How do you get over/react to finding out your SO was still seeing/having sex with another during the early weeks of your relationship?

If you and she are in love now, then drop the past. Get over it. There is no possible good that can come from rehashing the past which is dead and gone. And there are lots of negatives to fucking up something that is going well.

So either drop it – today. Or you will piss her off so badly that she will be gone tomorrow.

Don’t be an ass. If you are happy now, and she is happy now, then the past is irrelevant.

(Unless this is a subtle way of saying you are looking for an excuse to dump her now)

Live in the now.

Sounds like she chose you. She was dating both of you before you were exclusive with each other.

Live in the now is great but…one shouldn’t overlook anothers past entirely either.
I get the “official” thing, but really, sleeping with two men at once is just kinda nasty IMO.
I mean what, did she sleep with both of you within the same week, same month, same day even? I guess it would depend on the time frame. If you two had a couple of casual dates and she had a fling with the old flame at some point during the first month or so, maybe let it go, but….if she was simultaneously screwing you both within a few days, or in the same day I’d see that as a red flag that screamed, ” I’m not giving up the squeeze I’ve got til I’m sure I have another one hooked. That just screams of insecurity and game playing IMO. I’m an older women and a 70’s girl and even in the era of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll I didn’t double dip my lovers.

Women want 3 things…#1 feeling safe and secure especially with their man, #2 Feeling loved and cared for…to feel that the person they are with has their best interests at heart for ever and ever. #3 Feeling that they trust you and you will be able to support each other through thick and thin.

She has or may have had that with her old BF (or not) and apparently has warmed up to you being the next best thing in her life….be that strong safe place for her to come to instead of feeling insecure over her being equally as insecure in her now trying to decide if you are her night in shining armor. If you challenge her on her choice and make her defend her actions you stand a strong chance of sending her back to what’s his name. Be cool and let her know you are there because you want to spend quality time with her while making her feel more special that her previous BF. It is all up to you to make this happen.

Short of killing yourself, break it off. Permanently! Trust is EVERYTHING!!!

To quote Dan Savage, your price of admission for a long term relationship is to get over this.

You were not in an exclusive relationship with her, so she did not do anything dishonest or deceitful. In fact, she told you she was seeing someone else at the time.

So, your choice is to either end the relationship now, because you cannot accept this, or forget it and move on in building the future with her. And if you do accept that this happened, and was not cheating or distrustful, then you must never bring it up again. That is the cost to you of having a relationship with her.

Maybe not ideal but better than finding out that it was the last six weeks of your relationship.

I would say that it is time to sit down and meditate on this.

IF you believe you are going to have a problem with this from now on then maybe it would be best for both of you to go your separate ways.
If you can come to grips with it and HONESTLY feel that the past is the past, she has made her choice the her choice was you; if you can accept that then just drop it, never mention it again and get on enjoying each other for the rest of your life.

If you are going to bring this up
every time you guys argue then cut her loose now.
Because she couldn’t read your mind and see into the future you are holding something against her that she can do absolutely nothing about.
Planning a life and a future will be pretty shitty if you are going to hold this over her head.
Either resolve to let it go or let her go. I see misery in both of yours future if you hang onto this.

If anything goes south, you are going to bring yourself back to this point in (mind) -er-time? Your trust in this person has been jolted. All the things you thought you both had in common, is now questionable. Dealing with someone you believed, in essence, lied while you were placing the cornerstones of your long term relationship.
In a perfect world, you’d let it go, feel great that you were the number one. You were chosen over one other person. yea….
Are you looking for a perfect match 110%?
They don’t exist.
Can you trust someone who essentially slept with another- then you, then him, then you…
Ew.
Yet, if she ups and leaves, are you going to pull a “Stella!” with a t-shirt, scream and cry and mope about? Think hard.
Then decide how to cope.
When you get into a verbal argument- save this insult until things are reeeally nasty, because this will definitely wound. One that won’t heal. It’s already bothering you to the point it’s on the tip of your tongue to bring up in the inevitable rough spots of a relationship. Somehow an “I’m sorry” doesn’t sound like you would definitely buy it. Who would?
If she’s worth it, figure out how to deal and get away from this.
If you are at all questioning, save both of you from the hurt that isn’t going away easily.
I truly wish you luck. Love takes lots of hard work.
Don’t jump right in your decision. Step back, take a breath and think on it. By yourself.

