Is a white lie better than offending someone?

In a situation like that, I would think that it would be better to say that the expense of the quality they were looking for, would be to expensive for her since she was just starting out and so they may want to either look elsewhere, or cut back on the amount of photos they want.
It would be the truth without saying that they are obnoxiously cheap and she’s trying to make a living.

I think it’s not about a white lie but there is no need to be totally upfront if it doesn’t do yourself or the other person any favors. Even if she said that she didn’t think they were compatible, they would simply think that she was biased against them and would bad mouth her before she starts.
When someone asks, “Do I look fat in this outfit”. Most of the time it may actually be that the outfit isn’t the problem. So you say answer by saying, I love the way it accentuates your curves, or that color is killer on you. Pick something that is a plus for the outfit if it is flattering but not flattering enough to make the person look 20 lbs less.

A white lie. But what is the alternative. No the outfit doesn’t make it you look fat. It’s your fat butt that makes you look fat in everything. Why would that truth help them? Most people know when they look fat. They have a mirror and what they were really looking to ask, was if the outfit is flattering enough to make them look attractive despite being overweight.

Now, when it comes to money. Be one hundred percent honest. No one wants a white lie when it comes to cash.

Feeling. That is another matter. I also like complete honesty, but once in a while when my spirit is feeling low. A little white lie can help me muster through a tough day.

No. The truth is (almost) always better. I only add the “almost” to cover only the most extreme cases where true harm would result from the truth. Trying not to offend someone does not qualify as an exception. “White lies” (I do not like this term) usually present as a considerate act, but are far from it. They are usually a way to prevent immediate feelings of discomfort in the person doing saying the lie. It’s a lazy approach to interpersonal relationships, and one that invariably does more harm.

Because that situation involves a small business, I would say yes, it’s OK. The situation and circumstances described are entirely subjective. If the couple is upset or angered by the fact that the photographer “doesn’t feel they are a good fit”, they could do considerable damage to the reputation of the business.

In an example I always think of where someone might have gotten a hair cut or an item of clothing that they are enthusiastic about, if they ask do I like it, I would probably say yes. No need to hurt any feelings. If it were in the store and the item of clothing was not purchased yet, then of course I would recommend something else, but if they already have the hair cut, why not just throw them a compliment? Kind words go a long way.

In the case of the link where the photographer had a conflict with personalities with a potential client, that is different because it’s business and there’s more involved (her wanting to break into the business, the clients being too demanding, etc.). Even in that case, I would not tell them “you are too demanding, you want too much, you annoy the crap out of me.”

Kind words and compliments go a long way when it comes to friends and coworkers. Not talking about the business example in the OP’s link, talking about people asking for opinions on their stuff – everything from haircut to handbag to clothes.

I agree with @jca. While I avoid lying, I always try to tell the truth in a way that does not offend. Sometimes this requires that I dodge a question like “does this dress make me look fat” by saying something like “That dress is beautiful, you have great taste in clothes.” (I suppose this response is a “white lie.”) However if I thought that “the dress” might be ridiculed by others, I would be inclined to suggest that the person would look better in something else.

Re: the “does this dress make me look fat?” question – I know this is the standard people use when they are ok with not telling the truth. But what if you did tell the truth?

If my wife asks me if her dress makes her look “fat”, I tell her the truth. If the closest people in our lives can’t be trusted to be honest and direct with us, isn’t that a bad thing? I think even the least paranoid of us wonder if people are being honest when they pay us compliments or use indirect language. And from what I see, this is justified.

What if I ask my wife if my pair of pants makes me look fat and she says “yes”? It means that I can trust her. It tells me that when I ask her and the answer is “no”, that I can be positive that she means what she says. I don’t have to be on guard to parse flowery, indirect language in order to extract truth from her statements. Direct and honest communication is a gift that we both benefit from.

is the term “white lie” racist? Why is it that a small lie is ascribed to whites? Why not use the term “minor fib”?

It seems that ascribing a color that has social overtones is just asking for a negative reaction. Can’t we use less provocative terms?

