In a relationship if you do not get back that what you expected, does your love change?

There is a difference between love and a relationship. One can continue to love, or for one’s love to grow, even as the relationship ebbs or discontinues.

Real Love is NOT a two-way street. To state that is to imply that it is a transaction, a contract, some sort of quid pro quo. That isn’t love, it is a contingency.

There are lots of reasons real love can grow or diminish- deeper realization of someone or being betrayed by them. But love dependent on fulfillment of an expectation is not love.

@zenvelo Good, there are a lot of points there, some I agree, some not so much.

There is a difference between love and a relationship.
I agree, the reasons I believe many relationships fail is because they do not realize that fact. One can have a relationship that has no love apart of it in any way, and many have love which will never manifest itself into a relationship.

One can continue to love, or for one’s love to grow, even as the relationship ebbs or discontinues.
The love should not ebb or flow, the relationship will, but the love in it should remain the same. An ocean may ebb and flow with the tide, but it always remains an ocean. Love is that ocean and the ebb and flow would be the tide, the tide may change the attributes of the ocean in relation to the shore, but it doesn’t change the ocean.

Real Love is NOT a two-way street. To state that is to imply that it is a transaction, a contract, some sort of quid pro quo. That isn’t love, it is a contingency.
Holly smokes Bullwinkle, we totally agree on something. As I have said, in any given moment there are tons of people in love with people who do not love them back, and may never do so. You hear it every month here in Fluther because people are frustrated as to what or how to handle it; I say because they do not understand it. However, too many people here in this place and in the real world attack love and relationships as such, consciously or subconsciously. They expect that when they get with him/her he or she will bring “something” to the table they expect to be brought. When it never shows up, even if they request it, their love for the one they are with fades and whoever out there who appears to be the one to bring it comes to attention and then the relationship falls apart or there is cheating going on.

There are lots of reasons real love can grow or diminish- deeper realization of someone or being betrayed by them. But love dependent on fulfillment of an expectation is not love.
There are many reasons that can expose the love that wasn’t there, but like the tide cannot change the ocean, incidents will not change the love. Classic example is someone gets a puppy, the puppy did not make its new owner love it, they owner loves it for his/her good pleasure. The puppy gets in the closet and chews up its owner’s brand new Jimmy Choo pumps, she saved three paychecks to get them, wore them once and they are ruined. Does she hate the dog from then on? No, she hate the action the puppy did, but not the puppy, even if her best efforts did not stop the puppy from getting back in there and taking care of the Prada and the Gucci pumps too. If the mere fact the puppy chewed her shoes and it caused her love for the puppy to go south, she may have been very fond of the beast but she did not truly love it; destroyed shoes conquered her love for the puppy. Even if one never realizes it they go into relationships expecting certain actions, or the absence thereof, and allow it to affect their feelings for the other person.

Yes, it does in a way. When the fire dies spouses often end up loving each other more like siblings.

If one goes into a relationship with expectations, it is not love.

@ARE_you_kidding_me Yes, it does in a way. When the fire dies spouses often end up loving each other more like siblings.
The ocean can change temperature, but it still remains the ocean.

I agree with @zenvelo and, I might add, the nature of our interactions with another can change us, for better or for worse and often times for neutral, just sort of a quiet acceptance that their is no room for growth, so the nature of the relationship remains static.
I heard a saying some years ago that I loved, it has been my go to mantra for a long time. It goes like this, ” I will never tell you what you can or can’t do, but…I can’t promise it won’t change ME!” People change us and we change people all the time, it is neither good nor bad, but once a change occurs there is no changing back.

I recently have had a relationship change forever, although the other person does not know this, a situation that has caused me to lose a good measure of respect for them. They are now, forever banished from any, true, progression of intimacy with me.. I am not angry, I do not hold grudges, I am still being nice, friendly, polite, but I also have come to the realization that there is more about them that I don’t like, that doesn’t work for me, than I do like and does work.
This has nothing to do with expectations and everything to do with an observed dissonance between their words and actions.

I don’t see relationships as exchanges of any kind of currency or power, so it’s unlikely that I would have the kinds of expectations that would cause great disappointment if not fulfilled. If I did have expectations that were not met, I guess my first question would be whether this was due to outside factors, or my partner’s choices? If my partner’s choices, then I would only find fault if I thought the decision-making process was a very bad one. If I can’t respect my partner’s ability to make choices that affect our relationship, that’s probably going to be a long-term problem.

@dappled_leaves If I did have expectations that were not met, I guess my first question would be whether this was due to outside factors, or my partner’s choices? If my partner’s choices, then I would only find fault if I thought the decision-making process was a very bad one.
Everyone has expectations of some sort going into a relationship, even if they can’t put a finger on all of the expectations. Some things crop up you never expected, no matter how much you date;. They only manifest after you marry or shack up with them. When you are dating someone and only time they are around your pet 24 hours or more when they are staying over for a romp in the hay it is different than being around your bet 24/7 for instance. You might expect they would be as loving and doting to your pet as you are, or certainly not cold and distant because it never had the chance to show up when they were just spending the night or weekend. To some, things like that become deal breakers, if he wants to get frisky and Fido comes around wanting attention and he wants to put the dog out or secure it in another room, she will get annoyed, indignant, angry, etc. because he finds her precious pooch a bother. If a person hinges their love for another person based on how much they like, love, or hate their pet, was there really any love there to start?

@Hypocrisy_Central Well, that kind of illustrates my point. I’m not the sort of person who decides to live with someone before I know them really, really well. I’m rather independent and a bit of a loner, so relationships like that take a while for me to build. It’s almost inconceivable that the person I’m living with would be able to show me one face while we’re dating, then turn out to be another person after we’ve started living together. But, sure, if they turn out to be a different person than the one I decided to live with, then I can’t really say that we loved each other at all, can I?