I am the parent of a son in his early 20s. Ever since he started whining about privacy, he has been told that when he is supporting himself completely in his own home, he can have privacy; but as long as I am supporting him and providing his housing, there is no such thing as privacy.
When he was a tween and teen, his bad behavior warranted my scrutiny. Whenever I found something of concern, I would address it with him calmly and explain why it concerned me. If I felt punishment or warnings or rule modifications were appropriate, they’d happen – but mostly I used what I learned by snooping to teach him.
Eventually, he’d stop trying to lie and keep secrets because “you’ll find out anyway” so he and his friends would speak freely in front of me and I would calmly respond if I felt a voice of reason needed to interject. Mostly I stayed quiet and observed – they weren’t bad kids, just bored suburban youth with parents more overbearing than I or ones who didn’t have time to be bothered with their kids. I tried to strike the balance between the two – caring enough to be present and do the hard work of parenting, but trusting enough to let him develop responsibilities and self-respect.
Soon, he was thanking me for being as hard as I was in the earlier years. He still lives with me and we moved in with my fiancé when my son was 19. We gave him the master bedroom so he would have his own bathroom, too – privacy – because he is very respectful of us and has proven that he deserves our respect in return. He has his girlfriend over, and she is respectful of us, too. He stays over at her parents’ house almost equally – she has also earned her parents’ trust and respect.
It was a long and hard road for my son and I, from him being in therapy and times we called the cops on him, to now he’s been at the same job for years and he’s going to school. We managed to evolve our relationship into an adult friendship, and I’m really pleased about that. It was a process that required dedication and communication from both of us.
Trust and respect are earned by each party – if you feel that your parents are emotionally or psychologically unable to give you the space to let you grow up, it is probably best that you find a way to get your own place. If they won’t allow it and you are still being supported by them financially for school and such, you may have to choose between: their money + their rules <or> no money + privacy.
I suggest you try to have a conversation with your mom away from the house. You say that your father is emotionally abusive, so please take a moment to try standing in her shoes… for many women in difficult relationships, being a mom is a large part of their identity. Letting go of you and her sense of responsibility for you will leave a void that your father is not there to fill and he may be unlikely to support her finding other areas in which she can develop her sense of worth. Stop seeing her as Mom and see her as a woman who may be struggling face her future without kids to take care of.
When you talk, speak like an adult and let her hear that you understand that she loves you and appreciate that she wants what’s best for you, but that the time is coming for you to develop your own identity. Tell her that you love her, and you don’t want this process to create more stress and drama in the house, but that you hope that you and she can evolve the relationship and develop mutual trust and respect. Explain that her snooping not only shows that she doesn’t trust or respect you, but also that she loses any trust that you’ve had for her in the process, and that you fear that it may drive you apart.
Then LISTEN. She may freak out and have a meltdown, or she may be taken aback and react defensively. The key at that point is to respond in as mature a fashion as you can muster, and let her know that you understand that this is difficult for her and you love her and appreciate all that she has done for you, and that you hope to talk some more once she’s had some time to think about it. Eventually, you might ask her to try to see things from your perspective, too. It won’t be easy; but if you really want to show her that you are ready to be treated like an adult, you have to act like one. Good luck.