How can I overcome my feelings of emptiness and ineptitude?

You are clearly very intelligent, articulate and introspective. Can you identify other strengths of yours? Are you seeking help for your depression? How are the people you are the closest to helping you through this struggle? Are you asking for help? Can you identify ways that others can help you?

I really want to start a business where I have volunteers go cuddle people who are in pain/isolation/depression. And maybe wash dishes. I would go cuddle with you and wash your dishes if I knew you.

This seems to be my answer of the day but it is not made to be facile or patronizing; I think therapy would be of great benefit to you. It helped me a great deal in learning to love myself and overcome low self-esteem.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You are very brave to trust us and be open.

Hugs.

I was awkward as a child and youth. I understand. I was an outsider, too. I didn’t fit in any groups.

Today, I am very happy with myself and my life. Let me share how I got here.

I started talk therapy when I was 23. It took some time to warm up to the first therapist, but I eventually trusted her and told her my secrets. She never judged me and gave me a lot of good information that helped. She mostly listened while I worked out my own solutions to situations. Therapy has been extremely valuable for me. I still go to therapy, and I tell my therapist everything. It pays off in spades.

I also meditate. I don’t do it for long. It’s a few minutes everyday. I sit and breathe and go to My Happy Place where the weather is perfect, I can drink from a beautiful fountain, walk over a stone bridge, and sit on a beach. My Happy Place is required to be happy. My mind is never empty. That’s not the kind of meditation I do. I visualize My Happy Place. It works.

I also exercise. I power walk 2 miles every day. It makes me feel good.

I also take medicine prescribed by a psychiatrist. It’s important, and it makes me feel good.

You said you want to stop the self-hate. This makes me so sad to hear that you hate yourself. I fully understand. I hated myself for decades. By doing the things I’ve listed, I came to truly love myself. I really do. It’s the most wonderful thing in the world.

I did it. You can, too.

I suggest you start by choosing one nice thing to do for yourself today. One little thing. You could walk in a park. Or you could cook something you like to eat. Or you could take 10 minutes and search for psychologists in your area. All you have to do is search. You can call one on another day. Your one nice thing could be putting on your favorite clothes. It doesn’t matter what it is.

Just one nice thing.

Again, thank you and hugs.

I forgot an important realization I had.

For decades, I felt unworthy of happiness. I finally realized what makes me worthy. It makes you worthy, too. It makes all of us worthy of happiness.

Do you know why we’re worthy?

Because we’re breathing.

That’s the only reason necessary. Nothing else is needed. We don’t have to earn a right to be happy. We don’t have to do anything. All we have to be is alive.

You are worthy of happiness.

Now, go out and find someone to help you on your path to happiness. I suggest you start with a psychologist. They’re usually very friendly.

Hugs.

Disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist. I have no credentials to speak of. I’m just a guy who had some of the same issues when I was younger.

There’s nothing wrong with being the quiet one. And having a small, select group of friends is better than having 299 acquaintances in my opinion. Your desire to break out of this small group and expand might actually be a sign that you are overcoming your inferiority complex and recognizing that you have a lot to offer.

“fearful of my military father, whom only ever appeared to criticize any flaw I had, disapprove of my mannerisms, and lose his temper at the slightest things”
Sadly, this is a bi-product of his lifestyle. It’s a tough thing to go to work, be criticized for not being perfect, be reprimanded for things not being 100% all day, every time; and then go home to (by military standards) a disorganized household. It kinda tears a guy in half. But this isn’t about your father. I can see how you would be fearful.

“I subconsciously started to compare myself to more nimble, outgoing girls my age and began to feel insecure about my own appeal as a person.”
From a Christian perspective I can only assume this means you are stronger than you imagine. If your challenges surpass that of your companions, it must mean God thought you could handle more than them.

“Because of my timidity, I appeared relatively vulnerable by contrast to most other children and was more susceptible to being hurt by more intimidating forces who didn’t understand my shy nature.”
This is just a sad fact of life. People prey on either the weak or those they perceive as weak. That’s the trick though. It’s just a perspective.

