Have there ever been times when you had to just shut your mouth while at someone else’s house, when they did things that struck you as so wrong? Have you ever have had to just shut your mouth, at your own house, when you had vistors and they were doing things you thought were so wrong?

I visited a house where the teenager was torturing a pet turtle. By having it bite itself. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to sneak it home but I couldn’t take care of it. I didn’t know if I could call the police or whatever.

Nobody comes over to my house and does things that do not meet my approval. I am pretty full throttle as it is and you are welcome to have fun at my house, just do not use Sharpies to write on the living room walls.

When out visiting others in their home I respect their home and their decorum and raised my kids to behave accordingly. If the host is a bit too controlling or fussy, I always find a way to excuse myself from the event.

Recently I went with my daughter to visit a couple that I know, and they have two children. The boy is my daughter’s age and his sister is a year younger. They’re active kids, good kids. They have a swimming pool and the day was very hot. Us adults were sitting outside, hanging out near the pool. One of the other guests was letting the kids throw water at him and it was all in good fun. He was standing near the pool and they were dousing him. Later on, he was sitting with us at the outside table,hanging out. The little girl came over to him and threw water on him. Since she was just turning 7, she probably didn’t comprehend the difference between throwing water on him near the pool vs. throwing water on him when he was sitting down near us.

The parents ripped into her verbally. They were so mad. The guest was not mad, as he understood what happened. He also appeared to feel bad for the yelling. I felt bad too. They told her to apologize. She looked down and apologized. Then they said “No, look at him when you apologize.” She looked at him and said she was sorry. Then they said “No, say it like you mean it.” The little girl was quivering and you could tell she felt really bad. I think she’s a little slow, and she’s very sweet, and we felt awful. The mother really continued to rip in to her, telling her she was going to go to bed early, etc. We were cringing inwardly and we felt bad, but there was nothing we could do. The guy did say it was ok and then I think the parents got off their kick about giving the girl a hard time.

What if it isn’t something like permanent damage to your house or belongings? What if it’s just behaviors that you could ignore, @Cruiser?

When I first came to look at this house, which I eventually bought, I noticed that the wife had crafted some beautiful chairs out of old wooden chairs. She had painted several layers of different color paint on them, then skillfully sanded various layers away, leaving this beautiful collage of muted colors.
I commented on them, and she just beamed, and went into some detail about how she did it. I was all ears, looking and examining and asking questions.
Her husband rudely interrupted her and said, “Oh, Marge. You and your chairs,” in utter disgust.
My heart just broke when her face fell and she turned away sadly. Oh, that pissed me off. On top of that, he was a “Christian” pastor at a church.

I didn’t say anything…....... :(

Oh, God, @jca. I have experienced that too. It’s just heartbreaking. You wish you could video tape them and throw it back in their faces. I know they’d see it the way you / we did if we could.

Gee @Dutchess_III My home is my home and I am very aware of what items in my house are precious and priceless and will take every precaution to make sure things do not get to the level where things in my home are at risk of being damaged. That is why I still have a trampoline in the backyard so even the adults can burn off steam at my get togethers.

I said what if it didn’t involve damage to your house or belongings? What if it was just behavior that you could ignore? See @jca‘s post, and mine, for a couple of examples.

Ha ha! “My wife is so strange. She starts every conversation with, ‘Were you listening to me?’” :)

A few summers ago before my life was tanked by this recession, one of my old bosses kept inviting himself over for dinner. Well, he offered to bring dinner and was actually inviting himself to come sit in my hot tub. haha
I finally had to cave after making excuses for quite awhile.
He showed up at my house with his damn DOG, without asking if it was okay to bring her. Gah!

My pair of geese and 2 cats were completely freaked out, of course the geese were in their corral but still, the dog was running back and forth around the pen and they were panicked and shrieking, poor guys. My 2 cats dove under the bed and refused to come out for hours after they left. WHO the hell brings their dog to your house without asking anyway!?
I told him the dog had to stay out on the deck and I closed the gate to my patio.

That lasted about 5 minutes when, as my boss was coming in and out, prepping stuff for the BBQ on the deck the dog just followed him in and he made no effort to put her out again. I called her back outside myslef a couple of times but he still allowed her in the house over and over again as he went in and out. OMG! Then, he ended up barking out orders to me as to how to make a certain food and pretty much went into his controlling boss mode right in my own kitchen. I was so fucking glad when they finally left. Anyone else I would have set them straight but WTF..it was my boss, Never again, never again. lol

Oh, what a fix that would be, @Coloma! And your BOSS no less!!

