Nervous about my relationship?

Hello everyone, I’m writing because I really would just like to get some advice or even just some help on how I should feel right now. I will try not to write a novel here, promise, I just really need to explain this, and I really want some help.

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. I had ended a 6 year relationship about 3–4 months prior to us meeting. She was only about a month out of a 2 year relationship, with a girl who she was madly in love with and had left her abruptly. We met online and started hanging out, I tried to stay guarded as I had been through a lot in my last relationship and I didn’t want to get myself hurt, so initially our relationship was slow and cautious. It didn’t take long though so realize how much I really liked her, I knew that I had developed feelings for her but still tried to stay away from thinking about “love”, just until I was sure. I also knew about her previous relationship and was always a bit uneasy about it because I knew she still loved her. Her ex left out of the blue, with little explanation and literally disappeared. None of their friends saw or heard from her, she was just gone. As months went by I began to forget about my worries, and my feelings grew. We were spending every day together, and the nights that we were apart were so sad. I was starting to feel safe with her. I knew that I loved her, she was sweet, funny, loving, sexy, just amazing. Whenever I touch her I get this rush through my body unlike anything I have ever felt before. I had been in love before, but it was nothing like this. She is means everything to me and makes me so so happy, happier than I have ever been.

Fast forward to now, as I said we have been together for almost a year now. We recently moved in together, travelling back and forth every day was beginning to be a pain, and of course we just want to be together. We have never fought a single time until recently (and I wouldn’t even call it a fight, more of a conflict). We are very understanding of each other, and I think we communicate well. Recently, about 3–4 weeks ago, her ex texted her. She was honest about it and told me, and I wasn’t ok with it, but I knew that she probably had things she wanted to discuss with her, and I wasn’t going to tell her that she couldn’t talk with her. The conversations went on for a couple weeks and I told her that it was beginning to make me uncomfortable, that I didn’t understand why it couldn’t have been one conversation to clear the air and then moving on, that I was uncomfortable thinking that she seemed like she needed something from her ex still. I felt crazy, I had never felt like this before, I’m not the person who gets jealous, I never want to get angry or push the person I love away, so this was a new feeling for me. She understood and asked her ex why she was contacting her, what exactly was going on between them, and told her that she wanted to move on with her life with me and build our relationship that has been so great up until now. Her ex was almost always apologetic, and was going through some rough times, and heard what my girlfriend was telling her but didn’t really react to it. She said sorry and then an hour later was texting with her again. My girlfriend had a work event around this time and they actually crossed paths. I knew that my girlfriend was at this event, we had been texting and suddenly that stopped, it was getting later and later and I wasn’t hearing from her, or it was random and weird. I knew something was off and I was worried, when she finally got home and I was in bed I asked and she told me she had seen her ex. They talked, and hung out. My girlfriend knows that I am uncomfortable, and she is apologizing, she doesn’t want to hurt me and I know she loves me, but the conversations didn’t stop after this. I told her that I thought she still loved her ex, and that I just couldn’t be around if she was going to be buddies with her ex. I know this makes me sound crazy, but I just can’t explain how uneasy it all made me feel.

As the conversations continued for another week or so, my heart had just had it, I felt alone, like I was losing the love of my life, that she was losing her love for me, and that she thought she could fill her heart with someone else. We were a little tense the past couple of days, it was like I was angry or punishing her for how she was making me feel, dragging me through this past relationship, forcing me to standby while she determined how she felt. I understood her feelings, but I just knew that it hurt me so much to see it. Last night we argued a bit, I told her how much she meant to me, and she told me the same. She told me how much she loved me and she loved our life and that she was just confused, and needed some sort of closure from her ex. I told her that I thought she was still in love with her ex, and that she was looking for her ex to make her happy like she knew she was able to do in the past, and that I didn’t think she would ever get that from her, but that I knew that’s what she was looking for. Her ex hurt her, and she just wanted that to go away. We argued, and hugged, and cried, and kissed, and we got to the point where she told me that she wanted a life with me so bad and that every time she thinks of the future, and getting married, and having a family that she wants it with me and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to her, and that I love her for her, like no one has before… but that she doesn’t know what to do about her feelings and is confused. I felt like she was breaking up with me. She kept saying that she didn’t want to hurt me, but my heart was broken. I didn’t know what to do, my world literally crashed down, I thought everything was over. I didn’t think I would ever feel so much pain again, I thought that she was the one, the one I would spend forever with, that I was safe, and home.

She told me she just needed time, just to be alone, and think and figure out how she was feeling. We sat for a long time, I was sobbing, she was sobbing, and after a while she says something like “what am I doing, I don’t ever want to imagine my life without you, I want everything with you, and I never want to hurt you”. I was scared, I was hurt, I didn’t know what to do. Of course I wanted to hear that, I wanted to be with her, I just wanted everything to go back to how it was, I wanted to build my life with her, but I was scared because I didn’t want to feel like this ever again. This was the lowest I’ve ever felt. I asked her a million times if she was sure, I told her that I couldn’t do this again, I couldn’t let myself hurt and put myself through this pain again. By the end of the night we were uncomfortably comfortable (if that makes any sense) we were loving eachother, and holding eachother. She told me that she would tell her ex to quit toying with her emotions, that she knew her ex only wanted to have her back in her life out of selfishness and that the relationship failed and there is no part of her that could be with her again. She had told her ex before that we had never fought before and were extremely happy and that ever since she reappeared things had become so strained, but her ex continued to talk to her. She didn’t care about us, she doesn’t care about my girlfriend’s happiness. She is unhappy and realizes that she made a mistake kicking my girlfriend out of her life, and I don’t know that she wants a relationship with her, but I know she wants her back in her life. I agree that I think she is being selfish, if she cared about my girlfriend she wouldn’t do this to her.

I’m not sure when this will happen. I’m guessing the next time her ex feels the need to text again. But now I’m sitting here this morning, feeling some level of relief that my girlfriend is still with me, but being scared about everything that happened last night. Scared that her ex will somehow manipulate her way back in, scared that my girlfriend will find confusion in her feelings again and we’ll go through this conversation again. I’m scared that if she was unsure about this once, that it will happen again. I don’t want my heart to hurt again, I can’t feel what I felt last night again. I’m so so scared.

I’m not even sure what I’m hoping to hear from people today, I think I just wanted to talk to someone about this, and I’m just hoping someone can be honest with me and tell me what they think. There is always more I could say about this, but I’ll end it here. Thank you for reading.