Why do I keep screwing things up?

I can assure you, you help more people than you realize.

It took me decades to understand that continuing a relationship with a close family member was continuing to significantly damage me. Cutting off contact was painful and difficult, and I don’t feel better yet, but the ongoing erosion of self has stopped. I was living in a gnat cloud of continual emotional attack. For now, the simple cessation of that is good enough.

Questioning of self is always painful, I hope it can be productive for you @JLeslie.

My serious answer to your question (and really, I must be a broken record on this; I need to find a better way to deliver this message) is: “Ask a better question.”

Look, the potential answers to your current question are all pretty negative: “because I’m a screwup”; “because I can’t see past my nose”; “because I never consider other people’s feelings and reactions”, etc. Down a dark rabbit hole. Do the answers help to improve your life? I doubt it.

So the question I would ask – have asked, when appropriate – is more along the lines of: “How can I do this better?”
“How can I improve my situation?”
“What action taken right now will lead to a better outcome in the future?”
etc.

In other words, “an enabling question”. A question that leads to a positive outcome, not down a list of problems and mistakes, bad attitudes and dark images. (Those are good for stories sometimes, but not so much for real life.)

I’ll give a kindergarten example:
In my area at work, close to one of the main doors for the office, we see a lot of people come through day after day going to other parts of the office. Most of them I don’t know; they just pass through on the way to somewhere else. But once in awhile someone stops and starts to look around for a particular person or conference room or whatever. Instead of asking “Whatcha looking for?” (because that can be an intrusive question and get a person to put up walls when they don’t know you – a fact that I have determined in the past does not lead to resolution of this person finding what they wanted), I asked myself after another such failure, “How can I put people at their ease and then go into ‘help’ mode if that’s what they want?” Now I just smile, say hello, and ask, “Are you lost?”

Nearly every time I’ve tried that approach, it works. The person smiles back and also says hello, and then tells me who or what they are looking for and I can help them.

Like I said, it’s kindergarten. But instead of asking “Why won’t people accept my help?” and “What is wrong with these people that they can’t accept a genuine offer to help?” or even “WTF is it with people who stand around and won’t even tell you why they’re in the office and where they want to go, and Jesus people are stupid, aren’t they?” … after failing to be able to assist I asked myself the question, “How can I put people at their ease and allow themselves to be helped?”

It’s really incredibly simple, but it can change your life. Ask enabling questions. Ask questions that lead to improvement, to accomplishment, to success instead of failure.

Ask a better question.

Fear not and fret less. If you’re outgoing and enjoy interacting with people, you’re gonna bump your head occasionally. It’s unavoidable. You’re well tuned, because you’re aware of it. It’s fascinating to watch the folks whose lives amount to incessant head bumping, people so insensitive they’re impervious to both pain and introspection. The Jehovah’s witnesses always get these surprised looks when I answer the door and begin eagerly smiling as they go into their spiel. I figure they deserve at least a minute before I pop the question: “What’s it like, knowing in advance that your’e in for a lifetime of doors slamming in your face?” The answers to that question vary as much as the people. Then there are the sad folks who never risk bumping their heads.

I think that @CWOTUS approach is overblown and overthought.

I would take a much simpler approach. Before you speak, think about what you are going to say – maybe say it to yourself first – before you say it out loud. In other words, listen to yourself, see if you make sense, and only then, if you make sense to yourself, go ahead and say it out loud.

Same with actions – don’t just jump in and “do” something for the sake of doing it – take 10 seconds and think about the action and its consequences before you do it.

In short, don’t do things viscerally – give them thought and consideration first.

I think that you will find that taking those few seconds to consider and analyze will pay off in effectiveness and satisfaction.

What exactly are you asking? Obviously, no one can tell you why, as asked in bold red.

I thought the real question was the last sentence of the details.

Do you want to know what to do to stop talking?
I’m confused.

I’ve learned to be very, very sparing with giving anyone advice about how to deal with the circumstances of their lives. It’s not because I’m unwilling to help or don’t care; it’s because their life is theirs to lead. At most, I may share an approach that I’ve found helpful, but I’m careful not to imply that this is what they should do. More often, though, I restrict myself to asking questions and listening. This can help them see aspects of a situation they may not have seen before. But I do this not with a goal of steering them toward a particular conclusion; I just want them to make a well-considered decision of their own.