When hubby and I were first married we had one of our first challenges, where we disagreeing on something big (can’t remember what it was now.)
He said something like “Maybe we should just get a divorce!”
I said, “If that’s even an option, let’s do it now. I refuse to spend my life living with that threat hanging over my head. Either we’re family and in it for the long haul or we’re not and I want to get on with my life!”
He decided he wanted to be married and tbe “D” word hasn’t been spoken for 25 years.
If I were her I would give you the same kind of ultimatum.
“Either you forgive me or you don’t but I refuse to live my life feeling less than, judged, and guilty. If this is the first thing you are going to think about every time we argue, let me loose now to find someone who loves and accepts me exactly as I am.”

I’m here because I want to make this work and get over this. I definitely see a future with her.

I have already made the move of just trying to forget the past and move on… but it still wanders back into my head every now and then and really bothers me. As someone said, it’s like the cornerstone of the relationship. And the thought of yes, one day sex with him, then with me, then him thr next day, then me…. which happened… bothers me.

I need like some kind of method to just get over this or something. The price of entry thing is a concept I’ve used in the past and am trying now… and it works most of the time. But not always.

Thank you all for your input so far though.

There’s no simple solution here. You have to change your actual philosophy and outlook on sex and what it means to be in a relationship/committed to someone. First, you need to realize that not everyone approaches sexuality and relationships the same way.

Unless, in the very beginning, you were outspoken enough that she could understand, in no uncertain terms, how you personally felt about people having sex with multiple people at the same time, she didn’t do anything to hurt you and it couldn’t even be considered sneaky. If she has a different outlook on sex and relationships, that’s all there is to it and you need to respect that.

No one can or should assume that people feel the same way that they do about things. In the beginning, if it was that big of a deal to you, it was your responsibility to make clear your feelings on the matter. If you didn’t, it’s on you. If you didn’t, she has nothing to be sorry for.

Knowing that – even if what happened sucks for you – should be enough to help you get over it. She’s a human being who was trying to figure out what she wanted/needed. She chose you. That’s all that matters as long as she didn’t lie and wasn’t actually sneaky about anything. Get over it, or it will most likely ruin your relationship.

guid1234… Your question has stayed on my mind. If you both love each other and this is a stumbling block- please go to see couple’s councilor. Honestly. Get a third party trained to face it, work through it, and then you both can decide your fates. Don’t listen to what my friend calls: the raggedy-assed multitudes. ( yes, I am included )
If you want happily ever after- get off here and go to someone who really knows what to do.
Sinerely, I hope all works out for you. Please make the effort- you are both worth it- right?
Take good care~

” This put me off quite a bit, as my own dating etiquette has always been that if you are SERIOUS about dating someone then you are only dating them, even if you haven’t made it official yet. I would only consider dating multiple people at once if I wasn’t serious about any of them. And I’ve had this reinforced over my life experiences in dating and from friends.”
About this: Take responsibility. If you have some agreement you’d like another person to behave by, then tell them about it up-front, or else you have no reason to expect them to know that’s what you want, and your not telling them is the cause of them not knowing. You have only yourself to blame, and once you get that, you can get over it. If you try to avoid responsibility by pretending there’s some reason for them to be responsible for it, it’ll just bug you because part of you knows this is true.

”...sleeping with him, whilst simultaneously seeing and sleeping with me. This really hurt me as some of our early dates were, or so I thought, really great and even super romantic and passionate. To the point where I couldn’t even have fathomed going to kiss, let alone sleep with, someone else… this putting me off as she apparently wasn’t as blown away as I was….. Then come to find later, she was even seeing us one day after another! At least twice she saw him on a Friday and then me on a Saturday (or vice versa), having a date/sex/sleeping over with both of us.”
Again, yeah that’s on you too. This is why communicating what you want up front is great, and why not doing it leads to messy problems. Having it be “this really hurt me” instead of “I foolishly failed to say I wanted us to be exclusive sex partners sooner, and expected it was so, so I was living a fantasy only I knew about and now have to face that I was responsible for that disappointment”, also is messy and will continue to screw things up.

