Have you ever been told to change a major trait in order to please others?

Have you asked her what she meant by “dummy down”? Maybe she doesn’t want you to ask too much about her personal life, or your wording style is too hard for her to grasp? Either way, I think it’s not really a bad request, and it doesn’t require you to change much. Some other will agree that asking too much about personal life and using too difficult words can’t be good either.

I’m female. Duh.

“Smile, sweetie, it’s not so bad.”
“You need to get out more”
“Why are you so prude?”
“Stop being bossy”
“If you get this type of bra you could look like you actually have tits”
“Put that book away – there’s more to life than reading”
“You should work indoors with the women instead of with the landscapers”
“Wouldn’t you be more comfortable breast feeding in the bathroom?”
“Your eyes are pretty. You should never wear glasses again”
“Why do you give such long answers to simple questions?”

And… Fuck no. I’m not going to hate myself more for the sake of some ass who thinks they have the right to dictate my personality.

Yes. ” With 8–10 kgs less you would be breathtakingly beautiful.”

I do not care, I will stay as I am until I decide to get rid of the extra pounds. Those who say such things should look at the man in the mirror first.

When interviewing for a position in my company, I told the 2nd line (my bosses’ boss) that a weakness I had was doing what I thought was right, rather than what I was directed (my potential boss was also there). I was very clear with him that I would occasionally do things they didn’t want because I felt it was necessary. He told me that this was exactly what he wanted from me.
About a year later, my boss started screaming at me, saying I was doing things they didn’t want done, and that no one told me to do it. I reminded him of the previous conversation, and he was super pissed.

I’m me, deal with it or fuck off.

In my 20’s someone told me I “should listen more.” I listened then and still do.
It made a huge positive difference in my life.

For most of my life I’ve been chided for not “living up to your potential”. These lectures NEVER come from people who lead satisfying or fulfilling lives.

My oldest sister was in High school when I was born and she was embarrassed that my mom was pregnant.
Nothing I ever said was right and I spent a lot of my life trying to figure out why I never said anything right. I was chastised and assigned motives to my words that didn’t exist.
My sister became a very successful and revered buisness woman which added to my belief that she must be right and I must just not know how to speak.
Finally I have figured out that she is just bat shit crazy. (I’m 54 and have only gotten this in the last 10 years or so.)
As she has aged her bi polar disorder has become harder to manage and other people are seeing the crazy that used to be reserved for only close family or those she had it out for.
Even my mom and siblings didn’t see it until about 10 years ago when she turned on them.
It has been healing for me for her disfinction to be revealed.

Yeah,
“Stop spacing out” (stop thinking about stuff and focus on me)
“you’re too quiet” (you need to entertain me)
“you should wear something nice” (you are going to wear what I want you too)
“stop farting!” (as if I can control this)
“I wish you would not play guitar/mountain bike/tinker so much” (you don’t need “alone time”)

Those things can be asked and will be summarily ignored

Besides the female platitudes I am now told I feel too much show too much emotion and express myself too much. If I don’t learn how to be a cold fish I could actually lose my son. I’m too American.

So I’m a highly imaginative person, and I like to create characters and develop them in my mind. My first ex told me I needed to stop thinking about them to “lessen my addiction”.

I’ve also been told I need to be friendlier and that I’m really rude, but everyone confuses
“really rude” with “just doesn’t talk much”.

Yes.

“Don’t be gay, or we will disown you.”

It very nearly killed me.

/Mimishu1995
I apologize for using a saying that I should have explained better. In re-reading my post, I wish that I had said more. My friend (whom should stay away from me for a bit until I regain my sense of humor!) was telling me to ‘dummy down’ -meaning she wanted me to act a different way around people. Not be speaking or using vocabulary above my station, not act intellegent about anything. That people are uncomfortable when I may talk about something because it makes them feel bad or funny or look less intelligent. Which is something I would not do to anyone!
It’s like when girls were told not to play sports or games well around someone they liked as a potential love interest because you shouldn’t show that you could do a better job. So to act more like a girl should- like what they want, or to make them look better, the girls were told to dummy-down and be more needy, less assured, and helpless.
I so apologize.
I didn’t explain well enough originally. I guess that I am still a little surprised that she said that to me. :/
It was like asking me not to breathe or blink my eyes- only in more a hurtful way.

Shut up!

I can’t.

I just can’t.

:D

Oh man, that’s awful!

I JUST had this experience the other day with someone I know, and while not a major trait, it was shocking never the less.
This person has a disability but is pretty healthy otherwise and able to do a lot, just has some bad days.
I have been working my ass off for the last couple weeks and when I mentioned the other day that I was really tired this person had the audacity to actually tell me that it made them mad when I said I was tired because they have XYZ condition!

I was blown away. ( and I rarely complain about anything, I am very much a trooper in life.)
Sooo..I am not allowed to be tired or have any aches or pains of my own because this persons issues are so much worse! I was and still am really pissed off . haha
I remained calm and said ” It is not a competition and I don’t believe in comparing.”

They later kinda, sorta, apologized but I have really lost respect for them. I know they were having a bad day, for various reasons and that the whole thing was nothing more than them taking their crappy mood out on me. It has happened before a couple times and I have let it slide, but this was a forever changed moment of how I feel about them. I plan on keeping them at arms length as I have lost all respect for this childish outburst.

I do NOT tolerate others taking their pissy moods out on me. Work on your emotional intelligence.

Oh oh, I forgot my favorite ever:

“Next time you’re depressed, just remember that I think you’re a very beautiful woman”.

Excuse me while I go change my panties.~~

Sometimes the advice is actually useful. We look at ourselves in the mirror even though it is not a true representation of how we appear to others. Occasionally it is useful to see ourselves as others do. How else would we know about that piece of spinach stuck between our teeth?

If the source is respected and respectful it is far better to hear the suggestion than to not get it at all. We then have the power to reject or accept it.

“You talk too much!”

I see a significant difference between trying to change who I am and trying to modify my behavior.

For instance, by profession and disposition I am very aware of certain kinds of errors that people around me make. I can’t shut that off, and I do think it’s part of who I am.

But I don’t have to point them out. I don’t have to go around correcting people. That’s a choice, and I have control over it.

I can also exercise choice over the things I talk about and try to be considerate of the fact that some people feel put down when you bring up subjects they know nothing about. For myself, I love to listen to somebody who knows a lot about something I don’t (because before we’re through, I will know something about it, and enthusiasm is contagious), but some people perceive that behavior as showing off and acting superior. I say it pays to know which sort of person you’re talking to.

Any friend who actually told me I’d have to change my nature in order to keep his or her friendship would not be my friend for long.

@Seek
Jesus, I forgot something along those lines also
“stop being depressed” (the source of my fluther moniker)
The amount of people that don’t understand the nature of depression is shocking