Why does this bother me?

I can’t remember the last time I bought an article of clothing (other than undergarments) that hadn’t been owned by someone else previously. It has been at least five years, and possibly double that.

I have not yet burst into flames.

@BlackSwanEffect Don’t let it bother you. If she is ok with wearing older clothes that screams low maintenance which is good. What throws me for a loop is that it’s for “environmental reasons” and that screams emotionally high maintenance which is not. Nothing wrong with being an environmentalist so long as it’s not what she prides her social status on. That’s a red flag. It should not bother you but it’s a key window to see what you may be getting yourself into. If you are not ok with second hand then there may be some fundamental incompatibility that needs to be addressed but probably not a deal breaker based on what little you have shared.

Whatever floats your boat.

If she is comfortable with used clothing, it is none of your business. Her choice entirely.

In fact, I applaud her for her principles.

I think it speaks very highly of her that she thinks about the broader impact of her lifestyle decisions and that her wants are tempered by considerations outside of her self. Maybe that kind of temperance clashes with your desire to put her on a pedestal and treat her specially, since she seems to not think of herself as particularly special.

@BlackSwanEffect MARRY HER!!!

She sees through the marketing BS of the “fashion” world. She gets the big picture. That’s the kind of person you want to settle down with.

Sure, she can buy new clothes made fresh by 12 year old slaves in a chinese sweat shop. But why? GoodWill clothes are already made. They will not shrink. The money goes to a good cause (rather than a slave driver) . The styles are unique and not the color, flavor, length of the month. They are much less expensive and often of higher quality. She is showing you that it is what’s inside that counts. Learn from her.

I can afford anything I want. But, I still buy clothes at GW. Real men are not afraid to buy stuff there. You should check it out.

Grab her before some other smart guy beats you to it!

@LuckyGuy unless she is simply conforming to her “cool” environmentalist friends who think it’s hip, then run like hell! the next trend probably won’t be 2nd hand clothes. Women who follow trends like that are almost universally trouble IMO

@ARE_you _kidding_me I’m willing to bet that is not her reason. He’s got a gem but doesn’t realize it.

I agree with those who think she’s got a good idea… but not with her principle of doing it “for environmental reasons”. I do the same thing as she and @LuckyGuy and @Seek – for mostly financial reasons. It’s not that I can’t afford new clothes (and once in a while I will buy new), it’s just that the clothes I like aren’t “fashionable”, they’re “stylish” – or durable, comfortable, warm or whatever other attribute or combination I’m going for – and they won’t go out of style any time soon.

When you do things for good economical reasons then the environment will take care of itself – for the most part. (I’m well aware of frequent negative externalities and other irrationality in our economic system, but I can’t solve all of the world’s problems all at once. All I can do is “tend my own garden”.) Your friend is tending her own garden, and in the meantime she is saving money, whether you think she needs to or not, and that’s going to be good for the environment, too, one of these days.

A former boss of mine once told me that part of the reason for his own success (he was the owner of the company where I worked) was that he “buys his straw hats in the fall”. I get the idea, but it took a while for me to develop the patience to make it work. (Not just “develop the patience” but “resist the siren song of advertising for ‘new’ and ‘now’ everything”.) Now I buy used straw hats in the fall.

I love you, @LuckyGuy.

@CWOTUS I store my straw hats in the closet so I don’t need to buy them next year. And when the brim falls off I reattach it with a needle and fishing line while watching TV reruns of the Andy Griffith show.
Frankly I can’t understand why people buy so much “stuff”. Why buy holiday decorations every year? What happened to the stuff they had out last year? If it was broken, I get it. But seriously what was wrong with the blue tree ornaments you bought last year? Why do you need green? Did you throw out the blue ones?

@Cupcake Thank you! Some people are so swayed by Madison Ave advertisements they don’t even realize it. They need to be educated.
I have a subscription to The Economist and read it cover to cover before bed. I laugh at the ad flogging expensive watches: Michael Buble – “his Rolex is always with him. reminding him that meticulous attention to craft makes anything possible.” Really?
Or the Louis Vitton full page close up photo of the watch with country flags to indicate world time zones. It looks like it was made of Legos.
I figure those ads are targeted to people with more money than brains.
Does anyone under 40 wear a watch anymore? And why would they think their children would want to?

