Not asked to be in very close friend's bridal party. Should I be honest with her about my feelings?

Nope, don’t say anything. You don’t live near her!

And you are not fully aware of whatever connection with the other person who was asked. There may have been something of which you are absolutely unaware, but that is special or very important to your friend.

@zenvelo I’m also friends with the two women she asked to be bridesmaids, and I’m aware of their relationship to her.

One of them lives 8 hours away (and is probably moving to South Africa within the next few months), and the other one works a minimum wage job and will need to have her dress and other incidentals paid for by the bride to be.

I’ve said this before on here and I’ll say it again – if someone doesn’t want you in their bridal party, they’re doing you a favor. Fittings, hassle, rehearsal, having to pay for the shower, having to chip in for a big gift, not getting to hang out at the cocktail hour but instead, having to do photos, it’s all a hassle. It’s better to just go as a guest and enjoy yourself.

I had a good friend who didn’t choose to put me in her wedding party, and she was apologetic, and I was happy and told her don’t worry about it, I’m fine with it. I was in another friend’s wedding party and it was lovely to be included, like an “insider” but it was a lot of work and money. No, thank you, you can keep it.

@jca
That’s a valid perspective and I’m trying to adopt it myself. However, because she’s a close friend I would have been happy to go to the trouble for her. Now I’m afraid that I won’t enjoy myself at all because my feelings are hurt.

I kind of want to tell her how I feel and just leave it at that but do so in way that’s as tactful as it is honest.

It is understandable how you feel. Many other people have felt the same way. What they have found is that it is an opportunity to grow and mature from the experience without damaging the relationship.

Be thankful that the bride contacted you and offered an explanation, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Imagine what it would have felt like if an invitation to the wedding just showed up in the mail. Worse yet, none at all.

This is a clear cut case of biting your tongue and supporting the friend’s decisions graciously.

The more I think about it, the more I think I might just “accidentally” schedule a non-refundable vacation during that time.

I know it’s petty and I would probably never, but I’m really hurt.

What @Pied_Pfeffer said.
It is a bit hurtful, but pushing for more info may just result in pushing her away. There may be all sorts of things you don’t know about playing into this.
I don’t know how old you are, but I have discovered, in my 61 years, that there are buckets of reasons why people do (or don’t do) things, and we rarely find out the whole story.

Send her a warm email wishing her the best and say you wish she had allowed you to share in her happiness directly. See what she says.

I would take one shot at it, and then let it go. I would tell her that you had planned with her that you would be one of her bridesmaids and that it would not be an inconvenience and you were prepared to commit the time and resources necessary. Then see what she says.

If she comes up with another lame excuse, just smile and say, “OK, your wedding, your decision, no harm, no foul.” Then I would plan that vacation for the date of the wedding, and I would not be quite so available when she calls. She has obviously considered the friendship differently than you have.

I can fully understand where you are coming from in this. Your feelings matter. I would say go with @ZEPHYRA ‘s approach; that would be the positive and supportive thing to do and that is what you said you wanted.

I might be exactly what you said, perhaps the groom only wants two groomsmen. My daughter had just the opposite problem when she was engaged. Her fiance wanted six groomsman plus a best man. She had to scramble to come up with a matching amount.

Don’t do the vacation thing. That would not sit right with either of you.

I agree don’t do the vacation thing. It adds insult to injury. I agree with marinelife, if it really bothers you then bring it up and see what she says. Then, attend the weddings and have a good time. Continue to remind yourself that you’re in a good position as a regular guest. It may change your relationship forever, it may not.

@jca

I think I’m gonna sit on this for a couple of months and then bring it up in casual conversation at an opportune time. Like perhaps when she calls me to vent about wedding stuff or about how her two bridesmaids aren’t pulling their weight. ;)

The wedding isn’t for another year and things can change. While I do hope she changes her mind and decides to include me, I’ll bring it up once but only once and then move on. However, if the other two women do disappoint her, it’s not my problem!

It seems to me she intentionally chose women who might not be asked by anyone. Leaving for another country, what a great inclusion for that friend to take with her. A friend who maybe doesn’t get asked by anyone else because she can’t afford it. How wonderful to have an understanding friend to find a way to make it happen anyhow!
I applaud your friend’s choices. I am sorry you feel slighted. Maybe she thinks you are too pretty, and would distract from the bride?

@LeavesNoTrace “when she first got engaged she told me she “definitely wanted me to be a bridesmaid” and I happily accepted.”

This is going to sound stupid, but are you sure she doesn’t already think you are a bridesmaid? I ask because something similar happened to a friend of mine. She thought one of her friends had agreed to be a bridesmaid, and the friend thought she hadn’t been “officially” asked. So the bride got frustrated that her friend wasn’t helping out, and the friend thought she had been left out.

