How to overcome this?

This happened to me over my twin brother, who is so handsome. These people are superficial and now that you have learned and been hurt, it won’t happen to you again. You are young, there is so much you can do to feel better and more accepting of your looks, and remember you won’t always feel this way at all.

This is not something that will be an easy fix, but it is possible to come to peace with it.

Remember, inner beauty can grow and last; outer beauty will fade with age. And, he is most likely a sociopath, if he could feign interest in you.

So remind yourself you are lucky to be past this awful person, and if you can, advise your cousin that he is an awful person. If your cousin is a good person, she will not be involved with him; if she is interested in him, then she has no inner beauty and he will end up with what he deserves.

Sadly you have had your first experience with, as @zenvelo said, a narcissistic/sociopathic personality type. They do not always manifest as murderers, the majority of them are simply all about capitalizing on opportunity, whether this is being unfaithful in a relationship or conning someone out of their life savings.
They lack feelings and empathy as to how their actions effect others and are grossly selfish, not caring what trail of destruction they impart on others.
Try to know that this was not ” personal”, meaning this persons behavior has nothing to do with who you are, it was all about them using you as a means to their own end.

Your cousin has no more control over her beauty than you do over what you perceive as your ordinary looks. This is not about your cousins beauty or your feelings of inadequacy ( which is, most likely, self imposed ) it is about meeting up with a shark that used you to get to its preferential prey. If your cousin has half a brain she will reject this guy for his awful behavior and see him for what he truly is, a deceitful and unsavory character.
Trust me, do not think for one minute he cannot or will not end up deceiving your cousin as well.

It is the nature of this beast to always be on the prowl for the next, best, opportunity.
Looks really have nothing to do with it, your cousin may be beautiful but this person will dump her without a backwards glance if something more exciting, prettier, comes along.
You will find someone that is right for you eventually and in the meanwhile, educate yourself about the nature of character disturbances so you will be more aware of what to look for in the future.

It’s not you it’s him.
I understand how hard it is living in the shadow of someone who is so beautiful. My sister is knock dead gorgeous and is also the kindest most considerate person you will ever meet. Being jealous makes me feel like a wicked step sister because she is so kind and has that personality that just draws people to want to know her. I on the other hand, while not ugly by any means, am a lot more introverted and if I’m talking to someone and she walks into the room I become invisible. It’s not her fault, but it makes me sad.
Creating a life separate from my sister has made me realize that I have just as much value as she does. I have a pretty good business mind, I have good intuition and I’m not unpleasant to look at. I finally like myself for who I am and not for who I am compared to her. Just don’t make me hang out with her for more than a few weeks at a time or I will start getting insecure again.
It helps living in separate towns.

Good afternoone @trailsillustrated I’m sorry to hear that, have you ever felt some type of way towards your brother about it ? How did you get over it ? Or is it still affecting you!

I hope this doesn’t last ! thank you :)

@zenvelo Good afternoon! thank you :) I try to be forgiving and understanding. I told my cousin, she think he is disgusting and a bad person. I told he he treated me badly because he see no value in me but things would be different with her. But she still think he is a bad person.

@Coloma good afternoon, thank you for your words, it is so well written :)
I try not to take it personal but it can get hard.

I keep telling myself that (that she has no control over it just like me) but it so unfair, or what is fair I should ask.. Because of all this, I feel like i tainting my relationship with my cousin because sometimes i feel some type of way concerning all this.
We are the same age, but are always treated differently so it makes it hard for me to overlook all the comments, actions and behaviors of others.

I will definitely be on the look out for these unconscious behaviors.

thank you again @Coloma :)

Good afternoon @Judi , thank you for stepping by :)
I totally understand what you went through.
I too feel bad for feeling some type of way(or even jealous) towards my cousin because she didnt control all this. She is very nice to me and I’m just here always thinking about her beauty and why her and why this. I do not like it.

It makes me sad also because we are also the same family meaning I will know her for life, is this my destiny ? :(
People have told me to separate myself from her and make other friend but is that fair to someone who has been nice to me? I wish I was strong enough to be around her without feeling insecure about myself or thinking all this. I wish I could be stronger because we do enjoy spending time together and she did not do anything to me. But I also feel like I can’t really talk about to anyone especially her since it’s not her struggle. She doesn’t know how it feels..

Have you ever talked about it with your sister ?

I have talked about it with my sister and it usually doesn’t go well. She tells me not to feel that way and the truth is, if I could control my feelings I wouldnt feel that way!
How old are you? I can tell you that the older I get the better it gets.