@BlackSwanEffect How well do you know her at this point? Do you know her total lifestyle? Does she wash, practice hygiene, live in a jork, etc. Those might be red flags. Otherwise, if it’s just clothing go for it. She seems to have beaten the fashion brainwashers. We have one planet with limited resources. Anything someone does to conserve those resources is a great thing.

@LuckyGuy Watches just came back in a practical way… I wear a fitbit to track my exercise data, bicycle routes and heart rate data…etc. It also tells me the time so I don’t have to pull my phone out. I just started wearing one again after almost 15 years of bare wrists. I did not think that smart watches would be worthwhile but they are surprisingly useful.

@LuckyGuy My little brother wears a watch. I think he looks like a drug dealer.

@Cupcake LMAO, because of the watch?

Yes. It’s a big, shiny, showy watch. And he’s 18.

I mean, let’s get real here for a minute. He’s a young, urban, African-American male with a big-ass watch on his wrist working a part-time minimum wage job. And large, diamond-looking CZ studs in both ears. Yes, he looks like a damn drug dealer.

@BlackSwanEffect Getting back to your question… I’m bothered that you’re bothered by this. It sounds like you have different priorities than she does. What does “I think she should have the best, not other people’s discarded items.” even mean?

I don’t know you at all, so take this with a grain of salt if you wish, but you sound controlling and condescending. She likes what she likes (and is thrifty and considerate of the environment to boot). Are you trying to change her?

@ARE_you_kidding_me Fitbit et.al. are useful. A Loius Vitton Escale Time Zone for X thousand dollars is just a stupid waste. Quick! What time is it in Japan?.... wait…. let me get my magnifying glass out and look for the Japanese flag… Can’t find it…. Must be here someplace….

Oh I found it . Right near the line on my bank statement with the big withdrawal.

@Cupcake Does that gaudy CZ encrusted watch attract the attention of (foolish) females who think there is more substance to the wearer? I wonder if it has helped him with his sex love life. It might be considered a present day, urban, Zahavi handicap. Females see it and decide to mate thinking he would be a good provider for the baby. After all if he can afford such a fancy watch surely he can provide for a family. Ugh…

@LuckyGuy Gross. Maybe. Fortunately, I don’t know.

@LuckyGuy Yeah, sorry I thought that went without saying :) It’s also important to note that utility can be extended to new items as well, especially if you intend on keeping them for their entire useful life and beyond. You never see guys bluejeans at GW

Flashy expensive trends are all about the ladies anyway

@ARE_you_kidding_me Correct. Men tend to wear their clothes out before getting rid of tthem – or they die and their adult kids donate them.
Also and this is true but controversial noneteless. On average, women change body size more than men. They gain weight and lose it more often. Go to the magazine rack at the grocery store and look at the covers. The women’s magazines all have articles like “Losing 34 pounds before the holidays” or “Drop 2 sizes by eating grapefruit” – and an obligatory article about Oprah! of course. The waistline gets tight so the woman buys something new in a larger size and donates the old one. When she decides to lose the weight she donates the larger clothes “I’ll never need that again!” until the next holiday season when the waistline gets tight….
I have been the same size for decades. I replace clothes when they have too many burn holes in the sleeves. “I don’t need the protective gloves. I’ll just toss this log in the wood burning stove gently.” he said as the burning embers flew on is hands, shirt, and pants.

@Cupcake I’m sorry I put that image in your head. He is still a virgin and will be until he is married and they have their first child. And even then he will only have had sex once. :-)

@LuckyGuy No, I know he’s not a virgin. But he and I don’t talk about that stuff. My son and I do, which is why I know my little brother is not a virgin. The gross was for the young ladies who are so woefully misguided in their partner selection.

I agree. You know there are women out there who are swayed by that BS.
Please! Ladies! Educate your sisters. The future of our species is at stake.
Men are swayed too. But not so much by watches.

By the way, I looked up the price of that silly watch by LV. 50,000 euro., about $50,000. I wonder how much the full page ad on the back of The Economist cost?

Yep. More money than brains, indeed.

The fashion, cosmetic, and imaginary fix for bullshit deficiency industries are the greatest obstacles to the advancement of women that can be imagined. The most fiendishly brilliant and dedicated misogynist imaginable could not possibly devise a more effective brake on gender parity than the minefield of crap women are compelled to navigate.