It may be true that you feel this way, but not everyone does. Many men and women think it’s great (and even romantic) to have multiple sex partners, so you can’t expect them to be on the same page if you don’t say anything about your feelings before it’s too late. It can be a good reason to explain these things up front too not just for upset romantic feelings but also because the potential health of multiple people is involved.

” But how do I get over this recurring feeling that I’ve been cheated on, or at least fooled or shamboozled or whatever you want to call it early on in our relationship? If moments that were really awesome and meant a lot to me weren’t enough to keep her from having sex with someone the next day, then what about future moments? I’m not even sure what day to say is our “anniversary” .. I refuse to list the day we went on our first date (as seems to be the MO) since she was still seeing another guy. How do I get over this?”
You get over it by taking responsibility and owning it. She’s been honest and gracious. It is a common expectation in modern dating that people can do what they want until someone says something. And in any relationship, even when there are strong common cultural moral rules, it is still prudent and best to be very clear about any agreements you would like there to be between you and people you’re in relationship with. If you don’t say anything, you have no ground to stand on when you expect the other person to do or not do something you never communicated about. I’m confident that part of you knows this and is really upset that you didn’t have that talk sooner, but is also afraid to realize that if you had, then this wouldn’t have happened. Whatever you do, do not try to blame her or fault her or make it about her. That’s a blame game that will just taint the relationship. Own it and heal it and be glad she’s understanding and not calling you out. Once you accept your own part in it and stop trying to blame her or the universe, I expect you’ll get over it.
Make sure you aren’t still leaving your expectations undefined. Such as, staying together, behavior around other people, etc. Maybe you should define your “anniversary” as being around the day of your committed relationship, or something – talk to her about it and get on the same page on everything.

I guess one of the points I’m getting at that is being missed here. .. is that my take has always been if you’re serious about someone you are exclusive even if it’s not been decided yet… and whilst there may be no universal requirement, it strikes me as meaning she wasn’t serious about us.

And point blank I’m not going to blame myself for having not told her early on that I wanted to be exclusive. I have plenty of faults in this, my own inability to ignore past relationships for example… I have a hard time hearing about any past boy friends or hook ups or anything of hers thanks to a long standing issue jealousy-ish issue…. but I find it quite perverted to think I’m at fault for not awkwardly pointing out exclusive expectations a week or two in… and I find it rather gross, regardless, to be sleeping with two separate people one day after another, or hell possibly the same day… ESPECIALLY if you’re thinking one of these two is a potential major significant other.

@guid1234: I hear you still going over and over why what she did is not excusable. I don’t see you getting over this any time soon. It’s sad but I say cut her loose.

@guid1234 I myself don’t date two people at once. If I like someone I just date them and no one else interests me. I guess if I met two people at about the same time the situation might come up that I date them both a little bit, but I don’t think I would do it for long, because it’s not my nature. I wouldn’t need one of them to ask or say we are exclusive, for me to stop dating one, it would just be natural for me not to keep seeing both.

However, I would say it’s good to date around a little. I’m not talking about sleeping around, but getting to know people through dating before becoming exclusive.

I think you aren’t going to get over it. Is it that you don’t trust her now? Or, you’re just disgusted thinking about her with the other guy? If you think it is a big deal, break up.

@guid1234 is that my take has always been if you’re serious about someone you are exclusive even if it’s not been decided yet You said it there yourself. You yourself may have decided it is best for you to be ‘exclusive’ and committed to this new gal in your life but it seems she did not get the memo. Lick your wounds and man up and take a stand in showing her you are the better choice. 9 months is indeed a long enough time for either of you to know if this relationship is right and time for you to find our her deep feelings for you. If she needs “more time to think about it” then you have a choice to keep trying to win her heart or leave the relationship and seek another Mrs. Right.