@Judi _ I have also tried talking about this to my cousin but what i get back is not satisfying. for her that have never experienced bullying like I did, she does not understand my pain and why I find myself ugly she just says you are beautiful don’t say that but she doesn’t understand that that’s all I’ve been called growing up compared to her that’s been called beautiful.
So that’s all I know.. I don’t know if you understand what I am saying ?
She tells me things like Aww, dont feel that way ( it easy to just say that) Honestly like you said if I could control it I would definitely not choose to spend my days and nights thinking about it I would use that space for something else but I don’t know what :/
And usually when we speak about it, she just say people are shallow, they are materialistic that is why I have no interest in them. Then it moves to another subject.

It’s like every time I open up to someone they say something unsatisfying then I regret letting a secret go!

I’m 22 years old.

And it’s also hard to explain the feeling to people or herself as I do not want it be seem like jealousy since jealousy includes a feeling of wanting the other not to be what you are jealous of. And i never wish bad to my cousin or anything.

I don’t exactly know what the feeling is, maybe a dip of jealousy but i don’t wish her face get messed up you know. And I don’t want people starting thinking I’m weak and jealous, they will see me as pathetic.

It just obvious that I end up feeling some type of way after all this, especially after what the first man I have ever loved did this to me!

Do you have a life separate from her? A job? School?
It was in those places that I found the validation I needed for myself. I understand exactly how you feel.
My sister is still my best friend, but at 54 I have amassed enough accomplishments on my own that I no longer have to measure my value against hers.
That’s not to say that there aren’t moments…..
A few years ago we were on a cruise together and we both had ice cream cones in our hands. They were melting and one of the staff members (male) came running towards us with napkins in his hands. As I turned and said “oh thank you” he ran right past me as if I were invisable to give them to my sister.
All those old feelings came flooding back and I had a mini melt down. It was only temporary though and I’m better now.

I have a 40 h job and that’s about it. Most of the stuff we do together. But since I have experience a lot of stress before going out I haven’t done anything more than work ad staying home.

I think I will start learning how to sew soon. Just need to get my head around it.

I’m very sorry to hear that, people are so inconsiderate and unconscious that they wont care spitting and standing on people to get to their prey.

Every time I hang with my cousin this summer, there was always someone saying omg she is so beautiful, no not the ugly one this one. Really ? thinking insulting a friend will get you the other. One thing at least is that she doesn’t feel good or smile when someone puts me down to put her up. But still, one afternoon even the guy I loved when we were on skype he was looking at my cousin with loving lusting eyes and at some point shout at me hide your breast. huh !? I was wearing a regular shirt since the morning and I didn’t change just to go on skype the afternoon even my cousin was like what the hell? ?

A old friend of mine I thought was my friend even reject me after I introduce my cousin to her. They starting hanging by 2 all the times, she wanted to do double dates all the time with just her. Even when we were out she would say stuff like okay your cousin and I will go have a smoke outside and we’ll meet you back as if I couldn’t go with them.

In high school the guys would ask how were we related because there was no way in hell we could be real cousin, she was too pretty.

2 summers ago a guy asked for my number ( luckuly i didnt give it ) because the next time we hang and I intruduced her to him, he also started lusting and kept asking for her number. Tell yourself ive known him for 2 years, he has a girlfriend and asked about 4 times for her number, I told him to stop she is not interested and at some point, he said all girls are beautiful but some are just more attractive than other ( useless comment to add!)

More experiences, but the worse was my first love.

But I must try to be strong because there are so many unconscious people on Earth

@Judi please see above

What someone else does to you, doesn’t directly say much, if anything, about you.

Consider also who this person is. As you’ve written, he developed a relationship with you but doesn’t care about you, for a predatory advance on your cousin. That’s a nasty, damaged, dysfunctional person. He is so damaged that he has descended into this abusive shell role and is cut off from his own humanity. That disconnection is what allows people to live inside fake shells.

I think you’d do well to re-interpret your sense of humiliation and upset. It doesn’t mean you’re bad or did something wrong. It means you were targeted by a predator who had an instinct that you were hurt in a way that you would be vulnerable.

I also think that your sense of inferiority and competition with your cousin is misdirected. You’re not inferior; you’re different. You’re not in competition, either. In fact, it’s a good thing you weren’t that creep’s final target, or he might’ve stayed around and done far more damage. Also, one good thing about not being the obvious magnet for lechers, is that the lechers don’t tend to hit on you as much, and when people do want to get to know you, they’re far more likely to be people who actually want a real relationship.

These are all warning signs about what’s injured and vulnerable in you, and what needs healing and development in you. That’s valuable. Get all of that identified and healed.

@Inconito101 well I was kind of heart broken all the time because I was the only ugly one in the family. I was bullied relentlessly, asked if I was adopted. But I became beautiful later, and so will you.