I’ve read other responses. Somehow there is something to this that is not working. It is a cut that stings. Then you are supposed to be gracious, generous, and forgiving. After all, it’s her ‘big day’. “I knew you would be alright and understand this…you are such a great person! Let me tell you about what’s happening now!!!”
Finger down throat for a loud “grawck”-gag noise.
Been there, done that…..
IMO. IMO. IMO. IMO. IMO.

Sweetie. I’m so sorry this happened. It really sucks. And trust me, when they express how much it hurts them to make this decision, uhm, no, no it doesn’t. Being past the wedding stage, the baby shower phase, (and usually a second one of those) be careful not to have to be the one who is expected to pick up the bar tab to celebrate those divorces.
The person who was left out, or was perhaps lucky enough to be a….server, or yes, even a guest book: ‘Please sign this for the happy couple’ pen-guard…(it had a chain attached to it), you will be her trouble go-to person for the rest of their marriage. Trust me.
You sound like a lovely person. An unselfish friend who goes above and beyond at times, because that’s what friends do. You are supportive, loyal ( not as in dog-loyal ) giving individual who, despite any hassles or miles apart, comes through for her friend no matter what. You are already her sounding board, confidant, and reassuring prop-up when she’s drooping. Am I correct?
It’s your duty not to ruin or rain on her parade, ruin her special day, life’s goal, happily ever after….yeah?
Stop. Step back.
Wayyyyy back. To the very back.
I am sure that you are pleased for your friend.
You would give her a fist-pumping: You Go Girl!!!!! Yea!!!!
Stop. Just stop.
You are important. Your feelings matter also. There may be extenuating circumstances. Yet, it seems that this girl…she’d have said something to the effect right to you, oblivious to your thoughts or feelings.
How do YOU feel? Do you want to go through the dress-up, act nicely like a lady, smile, why am I really crying?...go to the powder room and look at your reflection, think ‘what the hell?’ and plaster a smile back on your face before exiting?
Yeah, I didn’t either. Did it once. From then on, I was busy on the blessed day.
I went on a vacation. It was fantastic! I gave a toast to the happy couple, and went out to do what I wanted.
I can’t recommend it enough.
Again, why are you going to this wedding?
This friendship? Think on this for awhile. She’ll be fine. She has her husband to talk to. The one she married…and made excuses about her decisions concerning the number of attendants she needed.
You go find yourself some better company. Friends ARE friends.
If you stay where you are, then accept it, go to the wedding, buy a present, eat the cashews and cake, and listen to her on the phone while the thoughts of whether she is really there for you or just when it’s convenient- waft through your mind. And settle.
All in all. You’ll be ok. The hurt releases the grab-hold on your feelings after awhile.
Friends move on. True ones never waver.
Say, wasn’t there a handbag that costs a ridiculous amount of money that you just adored? Perhaps put less $ on the wedding gift, and get it instead….

You just posted you’ll wait, it’s not for a year. You’re a good person. Wait for what?
All the best. Sweetie I hope what you want, happens. Take care. I hear that vacation trips are less expensive at whatever time of year! ;)

@jca Before you allow yourself to stew over this, you should consider the advantages to being slighted. Nothing is more hectic, frustrating, troublesome, expensive and exhausting than being a major participant in a fancy wedding. I don’t care how close you are to your girlfriend. Just pay attention to developments, and there’s a very good chance that you will feel a great deal more fortunate in being spared the inevitable stresses, political infighting, petty squabbling, and crises in the running up to the “happy day”. Buy her a nice present, and have a good time. Don’t worry, the inevitable call will come for your assistance in remedying one of the many mishaps prior to the big day. Be ready for it.

After reading what @JeSuisRickSpringfield posted, I went back and read the original post.

Especially considering that when she first got engaged she told me she “definitely wanted me to be a bridesmaid” and I happily accepted. JeSuis has a point. The next time the two of you talk, how about asking her how the plans are shaping up and who is in the bridal party?

I, too, await a response to @JeSuisRickSpringfield‘s post.

If it’s certain that you are not included in your friend’s wedding plans, than your question for her should sound something like:
“Is it okay if I bring up something that might be a little strange regarding weddings?
“I always thought you’d have a part in my wedding. Is it going to be awkward if I still ask you to be one of my bridesmaids?

It’s a valid question. If there’s a good reason she isn’t asking you to be her bridesmaid, shouldn’t you know if it’s personal?

If you’ve even considered booking a vacation the same day as her wedding, the relationship is circling the drain.

I don’t mean to feed your anger, but the fact that miss South America might not be available is grounds for 3 bridesmaids to hubbies 2 groomsmen.
(The flipside of that is that miss South America won out because she might be unavailable for years.)

If she told you she wanted you in the bridal party, then how do you know you are now excluded? Are the other girls already trying on dresses?