@stanleybmanly You wrote: “The most fiendishly brilliant and dedicated misogynist imaginable could not possibly devise a more effective brake on gender parity than the minefield of crap women are compelled to navigate.”

…And they have to do it wearing high heels.

And dancing backwards.

If she is buying 2nd hand undies and bras I might be a bit freaked out too.

But if you are truly “bothered” by her reason stated for why she buys 2nd hand clothes…perhaps you are not the guy for her.

Who would sell or buy used underwear (other than fetishists)? The market must be extremely limited.

If it bothers you that much buy her some new clothes. (I know this is way off from what everyone else is saying, but whatever.)

I love buying used clothes at consignment shops. It’s fun to know that someone paid a fortune for an item, only to wear it gently and infrequently. I get to swoop-in and buy the same item for maybe 5–10% of its retail price.

Many women in my city buy expensive cocktail or evening dresses, wear them once, and then send the dresses to consignment shops. Please don’t be “bothered” that I wear anything but “the best.” I often find couture, freshly dry-cleaned and in perfect condition, at bargain-basement prices.

Thanks everyone for the responses, they’re really helpful.

@thorninmud Great insight there. She’s definitely not self-absorbed. She doesn’t have low self esteem either, but I think she has less pride than me. Which is probably a good thing. I do appreciate the fact that she has priorities outside herself.

@LuckyGuy She’s a gem, I recognise that. Rationally I know there is no reason why I should be bothered by this, which is why I phrased the question ”why does this bother me”. I’m not sure why my reaction to her saying this was not favourable.

@Adirondackwannabe It’s early days, but she’s not unwashed. This isn’t a huge deal, and I gave a somewhat positive reaction when she mentioned this. I just didn’t understand why part of me didn’t like it.

@Cupcake I’m definitely not controlling (if anything, a little distant). I don’t think I’m condescending. I don’t want to change her. But I am ambitious. Much of what I do, including dressing well, is about creating opportunities for myself. Maybe that’s just the way I think, being in a competitive environment. I enjoy her relaxed, carefree attitude. This question isn’t about how to change her, it is about trying to understand why I didn’t think it was a good thing when she mentioned it. But I never said anything negative about it to her.

@BlackSwanEffect It sounds like you have your head on straight. Great!
Have you been to a GoodWill recently?. They are not the dingy junk collections they used to be. (I’m sure there still are a few that are old and musty.) Three months ago I was at a GW in Beverly Hills. I bought 2 unused, T-shirts in “technical fabric” commemorating a 5k run, for $1.40 for both. That was a fun find. I wear them to bed because I like the fit and feel of the fabric. It slips easily when I change position under the cotton sheets. When I see them I am pleasantly reminded of my trip, their low cost, walking around and browsing in the Bev Hills store. What’s not to like?

Ooooo!!!. It just hit me why you might be bothered!!!. Is it possible you think the clothes are supposed to be only for “poor people”? Back in the stone age that was how it worked. People donated clothes and poor people got them for almost no cost. That business model / mission started to change 20 years ago. Now thanks to TurboTax and charitable donations a lot of clothes are donated. Watch the donation loading dock. for 10 minutes. Stores like Target donate old stock as well. Way more stuff goes in than goes out.
The organization needs more paying customers – people who buy the donated material and take it away leaving cash in the till. GW uses that money to: pay: the disabled worker sorting clothes, the recovering addict moving boxes at the loading dock, the blind cashier using a reader to scan and identify the dollar bills (a very cool unit by the way ). Besides being a great deal for customers, buying there: gives money directly to disabled workers, reduces landfill waste, reduces new resource consumption, and keeps money in our own economy not China’s. Again, what’s not to like?
Now go give her a hug and thank your lucky stars you found her. She is a gem!

If you’re still bothered, can I have her phone number? I’d like to introduce her to my son. :-)

@BlackSwanEffect I appreciate your introspection.

If you really want to understand her, talk to her about it. Maybe she’s bothered by the marketing, the mass consumerism, the chronic debt of the average American, the international sweat shops paying subpar wages, maybe she’s thrifty, maybe she’s concerned about the use of water or other resources in the production of new clothes. Only she knows. But it sounds like an engaging conversation, to me.

@BlackSwanEffect I admire your open-minded approach and willingness to consider your original reactions.