If it was me that would be a huge red flag. Run like hell.

….is that my take has always been if you’re serious about someone you are exclusive even if it’s not been decided yet…
I am one of those who disagree with you on this and agree more with your GF. You guys were going out, she was going out with someone else before you. She did not suddenly stop her prior relationship because you guys were in the formative stage of the relationship and you did not have an exclusive on her at the time (still don’t if you want to get right down to it). After the trial period, she has decided to see you exclusively. Be thankful, or not, but you need to move on from this.
Different people have different outlooks. Hers was not yours, and in all likelyhood, never will be.

@Jleslie there is definitely a disgust in thinking that she did something with another man so close to being with me.

And I see the point people are making about different takes on the etiquette here… while I very firmly disagree, that is not why I’m here. I’m seeking some kind of actual advice on how to cope with or deal with this. Simply saying “move on and get over it ”... is not really a helpful solution.

You know, this is so much on the individual, in this case, you. You may find people who were in a similar situation but even then, what worked for them may not be right for you.
The simplest answer would be to get help from a professional such as a psychologist or psychiatrist but even then they can only assist you in coming to a solution that will work for you, not give you the answer you seek.

Best advice I can give you, something that works in almost any given situation concerning two individuals, is for both of you to sit down and talk it out and keep talking until you come to some kind of resolution that will work for you. She evidently has already come to terms with your relationship. The onus is on you.

One other thing though, in your original question you stated: ” I’m not even sure what day to say is our “anniversary” .. I refuse to list the day we went on our first date (as seems to be the MO) since she was still seeing another guy.”

I think you already know the answer but you just don’t like it.

I’m seeking some kind of actual advice on how to cope with or deal with this. It really comes down to time to ‘man up’. Be the man a woman expects them to be. Do not talk about the other guy or whine about that she was or is still seeing this other person. It happened and nothing can change that. But you can change your attitude about your relationship with her. If I were you I would try to connect with her on an emotional and spiritual level that you both can bond and connect to. Time to do out and do things as a couple that she and you enjoy. Go do something that she likes to do that maybe you don’t particularly like to do and those kind of moments go a long way to creating bonds that strengthen relationships to where an exclusive relationship will naturally form. Do not whine or have a pity party over something you cannot control. Control your own emotions and DON’T wear your heart on your sleeve, be the man any wants and expects. Good luck!

It seems to me that you had here is a failure to communicate. You expected her to have the same behavior in early dating as you had. Since it doesn’t sound like you talked about it, I can’t see that she was wrong for following her own standard. I don’t see it as a matter of trust but I do understand the “ick” factor.

If you really do want to make this work and this is a real issue for you, perhaps a few sessions with a therapist on your own would help you sort out how you want to handle things.

Neuroplasticity is a property of the human brain – it means that changes to our behavior and thought patterns physically alter our brain. You “get over” something by deliberately focusing your attention on thoughts that are more useful to you. Over time, the neurons that fire together wire together (physically) and it becomes easier and easier to experience the useful thoughts.

For example, suppose you look at a photo from early in your relationship and it triggers negative emotions about this whole incident. Let the thoughts pass through your consciousness. Just observe them momentarily and then deliberately focus your attention on a thought that is more useful – maybe a great memory that you have with your girlfriend. Try to keep your attention on the useful thought for at least 20 or 30 seconds. Dwell on it. You’re using your mind to physically alter your brain for the better.

Do not lose heart – you will “get over it” with time.

There’s an old Chinese proverb which is appropos here.

“You can’t prevent the birds of sorrow from flying overhead but you can refuse to allow them to make nests in your hair.”

Substitute whatever emotion you want for the word “sorrow” ( jealousy, distrust, regret,) and you get the picture.

Changing what happened in the past is not an option. So you either have to make up your mind to leave the past in the past or end the relationship.

Those are your only two choices and you need to pick one first. If you don’t want to end the relationship, then you need to clean out all the nests (of resentment, distrust, jealousy, regret, whatever) and steadfastly refuse to allow new ones to be constructed.

