No. My mom was too young, naive and had no self-esteem. My father was entering med-school when they married. She felt like the ugly duckling that had somehow lucked into marrying a future doctor.
The reality was not what she expected.
He cheated, she cheated..and after a childhood where her mother had not shown her much love..her marriage to this demanding and sometimes (verbally) cruel man had to be very damaging to her.
When she finally figured out that she could have a life without him she did. She sort of “disappeared” into her job and affair for 2 or 3 years.
The fallout resulted in a mess. That time for me is a haze of depression, self-hate and self-reliance. It was a lengthy (3+ year) ugly divorce. So ugly and prolonged it even involved testifying against my parents in court.
The divorce was entirely polarizing. It was as if there was a death in the family. My father’s large extended family pretended my mother no longer existed for many decades. She re-married and wasn’t entirely happy. She disliked me because I reminded her of him. Eventually she hit me, so I moved in with my dad and his new wife.
This all taught me:
1. Maybe I never want to get married.
2. IF I get married I am never getting divorced.
3. I should never rely on a man for my financial stability. I needed to work hard and make a good salary and support myself.
4. Divorce means the other person “goes away”.
I did finally get married, and when I married he had an ex-wife. It took me YEARS (and in fact, it sometimes still confuses me) to come to grips with the point that she is so present in our lives and impacts our finances, time/schedule and more.
She calls so often. Even now – when my stepson is away in college—we still have to interact with her so frequently!
It is the polar opposite of what I expected based on my parent’s divorce. So confusing to me.
That said, I waited a long time to get married. When I did, I married for life.
We work hard at it. Divorce is a word never uttered or even inferred in our home – even in our worst fights. I’m the primary wage earner. I don’t rely on his income, I rely on my own hard work. He has taught me, over the years, what unconditional love looks like..and after all these years, I’m finally learning what a healthy, loving family looks like.
I am blessed / fortunate beyond measure to be his wife, even if I do have to deal with his icky ex.