So….did he continue to invite his sorry ass over after that?

@Dutchess_III NO, it didn’t come up again and then he sold his business about 6 months later so we parted ways. Thank God. haha

My late aunt and godmother, whom I loved dearly, gave me a set of beautiful, crystal water goblets. I’ve tried to find the pattern and add to my set, but I’ve yet to succeed. I have very few mementos of my aunt, so these glasses are dear to me.

(This happened many years ago.) My ex-boyfriend and I were hanging out at my place, drinking San Pellegrino from a couple of those lovely goblets. He balanced his glass on a narrow arm of a chair. I politely asked him not to do that, so he moved the goblet to an end table. I left the room for a few minutes; when I returned, the glass was precariously balanced, once again, on the chair arm. Before I could say anything, the goblet fell and smashed all over the floor.

Yeah, that might be part of the reason why this guy’s my past-tense ex-boyfriend.

Is it a guy thing to not be able to foresee the consequences????

As a teen, I was visiting a friend’s house two doors away. Her parents were going through a divorce. The mother had become (or maybe always was) a living nightmare. The friend was in trouble because her bedroom was a mess. The only thing out of place was her bathrobe on top of the bed; otherwise, it was clean and pristine. The mom grabbed the friend’s chin and backed her against the refrigerator and started whacking her head against it. Since she was an adult and I was taught to respect my elders, I didn’t intervene and never told my parents. It haunts me to this day, 40 years later.

A couple of years ago, Thanksgiving was spent at my sister and BIL’s house. The BIL’s parents were also included. The BIL’s dad is exceptionally opinionated and vocal, particularly when it comes to his stance on women and people of color. It’s amazing that I held my tongue through the meal. After they left, I helped my sister clean up and then asked for a glass of wine before heading to bed, emotionally drained from the event.

Mom once told me about a friend of hers that would come over and proceed at some point to walk into our kitchen and open cabinets and the refrigerator. Mom never said anything to her because it was harmless and she found it a curious habit to observe.

As for what people do or say on my property, it has to be pretty bad before they are asked to stop. This was most likely learned from Mom’s example.

Oh god… About a year ago my roommates girlfriends mother was visiting. Her mother is a awful person who, I thought this was a exaggeration, will contest you every time you say something. The GF’s daughter ran away when she was 15. I now know why.

I mentioned that the pizza we got tonight was good. She had to say it was shit and that X was better. I talked about a movie and that was shit and X was better. This went on for hours and I was looking for a escape. This is when shit got real.

Dobbey, my lovely cat went to sit in her lap and she picked her up by the back of her neck like kitten gets moved by their mother. My cat is 8 pounds so please don’t pick it up like that. Then she waved Dobbey around for what felt like a hour but was probably 30 seconds while scolding her. Then she tossed her on the floor.

I was a bit stunned and my roommate gave me the please don’t say anything look. I grabbed the cats and took them into my room until she left.

@jca I think we’ve probably all had moments where we’ve cringed while witnessing a parent coming down hard on their kids. Though while I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of that and would probably feel bad for being part of it, I wouldn’t necessarily think the parents were coming down too hard on her in this particular case.

One, seven is plenty old enough to know the difference between dousing someone while playing by a pool and while they’re sitting at a table. Two, perhaps her behavior might be excused if she wasn’t familiar with pool play etiquette—but they have a pool. My guess is that what appears to be an overreaction to a singular event is probably a built-up response to multiple instances.

Also going to bed early hardly sounds like child-abuse. And is probably an appropriate response since this kind of harmless but inappropriate behavior tends to come out when generally good kids get overtired.

@Pied_Pfeffer Witnessing something like that would probably haunt me too. How was your friend after the divorce?

@fluthernutter Thanks for asking. The Evil Mom packed up the house and moved several states away with my friend and her younger brother in tow. The abuse continued, and the friend got into drugs. Two years later, they moved back. I vividly remember when they were allowed to own a rabbit. The kids were grounded when it chewed through a telephone cord. One day, they came home from school to the news that the rabbit had died. According to the mother, it had committed suicide by jumping off of the ironing board.

After college, the friend moved to another state. Eventually, she started her own business. It did quite well and she bought a mansion of a house, partied hard and became somewhat manic. About 15 years ago, we found out that she sold all of her belongings and moved to Thailand to be a missionary to prostitutes.

