Birthday etiquette question: what would you do?

YOLO.

Go all in without asking her to split. If she offers to split instead as a birthday gift, yay. If not, you still have your luxurious birthday evening.

Yay big birthdays! I still haven’t figured out what I’m doing for mine this year.

I agree with @Seek. Blast the cost and treat yourself in highest style. I’m sure your room-mate will offer to split but if not, you won’t regret the extra expense.

Do it! It’s your 50th so you really should do it up right.
I don’t think you would come off as patronizing since she has money. It’s your birthday and you should do what you want.

I’m with @Seek – say nothing. Go and have fun. If she offers, you have the dilemma of whether or not to accept.

actually I thought you were older than 50

Your best traveling buddy has probably run into split-the-tab situations with you before. Perhaps something in your experience with her would do as a guide on this one.

Otherwise, I agree with Seek. Let yourself have what you prefer on this of all occasions. Tell her you’re covering the room as a present to yourself, and that includes her company. If she offers to chip in, fine, and if not, fine.

Maybe instead she’ll offer to do something like buying your dinner or treating you to a room service breakfast the next morning. That would be a nice way to balance the expense without her having to meet your budget.

Sure, treat if you want to. It’s your birthday, you deserve to have a special night. If your friend does insist on splitting the bill, accept that. You know she won’t have to skip dinner as a result, so it’s perfectly fine to let her make the decision.

Have a lovely birthday, auntie!

It’s not until January so I have plenty of time to ruminate about this but I just made the afternoon tea reservation.

I guess part of the issue for me is how indulgent I can allow myself to be.

Have fun. It is your birthday, after all!

“I guess part of the issue [...] is how indulgent I can allow myself to be.”

If I’m understanding this correctly, you’re worried you might not be able to treat, even though you would like to?

In that case…if your friend cares about fancy hotels at all, how about giving her the night there as a Christmas gift?

If she wouldn’t appreciate this as a gift, I think talking to her would be the best option. You could ask her whether she’s thought about where to stay, and convey your wish while making clear you don’t want to force her to spend extra money. You will most likely be able to gauge her reaction just by her tone – if she’s your best friend, I’m sure you’d pick up on any concerns there.

@longgone No – the question is more about ethics and how much to spend on something even if you could afford it.

@janbb Ah…got it.

In that case, stop being good, if you can. It’s your birthday.

You invited your best friend to join you and stay overnight at the hotel. You pay. You have full discretion over which and what sort of hotel, because you’re her host, she’s your guest, and you’re picking up the tab. This trip is a gift from you to yourself, made even more special because your dearest friend will be there.

Your friend might offer to split the room fee or at least contribute. I’d politely decline. Gracious guests usually offer to pay, but gracious hosts don’t accept any money.

I’m guessing that your friend will look forward to doing something very special for you, in return. (Not that friends keep score, but they do reciprocate and do kind, thoughtful things for each other.)

Further complication – if other friends want to stay overnight but can’t afford the luxury hotel? Obviously, I’m not going to pay for all, the tea is costly enough. Does it seem rude to say, “I’m staying in (Luxury) Hotel with my friend, hang out with us and come for tea and any daytime activities?”

If someone invited me to an elegant tea party for her birthday, and while I was there I picked up a clue that she and just one special friend were staying over together, that might not feel so good.

On the other hand, if I heard (well in advance) “Hepzibah and I are going to spend the night of my birthday in town, and I’ve arranged for a fancy afternoon tea at the hotel. Please join me for tea at 4:00. If you’d like to come early, you could meet us at the museum at 2:00” (or whatever; I’m sure you’re planning to work around checkin times, etc.), I wouldn’t find that offputting.

It might also be a really nice gesture if you did a little research and found one or two more modestly priced hotels nearby and could mention them as alternatives: “Interested in staying over Friday night? I’ll be sharing a room with Hepzibah at the (Luxury) Hotel. Other accommodations close by include (Modest) Hotel and (Other Modest) Hotel. We plan to go shopping on Saturday morning.”

Does it seem rude to say, “I’m staying in (Luxury) Hotel with my friend, hang out with us and come for tea and any daytime activities?”

I would make it a tea and whatever daytime activity party.

They’ll decide whether they want to make it a day trip or an overnight.

That works if people can get a late train home.

I agree with @Seek too. Go with the fancy one. That’s the one you want to go to and it’s your birthday. Bottom line.

If you wanted to treat me on your birthday I would happily accept. Go for the fabulous and splurge. I agree with @Jeruba that it’s probably best to let everyone know you are staying in the city overnight, if you are fine with them staying as well. You don’t have to find a less expensive option for them in my opinion, because it won’t be enough to book a block and get a special rate.

Don’t the rooms usually come with futons or pullout beds? You could fit in a few more people with that.

I don’t understand how your plan could in any way be considered patronizing. There are other aspects of your planned escapade that would seem much more critical as the size of the planned entourage increases in number. The 2 which leap immediately to mind are the logistical availability of the revelers on the date planned, and the affordability of the excursion for all involved.

I wouldn’t even mention to the others that your best friend is staying in your room. I would just say “I’m inviting you all to my birthday tea at such and such. I’m staying in the city that night. If anybody wants to book a room, too, that’s an option.” They will find out eventually that your friend is staying over. They will understand that since you are close friends, you are rooming together.

@stanleybmanly Those logistics are all worked out so that is not what my question is about.

Well since that’s the case, the answer to your question is: I would do my best to have a good time.
I

@janbb, have you made a decision?

@Jeruba Yes, after thinking it over, I decided I am not that comfortable morally with paying that much for a hotel and I also want to choose one that other friends can afford if they want to stay over. I haven’t reserved one yet but I talked to the friend who will be my roommate and I’ll be checking on hotels.com. Will pick a nice one – we stayed in the Roosevelt last year – just not super fancy. And I imagine we’ll split it. As I said above, I’ll be treating everyone to the afternoon tea.

@janbb: Sometimes if you call the hotel directly, you may find you will get a better price than if you go through a site. Just an option- and then if the price is not better, you always have the option of going with a discount site.

@jca Good point.

Call the hotel directly. Then you can get reward points.

@janbb: I just looked at a hotel in Boston. On the hotel’s site, they have a “Fall Super Saver” for $111 a night. On TripAdvisor, they have offers for the same dates from several other discount sites, and the lowest rate they show is $139. It really pays to check the hotel’s site or call them directly.

Not the question I was asking but I got it.