@LuckyGuy posted an excellent discussion. Back in the day, thrift shops were filled with worn, damaged, and outdated clothes. When people organized their bureaus and closets, they’d cull unwanted items – things that they were no longer willing to wear and wanted to discard.

Now, most donors are conscious that things should be in decent, wearable condition. Often, they’ll contribute items that have been seldom or never worn; it’s not unusual for clothes to have their original tags. And, as @LuckyGuy mentioned, some of the “big box” stores send their excess inventory to thrift shops; brand-new clothing that’s still fashionable.

If your girlfriend also likes consignment shops, the standards are generally very high – clothing must be in season, in style, and in excellent condition.

Personal aside – I once bought a lovely business skirt-suit at a thrift shop…for $2.50. The ticket cost was $5.00, but I happened to stop by on half-price day! The suit was in perfect condition (I doubt that anyone had ever worn it), and it fit. Every time somebody complimented my nice, new outfit, I got to tell my fun story.

@Love_my_doggie Telling your story says a lot about your confidence! Great!

The people who are insisting that second hand clothes are all shoddy, cheap, dirty cast offs have obviously never seriously shopped at a second hand store. I grew up wearing garage sale and second hand clothes, and we were easily an upper middle class family who could afford to go to Dillards or whatever. However, I don’t think I have ever bought anything brand new, except for underwear, socks, pantyhose and bras, which I get at Walmart. I’d never buy clothes at Walmart because they fall apart after 6 months, and it’s just stupid to spend tons of money at Penny’s or Dillards when you can get the same things for 90% less at Goodwill.

Not all the clothes are obviously worn. Some are brand new, still with the tags on. My dad’s wife has been sending me really nice, expensive tops for Christmas the last couple of years. I know they’re high dollar….but they aren’t my style. Into the Goodwill box by the back door they go!

Every picture you see of me here, I’m wearing second hand clothes, right down to my shoes. The first pic of me and the kids….everything they have on came from a garage sale or Goodwill, too. The picture of me standing on the mountain in a really colorful shirt…that shirt is silk. Paid $2.99 for it.

@Dutchess_III You look terrific in all those photos, and you have a great fashion sense and comfort with your own style. It also doesn’t hurt that you’re so pretty. :-)

Thank you @Love_my_doggie. If I have any fasion sense, it came from my Mother. She was beautiful and she was a class act. Beautiful clothes, and, without fail, from second hand stores and garage sales.

What I hate is when someone asks where I got such and such and I tell them, and their looks change from admiring to….confusion and mild contempt. People are so easily brainwashed.

I once picked up a long black coat. It was heavy and the lines were just classic. Everybody I came into contact with, when wearing that coat, wanted one just like it. My boyfriend at the time (this was after my divorce) went out and bought one brand new, $250. My sister went out and bought one similar, $300. Everybody loved that coat. My son had this one friend who eventually hijacked it forever because it was kind of goth-looking. I paid $20 for it at a second hand store.

@Dutchess_III “What I hate is when someone asks where I got such and such and I tell them, and their looks change from admiring to….confusion and mild contempt.”

I find that so perplexing. Some people are so materialistic, they judge others by the prices they pay. If something comes with a designer label and enormous price tag, both the item and its owner must be worthy. A $65K automobile is automatically better than one that costs $30K, with no further information needed.

I can’t imagine my own self-confidence and sense of self-worth being so fragile that they rely on material objects.

Oh, so WELL said, @Love_my_doggie. It’s just a lack of…intellect, me thinks. My sister is like that. I have an antique dining table and buffet that I picked up as a set at a flea market. Paid $500 for both.
My sister got a brand new table many years ago and was gushing about it…well, mainly that it was ”Ethan Allen, and you wouldn’t believe how expensive it was! But it’s Ethan Allen!” It was ugly Ethan Allen to me. But the price tag and the name is all that mattered.
If she found the exact same table for $20 at a garage sale, she’d turn her nose up at it.

@LuckyGuy I’ve been thinking about this, and I think I understand my reaction now. I grew up in a middle class family, but we were never well off. My school uniforms were almost always second hand, and my other clothes were often handed down from older family members. I don’t resent that, because we all know how expensive clothing a growing boy can be. But they never quite fit well, because they’d settled into another person’s body shape. I wouldn’t say I regard second hand shops as being for poor people, but I definitely felt less well dressed than my peers, and don’t want to go back there.