Two years ago, it was discovered that she had a brain tumor. After two operations, she decided to move back to the US, albeit still far away from her mom. The younger brother lives on the opposite side of the country. Both kids have very little to do with the mother, who has mellowed somewhat over time.

While the friend’s life probably took a much different path than I suspect it would have if the mother had not been so abusive, she continues to display the strength we classmates witnessed in our early years. At least she is receiving the love and support she deserves through friends and colleagues.

@fluthernutter: The girl is a little slow. I didn’t want to put that in my post because I felt like people would jump on me and say “what does that have to do with anything.” She’s a year behind my daughter and when I look at her development, her speech, the way she eats, compared to my daughter a year ago, it’s like looking at my daughter when she was about 3. She gets special help in school, etc. She’s very sweet. Also they found a bird that night before and kept it (baby bird on the ground, not a good outlook) and the morning we went there, the bird was dead. So they did a burial in the yard and the mom admitted the kids were upset about the bird, especially the girl because it was going to be her pet, blah blah blah. When the mother ripped into her, I took her to look at the bird’s grave as a reprieve. She was talking about the bird going to heaven and it was very sweet. She’s a very sweet, fragile child and if you saw it, you’d probably understand more.

There is a nightly routine in my neighborhood that makes me shudder every time I see it. My neighbor has a full grown labradoodle. He “trains” it by putting an easy walker on it (the kind with a strap that goes around the top of the neck as well as the muzzle). Only he holds the leash about 6 inches long, and the dog’s head is always twisted at an odd angle while he “walks” his dog. I can see how stressed the dog is because the drool hangs down from its mouth in long streams.

This happens every night, and sometimes more than once a night. I wish I could do something about it. I bet that guy is a real “treat” to live with!

@johnpowell You had enormous restraint, not grabbing that woman by the nape of her neck, lifting her in the air and shaking her, and tossing her to the floor.

@snowberry There is something you can do – call animal control. If your neighbor “walks” his beautiful dog about the same time every night, arrange for a humane worker to be nearby and observing.

@snowberry….or take video and submit it anonymously.

@jca I completely understand the situation the way you described it the first time, and there are lots of reasons a kid might respond inappropriately. I have a grandson who is not “slow,” in fact he’s probably close to genius (borderline autistic,) but he’s a little different, often inappropriate, and quite immature. He’s 8. I could see him in place of the girl you talked about. However he would be splashing people by the table knowing full well that wasn’t right, but he’d get attention for it, albeit negative attention, which is what he craves, sometimes in the most annoying ways.
I’m betting your girl really didn’t understand. I think some adults just assume that a kid should automatically “know” some things aren’t right, without ever having been told.
My ex received custody of his 18 month old daughter while were were dating. One day he was letting her run around naked, no diaper. She pooped on the floor. My ex became very angry, called her a “little savage,” and spanked her.
I was a shocked. As we had just started dating I responded very low key and said, “Well, there is a reason diapers were invented, Future Ex-Asshole.”
That sunk in and he looked confused ashamed.

@Pied_Pfeffer I’m sorry your friend had to go through all of that. But am glad to hear she has a strength of character to get her through it. And good friends too!

@jca Ahh, gotcha…thanks for further explaining. That’s an entirely different picture than how I read your first description.

There are so many nasty stories about girls in junior high or high school – best friends – suddenly being mean and catty to each other. Throughout our lives, there’s a normal ebb-and-flow to friendships; people come and go, often without malice or bad feelings. Sure, some of that goes on among teenagers, but there’s also this tendency for girls to turn their backs on each other for no reason. It just seems to be innate.

I started dating at age 15. During those first few years, I was tough on guys. I’d become madly infatuated with a new boyfriend and want to spend all my time with him, only to lose interest just as quickly. One day, I’d be “in love” and crazy about a guy; literally the next day, I’d want nothing to do with him. Just immaturity, I guess.

@johnpowell Nope. Everything would go out the window for me if a stranger thought they could treat my pet that way. I could not have kept my mouth shut if I had been you.

@DrasticDreamer :: I was having a nice buzz going when this happened. I stopped drinking that night so I wouldn’t let the anger intensify and create a confrontation. When it was happening I was thinking “Dobbey, her face is a squirrel, feel free to attack, I won’t be mad.”