How is this done, you ask. By doing as @Lawn and others have suggested. STOP DWELLING ON IT.

Whenever negative thoughts come (flying overhead) IMMEDIATELY replace with something positive (plans for your future as a couple, something nice she did or said recently, whatever gives you a contented feeling).

If you keep doing this repeatedly, your outlook will change.

But this will only work if you determine to do it. Right now you’re still in the stage of needing to convince the rest of us just how egregious her action was and how much it hurt you.

If you continue in that direction and keep repeating it to yourself then you may as well break up now.

Some of us agree with how you feel and why and others of us don’t. But it’s your life. She did not cheat on you. She was not dishonest with you. The only thing she did was have a different understanding of dating etiquette from yours.

So, it’s your choice whether you want a future with her. If so, you need to start to discipline your mind to dwell on the present and future NOT the past.

Yes, I know that’s an old fashioned word not much in use anymore, DISCIPLINE.
But if you want a happy future you need to discipline your mind to forgive the past and focus SOLELY on the future.

Every time a bird with a past memory flies overhead, refuse it nesting privileges. Replace it with a present or future thought.

But you’re the only one who can do that and it takes persistence. You need to stop justifying your hurt feelings (to yourself, not to us) and realize that she had absolutely no intention to hurt you by her behavior.

If you keep nursing the hurt, it will continue to grow and eventually turn to resentment and hate. Stop feeding it.

Yes, it’s difficult. There is no easy shortcut because there is none. You need to do it step by step and day by day. Replace the negative with positive.

If you feel that you simply can’t do that or that you shouldn’t have to because you’re entitled to feel hurt over this, then spare both her and yourself any future torture and misery and just part ways.

There are really only two choices. There is no magic wand. Learn to discipline your mind or find another partner. It’s up to you.

Well, she should leave you. You assume too many things, you blame people for not living or thinking just like you do and she deserves a man who doesn’t judge her for his hang-ups.

@guid1234, aside from professional counseling, “move on or get over it” are really your only options.

I don’t know how old you are, but as you get older the people you date will mostly have had sex with multiple people. The number will go up and up. If that’s going to bother you you might need to really think about if your expectations are realistic.

We aren’t in your relationship. If she is causing you to feel insecure or you don’t feel confident in her values, integrity, and that she is very dissimilar to you; pay attention to the red flags if they are there and get out! I don’t know if that’s happening, if she is doing other things that bother you, and you are over focusing on what happened when you started dating.

@guid1234 People have given you a lot of good advice. Your failure to communicate in the beginning isn’t her fault. It could only have been wrong if you’d expressed your feelings on the matter, and you didn’t. You’re acting as if she’s guilty of something when she isn’t. That is wrong of you, regardless of how you feel on the matter.

I wouldn’t personally like it if someone I was seeing and/or sleeping with was also sleeping with other people, either. However, I fully recognize that unless I tell the person about my personal feelings on the matter, they are literally incapable of doing anything that I have a right to get mad or hurt about.

This is why these things need to be discussed in the beginning of relationships. That way you and the other person can assess whether or not you’re even ultimately compatible. I realize that’s too late now, but you really do need to realize that you don’t have any right to be bothered by her actions. Unless, like I said before, she was sneaky about things since in that case it would show dishonesty on her part. But that doesn’t seem to be the case.

As other people have suggested, I will also suggest seeing a relationship counselor if you can’t just accept that what she did in the past is in the past, and that she was and is a fully functioning human being who had sex with other people before you.

Does your girlfriend even know that you’re harboring these kind of feelings?

Are most of you reading my posts? A few have tried to give solid answers that seem to be taking into account my responses, but most only seem interested in trying to talk down to me from some moral high ground.

-Yes, my gf knows this troubles me. It’s come up several times and I’ve made my position on it quite clear. She has apologized for causing me heartache/pain, but obviously cannot change the past (which I’m not stupid, I know that) and doesn’t think what she did was wrong, which is obviously a point of contention.
-I am not here complaining because my gf had sex with people before me. We’re both in our 30s, I’m not an idiot or a hypocrit for that matter. What I AM complaining about is that she chose to have sex with someone else potentially the same day as me and definitely after having had sex with me for the first time.
-I’ve already determined I’m going to continue this relationship, this isn’t a question of should I keep dating her. It’s a question of coping mechanisms when something that pains me a lot starts to bother me.

