Would I regret not inviting or revealing this to relatives?

This is obviously a very stressful time for you already. I think you need to take care of your S/O and yourself primarily. Do you have contact with those two normally or are you estranged? Maybe you should not tell them until later? What does your other daughter think?

I would call them each to let them know what is going on, yet make it clear that they are welcome to attend any services but not welcome in the house. And don’t offer to pay for them to come, they each need to get there them selves.

You would be covering your social obligation to let them know of your S.O.‘s health and possible passing, but you are not in any way obligated to enable their disrupting your life or any of the memorials by paying for the bus or allowing them in your house. It is their own responsibility get themselves to a funeral.

And, if and when they miss it and blame you, it would be one more time to say, “your own behavior is why you could not make it, take responsibility for your own life.”

I would advise you only do what you can personally manage.

Someday when they have decided to choose recovery, part of their story will be about how their alcoholism and other behaviors alienated them from family and caused them to miss the funeral of somebody they cared about. They will feel regret that their choices caused a missed opportunity, but they will eventually work through their pain and find forgiveness for themselves and others in the process of recovery. At that point all of the mishaps of their alcoholic lives will be water under the bridge.

You are going through an emotional time and you need to take care of your own health to get through this. You do not need to be worrying about anything other than you and your s/o. Everyone above gave you great advice.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I do think you should let them know, because there is a good chance not telling them will hurt you later on – and those two, very soon. If you don’t want to make the call, is there anyone else who could do it?

In any case, you are not obligated to give up your house. You need to take all the time and space you require to take care of yourself. I’m truly sorry this is happening to you.

P.S.: You do not seem insensitive at all. Far from it.

Do you think you can realistically not allow them in your house if they are in the area? I didn’t think so.
Will their presence give you one molecule of support or solace? I didn’t think so.
Can you feel comfortable with them being in your home alone while you attend to any business at hand? I didn’t think so.

Look, you have enough stuff on you plate right now. You do not need any more crap piled on. I wouldn’t call them at all. If another relative tells them, too bad. You have nothing to do with it. No support should be provided.

I recall other posts you made about certain issues you had with them. They sounded like leeches and bullies. You don’t need that in your life.

Can you let someone you trust, stay in your home and watch it for you while you are out? Some scumbags slimeballs people read the obits and use them to target homes. .

I’m with Lucky Guy. Based on your past posts, these two have problems with limits. You own them nothing.

Just focus on yourself and your s/o’s final moments. As soon as the funeral is over, let them know. Say it all happened fast and you had no time to think. Tell them they will be welcome to a future memorial. You already have so much on your back, the last thing you need is more uphill. Courage to you and take care.

You already know what you want to do and know you should. Just let them know that in this time of your grieving that your house is your sanctuary and at this time is off limits to everyone. Don’t offer any explanations and only tell them you expect them to honor your request. I am sorry you are going through such a tough time…hugs.

Here’s another complication. Would your partner like to see them before he dies?

My opinion is “Hell no.” Just like @LuckyGuy said. No way no how, no way, Jose.

Would you regret not inviting them into your home? If you do, YOU SHOULD NOT.

They have repeatedly violated your trust. They have not earned the right to be allowed into your home. When they chose the behavior, they chose the consequences. Drug addicts usually end up alienating every friend and family member they have before they come to their senses and begin to seek sobriety.

Chaos is the inevitable accompaniment for those in active addiction. That is the last thing you need near you at this time.

They have made their choices and priorities clear. Perhaps one day when they decide to get sober they will ask for your forgiveness. But that hasn’t happened yet.

Don’t burden yourself with false guilt for refusing to deal with them. It truly is false guilt. Don’t allow them to manipulate you.

First priority is the guy who is on his deathbed. He’s the #1 priority.

You don’t need distractions and hassles at this time.

Everything else flows from that determination.

I’m sorry Aster, what a difficult situation. I agree with others that say let them know but otherwise it is up to them to figure out whether or not they can attend any services should things come to that and make other arrangements for their stay.
Yes, your only priority s your SO and taking care of YOUR needs at this time.
My deepest sympathies.

I don’t have any advice except to listen to your heart.
I just wanted to really offer my condolences. I wish I coulld give you a hug. If he comes home, take advantage of the services hospice has to offer. I’m a volunteer and spent the other morning cleaning a ladies house. We are hear to ease the burden however you need us and we are not called often enough. Medicare mandates that a carton percentage of hospice hours be volunteer. Whether it’s respite or picking something up for you at the store, or just listening, there are people there to support you.
All you need to worry about is insuring your s/o is treated with the dignity and respect they deserve and gets to spend these days on their own terms. Wish I could give you a big hug! Just realized I already said that.

I can’t add anything to the excellent advice above. It’s an awful situation for you to be in. Right now you need to focus on your partner and yourself. I can understand you’re feeling very torn about what is the ‘right’ thing to do, but has been said, the right thing is to look after your partner and yourself. I too want to offer my condolences.

I can’t thank you enough for all the sensitive answers . My daughter came up with this plan: IF he passes and the funeral is, say, in 3 days to tell these two the day before and they will never be able to get here with such little notice. Besides; she doesn’t even know where her son is. She won’t even call the police. So typical of her. At any rate, my husband is knocked out today and tomorrow then he’ll have his broken hip repaired and they’ll try to get him up on a walker. God; what a sad, sad time. So he had zero pain today unlike yesterday. He still has cancer in his second thyroid node to be removed in six weeks. Not so sure I agree with that one. Thanks again.

Oh @Aster, how hard. This sounds silly, but don’t forget to exhale. When we get stressed like this it’s easy to spend a lot of time literally holding our breath and forgetting to exhale. If you give yourself five minuets a day to breath deep through your nose and slowly but fully exhale through your mouth you will have a little more energy to make it through those dificult times.

@Aster Reading all the ideas above, my strong feeling is to ignore the problem people. Don’t call them. If they want to be of service, they will call you.

Take care of your husband and take care of yourself. You have no other obligations right now. All people will understand this.

Look after yourself and your s/o’s wishes right now. You don’t owe anyone else anything. @LuckyGuy is absolutely right. A big virtual hug from this side of the Atlantic.