@BlackSwanEffect I’m glad we are having this discussion. Wait… Here… Make yourself comfortable on this couch…. :-)
Seriously, if nothing else, you should visit the local shop just to resist and conquer your fears.
Do you know why I joined the ambulance service decades ago? Because I was afraid of the sight of blood. I got woozy and had to lie down during my pre-marital blood test! Can you imagine? I knew it was ridiculous and didn’t want to go through life that way. So, I intentionally threw myself at that irrational fear and crushed it.

Now go out there with that lovely girl of yours and buy yourself a shirt! You can use it the next time you need to paint something. You will be doing it for yourself – and that purchase will make her really happy!
And her happiness is worth way more than anything you can buy off the rack at Barney’s or Bloomingdale’s.

If you can’t do it, please pass her number on to my son. I’d be honored to have her as a daughter in law! Thanks!

See @BlackSwanEffect the clothes you had to wear were well worn. It’s kind of like a treasure hunt to find the really nice, new stuff at the second hand store, but well worth the search.

I work with a woman who wears beautiful clothes and jewelry, and she always tells me how she gets them from the local Goodwill, which she calls “The Special Store.”

Well, my 4 year old granddaughter calls it the Good Steering Wheel.

@LuckyGuy I understand completely. I’ve done exactly that with other fears I had. I’ll consider it. And your son isn’t getting her number, but nice try!

@Dutchess_III I’m not one for treasure hunts. Shopping for clothes is not something I’ve ever enjoyed – much of my wardrobe come from the internet so I don’t have to visit the shops.

But… How do you get well fitted clothes, if you can’t go to the fitting room? Do you get things tailored afterwards?

I hate shopping for clothes too, but I’d rather shop in a thrift store, for the variety, than in a crowded Malleria, any day. It’s worth a little digging to come up with a new, $75 shirt from Nordstrom’s and only pay $2.99 for it.

I know, right @Seek? Without fail, if I buy something off the internet it doesn’t fit right or it looks nothing like what was advertised.

BTW, something you might find interesting: I was Watching 60 Minutes on Sunday and they had an interview with our new Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. His wife said she is a “big thrift store fanatic,”...and she was in the parking lot of a thrift store when her husband called with the news that he’d been tapped for the position.

We are a blue collar family with 6 kids .. because I have always watched how I spend money (Husband allows me to manage it all basically).... not wasting it on spankin’ $$ draining new clothes… . it has afforded us to enjoy more vacations.. things that can’t be gotten at a lower cost…

We had our house/ property paid off before our last son….. I am a savvy thrifty shopper and plenty proud of it.. Husband likes to say I can squeeze a dime out of a nickle.. and in this way. I am hardly “high maintenance”... though I can be in a couple other areas I suppose.. we’ve never fought over money.

If you want to buy your woman something new , by all means do it !! .. just know…a woman can find plenty of beautiful / very attractive clothing at a thrift shop.. maybe the real issue is her STYLE ??? Just not to your liking.. you feel she could dress a little hotter ??

If a woman has style.. she will happily shop & be blissfully excited when she finds what will make her more attractive.. and desirable.. and be able to light you up. you wouldn’t even know she paid less for it..

I think the only question is whether she likes the way she looks and is comfortable, not how hot she should look for her husband just to get him fired up. I would never dress in something that I was not comfortable with just because my S/O wanted me to look “sexy.”

Also, I only shop for either casual sweatshirts and business casual. I don’t see much in the way of lingerie at Goodwill…and I wouldn’t buy it if I did. Ew!

^^^ I won’t buy second-hand shoes; they’re not suitable for thorough cleaning, and they carry too much from their former owners. Same thing for any sorts of underclothes…as you so accurately put it, “Ew!”

Well, they don’t sell underwear at GW, at least I’ve never seen any. I don’t know if they sell bras. I’ve never looked. I might consider a bra. It’s got no more ew factor than clothes.

I do buy shoes, though. I don’t worry about the cleaning part, just whether they fit and look nice. I’ve only had bad luck with one pair because they had been worn long enough by the previous owner who, apparently, was knock kneed or something. There was more wear on each inside edge of the padding inside thnt on the outside edge. It was just mildly annoying to me because I could feel it, but you couldn’t see it. But they were pretty unique and versatile so I wore them quite a bit