[Only partially tongue in cheek.]

@Pandora I’m that person that will tell you that a dress makes you look fat. Regardless of whether you’re thin or fat, there are different cuts that work better on different body types. I’ve had people who’ve appreciated my feedback. And others who I’ve made cry. Since I’m not the best at reading people, it’s difficult for me to toe that line.

@elbanditoroso Haha…the term probably does have racist origins. But I’d imagine it would be in favor of white. As in, white is good and black is bad.

@elbanditoroso, I think that in this case “white” has nothing to do with race. I am sure you will agree that if someone considered this use as racist, it would be another example of carrying political correctness too far.

I think if someone asked me “Does this dress make me look fat?” and they looked fat in that dress, instead of saying “yes,” a more diplomatic response might be something like “that dress is a little tight right there. I think if you got a dress with an empire waist, it might make your whole torso look longer.” That way, not answering the question with the brutal truth, but steering the conversation onto something else or some suggestions (other dress, different waist line, different style). I think, also, the “brutal truth” might be taken differently from a spouse than someone else (coworker asking, for example).

@jca: “I think, also, the “brutal truth” might be taken differently from a spouse than someone else (coworker asking, for example).”

I’m not sure the truth has to be “brutal”. I tend to associated more positive adjectives with truth.

But regarding the coworker – If a coworker were to ask the question, they are giving you a great responsibility. They are asking for your opinion. It seems to me that honesty is just as important here. We all want to work somewhere we can trust that we’re not being talked about behind our backs. Ideally, our coworkers are just as honest as our spouses. I have yet to work somewhere where direct, honest communication was a problem in the workplace. It’s often quite the opposite.

@DoNotKnow: My point is just diplomacy and kindness. That is all. That’s just my opinion.

@DoNotKnow I think my line of reasoning on this is most similar to yours. But how has the reception been to your approach?

@canidmajor Hmmm…do you feel that her reasoning (not being a good fit) isn’t a valid one? If I read a negative (but truthful) review about this situation, I would appreciate that the photographer was upfront about it. How you work with someone can definitely affect the work.

@jca That’s a good rule of thumb. Be kinder when it comes to things they can’t change.

Where were you…say, twenty-five years ago? Definitely could have used that advice when I made my best friend cry. (Told her her haircut was terrible.)

@Bill1939 If I asked you if a dress looked fat on me and you avoided the question, I’d assume the answer is yes. So my follow-up question is this…are you trying to avoid them realizing the dress makes them fat? Or trying to avoid saying it out loud?

It depends on the person I talk with. If they are someone I don’t really care about, I use white lie. After all I don’t benefit from being too honest around them. But with someone closer, I’ll be honest, but not too negative. Something like “I don’t think it will do you much good…” These people ask me because they need my advice.

@fluthernutter: ”@DoNotKnow I think my line of reasoning on this is most similar to yours. But how has the reception been to your approach?”

Overall, pretty good. I have always been attracted to honest people, so my friends have always been this way (and I married one). It’s worked out pretty well in the workplace. People have known that they can trust me, and it’s resulted in working relationships that skip most of the dancing and scheming.

The only place that this has not worked is with my mother. I believe that one of the reasons I am such an advocate of honesty is that I was raised in an environment of half-truths and nice statements all designed to keep anyone from feeling uncomfortable. It’s a terrible feeling to realize this and discover that you don’t really know someone. Deep down, I really don’t trust her. There have been way too many times she has spoken behind someone’s back, said the complete opposite to his/her face, and claimed that it was done out of love. So, when I started to climb out of the muck of dishonest “polite” conversation as a young adult, it caused some friction. It still lingers.

Q: “Does this make me look fat?”
A: “The way it is cut it doesn’t hang right on you.”

Q:“Do you like my haircut?”
A:” Wow, interesting to see your face framed differently!”

Q:“So, can we reserve you to take pictures on the 27th?”
A:“I’m afraid my technique won’t work with your plans, and you need to find someone that will work well with you. But I appreciate your giving me a chance and perhaps we can work together soon!”