@tinyfaery right because no one comes with hang ups or baggage to a relationship. What an incredibly dumb answer.

@lawn @buttonstc thank you for what we’re mostly good answers.

@guid1234: Coping mechanisms: Deal with it in your head or go to a therapist. Those are about the only two choices. If every time you’re going to look at her or argue with her, the thought is going to come back to you, then maybe you are better off breaking up with her. I know you say you want to stay with her, but you are probably going to drive her away if you keep harping on this or throwing it in her face every time you get mad.

Also, to come onto a site like this and tell other people that they gave you dumb answers is incredibly rude and ungrateful.

I have learned that I can change my “attitude”. By switching my thoughts/and or physically doing something else. Bring the body and the mind will follow. That has helped me.

@jca the answer I called dumb wasn’t helpful, and frankly was rude to me… saying essentially I’m an ass and my gf should leave me for someone better, as if THIS is the only issue that defines us as a couple.

More to your first point though, I do not throw this in her face regularly, or even often. Most of the time I think I do pretty well at ignoring it and forgetting it ever happened. Sometimes though it shows up in my head, and I’m just seeing if there are better methods of coping and moving on from it. I definitely do not hold this against her or even bring it up every time it comes up

@guid1234 You have articulated to a bunch of relative strangers that you decided the relationship was serious enough to you but what is clearly missing is that if you ever discussed this with her early on. It seems to me that you understandably took your first time in bed with her serious enough to establish that in your mind the relationship crossed the threshold of love and trust in each other to be able to share such an intimate moment. I am lacking the history of you and her prior to sleeping together. You may have burst on the scene and swept her off her feet apparently while she was involved with another man as well. That HAS to be emotionally confusing to anyone in that situation. You may have made your mind up you were into her and only her but it seems she was not quite ready for you and only you.

You really can only hold yourself to blame for your feelings here as you ASSumed she felt the same and was subsequently ready to cut all ties with her very close friend. That IMO is selfish and unfair. IMO you do need to talk with her about HER feelings on this matter. DO not try to leverage your hurt feelings against her maybe still uncertain feelings. Real love takes time to develop and requires a LOT of trust between both partners. You press her too much on her dalliance with this other guy and I can almost guatantee you will alienate her.

Be the man….rise above the fray….tell her you are sorry for putting your own feelings about your relationship before and above hers. She will probably very much appreciate you addressing this. If you really care about her you will forget what happened and then show her you care about her and only her and express that you hope she does or soon will feel the same about you.

He obviously only cares about his feelings. 9 months and still this bullshit. How many times can she apologize? You obviously want her to suffer. Get the fuck over yourself. You are no more special than anyone else. Obviously it took her time to realize how great you are.~

I’m dumb? Great comeback and not a cogent rebuttal. Logical fallacy.

@guid1234 When does it come up, then? You’re saying that she doesn’t think that what she did was wrong, and you do. Is that the argument when it does come up? You want her to admit wrongdoing?

@guid1234: I’m guessing she’s going to end up breaking up with you. You say you want to be with her, and you might, and she may be a wonderful girl – smart, sweet, etc. but if you don’t let this go, she’s going to tire of it and move on. Then maybe you’ll realize you gave up something good because you are “stuck on stupid.”

@tinyfaery What in the world do you know? You know absolutely nothing of me, or my relationship, past this ONE issue I’ve seen fit to come here asking for advice on. I only care about my own feelings, so is that why I don’t burden my gf with this and instead turn to strangers on the internet? I want her to suffer? Wtf are you talking about? And at what point did I ever say I was better than anyone else?

I called your answer dumb because it was dumb, if not outright rude. And I used the word dumb because I thought it poor form to drop a bunch of swear words or more harsh rebuttals.. that you clearly wouldn’t have understood anyways.