@trailsillustrated happy to hear it became better for you later!
im 22 so puberty is over for me :/ _’’ lol ..

@Zaku Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts on this, I really appreciate it!

In my observations, I too came to the conclusion that he must be broken inside and not well to do this to someone because no happy or even good person would ever do that to someone else.
But the thing that bug me is that most of these people who acts unconsciously [ when you say : ’‘He is so damaged that he has descended into this abusive shell role and is cut off from his own humanity. That disconnection is what allows people to live inside fake shells.’’ ] are not even aware of their unconscious behaviors. He seems happy and satisfy with his life. He is living, having fun while I’m home still sad about all this. His Ego controls all, he is not aware that he is damage, so do I tell myself he feels damage to make me feel better about his actions because when I look at it he seem very good, do you even think he is aware of the damage in him ?

What do you mean by ’’ who had an instinct that you were hurt in a way that you would be vulnerable. ’’ Do you mean he saw me as an easy target and said to himself : oh her cousin is very beautiful I can’t get her so let me go for the one on the side, looks like she would be easy since she doesn’t look like guys talk to her a lot ?

I feel bad because I usually don’t bother when guys try to talk to me especially when I’m with my cousin so for me to have given that one guy a chance,(and I never believe when someone likes me) so it took time to open up and trust him. When I realized what was happening I was so hurt because it all came down to me being right about not being lovable and especially when I’m standing next to my cousin. I disgust myself because I realized all the time he looked at me behind it was feels of I don’t really like her. So to know someone force themselves into talking to me makes me feel bad about myself.My cousin is no where near interested in him but still I feel like I messed up and went in between them and I think this is the reason why he doesn’t talk to me at all anymore because I think he might be thinking, the fact that I talk or keep talking to her, ill never have a chance with the cousin. I would of never accepted it, if he would have told me from the get go I like your cousin, I would of left them space.

Yes you are right, there is no competition but with all peoples remarks and all I’ve heard since young it does feel like one and I’ no where in the winning lane. I wonder why people always feel the need to states their opinion about people’s appearances. If I could just hear without being affected by it it would be easier but I work on it..

Its so ridiculous because at the end of the day I have never been mean to him, and he never ever got to know my cousin, she could be devil or angel, but he decided to talk to me in a disgusting way and talk to her so nicely, so unfair. to who ? so what is fair _ ’’ it’s hard.

You are right about what you say about not being the obvious magnet lol xD I need to focus on whats important but the daily life experiences weights heavy.

How could I see more warning signs ? I would like to know more because it is very understandable that I am responsible for whatever happens in my life and I can learn from every experiences but when you are directly in the story you can be blinded!

Good day friend :)

His Ego controls all, he is not aware that he is damage, so do I tell myself he feels damage to make me feel better about his actions because when I look at it he seem very good, do you even think he is aware of the damage in him ?

No, his Ego and conscious thoughts will be either entirely or mostly unaware, forgetting, or doing everything it can to avoid thinking about or believing any thoughts about his own deep issues. He has massive elaborate Ego Defenses that create a view of himself and the world designed to convince himself that he is happy and comfortable and good. This is now a habit after probably most or all of his life doing this to avoid confronting what was once a horrible experience as a child. There will be layers and layers of these defenses, because his mind generates them all the time to avoid facing what’s inside.

If you want to comfort yourself momentarily by reflecting on how miserable he is and be sure that this isn’t just unfair and he’s winning some game, then know that the Ego is just surface thoughts. His core self is deeply injured, so much so that he can’t face it and needs to live a fake existence to hide it from himself. These people play really hard to try to get the symbols that are supposed to make them happy, but they do it as an invented persona that isn’t them. Inside, they know that, and never feel satisfied, and so tend to generate more drama and chaos and superficial “success” attempts until they eventually implode, because they are empty inside.

However, dwelling on thoughts of competition with these people is falling into their own Ego-made illusion about their own happiness. They need that too, and hungrily try to generate agreement for their own illusions, and one type of people they try to sweep up in that story is their victims, and the shame they invoke upon them. Trying to win against them is to give too much validation to their mind games, and to stay in the swirl of their crap. In particular, if you talk to them (or people you both know) about how they’re actually miserable and you came out better, their Ego may very likely want to revisit you in some way to preserve its own illusion of happiness by trying to win some other imaginary contest with you. The real way to be free of that is to realize they’re twisted and that it has nothing to do with you.

What do you mean by ’’ who had an instinct that you were hurt in a way that you would be vulnerable. ’’ Do you mean he saw me as an easy target and said to himself : oh her cousin is very beautiful I can’t get her so let me go for the one on the side, looks like she would be easy since she doesn’t look like guys talk to her a lot ?