None of those are lies, they are deflections from a blunt statement. As @jca said, diplomacy and tact.

Thank you, @zenvelo for seeing my point. Maybe it comes from working in an environment where diplomacy is key. They say ‘be nice to everyone on the way up the ladder, because you’re going to be seeing the same people on the way back down..” I don’t think it has anything to do with “half truths” and I don’t think it’s in the same category as lying to people’s faces and then talking behind their backs. That’s a whole different topic all together.

@DoNotKnow That’s interesting. My parents were great proponents for the white lie. It’s definitely left a bad taste in my mouth. That’s probably also why I make a conscious effort to do the opposite.

@zenvelo I’m down with your first and third examples. But the second one would feel like a lie to me. Avoidant, at best.

Why’s it gotta be a “white” lie? Racist liars.

@zenvelo – Your haircut example is not a matter of diplomacy and tact.

@jca – Don’t get me wrong. Being nice is really important. But being nice and direct are not incompatible.

Let me take an example from my work (software engineer). Let’s say that I write a component to an app and then I pass it off to a coworker who is working on another component. If I ask him, “What do you think of my work here?”, let’s explore his options (if he doesn’t like it at all)...

a) “It’s great. I’m going to alter a few things, but otherwise it really works well for what I’m doing.”

b) “I really like that other app you wrote.”

c) “I don’t think this approach is correct, and I believe it might be best to start again. ”

Technically, none of these are lies. But one of them is the most honest – c. This would be the nicest and most tactful way to respond. It allows me honest feedback. It provides me with a measure of how my work really is, how it’s being perceived, and allows me to make necessary adjustments. These adjustments will benefit me in my career and will make sure that I don’t expose my lousy code to people who have enough power to decide my employment status. It tells me that this coworker cares enough to tell me this without sugar-coating it. In my opinion, this is the nicest form of communication, and frees me from having to worry about where someone is coming from in the future. It means that I can trust this person.

@jca – I only expressed my mother’s talking behind peoples’ backs story to just offer some background on why I may feel so strongly about honesty and direct communication. I didn’t equate not being honest about a dress with talking behind someone’s back, although they are both harmful (in my opinion).

I totatally agree with @Bill1939. There are instances in social and business interactions when a little fib (I’m avoiding the “white” lie silliness altogether) is better than the unvarnished truth, for life is not always as black and white as some wish it to be . I think of it as diplomacy rather than maliciousness.

I think the truth is almost always best, but not always. It depends on the situation, who the lie is being told to, and why the lie is being told. With my husband and friends I can’t think of many circumstances where a lie is better.

I count lies by omission as lies, but usually I would say that lie is better than a white lie. Still, in general lying isn’t usually a good thing. It causes miscommunication, misunderstandings, and more difficulty in the long run.

White lies like when a friend asks if their dress is too tight, if they were trying on clothes in a store I would be honest and say yes. If she is meeting out at a restaurant I might lie. She can’t do anything at that point about the dress. It depends who it is. My mom I would tell her the truth in the restaurant if she asked, but I wouldn’t just blurt it out.

I always like to say ” No, those pants don’t make you look fat, your fat makes you look fat.” haha

I agree, the truth is always best but there are ways to conceal overtly blunt statements without being completely dishonest. Personally I never ask others for their opinions on clothing or most other things, I am pretty solid in my own assessments 90% of the time and being one that loathes unsolicited advice I try my best to not offer any myself.

@fluthernutter: I think her reasoning is very valid, and I applaud her integrity in recognizing that, and not doing the job (after all, it is work!) but my point is that, unless the potential clients are close to her, and she knows exactly what their reactions would be, it can be somewhat off-putting to be told that someone doesn’t want to work with you, no matter how valid the reasoning. These people may have friends that might not even consider her services if someone they know is upset.
If there are many providers for a certain kind of service, word-of-mouth is very important.

Honesty is always the best policy. However, some things are better left unsaid.

Sometimes.

Every married man knows the answer to this question is…

…yes.