If I give someone advice, no matter how well-meaning or how confident I am of its value, and things go awry, not only is the person in a mess, but damage is done to our relationship. And even if the advice works out swimmingly, I may have contributed to an unhealthy dependency in the relationship.

As I understand your question, basically you want to know how you can stop offending people in some way, when your intentions are good.

I’m in the same boat, often it seems, both here and in person, so it’s the same lesson I’ve taken a long time to learn. I’ll pass along the advice people have given me that helps.

1) There is such a thing as “too much truth”. Decide if a fact (or opinion) is actually what the person wants, which is entirely different than what they “need”. No matter how carefully and caring you deliver something, if the person doesn’t want to hear it, 95% of the time it’s better to keep it unsaid.

2) Distinguish between complaints made to vent or entertain and complaints made as a request for help. It’s not always black and white, but people complain a lot. Most of the time it’s something to fill dead space or to vent. As an example that always gets me into trouble, people complain about their jobs constantly, and my first instinct is always to try and help them find a better fit. If they’re actually looking for a fix, this can be one of the kindest things you can do, but people rarely want to change something that large.

3) Start with “can I help?”. Ask if it’s ok before offering anything further. I try to help people who have something that’s obviously heavy or awkward for them to carry. Whether it’s groceries for older shoppers, a carseat to someone with a toddler as well, or lumber at the hardware store. I had to learn to ask, how to ask, and when even just asking is probably going to stress people out.

In a world where holding the door for someone or asking how they’re doing can be offensive, you’re simply not going to get through life without offending someone, no matter how good your intentions. You have to find a balance you can feel good about and that reflects your values with the understanding that some people have a different opinion, and you need to let that govern their life, but not yours.

Sometimes I wish I was wise and controlled like @thorninmud, other times I think I’ve backed off too far and given up opportunities to help.

(danger: unrequested opinion ahead) I think the key is just don’t give up, keep trying to help, but learn to recognize the difference between opportunities to make a difference and times that are likely to offend. In my opinion (again) it generally comes down more to the person you’re interacting with than what’s actually said or done.

Please don’t beat yourself up.

@funkdaddy Just to clarify, I didn’t offend anyone. I know I haven’t given details, but I basically said too much and might have hurt my own situation, I didn’t hurt anyone else.

@JLeslie I’m an introvert. And a data analyst. And I’m somewhat socially awkward (not that other people know that… I cover it up pretty well). I usually over-plan and over-analyze what to say (and even what was said). I wish I could be looser with my conversations.

The grass is always greener… you know?

I think you’re great. I hope you can move on, quickly.

@JLeslie – ohh hey look, I did that too! ~

Hope it works out.

Screwing? Your surname’s not Phillips is it?

In giving advice, remember that advice is like a menu board. Lots of differing advice can exist, but ultimately it comes down to the concerned individual to choose which would best suit their appetite.
Here is a good way to put your advice giving in perspective.
Go to youtube, search oatmeal cookie recipes. I can offer a spoiler alert, there are many. There are also a variety of ways the recipes are presented.
Now, not everyone likes oatmeal cookies. Of those who do, some prefer with raisins, some prefer without raisins.
Numerous choices are available, and the terrific thing is, we have the chance to choose for ourselves which we want most to use regularly.
Your advice is a recipe. Put it out there. Don’t be forceful about it, just be glad to know that for someone, it is exactly the right thing.
I don’t know how it caused a problem for you.

Yeah, I do that. I’ve hung myself out to dry a few times. But, ultimately, I do what I think is best in the moment and if the consequences are not what I expected, c’est la vie.

If something you are doing is really hurting you, then of course you need to find a way to avoid doing that thing again. I’m not sure what it is you’ve done, so it’s hard to be more specific than that.

I say too much sometimes. Afterwards I might think “gee, I wish I’d kept my mouth shut”, but in the whole scheme of things I’m a nice, decent human being and I’m not going to get all upset about superficial stuff. If something I say gets me in trouble, I’ll deal with the consequences and move on. Life is just too short to worry about things that cause minor upsets. I wish I could help more @JLeslie. You seem like a very lovely person. I can’t imagine you’ve said or done anything too terrible.