I would not say I was hurt. I might ask her a question to clarify. That is if it is unclear whether you are a bridesmaid or not.

I would do everything to word it in a way that she would not feel obligated to include you.

I don’t think you should be hurt, because weddings are full of difficulties and worries about hurt feelings and making everyone happy, and I just think let the bride do whatever she decides and don’t get all twisted up over it. I have regrets about my wedding. There are a few people who I wish I had invited, I know I hurt some feelings, and I regret it. I listened to some people I should not have, and I had very little experience. I’d really appreciate it if no one holds a grudge. Because of this I never question what a bride does as a way to pay it forward.

I’d let it go, weddings bring a lot of pressure to the couple and I wouldn’t take it personally, for all you know she was pressured by the parents, grandparents etc to include a sister-in-law to be, a cousin, niece etc. When I got married I had to eliminate one of my 3 good friends because of the pressure to include, my then, 15 year old SIL to be.
I had my oldest friend as maid of honor, the next as a bridesmaid and my little SIL to be as the 3rd bridesmaid. You have no idea what kind of pressure she has been under to make these choices.

After reading the OP for the third time, there is this statement made by the bride: The reason she gave for not asking me? I live too far away and she doesn’t want to “inconvenience” me. Yeah, I now understand why you are confused and hurt. I apologize for it taking so long to click.

If I were in your shoes, I’d ask for clarification. If the reason is that plans changed, she is probably going to feel guilty for the error. The gracious thing to do is volunteer your services for other tasks that are just as important, if not more so.

I would not say anything. I have been a bridesmaid many, many times and I can’t even remember the brides, the dresses, etc. Just go and enjoy the wedding festivities. Or not. That is up to you. I think if you don’t go though, you will regret it.

Was she thinking of not going? I missed that part.

Definitely go to the wedding. Not being asked to be a bridesmaid is no reason to not go to the wedding.

I agree with everyone else who told you to ask her. If she’s actually a good friend, I doubt she’ll see you asking as offensive or weird. You could just casually bring it up by saying “Remember that time you asked if I wanted to be a bridesmaid? Well, just to be absolutely sure, does that still stand or…?” and then laugh.

Regardless of her answer, I would still go to the wedding if I were you. Like others have mentioned, she might have good reasons for asking other people. This way, if you do ask for clarification, it’ll as least give her a chance to explain to you why she asked who she did, and you might not feel so badly after the fact.

@JLeslie: The OP stated several times she is considering taking a vacation during the time of the wedding so she doesn’t have to go.

@stanleybmanly: You referenced @jca in your last post. I think you meant to reference the OP, not me.

@LeavesNoTrace: I know you say you’d really like to be in her bridal party, but a four hour drive each way every time you have to have a dress fitting or to go to the venue to make plans for the shower, that’s 8 hours round trip (plus stops for bathroom, etc.). That’s a huge inconvenience, in my opinion, plus the gas money, time off work or blowing half your weekend. I go back to that she’s doing you a favor by not having you in the party. If I were you, I’d be thanking her LOL.

In re-reading the OP’s details, it seems she did already discuss not being asked, @JeSuisRickSpringfield. It states that the bride told her “I live too far away and she doesn’t want to inconvenience me.” So the conversation has already been had.

@jca I just skimmed it too fast I guess.

You know what, I’m thinking don’t go. Don’t ask, don’t go, get offended, miss a close friend’s wedding. People who worry so much about what other people should do (meaning she thinks the bride should have asked her to be a bridesmaid) and get offended and hurt so easily, get what they get. They get to feel bad all the time, feel superior to others, and have problems trusting people, because they focus on how people disappoint them so much.

I really hope the OP is not that extreme.

@Pied_Pfeffer Okay, I missed that. It seems to me like that was the time to have the conversation, then. “It’s not an inconvenience. I accepted when you first asked me because I really want to be part of this.” I guess now the question is how long the bride has been planning and how much time there is until the wedding. If it would be a terrible inconvenience to add a bridesmaid now, I would just drop it. Weddings are complicated, and the people planning them always make “mistakes” of this kind. It’s inevitable in a world where everyone’s interest in an event is what their personal place in it is.

I haven’t read all the responses (I’m at work and bludging!). I understand you’re hurt, but I wouldn’t do anything like booking a holiday. Allow some time for the hurt to dissipate because right now you’re very likely to do or say something that will cause longer term harm.

When you can talk to her calmly, tell your friend that you’re surprised you’re not part of the bridal party. Be honest. Tell her you’re hurt and see what she says. She might say something that surprises you. There might be a reason you hadn’t thought of. Really though, even if she said, I’m sorry, please be my bridesmaid, wouldn’t you now feel like second choice? That the only reason she’s asked you now is because you nagged her? Do you want to be included under those circumstances?

