot temper gets worse. Their spending that seemed so lovely when he had a cool car for dating and showered you with roses now makes you sick when you pay your bills every month. Or, that she would get a spectacular job offer across country and following her career brought you to a city you don’t like living in and you never quite found a job there you really loved.

All sorts of things can develop while married and some of them can mean you feel in prison at worst. Trapped in a life path that is not your own.

I love being married. I love the partnership, the companionship, and my husband still makes me laugh and I continue to find him interesting. I’ve been married 22 years. However, I can completely understand why people divorce. Sometimes I think it could have been worked out and maybe they gave up something they should not have, but the majority of the time that is not the case in my opinion. Most people think about divorce for years before they actually do it. Very few people break a marriage hastily. They want it to work. They want it to be better. If people decide to divorce mostly I think you have to trust that it is impossible to know what it is like to live in their marriage and that it was a good choice to divorce.

@JLeslie: Your last sentence was a great one. It brings me to my personal philosophy about other people’s relationships, which is “don’t judge other people’s relationships, because you only know what you see.”

Marriage is the willingness to give half your stuff away when things head south.

To be frank, marriage for me is primarily giving my bf the highest assurance that i’m all his because he could put me in jail if i become unfaithful. We do not have divorce in the Philippines.

@extremely_introverted does that work both ways?

@cheebdragon I do not know if i understand your question correctly but if you’re asking if I can put my husband in jail if he’d commit cooncubinage, yes I can. But eh I don’t think I would ever do that if I get married someday. Women here also do not do that because that would bring shame to the entire family especially to the kids. The wife’s parents and own family I don’t think would even support her. That rarely happens. It’s the men who are more willing to put their spouse in prison because it’s like the their reputation, manliness have been ruined.

@extremely_introverted Why would you want to keep family members around, that would disown you over something like that?
Personally, I’d tell them to go fuck themselves.

Different culture, different attitude, different point of view.

@jca And I didn’t expect some particular answers.

I had no idea about this information about the Philippines. I just read this after googling a little. I’ve known so many people from there, and never had an inkling about any extreme cultural differences in general, not just divorce. I never talked about divorce with any of them.

@cheebdragon…. it’s really not like she has much choice. She doesn’t live in an otherwise free nation, and simply stuck with a rotten family. It’s the whole culture.

I saw a thing on Forensic Files just yesterday about the mother and father murdering their 19 year old daughter. They lived in the US but the parents were raised in the middle east. They were angry that she was dating a black guy. This brought shame to their family. They were also angry that she got a job at a fast food place, without their permission, so she could have some money. In their minds they were perfectly justified in murdering her because of the shame she brought to the family.
American law didn’t see it that way and they were sent to prison. They both got the death penalty and he was executed. However, her’s was overturned on some technicality and she’s in prison for life. I prefer that.

The Philippines and USA is very different in terms of culture and honestly I’m probably just bias but I prefer my own upbringing in general :). And my family is not rotten so careful @Dutchess_III with your words. I love them so much more than anything on this world! Thank you.

I personally like it like jca says: “Different culture, different attitude, different point of view.”
Different people vary, and they can very a lot. The people and culture around us may form our sense of society but that doesn’t mean everyone else has to be the same. In fact, people can vary A LOT and still all be very normal and reasonable in each of their own ways.

As long as ourselves are happy with the choices we make, it’s cool.

My apologies, @extremely_introverted. The comment wasn’t well thought out. Of course you love them and I know they do what they do because they love you, so that makes them NotRotten. I am sorry.

@Dutchess_III You’re so sweet and thanks for understanding me.