“Nonetheless, I always had at least one good friend to depend upon until reaching the 6th grade, during which I first noticed how “different” I truly was from the majority of my peers. A girl in my class very rudely pointed out how socially awkward I was and asked me why I was so quiet, claiming that every other student in the grade thought I was retarded.”
Differences are what is beautiful about the human race. If we were all the same – this planet would suck. What the heck is wrong with being different? People that criticize based on people being different are actually very insecure themselves.

“I was ironically a rather intelligent girl enrolled in honors courses all throughout middle school, yet because of my inability to relate to and properly interact with people, others created a habit of terming me with labels such as “weird” or “psycho”.”
Quiet people spend more time observing. They absorb knowledge because they are being receptive to it. Some of the smartest people I know are quiet. They also tend to be the funniest.

“I never bothered any of my peers and in fact became incredibly withdrawn from society due to my newly damaged sense of worth. I came to view myself as socially inept and unattractive and felt disgusting both to potential female friends or members of the opposite sex.”
This is when you need to tell yourself to woman up. You’re tougher than thinking this way. You know better. Everyone is susceptible to this line of thinking (and thinks it from time to time) but I don’t think you’re foolish enough to believe these negative thoughts. It’s just rubbish. Throw it away.

“Rather than being able to act spontaneously as I once could, I treated others with polite self-restraint and spoke with meekness. I could barely volunteer myself to answer a question while in class and did anything to avert the disrespectful remarks or disapproving gestures of my peers.”
To this day I hate being called on to answer a question. I feel the old pressure on my shoulders that “everyone is watching me” and “everyone is judging me” mentality. With each day that I answer one, or speak up, or stop hiding.. it gets easier.

“After some time, I eventually came to have no true friends and became a loner whom lived reclusively among the mass. I developed terrible posture and avoided eye contact with others due to the permanent mark of shame that girl’s words had apparently left on me.”
You gotta get out there and do the stuff you love to do. It’s going to be difficult.. but the more you do it the better you’re going to feel. Whatever it is you like to do, get out there and do it! The rest will sort itself.

“I no longer had the confidence or appropriate social skills to interact with and connect to another individual, yet was desperate to be acknowledged and accepted by any human being.”
Have you ever been in a circle of people talking and they slowly just sorta.. edge you out so that you are on the outside of the circle? I know I have. It’s not a good feeling. The feeling of being invisible. It hurts. It sucks. But it’s also bullshit. The reality isn’t that you are invisible.. it’s that they are blind.

“Nonetheless, my relationships did not last long due to people claiming I gave off an awkward vibe and feeling I simply did not fit with their particular group of friends.”
Bogus. If they actually tell you that, than you need new friends/relationships anyway. Sounds awfully shallow.

“Whenever a stranger did by some chance exhibit even the slightest form of interest in me however, I felt both excited and uneasy at approaching the situation. I tried not to scare them away by being my usually “weird”, inept self or by clinging on to them excessively, yet the opposite usually occurred.”
Wow, I know how this one works too. You know what.. just being in some social situations makes me so nervous that my nose runs. Which makes it really fun because then.. not only am I nervous.. my nose is running.. then I have to try to escape. I hate it. But it’s also kinda funny. Approaching it from a comedic angle is definitely more healthy than some alternatives.

“Currently, I am depressed and struggling to overcome my past mistakes, which have accumulated and haunted me overtime.

Although I know I am flawed as any other human being is, I never quite understood why people only ever chose to mistreat me and pick at my imperfections, rather than gradually trying to get to know me as a person. I want to stop the self-hate and to become a better version of myself, but I simply do not know how.”
That one thing you know you were born to do. Do it. I get it.. that’s corny as hell.. but that ish works. That stuff that you’ve been meaning to do but don’t because it’s easier to just wallow in depression.. DO THAT STUFF. (And I’m such a hypocrite here too.. we all are). Make each day a “non-zero” day: meaning just do something that contributes to your overall happiness. Do anything that aligns with that “thing you were meant to do” no matter how small it is. It will be a non-zero day.