Don’t book a holiday until you hear what she has to say. If her reason convinces you that the friendship you thought you had isn’t the same for her, then think about whether you want to attend. If you don’t go, I’d guess you’ll be calling time on your friendship. So think about whether you want to do that or not. Your hurt will wane, but your friendship might be irreparable. If she doesn’t care about your feelings, that might be perfectly appropriate, but be sure it’s what you want.

Oh, good grief. Your feelings got hurt, I get that and I don’t discount that, but really, is this the issue you want to go to war over? In ten years, it won’t matter at all who was a bridesmaid. Maybe South Africa girl made a huge fuss and the bride was just grateful that you didn’t because she really didn’t want to put up with the hassle of long distance bridesmaid issues.
If you don’t go because of this (and I have a feeling that you would somehow let her know it was, indeed, because of this), I guarantee that she won’t feel guilty, because she has too much going on, she’ll just remember that you didn’t go to her wedding because of this.

Is it worth the likely loss of a “very close” friendship?

This is all so reminiscent of middle-school parties.

@canidmajor That’s what I think, the OP will somehow let the bride know. Whether it be telling her directly, or gossiping about it enough that it gets back to the bride.

Hi all,

Just FYI, no, I’m not serious about not attending my friend’s wedding. I plan on attending and am serious about being supportive of her even though I’m just a little hurt right now.

Also, @canidmajor is correct that South Africa girl made a fuss about her even having bridesmaids at all in the first place! Which is funny considering that now she might not even be able to attend. The bride-to-be is understandably annoyed at that plus the fact that she’s gone around our hometown spreading nasty rumors about the groom to other people with big mouths. (But that’s another story…)

Anyway, just to repeat. Yes, I will be attending my friend’s wedding and no I’m not going to act like a middle schooler as one of the commenters accused me of. I’m just feeling a little hurt right now and needed to parse it out before I did something stupid like cause a riff with a good friend.

@LeavesNoTrace: If this is any condolence, the few bridal parties I’ve been in, one I had to drop out because I was a young adult and broke and unable to afford the big gift, the shower, etc. At the time, it was a choice between things like car insurance and the gift/shower, so practicality won out. Mundane details in parties I didn’t make it into for various reasons like you’re experiencing now. The one I did get to be in, like I said, ready to have some cocktails and enjoy the cocktail hour food, which, to me, is better than the entree food, and then got whisked away to do photos for the whole hour. That one bridal party, I didn’t have to pay for shower or anything because the bride’s parents were rich and paid for everything.

Those brides I’m in touch with on FB, but have not seen in at least ten years each. Being in someone’s bridal party does little to cement a friendship. Women seem to view it as such an honor, but in the long run of life, it’s a drop in the bucket.

As I stated earlier, I don’t see it being practical to have a four hour trip each way to do fittings and planning. If I were you, again, I’d look at this as a giant favor to not be in her bridal party.

As far as being hurt, as someone else said, she’s likely got pressure from her family and the groom’s family to make decisions that you’re not privy to, for whatever reason.

You’re in a position where you really can’t ask to be in her bridal party, because who wants to be last in line.

Honestly, I don’t think distance is the issue, if you say she asked others who live far away as well. Maybe she’s not as good of a friend as you thought. If I were you, I’d just let it go. You could lose her completely if you say something.

@LeavesNoTrace, I’m really pleased you’re going to go. I hope you will ask your friend why she didn’t include you since it bothers you. It will be there in the background otherwise. Festering. It’s her wedding. She can choose whoever she likes. However, it bothers you so if I were you, I’d try to calmly find out why I wasn’t included. In the end, be happy for her on her day. You’ll feel better about yourself in the long run.

The “inconvenience” excuse sounds so bogus. Even though being a bridesmaid is often an expensive, pain-in-the-neck experience, being excluded is much worse. I’d rather spend $800 on an ugly taffeta dress than have my feelings hurt.

@LeavesNoTrace, I can understand why you’re considering an “oops, sorry!” vacation to coincide with the wedding. But, there are three things to consider. First, are you willing to lose your friend forever? That’s what would happen. Second, would hurting your friend really heal your own pain? Third, would you feel guilty, and suffer remorse, if you were to decline the wedding and make other plans? After such a thing has been done, it can never be undone.

How is it that:
”...South Africa girl made a fuss about her even having bridesmaids at all in the first place! Which is funny considering that now she might not even be able to attend. The bride-to-be is understandably annoyed at that plus the fact that she’s gone around our hometown spreading nasty rumors about the groom to other people with big mouths. (But that’s another story…)
is added now?

Post #1 after the initial question:
@zenvelo I’m also friends with the two women she asked to be bridesmaids, and I’m aware of their relationship to her.
One of them lives 8 hours away (and is probably moving to South Africa within the next few months), and the other one works a minimum wage job and will need to have her dress and other incidentals paid for by the bride to be.
Would have been an excellent time?