Well he might have actually thought that, or some or all of it may have been subconscious. His Ego may live in a bubble where he’s a likable person with no problems who would never think such a thing and is innocent, since his machinery is designed to keep him from facing both his hurt, and what a jerk he’s being, even though it ends up having him re-enact some childhood drama where he was the victim, but now he gets to be the perpetrator… also while not facing that that’s what he’s doing.

There are quite a few different personality types that this can result in, so I don’t know the details for him.

But yes, sick people who abuse other people, develop strong abilities to find people who will let them abuse them, though it’s often not particularly conscious, for the reasons I just mentioned. It’s more like they go around in their abusive Ego field, and the people with healthy boundaries and defenses prickle and avoid them, or don’t respond to their bullshit well, so they wander around until they find people who don’t detect that something’s weird about them. And, they latch onto anyone who is actually receptive, as well as people who somehow fit into their bullshit patterns, which are based somehow on the trauma they’re trying to heal from.

This often results in two people feeling a strange attraction, fascination, and seeming understanding or fire with each other. That’s often because their unhealed childhood injuries have something in common, and those old wounds want healing. A healthy loving relationship can even bring healing, by providing a safe place to gently expose and nurture those old wounds and bring understanding. After all, who wants to hold someone and hear them wail and cry about some childish issues that won’t go away, except someone who has sympathy because something similar happened to them? But when one or both of the people are unhealthy, you get abusive and/or codependent relationships instead, where the shit keeps coming up and the defense patterns and abuse just gets reinforced.

But yes, it’s another great reason to use this opportunity to look at what is there in you that had you attracted to him, and not repulsed by him, and not rejecting him as soon as you discovered things were wrong.

One thing you can try is healing meditation. Go over what happened but listen to your body more than your mind. You know the information of the story all too well so you don’t need to think about it, but just remember it and feel what part has the strongest emotional feeling.

Start by finding a time and place where you can be alone and have peace and quiet for a while. Find the feelings and just try to feel them in your body and not think about them, but let them be felt, and breathe deeply. If you put your attention on experiencing the feeling, your body can process it and you may just know without thinking more about what it was about, and the emotion can heal. By making a practice of this, you can understand what’s going on inside you and heal it, layer by layer.

It’s not an easy thing to do, and our own ego defenses resist it, but once you can do that, all sorts of healing and understanding open up.

@Zaku Namaste friend.

I definitely agree with all you’ve said. Life is so complex but really simple(i know it is but). I feel like its full of contractions that really makes sense but we have to dig deep, detach and untangle all. And I believe in these simple truths. The problem is I happen to fall in and out of consciousness. Plus with my daily life mixed with my thoughts and past experiences, every time i try to meditate i come back to thoughts or if i fall back in the dark hole i stay stuck-_- . Its understandable that many try to look outside for happiness or fulfillment because the way in has been clogged with delusions. Each layers could bring pain and changing ones behaviours and habits can be hard. Takes time, work and dedication just like a work out. Im not consistent but i wish to be stronger to eventually become. But at time I wonder what the point of all this work towards your higher self is worth for if majority of society is asleep, unconscious and happy with their life. :/ or why majority of humans suffers?

Even though this episode hurt like hell, I do not wish him bad or even want to revenge. I have compassion for him and wish for him to be happy. I admit at first I just wanted him to suffer like I did but no. If I could only just erase all his thoughts, mental images, conversations about me it would be nice.

I think he is insecure too with all he’ve done. Hes an Aquarius.

I think the root of all this is a lack of self love on both parts.

And I have work on myself a lot but this episode just pushed me further back on my path. It is so hard for me to detach from things and breaking down the layers to get to tune in with what really is is very challenging. I always think if I didn’t spend so much time in my thoughts and sadness what would the space bring or be used for and I’m clueless :/

Thank you again for all this, you remind me I should get back on track in my path. Hopefully soon enough

@Inconito101 This seems like the Same Question you asked back in January? It’s still bothering you and it looks like you are having a very hard time dealing with the situation on your own and you need some help dealing with a lack of self esteem and a lack of confidence.

It seems like you are depressed and obsessed with this situation. I think it’s probably time for you to seek some professional help from a trained counselor. There’s only so much that we as strangers on a website can offer you. The most important thing we can do is try to steer you in the right direction, for something that can actually help you and I think professional help is what you need right now.

Are you in school? If so, it’s most likely that your school counselor can steer you in the direction of a professional that can help you.

Do you have a physician? He or she can direct you to a counselor or therapist that can probably help you.

Here is some information about Self Esteem Issues and what types of therapies are available and useful to treat this type of problem. I hope you will seek help as soon as possible. Good luck to you.

@Kardamom: Good memory, good searching!